DH has violent outbursts at himself

[Anonymous1011]

Name changing for this…
I think my DH of 5 years is pretty bad at emotional regulation.
Once in a while he will get so worked up he starts hitting himself in the head and sometimes will scream at himself too. He often does this when I am close by it seems and it makes me feel very unsafe. My heart starts racing and I feel very anxious.
I have previously been in a relationship with a physically abusive partner and whilst this isn’t the same, it kind of feels too similar.

DH has never physically harmed me and I don’t believe he would, but he seems so out of control in these moments it frightens me all the same.
I suggested he could tell me he is feeling this way and move himself to another room but he says this is unacceptable as what he is doing is self harm. He thinks I should be present and want to support him? But how can I support him if I am feeling scared by his behaviour?

I have suggested he seeks help or counselling but he just won’t. It is pointless me even suggesting it anymore at this stage.
we have no children so it is just me who witnesses these outbursts at least.

What is the right way to handle this, am I being unsupportive? I really don’t mean to be, but the feeling of fear is so palpable. And why is he doing this in the first place?

So you're manipulating. "Do what I want or I'm leaving."

This is just abuse op.

The 'focus on me or you have issues' approach.

Op, you don't owe anyone a relationship. You can leave for any reason. It doesn't make you a bad person to walk away from someone who scares, intimidates and bullies you.

You don't need his permission to end it. You don't need to justify ending it.

He's a bad person. And even if he wasn't, you can still walk away on the basis that he is making your life a misery.

It's not up to you to fix anyone. You can't, either. He makes it evedent he doesn't want to change. He does it deliberately.

Of course he doesn't actually want you to go to therapy. Because if you do, the councilor will tell you exactly what we are. That you're in an abusive relationship and you need to leave.

He wants an audience for his temper tantrum and you are it.
When he starts, walk away and leave him to it. If he follows you know it's an attention seeking act he's using it to make you do as he says.

I understand the need for him to self regulate if emotionally overwhelmed & sounds v ND spectrum territory. But his logic that he should not be left alone to “self-harm” is really peculiar. For one that’s his choice, two you’re not his keeper & three he’s demonstrating zero insight/empathy into the impact of seeing him hurt himself & get violent, has on you.

I’d insist on professional help. Firstly a diagnosis & then more functional coping skills & counselling for him to understand (if he has limited ability to consider your feelings) that you do not need to be present while he self regulates.

I’d find it v hard to live with tho OP. If he refuses to take responsibility for his behaviour then he knows the alternative.

OP this does not sound like a good relationship that makes you feel safe and happy. You don't need any other reason to leave.

Counselling sounds like a good idea - but I would leave first, and THEN get counselling to deal with what's happened and the pattern that is emerging here.

No, that’s called a boundary. If you don’t understand the difference, that’s your issue. I’m not going to sit there being the audience for someone’s self harm. If I believe it is actual self-harm, I call 999. If I don’t, I leave. Telling someone what I will do isn't manipulation.

Making someone be an unwilling, frightened, traumatised audience to your self-harm is manipulative.

Do not get pregnant with this man.

No, that's called double-standards. If you don't have insight into your own behaviour that's your issue.

This is DV

He’s melting down because he’s overwhelmed in a situation, he clearly never learnt to manage his emotions in a healthy way.

But the question is why would he want you to be there if he knows you are frighten? Why are his feelings more important than yours?

it scares you and this will lead to you altering your behaviour/trying to avoid upsetting him so it doesn’t happen. That’s the abuse, he is controlling you, not by hitting or shouting but by hitting himself.

If he was a good person he would recognise this isn’t acceptable behaviour and get help but he’s not willing too he would sooner you suffer than he face his own issues.

its frightening for you imagine how a child would feel if you brought one into this relationship? It’s not a good relationship you are being abused just in a different way.

This is abuse of a different type. It's no different than your previous situation.

I wonder if he thinks he needs someone there when this happens, to prevent him from talking the self harm too far. As he did the same to his parents, I don't think it's as simple as deliberate abuse.

Having said that, it can't continue as it must be terrifying for you. He has to recognise what it's doing to you (possibly difficult if it is autism) and work on how to manage it.

Sounds like what Johnny Depp did to Amber. He told her to cut him and she refused and then he threatened to cut himself and she begged him not to. There is an audio recording of this and it's harrowing to listen to.

Sadly, even self-harming can be weaponized as it is very frightening to the person who witnesses it, who is usually a loved one. It is designed to scare and intimidate. This is what makes it different from people who self-harm to deal with emotional pain. They usually do it in private and try to hide to damage they do.

Why would you tolerate this? There are plenty of non-abusive, non self harming men out there!

As others have said OP this is abuse. The only reason to want you there is that he enjoys making you feel vulnerable. He likes to know you're doing what he wants even though you're scared. Everyone has problems. Adults realise they can't make their problems everyone else's. If he won't access help I don't see what choice you have other than to leave.

You need to get away from him.

You can't help someone who doesn't want help. He is abusive and manipulative and this is only going to get worse.

surely no man would want to keep scaring his partner?

Lots of men want to do this. They are abusive, and you should stay far, far away from them.

He has a choice, either he gets professional help or you split up. You are not his punchbag, counsellor or carer, you don’t need to accept and support his awful behaviour up, you can opt to separate

Film him doing it, show the police, have him removed from your property. You have done NOTHING wrong, at all. He has you running scared and permanently trying to appease him. The cheek of him, saying you need counseling because of the stress his behaviour is causing! Fuck that! Get rid. People in normal relationships do not have to put up with this.

While I think counselling is a great idea , this should be done as well as leaving him. Even if not abusive, this is certainly a toxic and unhealthy relationship.

I sympathise with his struggles (been there, done that), however he refuses to get any help, he refuses to help himself , he’s making you an active participant in his self harm(or at least attempting to) and putting all the responsibility on your shoulders. None of this is acceptable. You don’t have to live like this. You can’t love him out of it. You can’t fix it for him. You deserve better than this.

He’s emotionally abusing you, and that’s not OK. Can you leave? Because this isn’t going to get any better unless he chooses to have therapy and given that he has no negative consequences for his behaviour it doesn’t look like he’s going to

@Anonymous1011 , it really doesn't matter what he thinks you should feel about it. I think he is showing intimidating behaviour that is totally unacceptable.

What he thinks about it is a moot point, as it crosses a boundary for you. Where is his empathy and care for you ? He doesn't give a shit that his behaviour intimidates you.

I think it would be sensible to end the relationship. Counselling would be good before any new relationship.

Could he be autistic? The extreme lack of regulation and inability to understand the impact of his behaviour on others is very reminiscent of my autistic Ex. As is the ego centric point of view that you exist for what you can give to him.

Regardless of the cause of his behaviour, you should leave this relationship. This guy has serious issues of some kind. Leave him to them. He’ll drag you down with him. Believe that you matter enough to walk away from a relationship that will damage you.

I have wondered for quite a while now if he is on the spectrum or I heard someone describing BPD before and it felt like they were describing my DH. I’m fully aware I can’t possibly diagnose him and he might be none of those things- but something has felt off for a long time. It is probably a nothing thing but he often will sit by himself on the sofa but be fully under a blanket and I find it strange (I don’t say anything) especially as we have a lovely view from our living room and I find it a very strange choice to block everything out? I had stated thinking more recently if this was some sort of neurodivergent behaviour?

I know ultimately it doesn’t really matter as to the why if he won’t get help.
he is really confusing me, and part of me is tempted to show him this thread even but I don’t think I’m brave enough, and I’m also slightly concerned about how he might take it.

He has improved in the past few years with having less angry outbursts, and he doesn’t go into such a rage as quickly
now. But it does still happen, and it is very easy for him to move on and forget about it. But for me it chips away a part of what I felt more him and the feeling of safety I really thought I had in this relationship. I always feel the need to say he’s not the same as my ex, but sometimes I do feel like I hopped from an overtly abusive relationship to a more covert and insidious sort of abuse. I don’t feel safe emotionally and when he hits himself or in the past he would break things too, I don’t feel physically safe. Maybe part of that is baggage from my other relationship but it is what it is.
I have found a local counsellor so I will give them a call tomorrow morning. I think no matter what I do need some regular support with this.

Seriously he is so full of BS. Manipulative and nasty and abusive. It all about him all the time. This is LTB territory 100%.