In what circumstances does a father get full custody of his child?

[athenaswrath]

Hi,

I was just wanting to know the answer to this question, the father of my child who is a complete narcissist and bully has stated to the judge yesterday that he going for full custody of our child after trying to prove I was mentally unstable which didn’t work and I was granted permission to take our daughter abroad. He is using everything he can which is very little to try and make my life as difficult as possible. I’ve got another court case after my holiday and he has stated he wants her full time or if not full time 50/50 (make up your mind)

This bloke has put me through hell the last 2 years and he’s really affected me mentally. As you can imagine trying to co parent with a narcissist is unbelievably hard.

He is also going to use my eldest son as a means of getting her too he has said she is unsafe round him and he worries about her round him because my eldest has a diagnosis of ADHD and is being assessed for ASD he has in the past been verbally aggressive and has put holes in my walls from his outbursts, he did two years ago accidentally break his younger brothers arm when play fighting but social come round and that case was closed. He is not a threat to our daughter he absolutely adores her but this is one of the things he will use in court. He has tried to make me look mental and like I am unstable too because I suffer with depression and anxiety.

I know I have a huge battle coming up and need to prepare for the vicious lies he’s going to attack me with. I just need some advice if possible please.

The one example I know, the wife was an alcoholic.

Well I can clear up I’m not an alcoholic, I’m not a drug user and I’m not physically abusing my children.

From what I’ve heard the courts are well versed in one partner attempting to paint a picture of an unstable ex partner in order to attempt to manipulate proceedings. They look out for this quite heavily and wouldn’t just believe him without any evidence. Have you ever physically hurt your children? That’s the main thing that would count against you. Eg bruises or broken bones. Otherwise it’s likely you will both have your POV heard and assessed

The circumstances I've seen are all maternal drug or alcohol dependency.

Are you speaking with your local domestic abuse charity for support? They have courses that help you to be able to identify these mens techniques and to recover :)

Nope never hurt them and caused bruises or broken bones.

Yes I’m going to seek out next chapter as this has been happening for two years. It’s just a lot to take in knowing you’ve been abused mentally and emotionally.

Very unlikely he would get full residence. 50:50 contact is not wholly unlikely

Offer him 50/50. He probably won't even show up. It's a tool to control you, not a desire to be a present and involved parent.

Our court case went on for four years. I was constantly threatened with the dad getting full custody, because they didn't believe a word I said. They can't comprehend that a child can think for themselves, everything was my fault.

He was physically abuse throughout our marriage but I didn't have proof so it didn't happen - I lied on purpose to stop contact

I called the police when he hit me at handover - it's abusive to the children to call the police to their dad in front of them

The children weren't happy at contact - because I told them to

Child went missing during contact - because I'd told them to run off

Children said they didn't enjoy their weekends with dad - because I did too much fun things on my weekends on purpose

I mean, I even went to work on a snow day "on purpose", knowing he'd have to take a day off work as the children were still with him 🤷🏼‍♀️

And on and on. It was all my fault. (He got 50:50 in the end then never bothered to see them.)

50/50 when he tells me and has constantly told me in the past about needing to work? That was one of the things he kept going on about in the past I can’t have her this day and that day as I have to work. He also mentioned this yesterday. He’s not currently working now as he got sacked. He also mentioned to me the weekend just gone that he didn’t know if he can have her because he hasn’t got money to look after her meaning feed her.

It’s really hideous, I’ve spent a lot of time in family courts and feel for you. It doesn’t sound like you have anything to worry about with regards to losing contact. If you can mask your anxiety in court you may be in a better position, in the past I went in and ended up shaking/crying and my ex then used this against me saying I was unstable. Obviously it’s a stressful situation, and they are used to seeing people getting upset but I would just tried to keep it together as much as you can while you are in there

If he messages you nasty texts or emails make sure you keep them as proof threatening coercive behavior.

His accommodation is also not really adequate for a 2 year old to be brought up full time in, it’s extremely tiny too and he wants to remove her from her brothers and her home which is a good size where she has her own bedroom into his tiny little flat that you can just about fit a single bed in the spare room which would be her room.

I’ve got all of them but the judge didn’t seem this yesterday I don’t know whether it’s because we was there for consent of the holiday only or he literally just turned a blind eye to his constant harassment and threats and abuse?

Yeah that’s something my ex will do. It’s been court case after court case since last October it’s been extremely stressful for me.

Also another thing we have an undertakings in place that we both agreed too would this also be used in the child arrangements case? If he was to say I’m mentally unstable again will yesterdays hearing where the judge grants me permission to take our child abroad rule out that I am mentally unstable because of I was this wouldn’t of been granted right?

In answer to your original question, also if the mother is a danger to the children - this has happened within my extended family. However social services were heavily involved, and she couldn't be left alone with the children before she split from my family member. It sounds like you are nowhere near that. There weren't alcohol or drugs involved, but the mother was very damaged by her background, and unable to prioritise the needs of her children.

Nope I’ve had none of that. The only time social have been involved is when I’ve personally emailed them and asked them for help or the school and I have agreed to ask social to help. It was more to do with my eldest because of his ADHD and stuff like that. Not because I was a risk to my children or an alcoholic or a drug user or an abusive parent.

I'm sorry you are going through this. I've been through similar, many years ago and it is one of the worst things to have to deal with, ever. PP have pointed out it's a common scenario in courtrooms and in order for a child to be taken away from the mother, a parent has to be proven to be a significant risk to the children. (eg. on the scale of being a heroin addict or raging alcoholic etc...
You are clearly not a risk - depending upon the ages of the children (mine were 2 & 1), CAFCASS will actually visit you both at home and make an assessment to recommend to the court. They have the sway and the decision making emphasis, not the judge in my experience. My exH had an affair then tried to destroy a family business which also included extended family member's livelihoods. I was broken at this point, crying all the time etc. and (prior to recording being commonplace on a smartphone) he used to buy recording devices and secret them up his sleeve - presumably to make out I was emotionally unstable - which I most definitely was, purely down to his actions and narcissistic behaviour. Fortunately the recordings were inadmissible in court as they can be manipulated - he tried this once by pretending I was hitting him shouting "get off me" into a device I was unaware he had on him, and if it wasn't so serious it would have been funny.
In the end and probably because of the ages of my children, I got them more often than him during the week (courts like consistency for school age etc) and he got them half of every weekend and once a month a full weekend whereby I had the weekend to myself . It killed me at first but I actually grew to actually enjoy the down time of that weekend.
It also killed me to keep my thoughts in about him over the years, as although he turned into an utter cunt back then I always knew my DC needed emotional stability and to manage that, they deserved to have a dad who wasn't decimated by those who knew about him and his antics. He was wealthy and did provide financially albeit ordered by the court but he didn't shirk his payments. This was the only thing I could find to 'big him up' to his kids and I guess in his own way he did love them and still does.
Years later I found out he was dabbling with drugs including cocaine - explains the extreme paranoia/massive mid life crisis and new habit of wearing a bucket hat like Liam Gallagher.
My solicitor at the time said to me "you know your DC will grow up to realise what their father is like without any input from others". My exH was such a good actor, I never thought he would let his guard down and would happen, however my karma came when they realised

"dad is awful in conflict - it never ends well"

• daughters words, age 23, not mine 😊

ps; I'm guessing your ex is self representing - narcissists often do as they like to think they are controlling it all ... big mistake in legal issues 😉

My experience is that social Work and courts operate randomly and inconsistently in such matters.

I am so sorry you went through this utter bullshit too, it’s extremely stressful and absolute draining isn’t it? I just don’t understand how he thinks he will get full custody? He thinks that taking her away from myself and her brothers and home is best for her? Her brothers dote on her, this how is adequate safe and clean, she is clean and is well loved and looked after. He knows all this but is trying to break me down mentally by doing this too me. He has stolen of me, he has committed fraud with our daughters healthy start card also, he has mentally and emotionally abused me over the last two years. It’s been damaging to myself that is why I’ve been depressed and have anxiety because HE has made it worse but doesn’t think this. He tried to tell the judge yesterday I was mentally unstable and that my family members aren’t responsible adults either because he didn’t want me taking her on a family holiday. He didn’t win. I think that’s why he ended up saying to the judge I’m going for full custody and I have been in touch with social services. He has rang my landlord and reported anti social behaviour against me, he has also reported me to the council and said that a man was living here and said I was committing fraud I had a bloke come and look round my house! I know damn well it was him even though he denies it. He’s a compulsive liar too he lies about everything. We use the close app when we talk about [name redacted] because it’s a court approved app and even on there he still harasses and abuses me which the judge yesterday turned a blind eye too. As you can see it all on there.

How do you mean?

The only father I know who had their young child full time was a widower.

I am being facetious here but it is an important point that you need to try and take care of yourself as if anything happens to you then he will get full custody which will be a disaster for her.

I have been, it’s been hard because of how he has made me feel the last two years. I am trying my best to help myself. I’ve been doctors had a medication review and change. I’ve spoken about my feeling to the gp and the cause of what is happening. I was referred to the mental health team who assessed me and I told them everything with what was going on in regards to him and they agreed he was the cause of the distress the anxiety and the depression at the time.

Unless you pose a significant risk of harm to your child and their sibling poses a current risk you’re not managing then it’s very unlikely he will get full custody. If he’s going down the mentally unstable route then your best defence is to be calm and measured in response to his bad behaviour. He might well then try for 50/50 so in that instance the more proof you currently have that you meet the child’s day to day needs and provide stability the better. This should be evident in your interaction with professionals though (think who takes them to health and dentist appointments, who does the school run, parent’s evening etc).

Edited to recommend you look at legallynik on insta and consider buying her family court guidance pack.