DH has violent outbursts at himself

[Anonymous1011]

Name changing for this…
I think my DH of 5 years is pretty bad at emotional regulation.
Once in a while he will get so worked up he starts hitting himself in the head and sometimes will scream at himself too. He often does this when I am close by it seems and it makes me feel very unsafe. My heart starts racing and I feel very anxious.
I have previously been in a relationship with a physically abusive partner and whilst this isn’t the same, it kind of feels too similar.

DH has never physically harmed me and I don’t believe he would, but he seems so out of control in these moments it frightens me all the same.
I suggested he could tell me he is feeling this way and move himself to another room but he says this is unacceptable as what he is doing is self harm. He thinks I should be present and want to support him? But how can I support him if I am feeling scared by his behaviour?

I have suggested he seeks help or counselling but he just won’t. It is pointless me even suggesting it anymore at this stage.
we have no children so it is just me who witnesses these outbursts at least.

What is the right way to handle this, am I being unsupportive? I really don’t mean to be, but the feeling of fear is so palpable. And why is he doing this in the first place?

What are your life goals OP? Do you eventually want to have children?

If you're having bad arguments with your DH and he's hitting himself in front of you and scaring you then consider if this is a relationship you want to continue with. Bringing children into this environment would be very damaging to them.

I agree with others. He needs to seek help to find ways of dealing with his emotions. Make it a condition of the relationship continuing. Why are you having bad arguments?

I think being forced to witness someone else's trauma is quite upsetting. Also being in a situation where a partner goes off to do it alone would feel like I was enabling it. I don't think either is a sustainable solution at all and the behaviour needs addressing.

it’s self harm and you must help me’

No, he must take responsibility for himself and seek professional help.

You're his wife, not a psychiatrist. Relationships aren't cures or therapy for mental health issues.

It's such an emotional manipulation to make out it's on you.

If there's a next time, tell him you're calling the police or an ambulance. That would be helping him. Not being a captive audience to his display.

"he has really grabbed onto this narrative of ‘it’s self harm and you must help me’ and won’t accept any other perspective."

Self-harm is something that only professionals can improve, OP. You are not a psychiatrist, you cannot write prescriptions for medications that reduce the desire to self-harm, you cannot provide cognitive behavioral therapy or dialectical therapy, you cannot lead group therapy, etc.

And you also cannot tell when someone is faking self-harming behavior as a mechanism to control you. Because you're not a psychiatrist.

So he's either asking you for help that is way beyond your paygrade, which means you are doing him a serious disservice to try to give him help. Or he's using his self-harm threats to get you under his control.

I personally think it's the latter, because he was able to contain his self-harming until he could do it next to you. That sounds VERY performative. VERY manipulative.

I suppose you're not ready to leave him yet? And he refuses to seek help for himself. So probably the only way you can go forward is to seek support for YOURself. Posters here can help you with that better than i (I live in France) but maybe you could start by calling Women's Aid. What you are experiencing is abuse by your H, even if it's not intended (I don't believe the latter). WA will be able to help you find resources for yourself.

I think this is abusive in the same way that punching a wall is abusive. It's a scare tactic that communicates "I'm out of control and you need to pander to me / walk on eggshells as it could be you next". It's behaviour designed to change your behaviour and give him an upper hand. I bet that the fear of these outbursts has already changed your behaviour around him to try and minimise the likelihood of it happening.

I'd read Lundy Bancroft "Why does he do that?" To get some perspective on this and I'd also set a boundary that you will walk away while it's happening. Why does his needs to have your "support" while it's happening (if he's genuinely out of control there's nothing you can do anyway) trump your need to feel safe?

Yes, it’s this. You’ve had one abusive relationship, so more likely to have another one. Maybe this guy isn’t AS bad, but it’s still bad.

It’s ultimatum time. He either gets therapy or you leave. You can’t carry on like this.

He is making you witness what he's doing so you can see 'what you have made him do'. He wants you to think it is your fault for arguing with him, and that is why he is hurting himself. You made him do it, and if you want him to stop doing it, then you will have to change your behaviour. That's what he is trying to do. There is of course also your fear that he could flip and hit you instead.

Very manipulative indeed.

He sounds like an abusive arsehole, sorry.

• if it is self harm, he has a responsibility to you and himself to seek help
• why would he want you to be there when you have expressed it scares you
• why would he want anyone who has been a victim of abuse to be exposed to violent behaviour further (this is genuinely horrible)
• how does your being there actually help him if he still does it when you are there - if he's saying it's worse in private then again, he needs to seek help before he seriously injured himself
• why doesn't he see this as a problem he needs to proactively solve and instead feels like something you should put up and shut up about - that's not acceptable in a relationship on any issue!
• why why why does he keep doing something that he knows is upsetting you! He's meant to love you and want to try protect you from things that upset you, it's so wrong!

He's an abuser.

Dump him.

Punching walls and being aggressive at property etc is classed as domestic violence so I think this counts too- it scares you, you've told him and he's refusing to change it.
He needs therapy and you need to get way from him when he does this.

Reconsider staying in a relationship with someone who is so selfish and has so little regard for your wellbeing. This won't be good for your long term health.

Does he do this in front of his friends/family/colleagues/in public?

I am guessing the answer is no so he is actually in control of what he is doing.

This is not an argument you need to have.The relationship is not a court of law and you are not pleading your case. This is the wrong mindset and will lead you down a dangerous path—the same path that led you to an abusive relationship before.

A relationship can be good or bad for you while being fine for your partner. If he loves hurting you or making you miserable there is no argument you can present that he will accept as valid. He will always evade change and accountability by Denying, Attacking, and Reversing Victim and Offender.

You can get out of this trap only by deciding first yourself “this doesn’t work for me” and leaving without making your case or arguing over it. You do nit need his consent or agreement to leave a relationship. If its bad for you it is bad enough to leave. He can and will take care of himself—(if he needed you so much he would have put himself out to change and take care of your needs. But he didn’t.)

Thank you for the messages and advice.

i spoke to him today and suggested that we could go to the doctors next week together to see if they can support him. He has declined this offer saying he won’t find it helpful, and suggested I might need emotional support from a Doctor instead.
I am giving counselling some serious thought as I have used it in the past and find it really helpful… but it’s rather evading the cause of my needing it at present.
i feel I’m pretty in tune with my emotions and cope well with most things… but I really struggle with his behaviour. I do feel like I walk on eggshells and try to comply and try to choose my words carefully around him.

I’m not sure if he’s genuinely just scared to get help, really doesn’t think he needs it or knows deep down what he’s doing isn’t exactly self harm.
he doesn’t behave like this around anyone else, with the exception that I talked to his parents when things were bad and they said when he was still living at home he did hace a similar pattern with them. I guess it’s whoever you’re closest to.

You’re not a counsellor or medical professional (of a suitable sort, presumably). That’s what someone performing self harm needs. No-one sits and watches someone cut themselves etc, they call for professional help.

It doesn't matter why he's doing it, or if he's scared - why is okay for him to scare you but not okay for him to do something scary like get help? Why does he keep putting a domestic violence victim through this, this is so sad to read. You are so far in it and I wish you the best in realising this man doesn't care about you enough to deserve being in a relationship with you or anyone. You sound like such a kind person and he's putting you through this, it's awful. You need to start leaving the house - if he is allowed to say 'no' to things, then so are you.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/recognising-domestic-abuse/

Honestly, if you’re scared he’ll really damage himself, call 999. If not, non-emergency line.

Why are you still with him, OP? He sounds terrifying and he's blaming you for not behaving the way he wants you to behave. In telling you that you're the one that needs a doctor, he's taking absolutely no responsibility for his actions.

You do realise he could lash out at you, don't you?

Honestly, in your situation I'd leave him.

OP he's telling you to get counselling to deal with his behaviour because he refuses to change. I'm sure you told him how his outbursts make you feel and he doesn't care.

I wouldn't be able to walk around on eggshells in my own home and have to deal with that. In the meantime you can buy door wedges which you slip under the door to stop it opening.

You should not be coping with his problems. This is codependency—read Melody Beatty’s famous book on the subject.

In a toxic relationship like this the sickest person makes you responsible for keeping their secrets and supporting their self destructive habits. Rapidly you feel both powerful (he needs me!!!!) and helpless (if I don’t take care if him he will die!)

If he said he needed to shoot up heroin would you hold his works for him? Buy his drugs?

If he said he needed to attack a child or hurt your pets would you accept his whining and his orders to keep his “needs” private and to facilitate his chosen activity?

He us not helpless at all—he would have to be out and out psychotic to have no control over his actions like he claims to—and he is not. His refusal to engage with a GP indicates he has every intention of continuing the behavior because he chooses it. He likes it.

You have a choice to make. Stop being a patsy and imagining that you are soooooo important to him that he can’t function without your support. He needs you the way a creeping vine needs a tree or a parasite needs a host. He will attach to some other woman as soon as you leave.

Then I would suggest you do some work on avoiding damaged men.They are unsafe for you.

Seriously, fuck him off.

He's an abuser and is abusing you and making you feel like you're the one that needs professional help to deal with your distress at being abused by him.

The problem is, these days 'therapy speak' has become mainstream so people are constantly second-guessing themselves about whether or not they're being fair or considerate or compassionate when dealing with assholes because 'mental health, self-harm, emotional dysregulation....'

The mental health/ND awareness campaign went to ridiculous extremes on social media so now everyone thinks they are, or should be a psychologist and are diagnosing or suggesting psychological formulations online or in their personal lives when they are not qualified to do so.

It really doesn't matter what trauma or pseudo-trauma he claims to have, it's not your problem.

It's nonsense.

I wouldn't stay with him. Make sure your contraception is water tight. You can't expose kids to this.

He knows he does not need help because his behaviour is not self harm but controlling. A doctor would sniff him out if he presented as the vulnerable one in need of help. Hence him saying that you are the vulnerable one in need of help. His behaviour is normal but your response is abnormal. You have the problem, not him. Blame yourself and take responsibility for his behaviour. Just a different flavour of an abusive relation ship.

Ultimatum needed here. He needs to seek professional help - on Monday he must find a therapist and show active engagement or he must leave. That’s if you want to save the relationship. My first thought was ‘this is abusive and you must leave’. Tbh as I’m typing this, I’m thinking… just leave!