I know him, he's changed

[Lostinmyself]

I have recently posted about my partners behaviour and lack of libido.

He was claiming not to want/need sex, but secretly using pornography and searching women on Facebook and Instagram. He also has previous for at least an emotional affair, evidence they kissed.

So the last week or so he has been acting different. His libido has reappeared. We went on a weekend break, and I found Viagra in his bag (he didn't use it whilst we were away as the minute we were back at the hotel he was snoring his head off) But since our return home he has wanted to be intimate.

Last night I got home from work and we done our usual routine, dinner tv etc. I did however notice his ipad had moved, this is the ipad he used for previous porn and speaking to other woman. He has changed his passwords after I caught him previously so I have no access. We got to bed and he was holding me closer than usual, stroking my arm, his breathing changed. I could tell he wanted something to happen.

He then put me into a position we don't do, ever. Not since the early days, it's a position in which he doesn't need to see my face, and he came quite quickly. I felt terrible afterwards, like I could have been anyone. It was like he was just using me to get off. He fell asleep quite quickly afterwards.

I could not get to sleep, I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I was awake most of the night. I knew I had to speak to him about this first thing. When he woke I asked him (not in an accusatory way) what happened last night? Was his libido back? And what had brought it on.

He told me he had been thinking about us having a threesome all day yesterday (with him and his friend, not another woman) I asked him to tell me what prompted that thought, and he basically described the scenario in his head and got very turned on again. It sounded like something from a budget porn film. It was vile. He admitted he got himself off to these thoughts yesterday. He actually used the term "spit roasting". He is in his 50's, I am in my late 30's, we have been together a long time. Why the fuck would he want to even think of me being shared with his friend.

I am now feeling totally heartbroken. His libido isn't back for me, it's back from some vile fetish he has likely watched online yesterday. I could have been anyone last night, he just had to release. Where do I go from here?

Oh and his relationship with his daughter and son is distant. He sees them when he really needs to. He doesn't overly bother with most relationships if i'm being honest.

I know he was a good dad to them when they were younger, but as adults he's a bit meh

You say you've been together a long time - how long exactly? How old were you,and how old was he?

Why on earth are you allowing him to disrespect you and treat you like an object?
He’ll just keep doing this if you stay.
Raise your standards and leave this dirty old man.

Do you have abandonment issues? Because your relationship reeks of subservience and failure to consider your own needs. You did not need to be involved with this selfish older man in the first place. Your self assurance and self esteem must have been at rock bottom to think he was a good choice.

ten plus years. I met him in mid 20's, he was in his 40's. He was recently separated due to his wife's infidelity when we met

I do. Ironically, my mum left when I was a child and then died before we ever had a relationship and my dad died around the same time. I was early twenties with no parents or real family.

Posters are saying there are no consequences for his cheating, because although you may have left him for a while, you are describing someone with no remorse and no change or transparency. He has reserved the right to continue to indulge his kinks in privacy and without consequences. Is this really okay with you? This is what you are allowing to happen to you. The way he used you sexually was despicable. I am so worried for you. This man has driven you to a state that you no longer have a grip on yourself and what's okay. Nothing about what you're describing is an okay way to treat a spouse. I am guessing you don't tell friends or family what you are going through. Please find a friend you can trust to open up to and find yourself a therapist. You need to get away from this toxic man before he destroys you.

I am sorry you lost both of your parents when you were young. Your pain is palpable.

His behaviour is already pretty gross

Do you have children? Do you want them? I'd really be considering what YOU want from life and then make plans towards that. I don't think this man should necessarily be part of that.

I don't have plans for anymore children. I don't really know what I want from life. I wanted him and I to be happy and for none of this to happen

I fully agree. It's super disgusting. But if you did see the porn he was watching i bet they are all younger then you.
It's is the rank middle age man who has no respect for women at all.
He sounds like he treats you like crap and knows you wont leave.
You are to young to stay in this situation

ten plus years. I met him in mid 20's, he was in his 40's. He was recently separated due to his wife's infidelity when we met

So not only was he a 40-something pursuing and grooming a 20-something, he knew you were vulnerable because you’d just lost your parents. Absolutely vile.

Please get rid of him and get therapy. And never get into a relationship with such an age gap again. You’re worth more than this.

There's a certain type of man who prefers women in their late teens/early 20s, because they find them (in general) more easy to manipulate and treat badly. And often because women their own age have more experience and realise they're scum. There's a certain power dynamic between older men and women of that age, and as the women get older and less likely to put up with their shit, the men lose interest because they're losing control.

Do you see him in a different light these days? He's certainly treated you badly.

Ironically the women he is looking up on SM are all older than me, nearer his age. He's just all over the place

I do see him differently. In the early years, I used to think he could do no wrong. That I was lucky to have him. He was my strong and steady. He was well about himself, we would exercise together. Have nice weekends and holidays.

Now he is getting older, he has put weight on. His mask has slipped. I'm finding myself in situations like I am now.

We have previously holidayed with this friend and his wife. I felt like he was pushing me to spend time with this man 1 on 1, without anything untowards but asking lots of questions about out conversations afterwards. Now on reflection i'm so confused.

Jesus Christ.

OP, please seek some therapy for your issues and low self esteem, and then please bin this creepy old predator who wants to get off to you being a fucktoy for his weird mate.

This is seriously disgusting.

Do you think he could be cheating on me? Is there a way I can find this out?

It's a hard one to answer as to why they can't be satisfied. I've spent way too long trying to analyse why my husband who had a wife still having sex with him lovely home, planned nights away summer holidays discussed got on well with my parents.. would shag someone who is already divorced 3 kids amd risked ot all now back living with his parents... nuts. He said he wasnt happy for ages but they all say that. If he was that unhappy he couldve just left ..I gave him the opportunity to do so loads of times but he daid he wanted to stay...

Long story abouy how I caught him but suspected for a while. Just needed evidence as he kept denying it and swore on the kods lives he wasn't so I knew I needed to catch him red handed.

He probably thought the grass was greener. Someone gave him attention and he went for it. It's the lies that are the worst thing for me and making me iut like im mad ..held me while I cried saying that I felt I was losing my mind, he blamed my medication so I changed it which made me ill. At one point I even apogised to him for accusing him!! He's sick.

Anyway..sorry for the rant.
In relation to yours hes gaslighting you. It's classic. You caught him so he turned it around on you. That's what mine tried to do but I had no real evidence other than him changing his password and suddenly taking his phone into the loo. Ohh and the amount of times he went..I even said you need to see Dr.

Yours had been caught messaging other women..not pretend.. not watching porn..actual women..and now hes changed his password. Whether he's done it yet..he's planning to.

Thanks for this. I'm so sorry this happened to you.

On reflection, looking inwards. I am more attractive than him, I am younger than him, I am patient when he isn't able to sustain an erection. I work, I do all of our life admin. I am the stronger of the two. I still turn heads wherever I go (he tells me this, I take no notice).

I feel he may be feeling vulnerable in our relationship and if there is someone giving him a little attention he will jump at the change to feel better about himself. But if this is the case AGAIN i'm gone. I would need to leave the home, but it's only bricks and mortar. I just wish I knew what was actually going on

Are you living in a house he owns? I'd make arrangements to find somewhere new. He thinks you will just put up with all this.

Yeah I gave up my home to live with him in a house he previously owned

No irony—tragedy. Stop! Drop! Roll away like you are avoiding a fire! Take a few years to figure out how to support and love yourself. You deserve so much more than this dirty old man.

What’s going on is, he’s not worth keeping.

I may have misunderstood but he turned you over, thrust a few times to satisfy the list he’d worked up thinking about his friend, then went to sleep.

I didn’t hear anything about your pleasure or indeed consent.

Some men have fantasies about seeing their wife used by someone else- like Gisele Pelicot’s husband rapist.

You aren’t a body for his use.

Get rid. And get therapy.

Similar to me. I began making strides at work have always earned more than him. I thjnk he jad a mid life crisis. He had a breakdown last summer ans I helped him through it, he went on meds then he got this confidence from the meds. By dec he was cheating.
It think weak men feel threatened by women so need to shag around to make themselves feel worthy.