I know him, he's changed

[Lostinmyself]

I have recently posted about my partners behaviour and lack of libido.

He was claiming not to want/need sex, but secretly using pornography and searching women on Facebook and Instagram. He also has previous for at least an emotional affair, evidence they kissed.

So the last week or so he has been acting different. His libido has reappeared. We went on a weekend break, and I found Viagra in his bag (he didn't use it whilst we were away as the minute we were back at the hotel he was snoring his head off) But since our return home he has wanted to be intimate.

Last night I got home from work and we done our usual routine, dinner tv etc. I did however notice his ipad had moved, this is the ipad he used for previous porn and speaking to other woman. He has changed his passwords after I caught him previously so I have no access. We got to bed and he was holding me closer than usual, stroking my arm, his breathing changed. I could tell he wanted something to happen.

He then put me into a position we don't do, ever. Not since the early days, it's a position in which he doesn't need to see my face, and he came quite quickly. I felt terrible afterwards, like I could have been anyone. It was like he was just using me to get off. He fell asleep quite quickly afterwards.

I could not get to sleep, I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I was awake most of the night. I knew I had to speak to him about this first thing. When he woke I asked him (not in an accusatory way) what happened last night? Was his libido back? And what had brought it on.

He told me he had been thinking about us having a threesome all day yesterday (with him and his friend, not another woman) I asked him to tell me what prompted that thought, and he basically described the scenario in his head and got very turned on again. It sounded like something from a budget porn film. It was vile. He admitted he got himself off to these thoughts yesterday. He actually used the term "spit roasting". He is in his 50's, I am in my late 30's, we have been together a long time. Why the fuck would he want to even think of me being shared with his friend.

I am now feeling totally heartbroken. His libido isn't back for me, it's back from some vile fetish he has likely watched online yesterday. I could have been anyone last night, he just had to release. Where do I go from here?

Your own words highlight the abuse from the things you have said and the questions you have answered.

You had friends in your life that distanced themselves due to your relationship. You said they didn't agree with the excuses you made for him.
He made out his affair was your fault.
He had a wank inside of you.

I hope you are okay OP please reach out to women's side for more advice.

I’m not sure I’d jump to him being abusive tbh. We don’t know anything of their relationship.

From the outside looking in, it could be said that he took advantage of someone who was vulnerable (you had just lost your parents), he seems to have ostracised you from your friends ( potentially) and he appears to be involving you in his sexual fantasies with his friend. That actually seems quite bad looking back on what I’ve wrote tbh.
How did you meet? (Sorry if you’ve already said)

How do you feel OP? Especially with the outside view of MN?

We met in a pub, nothing out of the ordinary. He had seen me about I wasn’t overly interested. But he slowly worked his way in.

I feel really confused, I don’t know wot to do. He’s all I’ve known for so long and I really don’t have anyone bar him. If I go I’m totally on my own. I don’t have friends, I don’t talk to anyone else outside work. I don’t have people to spend time with

Are you alone because of him? Why don’t you socialise with your colleagues?
(absolutely not judging, just trying to understand why you feel alone)

Tbh, the way you talk, (‘he slowly worked his way in’)
it sort of seems like you feel you’ve been played.

Would you be able to support yourself without him?

I suppose you've just got to tell him that you want to seperate, if that's what you really want. That you're not going to live the rest of your life that way. He's getting satisfaction from how he behaves, but he's not being good or kind to you anymore.

You will make a life for yourself away from him & won't have to waste your emotions on him

I second this.

Gay.

Sorry but that was my first thought, OP. I hope you work everything out and choose the best outcome for yourself.

x

You are basically suffering from an enormous “motherwound” where you would ordinarily be able to rely on a string inner conviction that you are worth more. If you get out of this relationship get into therapy with a strong female figure and work on building up your motherwit/instinct/self respect.

As for whether this man is abusive that is a bit of a judgement call. He is certainly a vain, spongelike, user. If you were my daughter I would have wanted you to run a mile before you got stuck with this creature.

A man who goes for someone much younger like you has shown his card.. he prefers younger. Which is grim. He will always be like this and look for even younger than yourself.

is anyone free to talk?

Sure. What’s up?

Just feeling really down. I’ve decided I need to end it, just needing help navigating how to do this?

What do you need help with? You don’t have to do everything today. Break it up into bite-sized chunks. What needs to happen first?

Of course you feel down—you wouldn’t be human if you didn’t.

Look for somewhere else to live, even temporarily, first. Then when you find it you can go there, tell him, and have some space rather than have him wanting to talk if you don't.

Yeah this sounds like a plan. That's wot i'm struggling with how would I even tell him I want to break up. Like I have no proof of anything.

You don't need proof. You don't even need to give him a reason. 'I'm not feeling this any more' is all the reason you need. Anyone can break up from anyone else at any time - no proof or excuse needed.

You know you don't need proof to break up with? You can break up at any time for any reason. You can tell him it's no longer working for you if that's easier for you.

Bless you OP. I feel for you. You really, really need to leave this man. Please try to find the courage - I can promise you it will pay off if you do.

You are young and awesome and he isn't. Remember that.

He was thinking about it all day? Does he have a job? You know something is seriously wrong. Please don’t waste your life trying to fix him.

Oh God.

That last sentence...Run for the hills.

He’s absolutely filthy and vile. You have no reason to stay with this disgusting pervert. If you had children I’d be saying get your ducks in a row. But you have 0 reason to stay. Leave him now! I wouldn’t even give the lying, cheating, dirty bastard the closure of saying why. I’d just go! Let him be an old dirty lonely pervert masturbating to his porn.

I'm going to get online and try to find somewhere to go. I don't have any relatives I can stay with. So this is my only option.

I will just need to try keep him at arms length until I can organise this. He will probably be happy i'm leaving in all honesty. Means he can do whatever he wants or whatever he already is doing

Yes do this! Put yourself first. You’re young and have your whole life ahead of you. You will find someone much better than this old pervert. Your situation sounds tough as you have no family but you can do this op. You’ll look back one day and feel disgusted with him.

Where would you like to live? Will it be a house share or on your own?

Have you got any funds to be able to move out soon?