I know him, he's changed

[Lostinmyself]

I have recently posted about my partners behaviour and lack of libido.

He was claiming not to want/need sex, but secretly using pornography and searching women on Facebook and Instagram. He also has previous for at least an emotional affair, evidence they kissed.

So the last week or so he has been acting different. His libido has reappeared. We went on a weekend break, and I found Viagra in his bag (he didn't use it whilst we were away as the minute we were back at the hotel he was snoring his head off) But since our return home he has wanted to be intimate.

Last night I got home from work and we done our usual routine, dinner tv etc. I did however notice his ipad had moved, this is the ipad he used for previous porn and speaking to other woman. He has changed his passwords after I caught him previously so I have no access. We got to bed and he was holding me closer than usual, stroking my arm, his breathing changed. I could tell he wanted something to happen.

He then put me into a position we don't do, ever. Not since the early days, it's a position in which he doesn't need to see my face, and he came quite quickly. I felt terrible afterwards, like I could have been anyone. It was like he was just using me to get off. He fell asleep quite quickly afterwards.

I could not get to sleep, I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I was awake most of the night. I knew I had to speak to him about this first thing. When he woke I asked him (not in an accusatory way) what happened last night? Was his libido back? And what had brought it on.

He told me he had been thinking about us having a threesome all day yesterday (with him and his friend, not another woman) I asked him to tell me what prompted that thought, and he basically described the scenario in his head and got very turned on again. It sounded like something from a budget porn film. It was vile. He admitted he got himself off to these thoughts yesterday. He actually used the term "spit roasting". He is in his 50's, I am in my late 30's, we have been together a long time. Why the fuck would he want to even think of me being shared with his friend.

I am now feeling totally heartbroken. His libido isn't back for me, it's back from some vile fetish he has likely watched online yesterday. I could have been anyone last night, he just had to release. Where do I go from here?

Definitely on my own. I couldn't imagine sharing space with anyone again. Especially not after this. I just want peace.

Yeah I have my own money fortunately

This.

The OP is a young woman with her whole life ahead of her. What is there for her is she stays with this dirty old man? The misery of being with someone who will try to coerce her into having sex with him and his friend because of his hang-ups about his sexuality and - ultimately - being guilted into being his carer.

Please, OP. Don't stay with him. In twenty years time you'll be thinking about what could have been, if only you'd moved on.

Organise a place to stay, pack and go. If you're worried about what to say to him, you don't have to say anything.

He isn't making you happy, he's a cheat, and you aren't compatible. You really need to end this relationship.

I think you're actually focusing on the wrong thing with the threesome fantasy. The real problem here is that he's already cheated on you at least once (kissing isn't an 'emotional' affair, it's just an affair; he is a cheat), he talks to other women online, you have different attitudes to porn, and you haven't been having much/any sex life with him. This isn't a healthy relationship and he makes you miserable.

His fantasy is a really common one. It's not a fetish and it doesn't mean he's gay. He may well have seen it in porn, but threesomes are a very mainstream fantasy for both men and women, regardless of whether they watch porn.

You are obviously entitled to find it a complete turn-off, but I would suggest this is an issue of you being sexually incompatible with one another rather than him being some kind of pervert. But either way - he makes you feel unhappy and unloved and he isn't faithful to you, so even if you were on the same page in the bedroom I'd still be advising you to end the relationship.

You don't need proof of anything. In fact, I'd probably keep it as brief and simple as possible - you're not happy and know you won't ever be happy with him - because I guarantee he'll try to twist everything you say and make you doubt yourself.

If you can find the strength just pack and go. Leave a note saying “I’m young, you are old. I am seeing someone else. Bye.” This will stop him from trying to get you back. You are extremely vulnerable to pressure by thus man so tey to avoid confrontation or discussion.

I wouldn't put myself in the firing line like that. He would tell the world I was sleeping around, he would never let it go

Do it now, OP. What have you got to lose? Apart from a dirty old perv! You CAN do this! 💪🏻❤️

I wouldn't even get into any of that. I would go with: I don't think this is working anymore. Don't think we're compatible. Don't think we have a future. It's best to end it now. I wish you all the best (through gritted teeth, for a quiet life). And if he persists in asking repeat the above with 'I've made my decision. It's over'.

You may think you don't have anyone else, but without him you'll have space to find better people, whether friends or a partner.

Oh ffs come off it. This isn’t a very mainstream fantasy of a husband to request of his wife. Please stop normalising this cheating perverts behaviour. Fair enough if two couples meet stating they both want this kind of relationship dynamic. Absolutely not normal though being blinded with requests like this years in to marriage though.

It sounds like that’s what happened with his last wife, made her out to be the bad guy.

OP, I would recommend you get some therapy to focus on your needs and how to move forward without him.

The way you talk about him is strange, like he’s the parent and you somehow need his permission to end it. You don’t.

I’m talking about the fantasising, not actually doing it. Threesomes are a very common fantasy for both sexes. Expecting the OP to actually do it is another matter, of course.

Regardless of all that, though, it’s pretty clear he’s been a dickhead for years; he’s cheated on her at least once and messaged other, younger women, and they haven’t had a proper sex life for ages and she already knows he was more interested in porn than in her. He’s a cheat first and foremost; secondly they’re not on the same page sexually. He’s got form for being a twat already. I certainly hope the OP leaves him; he’s a repellent individual who treats her like shit. I just think this latest incident isn’t as surprising a development as some on the thread are suggesting.

I don't have much else to add, OP.

I'm glad you've decided to leave him.

You said that, when you were younger, you believed he could do no wrong yet you lost your friends because they didn't like things he was doing and saying. So it clearly wasn't all a bed of roses.

A few years ago (in my mid 40s), I had a very brief fling with someone much younger than me (mid 20s). I gave myself 'the ick' if I'm honest. I could feel the disparity in our ages. I could feel the power imbalance and l, even though I didn't take advantage, I could see how easy it would.have been to do so. It lasted about 5 weeks. He told me he loved me and I ended it because he needed to be with someone his own age.

He wanted children; mine were nearly adults. He hadn't even started his career; I had been to university 3 times by then and was well established in mine. He said the age difference was just a number; I could only see 20 years of life experience, friendships, relationships, sex, challenges, joys, a marriage, a divorce, memories that he hadn't even had time to imagine yet.

Some older men are attracted to that huge disparity. They like the imbalance and the fact the woman isn't experienced or strong enough to challenge them or, in many cases, to know any better. That is the attraction.

Please refer this if your resolve to leave weakens.

You really do deserve such more.

Oh, and the younger man, he is now engaged to a woman his own age and they have a child together. I sometimes bump into him and we always stop and chat. We never even mention 'us' though. He's exactly where he should be in life at his age and it would have been so wrong for me to be with him and deny him all of that.

In your case, he hasn't changed. You have. You've grown up, matured and you can now see him for who he really is. The man he always was.

thanks for sharing that @DrinkingCoffeeInTheGarden it's gave me insight to how my life should have been. Can't believe i've wasted so much time with this man.

I have hired a cottage for the weekend, to give me time and space away to try and clear my head. I plan on looking for permanent houses whilst i'm away. I have told him I need a break away as i'm not feeling myself. He seemed to accept this.

Will keep u's updated how I get on

Good luck OP. I hope everything works out well for you.

That’s great news, OP. My mum started again at age 50, having got married at 18. (She ended my parents’ marriage because of my dad’s affairs). It took her a while to get used to living independently but, once she did, she absolutely thrived.

I think you’ll find many of your friends will welcome you back once they know you have left this guy who has stolen your youth. Fortunately, you’re at a really good age for a re-launch.

Thanks for this. I'm glad ur mum found her freedom. I think that's wots happened, it's taken time for me to realise I deserve more. I'm glad i'm finally seeing clearer. I hope I thrive too.

I don't think I would even reach out to old friends, too much time has passed. Too much has happened in their lives, marriage, kids, things I haven't been present for. We aren't the same people we were back then.

Maybe look at trying to make new friends, although I have heard this is difficult for woman in their 30's

@Lostinmyself - as to friends, you might be surprised to find at least some old friends, if not all, are glad to welcome you back. And you can also make friends through work and interests. One step at a time.

You deserve so much better and this will destroy your self esteem. Get out and you will find someone who doesn’t do these things or have time for you to rebuild and realise you never deserved this!

No love.

he's manoevered you into a position of doing everything to support him, he's used you sexually, and now he wants to get off on the idea of his property being fucked by someone else.

I'm sorry, it's that bald.

In practical terms I suggest a few days away to ~think~.

Do you have any older women friends, or anyone with their head really screwed on well who takes no shit, to talk to?

Also, when you've lost both parents so young you are adrift, and quite possibly no one around took the time to teach you about boundaries and being treated well. (not that every mother is a good one, but there's often not even the chance of being taught if you don't have any parents).
This works both consciously and unconsciously, I'm afraid. It might be worth taking a look at this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/5331502-can-i-ask-you-if-you-grew-up-with-an-absent-mother?page=1 which isn't exactly your situation but still.

Sweetheart, also read Motherless Daughters.

The loss of parents young forms us in ways we don't understand at all when we are young, and not fully when we are older. It's an extremely useful book to help your understanding of how you tick.

www.amazon.co.uk/Motherless-Daughters-Legacy-Hope-Edelman/dp/1473695619/ref=sr_1_1?crid=3PG4VXQ2YCL8K&dib=eyJ2IjoiMSJ9.G4bJ4UDF8bLW8q9gLUuqJRnVYVvGBMplDy1XPmZgvTZmoOW901slhV6mSbJnX4XoTwfAZy5yWsCIndHylp4L5C92uA_5092eU8DXes3zbVRDhcERC6zPUWdvEieBfaK8gZo4m6aTdhD_dGt3YiM7WHphs-RVUXBVhe2SlJlOtbNFzKoGyHsugQ8T00XUV65H6E5tFkpbAZIy2TDExvrVTiiPp2gKD-ZAC83tLI1LtQ4.dyHPRb37MXnyXch-QV5cIjkSrXLFannPt2RSK7CsZr8&dib_tag=se&keywords=motherless+daughters&qid=1747316967&sprefix=motherless+%2Caps%2C82&sr=8-1