I have recently posted about my partners behaviour and lack of libido.
He was claiming not to want/need sex, but secretly using pornography and searching women on Facebook and Instagram. He also has previous for at least an emotional affair, evidence they kissed.
So the last week or so he has been acting different. His libido has reappeared. We went on a weekend break, and I found Viagra in his bag (he didn't use it whilst we were away as the minute we were back at the hotel he was snoring his head off) But since our return home he has wanted to be intimate.
Last night I got home from work and we done our usual routine, dinner tv etc. I did however notice his ipad had moved, this is the ipad he used for previous porn and speaking to other woman. He has changed his passwords after I caught him previously so I have no access. We got to bed and he was holding me closer than usual, stroking my arm, his breathing changed. I could tell he wanted something to happen.
He then put me into a position we don't do, ever. Not since the early days, it's a position in which he doesn't need to see my face, and he came quite quickly. I felt terrible afterwards, like I could have been anyone. It was like he was just using me to get off. He fell asleep quite quickly afterwards.
I could not get to sleep, I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I was awake most of the night. I knew I had to speak to him about this first thing. When he woke I asked him (not in an accusatory way) what happened last night? Was his libido back? And what had brought it on.
He told me he had been thinking about us having a threesome all day yesterday (with him and his friend, not another woman) I asked him to tell me what prompted that thought, and he basically described the scenario in his head and got very turned on again. It sounded like something from a budget porn film. It was vile. He admitted he got himself off to these thoughts yesterday. He actually used the term "spit roasting". He is in his 50's, I am in my late 30's, we have been together a long time. Why the fuck would he want to even think of me being shared with his friend.
I am now feeling totally heartbroken. His libido isn't back for me, it's back from some vile fetish he has likely watched online yesterday. I could have been anyone last night, he just had to release. Where do I go from here?