Partner says he’s not going to ‘pander’ to me anymore

[Potentialfuturemother]

So for a bit of background, we’ve been together for 12 years and are getting married this summer. We are both nearly 32 and are planning on having children next year. I am overall very happy in the relationship and love him very much. However the last few days we’ve had a couple of rows and the way he’s dealt with them is very different to usual. Everyone argues ofc and normally they’re two sided affairs. But the last two we’ve had it feels like he’s almost trying to stamp out my opinion. Today we disagreed about something he said (he tried to blame me for the dog hurting himself and getting a limp on a walk which I thought was outrageous) so I got annoyed and argued my point. He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on. I couldn’t believe what I was hearing, he was speaking like I was a child. I’ve tried not to exacerbate the row and just let it be for now as he does sometimes get in weird tired moods and he’s had a very busy week at work. But I’m basically wondering if anyone else has experienced this and where this idea could be coming from.

Sit down together when you're not upset and have a talk about what he said, what he means, what prompted it and what future will look like with him not pandering.

Could be that he wa ina bad mood, could be a redpiller, could be that he feels like younalwaysbget your way, could be anything.

He sounds like a TOSSER not toddler!

He then came out with this narrative that from now on he’s not going to pander to me, that he said nothing wrong and that he’s going to be firmer from now on.

What he's doing is waving a very large red flag.

It's hard to take it in and very upsetting for you but he's given you a very clear warning before you marry.

It depends on your personality and his. It could be exasperation from him because he doesn’t feel listened to or he could be influenced by stuff online or he could be having a bad day. Is he quite weak and insecure or is he generally happy with himself? What is his relationship like with his parents? What is generally like with you? All these things will tell you more about whether this is worrying than random people online who don’t know either of you.

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Cancel, or at least postpone, the wedding now. Sounds like he's been watching some of these nasty patriarchal incel-type sites, or at the very least, his mates have. Confront him on it, if you feel safe to do so.

Have you asked him why he thinks it’s appropriate to behave that way? How would he respond if you said the same thing?

OP, if you don’t want to listen to people on Mumsnet (they why post), can you pay a psychologist for a few session? We recognise the issues but of course it makes sense you don’t want to throw away your relationship on mumsnetters words. This is very likely the start of abusive behaviour. In 5 years you’re trapped with a child or two and then what do you do ? Please don’t dismiss the signs

Where's the Op gone? Doesn't want to hear it?

Alternative view:

Maybe you did do something wrong about the dog and when he tried to raise it you reverted to a pattern of shutting him down refusing to accept any responsibility.
His response: he's not going to pander to this pattern where you cannot be criticised any longer.

Maybe.
We don't know.

Also most people occasionally get in tired moods when they are tired.
Maybe you don't allow him to express the normal range of emotions and want him to maintain a perfect image constantly.
Maybe he's done pandering to that.

Maybe sometimes he's tired and sometimes you fuck up and he should be allowed to say so?

Maybe this is a dynamic you need to work out in the way any long term relationship has complexities?

Or maybe he's an abusive twat you shouldn't marry.

Hard to say based on the info provided. But you probably know.

Of course no one is going to walk out on a long term relationship just because of one comment! The comments on MN are weird sometimes.

I think, when things have calmed down, it’d be wise to talk to him and find out what he meant. Are you able to have those kinds of honest chats? If it’s out of character for him to behave like this, is it possible he’s reading something online or has friends who are influencing him?

I hope you’re able to get to the root of it and sort it out!

Behaving in what way, exactly?

It’s the use of the word ‘pander’ that is the problem. It’s infantilising. It’s normal for couples to adjust to one another.

If this isn’t his normal behaviour then you’ve got to talk to him. Don’t just move on and never mention it again.
Ask him, what does he mean, why did he say it, is everything ok. Tell him how it made you feel.

8 years is a long time to walk away over 1 comment, so I get why you don’t like the ‘leave him’ comments. I would say that his responses to your questions would be what you should base your future with him on. If he listens, apologises, talks about a momentary lapse into being a dick, then it’s forgivable because he’s not normally like this, and you have 8 years of a pretty good relationship and sometimes people say stupid stuff.
If he doubles down, doesn’t apologise, thinks he’s right… well, then you have to decide if you’re ok with marrying someone with this new and strange view on how he’s going to treat you.

OP, the fact you've asked for advice suggests you understand how much of a bad sign this is. It really does look like a slipping mask. This doesn't sound like an out of character throw away comment. The patronising tone isn't something somebody who hasn't been thinking like this would say in the heat of the moment - it sounds like he's starting to try and re-educate you a couple of months early. Possibly not consciously.

In his own words, though, he's told you that his behaviour is going to change. He isn't prepared to carry on 'pandering' to you. The timing is not untypical. Even if the tone of the last years has been good, he's made it clear to you that he doesn't see this continuing. I'd be wary of discounting this because of how things have been. He's told you he considers the way he has been as unsustainable in the long term because, rightly or wrongly, he feels he has been letting too much slide.

Someone earlier suggested that if you're strong willed you might be alright but that isn't my experience. Relationships, as I'm sure you know, are exhausting, hard work and often boring in the very long term. You WILL end up keeping your head down and walking on egg shells if this does become the tone of the marriage after the wedding. It isn't weakness to do that. It's natural.

Absolutely this. He's not the boss of you and you're entitled to 1. stand up for yourself and 2. have your own opinions. This is the start of a slippery slope to control and coercion.

It may also be an accurate description of what he's been doing for a prolonged period. When someone makes you fear their responses, that's what you do, you start pandering to them. It doesn't have to be fear of physical violence, it could be fear of another tantrum, silent treatment, a whole manner of actions that make life feel extremely miserable unless you let the other person have their way.

What I find interesting is there seems to be two camps on here. Camp A: LTB. Camp B: talk to him and figure out why he’s changed.

I’m neither. I would simply, and very calmly, tell him if he ever speaks to me like that again or thinks treating me as a human with respect is “pandering” then he has ended this relationship. Done. Draw your line and mean it.

He may want to talk to you about what he said, he may want to argue with you. It doesn’t matter. He just needs to know this is a line he does not cross or you will leave.

I wouldn’t be trying to figure out this change of attitude. He might just apologise and things return to normal - great. If he talks to you reasonably as well that’s also great. If he tries to put you back in your place again and argues with you then you have your other answer. He is a prick and the relationship is over.

You are not responsible for his actions so don’t give them headspace. Be clear about your boundaries and go from there.

No - because mine knows that I could be far more ‘firm’ back … This bloke is trying to quieten you, and it’s working. You didn’t push the issue, whereas I would have given him the bollocking of a lifetime.

If you’re not prepared to tell him that you will not be silenced and you expect that both of you listen to each other’s point of view, then end this now otherwise you will become a shadow.

Ending the relationship is extreme. There must be something else going on with him.

you guys need to work on communication. Do a check in- how is he really? How is your relationship? Talk about it.

tell him how you feel. Is there anything you or he have been holding back saying for some time?

Some relationship counselling might be a good idea before you get married. Air everything in a healthy way.

Building 12 years of history and trust isn’t something you just throw away because of one shitty thing he said.

How does this leave room for you realising that your behavior has been unreasonable and that he does have to appease you in order to have a peaceful life?

There is literally no space where you accept that maybe you are in the wrong. He has to either apologise and take it back, or accept that he was disrespectful when he complained about what is going on. There isn’t a path where you listen to him and consider whether you are the problem.

I’ve only read the first page, but gosh everyone is quick to jump to LTB! In my opinion, it’s not possible for us to know what’s really going on in your life, but if your strong feeling is that he really is a decent bloke then could you look a bit more openly as to what is is that has caused his feeling of having to ‘pander’. Sounds like he has perhaps been holding something in for a while and is now letting it out - so you and he need a frank chat about the ways that you usually interact. My DH and I have had issues over the years - more about how we argue rather than what the argument is even about. It can be really helpful to both reflect on this honestly and be honest about what is triggering you both. Maybe invest in some couples therapy sessions. Hope you can sort it.
….but if he’s not willing to listen and reflect then LTB yeah ;-)

He might be. But if the first language he reaches for his includes being “firmer” and not “pandering” that in itself is a concern. Not to mention his “weird moods” and the OP thinking about ways not to “escalate” a row. Personally I also think them having 2 significant rows and a couple of days is also a concern.

Marry him op , make yourself small and quiet for him. Listen to his opinions and rants with enthusiasm. If you do this it'll keep him away from the rest of us.

Op , in all seriousness , I have heard this kind of thing before. Exh started speaking like this once I'd moved in with him. He meant what he said as I was shut down from that moment on , it escalated to a full abuse campaign. I left him in the end.

And I wonder if he came on here what his version would be?

I think you need to consider that what you described as a one off will happen more and more frequently and will become the daily norm. Your partner either is showing his true colours (even after 8 years!), as he could have been masking and now close to the wedding he is pretty much not seeing the poitn anymore knowing wedding is so close. Or he has changed, but the fact he wants to be firm with you and no longer 'pander' is a sign he has been considering this for a long while.
You are going to marry and abusive man knowing about it. You can still stop it.

I can see anything cold hearted or cruel. People are saying it’s a red flag and you need to speak to him about it