DH has violent outbursts at himself

[Anonymous1011]

Name changing for this…
I think my DH of 5 years is pretty bad at emotional regulation.
Once in a while he will get so worked up he starts hitting himself in the head and sometimes will scream at himself too. He often does this when I am close by it seems and it makes me feel very unsafe. My heart starts racing and I feel very anxious.
I have previously been in a relationship with a physically abusive partner and whilst this isn’t the same, it kind of feels too similar.

DH has never physically harmed me and I don’t believe he would, but he seems so out of control in these moments it frightens me all the same.
I suggested he could tell me he is feeling this way and move himself to another room but he says this is unacceptable as what he is doing is self harm. He thinks I should be present and want to support him? But how can I support him if I am feeling scared by his behaviour?

I have suggested he seeks help or counselling but he just won’t. It is pointless me even suggesting it anymore at this stage.
we have no children so it is just me who witnesses these outbursts at least.

What is the right way to handle this, am I being unsupportive? I really don’t mean to be, but the feeling of fear is so palpable. And why is he doing this in the first place?

Do NOT show him this thread - the reaction won’t be good. This is for you not for him.

Can you say more about the breaking things?

I won’t, I think I’d be too nervous to even if it might help.

he has broken things to I guess blow off steam. The last time was probably 18 months ago when he had a bad driving lesson he came home, I tried to be supportive and he went into the garden and broke the clothes line by kicking it over and it snapped.
otherwise he has smashed a photo frame, and thrown a few things like games controllers.

@Anonymous1011 "I don’t feel safe emotionally and when he hits himself or in the past he would break things too, I don’t feel physically safe. Maybe part of that is baggage from my other relationship but it is what it is."

OP, I wouldn't want someone like this around either, and I haven't been abused previously. I would also feel adrenalinised and agitated if someone would behave like he does around you, especially if it happened in my safe space (eg bed).

I once had a friend in the next-door lab at a research center) who used to get into rages, he would scream at his experiment when it didn't work and smash things. Everyone hated it (and him), it made them nervous, and he was spoken to about it by his supervisor several times. He never did it to me until one day he did, he burned his lip on his hot pie and screamed at it and smashed it violently in the bin. I got a shock from it, it was completely unexpected. When he returned to the table, I told him that I wouldn't hang out with him if he ever behaved like that again, and I meant it. Aaaand - he never did something like that again. Never. Because actually he could control it.

He took up marathon running a while later, and became much more chill, to the manifest relief of his lab.

All this to say, it's not your past with an abusive ex that makes you nervous, OP. NO ONE would like this kind of shit behavior. It's simply not acceptable full stop.

Therapy will help you sort out your boundaries, which he is heavily trespassing on. He sounds very selfish and self absorbed and bratty, possibly misogynist in his expectation that you will tolerate and pander his rude behavior, and he has a big case of Main Character Syndrome.

He is violent and abusive.

Doesn't matter why.

Get out of there, get safe.

And be careful with your counsellor - not all of them know what they're talking about when it comes to this kind of insidious abuse and manipulation.

This is abuse - from the outside it is outrageous that he is demanding you are an audience for his horrible behaviour. He has somehow intimidated you into thinking he is entitled to use you like this.

If he won't get help for his "disregulation" how does he know he "needs" you to witness it, for "support"? Is this something that an MH expert would advise? Obviously not! He is talking abusive manipulative shit. He know perfectly well a professional would not say to him "yes fine carry on intimidating your wife this will heal you". No wonder he doesn't want help, he wants to carry on getting whatever nasty pleasure he is currently getting from scaring and bullying you like this.

This is also characteristic of a DV relationship.

Smashing things, punching walls, that sort of thing - it's intimidating and it's not OK. You don't have to accept it, it's not normal.

He basically acts like a toddler having a tantrum, but he's a grown man and he needs to behave like one.

It's quite common to fall into further abusive relationships after you've been in one, it's like catnip to abusers, and because it's different yet familiar you might think it's not as bad, but it's still not right.

Whatever the cause his actions are clearly communicating two things, his needs come first and in that moment he doesn’t care about your needs, including your emotional needs. You could argue he’s not regulated enough to hold your needs in mind at the times he’s behaving like this, but given that these outbursts only happen in certain places with certain people at certain times, I think that’s highly unlikely. You therefore do have to consider that there is an element of manipulation of you happening here, and possibly abuse, as smashing things, acting in a frightening manner etc is intimidating behaviour, often motivated by a desire for someone control and have their own way. It’s also clear there’s no chance of him changing any time soon, given his lack of insight in to how scary it must be for a survivor of domestic abuse to be faced with this behaviour and his focus on you needing to support him, and because he’s refusing counselling. The question therefore becomes are you happy to remain in a relationship where you don’t feel emotionally safe for the rest of your life? Counselling is definitely a great place to explore that. I’d also speak to your friends and family about it if you can. As I’m sure you well know from your last relationship, it’s common to conceal information from the people around us, to protect the partner and relationship, but the perspective of other people who know us is often really crucial to recognise abuse and inappropriate behaviour.

All the agonising and wondering about whether or not he’s on the spectrum is redundant @Anonymous1011

He is an abusive man and you just need to leave.

There is no therapising your way out of the truth. Please take steps to protect yourself by moving on without him.

Sorry but he is doing it in front of you for a reaction. If it happens during an argument or disagreement he’s using it as a way to make you feel bad, to get attention and wanting you to back down, it’s a control thing. The fact he refuses to do it in private just backs that up.

it is abusive….just not in the way your ex was abusive.

It’s resulted in you feeling on edge all the time? I expect it also makes you think twice before mentioning anything that might upset him? Which is exactly what he wants. You’re now walking on egg shells and not feeling safe around him?

Just because his aggression isn’t towards you it doesn’t mean you have to stay with him.

Honest to God op your updates drive me crazy. Stop overthinking it all and just dump the dickhead. He's a prick simple as. He will make your life a misery.

I agree with the PP You are overthinking why he’s treating you so badly.
The reasons don’t matter.
Get out now, today wouldn’t be soon enough

I think though helpful to understand why a person might behave the way they do - time spent diagnosing it & somehow justifying it in line with a personality disorder or an autism spectrum diagnosis doesn’t really achieve much if the person is incapable of being able to take your feelings into consideration or have any awareness of the impact their behaviour has on anyone else.

So the next explosion becomes “that’s my autism or bpd over which I have no control”& nothing changes. Unless he’s genuinely remorseful, actively wants professional help, to get a diagnosis & learn other ways to self regulate & manage his anger - nothing will change OP.

Being naturally caring & willing to give people a chance, esp when in a marriage, where there is more of a pressure in many ways to make it work, you speak about how his explosions have got a little better & understandably are hopeful this continues.

But it doesn’t seem to be the case. You don’t mention children or wanting them in the future, but the additional stress from having them in your lives does not bode well for your DH whose stress tolerance & ability to manage his feelings is a real problem.

It’s not fair on you or them to bring them into this volatile & unpredictable environment.

Seeing a counsellor may help you get more perspective or give you an outlet to vent or find ways to cope with it better (yourself), but it’s not addressing the real issue which his him.

There’s nothing wrong in realising the person you’re married to is not respectful of your feelings & needs, or able to provide you with the safety & trust that you need to be in a secure relationship with them. It’s disappointing & will involve a lot of dismantling of your life, (divorcing etc) but it’s not your fault nor is it a failure on your part. Your well-being & emotional (& physical) safety is more important.

This is violence. I hope seeing a therapist can help you see that.

I really hope that some counselling will give me proper clarity. I really appreciate what has been said and I can absolutely see that things are more wrong than they are right. I can feel it in my gut that how he’s portraying his latest outburst isn’t right.

I guess I wasn’t quite ready to realise that things are bad as they are. I think for quite a while I’ve been reconciling myself that most other areas of my life are happy like work, hobbies etc and that I could reconcile this being the less great thing in my life.

This is DARVO bullshit.

Someone hitting themselves and demanding an audience so they can manipulate me is one thing. And it is manipulative; what’s more it’s violent manipulation. Whether someone hits walls, themselves or someone else, it’s signalling a threat. That’s why OP was triggered and that’s why I don’t engage with it.

Someone having boundaries about being that audience isn’t the same.

BTW the person hitting themselves ‘at’ me stopped doing it, was able to have a constructive conversation with me, and as a result we reached a cooperative solution. What they wanted was desperate capitulation. ‘Please stop, I’ll do anything.’

There are people who self-harm in a way that isn't that. People with ASD, pain issues, cognitive issues, other self-harm causes that neither need, nor want, an audience. Totally different. But the OP, and the person I was dealing with, whose aim is audience capitulation? No.

I’m curious why you are so insistent? Do you self-harm and expect both an audience, and for someone to act in a certain way as a result? Have you ever explored personality disorders? They are much more treatable now. It’s possible to get support.

So you're denying the truth, attacking me, and trying to reverse victim and offender. If only there were a concise label for that strategy.

Oh, and suggesting that someone who calls you out on your hypocrisy needs therapy for a personality disorder? You're not in secondary school now. We found your level VERY quickly didn't we?

Eh?!

What is your favoured solution?

Leave without saying anything? Stay even though it’s causing you harm to do so? Capitulate? Call 999? Something else?

I feel like he doesn’t want me to see a counsellor, he says I’m making this all about me when it should be about him as he was the one struggling.

I hope you pointed out that you did make this about him by suggesting he get help, which is the rational response to someone who is struggling?

To be honest, I'm not too sure that there is much point in you seeing a counsellor, as your own response is totally rational. If someone was not frightened and upset by witnessing this behaviour, I would think there was something wrong with them.

Abuse is not a relationship issue. It’s about power and control and he wants absolute over you. Your boundaries, perhaps already skewed by poor life experience and relationships, are being further eroded by this man now. Plan your exit from him carefully because you are in a domestic violence relationship with him.

I don't have a "favoured solution". Hth!

sometimes I do feel like I hopped from an overtly abusive relationship to a more covert and insidious sort of abuse?

You have.

I repeat what I said earlier - please contact Women's Aid especially as I think you will need help to leave safely. And do it soon.
www.womensaid.org.uk/

It’s disturbing the way he expects you to bear witness to the self harm OP. Don’t bother with counselling. Just get out. He’s unsafe (in all sense of the word). Doing it in your bed is a huge transgression of where you feel safe at night when we are at our most vulnerable. Symbolically the space you both share. That’s what he does to that space. It’s chilling.

@Etaerio ease stop. This false equivalence you are drawing between an abuser and someone who asks the abuser to stop is sickening. It is the tactic specifically taught by pick up artists, incels, MRA’s and assorted misogynists to bewilder and control women. There are reddit threads and tiktok’s teaching men how to reverse engineer the trauma/control wheel the way you are doing.

I am not appealing to your better nature. There is no way your comments are innocent or in good faith.

We see you.

If it’s self harm as he says then he needs to seek psychological assistance not force his partner to witness it.

Sorry but nobody has ever thought the correct way of dealing with, for example, arm cutting is to force their loved one to observe them doing it rather than seeking help from a professional.