In what circumstances does a father get full custody of his child?

[athenaswrath]

Hi,

I was just wanting to know the answer to this question, the father of my child who is a complete narcissist and bully has stated to the judge yesterday that he going for full custody of our child after trying to prove I was mentally unstable which didn’t work and I was granted permission to take our daughter abroad. He is using everything he can which is very little to try and make my life as difficult as possible. I’ve got another court case after my holiday and he has stated he wants her full time or if not full time 50/50 (make up your mind)

This bloke has put me through hell the last 2 years and he’s really affected me mentally. As you can imagine trying to co parent with a narcissist is unbelievably hard.

He is also going to use my eldest son as a means of getting her too he has said she is unsafe round him and he worries about her round him because my eldest has a diagnosis of ADHD and is being assessed for ASD he has in the past been verbally aggressive and has put holes in my walls from his outbursts, he did two years ago accidentally break his younger brothers arm when play fighting but social come round and that case was closed. He is not a threat to our daughter he absolutely adores her but this is one of the things he will use in court. He has tried to make me look mental and like I am unstable too because I suffer with depression and anxiety.

I know I have a huge battle coming up and need to prepare for the vicious lies he’s going to attack me with. I just need some advice if possible please.

It’s just heartbreaking that someone things it’s ok and is for the best to remove a child from her home, her siblings and her mum where she has been living for her whole life when they know deep down they are safe and there are no concerns regarding their child. It’s just so unnecessary all of this it really is.

I haven't RTFT, but wanted to tell you about my friend who went through similar.
Her ex announced he was going for full custody, obviously got talked down by his solicitor, so went for 50/50. My friend was very upset about the whole thing.

In the end he got every other weekend, 1 mid week night and half the school holidays. After a few months the mid week night was dropped, then the weekends became sporadic, he got a new girlfriend.

Now, a few years on, he barely sees his child. Entirely his choice as my friend more than facilitated the initial court order.

Stay calm and hang on in there, he's trying to get to you though the courts.

The thing is I have 3 other children they are at school I have routines in place, school runs, appointments and eventually I’ll be getting back to work all of this needs to be taken into account I can’t keep meeting him every week to take her to his all the time it’s not fair on me or the other children plus how am I ever meant to plan another holiday if this sort of arrangement was to be agreed? Two years time she starts school full time too? This September she starts nursery.

My dp got full residency of his daughter when she was 6 or 7 (she's mid 20's now). Her mother was driving without a license with her in the car, drink driving, arrested several times for drunk and disorderly, left her home alone, scared her when she was drunk/high. She didn't turn up at the court hearing, said she couldn't make it, so the judge award dp full residency.

We don't have dc's together, and won't as we're too old, but he's an amazing father to both his dd's. I'm very grateful my dc's have him in their lives.

I also wanted to say, this is completely about control.... I've been married and divorced twice. My 1st xh did exactly the same. He didn't want my kids, he wanted to exert his control and he thought he'd get an inheritance that I'd received from my grandparents (ironically I'm in a similar, but not violent, situation with ex2!!).

Once he realised he wasn't getting what he wanted, he lost interest in my ds's. They're grownup now, but neither of them have anything to do with him.

Just remember, if you do go to court with him, DO NOT lose your temper.
There’s nobody in this world that could make me as angry as my DD’s father (my ex).
He might be banking on getting under your skin so you snap and get irate in court.

It's highly unlikely a court would give a father full custody unless the child is at serious risk of harm with the mother. My dc were neglected by their alcoholic, drug addicted mother for several years. Social services got involved several times (because she'd drink herself into hospital), and every time ss closed down their investigations concluding the dc weren't at risk because "dad steps up and takes the children when mum has an episode". Social services suggested I take legal advice on applying for custody, but legal advice was that I'd never get full custody because ss didn't deem the kids as being at risk of harm (despite recording low level neglect). Solicitor's exact words were "Don't waste your money on applying for custody, just focus on co-parenting amicably with your ex".

So long as you tell the court that you want your DC, they're unlikely to give your ex full custody. 50/50 is likely though. But do I think the violent older sibling is a potential concern here, if your ex can convince the authorities that your dd is at risk from him it might affect the court's decision.

The man is abusive. I have evidence of this. Why would the courts give an abusive man 50/50 custody? He’s also cancelled having her next too which is hilarious! The hearing was literally 24 hours prior He refused consent to take her abroad because it was during his time (which was another one of his reasons for not consenting) yet the last two weekends he was meant to have her (which was his weekend and always has been his weekend) before I go on holiday he has cancelled and chose to work instead even though he moaned about me taking her away during his time with her? Do you see what i mean now it’s nothing to do with him wanting to see his child it’s all about control and what he wants it’s not what’s best for our daughter.

I won’t and I haven’t in recent hearings. Even though he’s spun lies.

Honestly since the hearing he’s already cancelled having her, he would never cope with her full time he has no family and hasn’t a clue what is all involved.

it just makes my blood boil that hes doing it all in spite not in the best interests of our daughter. It’s all about revenge and spite.

Yes, but he's not going to win, especially if he's cancelling contact Willy nilly. Let him tantrum, it's not your problem.

I know of a parental alienation case where
the dad got full custody, the child was very young as well. Dad had lots of money in this case though and had a legal team and the poor mum didn't stand a chance. Doesn't sound like your ex is going to be able to go down this route.

I’ve got a calender with all the times he had her and then changed it then cancelled it’s all on my old calender from last year too because I knew deep down he was going to do this at some point.

No he hasn’t. The last two times he has represented himself. He has said to me now that I’ve gone for the living with order he thanks me because he now doesn’t work he can get legal aid and get her full time.

He can't get legal aid, it hasn't been solely means tested for about 20 years!

Why does he want full custody of your DD and not his DS’.

To me that’s a huge red flag.

I dont know of any case where 1 child has been placed FT with a parent and not the others as if a child is unsafe with one parent all children are unsafe with that parent.

Courts predominantly prefer 50/50 as you are both equal parents but all of your children should have 50/50 with their father and I’d bring that up as why does he want 1 and not the other.

Sorry you are dealing with this and hope you get a judge that can see through his games.

The only example I know of- the mother was homeless

The situations I've known this to happen was for neglect.

Ahhh sorry just seen your post again about our DD and your DS’s.

Id still say he’d have a case to argue that your dd isn’t safe but your other 3 are.

My sons aren’t his.

It’s because I’ve got legal aid.

But that doesn't entitle him to legal aid?

I don’t know how it works but he said about me entitled to it.

I went through court with my childrens father because after a visit in half term he decided to keep my son there. I’m not sure what happened but my son went from being happy here to apparently not wanting to return. I went to social services and through the court process. My son has ASD and some other health issues. While he was there he told him he never had to go to school again (my son hates school, so he loved this idea). He didn’t bother trying to take my daughter.

CAFCASS wrote their statement recommending that my son be returned to me.

Whilst with his father, he missed 14 weeks of school, and several hospital appointments. His father has never paid a penny towards his upbringing (owes thousands of CM) and they were both sleeping at his mother’s house (ex moved back home when we split up) with no bed of his own and wearing all the clothes I’d sent him with because his dad doesn’t buy him anything. I did all the journeys back and fourth for him to see his children. He cancelled many times and made barely any effort. Yet I nearly lost him.

All I’ll suggest is if you can, get a solicitor to speak on your behalf. I’m usually a confident speaker but while in court, I had all the words I wanted to say and obviously the evidence was stacked against him but because he went in so hard on me and (I only had a Mackenzie friend) the things he was saying about me were so shocking I closed up and couldn’t speak properly, couldn’t get my point across and forgot what I needed to say because he kept shouting me down. Then as I was waiting for my turn to speak the judge kept moving the topic on so I didn’t get to say my response. My nerves got the best of me and it was awful. I almost lost my son because of it. The judge enabled him to stay there for the time being until the second court case. I was certain I was going to lose but thankfully he the ex didn’t show up and he was ordered to return to me (by this point I’d secured a decent solicitor to speak for me). It cost a lot but was worth it, even though I’m paying for it still. I got a residency order so he’s unable to do this to me again.
He now just sees him here and there the same as before. It was a control thing, but despite all the odds being against him, it very nearly didn’t work that way because I wasn’t as well prepared as I should have been. It should not be this way and I’m sure it isn’t for many, but that was my experience.

Mine is different, even though he is abusive to me he has her and sees her and has paid for her through CMS. He threatens to keep her but hasn’t done this, even just the threats have given me anxiety, I have lots of messages and video evidence of the abuse by means of control through our daughter. He has been using my mental against me and saying that’s why I shouldn’t take her abroad and that’s why he should have her full time as well as saying about my eldest son. I have legal aid so I have a solicitor that is sorting this through legal aid but my confidence on them is not 100% I have no choice but to use these as it’s who I have been assigned too as such. I’m extremely worried he will be given full custody and I’m still yet awaiting his statement and evidence he has given over in the last hearing because I haven’t even see this which I know I’m supposed too, he saw my statement and my evidence and was able to prepare properly for this where I went in blind because I didn’t see anything he had said or the evidence he had given.