DH has violent outbursts at himself

[Anonymous1011]

Name changing for this…
I think my DH of 5 years is pretty bad at emotional regulation.
Once in a while he will get so worked up he starts hitting himself in the head and sometimes will scream at himself too. He often does this when I am close by it seems and it makes me feel very unsafe. My heart starts racing and I feel very anxious.
I have previously been in a relationship with a physically abusive partner and whilst this isn’t the same, it kind of feels too similar.

DH has never physically harmed me and I don’t believe he would, but he seems so out of control in these moments it frightens me all the same.
I suggested he could tell me he is feeling this way and move himself to another room but he says this is unacceptable as what he is doing is self harm. He thinks I should be present and want to support him? But how can I support him if I am feeling scared by his behaviour?

I have suggested he seeks help or counselling but he just won’t. It is pointless me even suggesting it anymore at this stage.
we have no children so it is just me who witnesses these outbursts at least.

What is the right way to handle this, am I being unsupportive? I really don’t mean to be, but the feeling of fear is so palpable. And why is he doing this in the first place?

I agree. But I think in ops case she's heard the term and thought 'that must be why I feel things so strongly'. When in fact she feels things perfectly normally, but is being abused and told her feelings are wrong.

I wanted to update this thread, especially in case it helps anyone else in a similar situation. I really appreciate all the advice I was given.

I have now applied for a divorce from my husband. I’ve been in counselling since May and it’s helped me to gain clarity on what has been happening.

He has not yet accepted that it’s over and is once again acting in a way that wholly benefits him and ignores everything I am telling him. He promises he will change, but I no longer believe him.

I am sure it’s going to be a bumpy ride but I’m looking forward to reclaiming my freedom.

Good for you! It probably will be a bumpy ride for a bit, just hold tight and keep looking towards the horizon.

Being quite a few months in now, I can honestly say that it has been the most emotionally challenging time of my life. Sadness, grief, questioning, blaming myself, the what ifs, the temptation to rewind and just leave things as they were - but, it gets so much better.

Life is calm and peaceful, I am stronger and more resilient and I am rediscovering who I am, what I like, what I don't like - but most of all I enjoy going to bed each night and waking each morning absolutely certain that I am peaceful in my life now. Everything else takes time.

Good luck and please do update us now and then.

Goodness OP - I remember your post at the time & was struck by how compassionate & tolerant you’d been in - trying to get help for him or a better understanding of his difficulties. Thank you for the update & congratulations for having the strength to get out & validate that you should not be treated in this way & that his behaviour was not just unacceptable but really damaging too. Wishing you a happier & healthier (emotionally) future & no toxicity, manipulation & drama no more!

Well done OP. The heightened emotions make it hard to see the difference between self harm and manipulation. I’m glad your counsellor could help you rationalise what was happening. Good luck for the future. It will be better.

I’m sure you won’t, but don’t believe that he will change. It’s easy to believe when partners are so convincing and the sheer effort of uncoupling (especially with DC) seems overwhelming. It rarely (never) ends well.

This is the part where you have to stay strong.

The divorce process is not easy in these circumstances.

Oh I’m so glad to read this update! Well done you.

I’m so glad you are doing better now too. I hope things will continue to get better 💕 It is everything to have that peaceful feeling, that’s really all I want too.

the first week I told him it was over was an absolute rollercoaster of every possible feeling, including lots of guilt. I seem to have levelled out after a few weeks and I find myself quietly excited for a calmer future?
I am definitely not going back.

I know things will probably get worse before they truly get better, but I’m still in counselling and my Mum and closest friend have been so supportive.
I think they’ve been watching this play out for years and they are so relieved I’m taking steps now.

"Self harm is a sign of autism". Please don't perpetuate this utter nonsense. It is unfair to those who struggle with self injury and those with autism, who sometimes are the same people.

It is not, and never has been, a "sign of autism".

He is absolutely going overtime on the manipulation at the moment. He goes from pleading, to getting angry, to upset and then back again.

I definitely felt myself faltering a few times but I think I’ve got the hang of it now. I’m just really keen to get the 20 week cooling off period started which will hopefully be very soon now. Hopefully by next summer I’ll be on the other side and have my freedom back.

I am feeling quite a lot of sadness for staying for so long and allowing him to treat me so poorly, and even trying to justify his behaviours. I know I have issues with boundaries and misplaced guilt and I’ll continue to work on that in counselling.

I felt like I’d never be able to leave him, so I’m proud of myself for getting out.

Awww well done you and good luck for your new future.

Oh FUCK no. I'd be talking to divorce lawyers.

You are doing so well and I am glad that you have support from other people and a therapist.
The faltering is very normal - you are a fully functioning, caring and respectful person who knows what a healthy relationship should look like (or at least we know what one doesn't look like!). You will feel sad, bad and guilty at times, you will want to make sure he is okay, his sadness will tug at your heartstrings.
They are not all bad - so the nice parts of them will play on our emotions.

I am currently remembering some good times we had, some lovely memories and that makes me sad - it's just my brain processing and adjusting still and I am allowed to have bad days. What is important is I now know why I am having bad days instead of wondering if I am the problem.

Just let the emotions out, don't stifle them and keep on moving forwards.

Reading back through my journals, at the very start when I decided enough was enough, I had 0/7 okay days, 0/7 good days and 7/7 days crying my eyes out.
Two months in I had 2/7 okay days, 1/7 good days and 4/7 crying days.
Six months in? 5/7 okay days, 2/7 good days and no more crying - yay! Thank goodness for that as I was looking quite puffy!

I feel the urge to cry creep up on me now and then, being caught unawares by something that reminds me of him or a lovely memory and I just ask it "okay, what do you want now? What are you doing in my head" and I try to analyse it. By the time I have done that, the moment has passed and I get back to moving forwards again.

You will be just fine if you go with the flow.

She already has

Op im so pleased to read your updates. All the best, stay strong and you can always come back to this thread for more support. We're always here. (Including all through the night with babies who wont sleep!)

I'm so happy to read your updates. He sound terrifying. I'm so glad you're now free of him.

@Sunflowers67 I think that’s what can keep us stuck is there are good days with them and nice memories too dotted between the bad.

I will do my best to let everything out. I developed a lot of anxiety after what happened in May, and I realised it was sort of misplaced sadness and anger largely. I’ve never been very good at allowing myself to feel anger even if it’s very deserved. There’s been a lot
of tears even before I told him I wanted the divorce as I started really realising how bad it was.

I will try and journal a bit and keep an eye on how I’m feeling. I am sure that once the divorce and financial side are settled too that I will feel a lot of relief. I just want to be fully free of him now and draw a big line underneath it all it all.

He's not out of control OP. If he was he'd have hit you too. This is control