I know him, he's changed

[Lostinmyself]

I have recently posted about my partners behaviour and lack of libido.

He was claiming not to want/need sex, but secretly using pornography and searching women on Facebook and Instagram. He also has previous for at least an emotional affair, evidence they kissed.

So the last week or so he has been acting different. His libido has reappeared. We went on a weekend break, and I found Viagra in his bag (he didn't use it whilst we were away as the minute we were back at the hotel he was snoring his head off) But since our return home he has wanted to be intimate.

Last night I got home from work and we done our usual routine, dinner tv etc. I did however notice his ipad had moved, this is the ipad he used for previous porn and speaking to other woman. He has changed his passwords after I caught him previously so I have no access. We got to bed and he was holding me closer than usual, stroking my arm, his breathing changed. I could tell he wanted something to happen.

He then put me into a position we don't do, ever. Not since the early days, it's a position in which he doesn't need to see my face, and he came quite quickly. I felt terrible afterwards, like I could have been anyone. It was like he was just using me to get off. He fell asleep quite quickly afterwards.

I could not get to sleep, I had a horrible feeling in my gut. I was awake most of the night. I knew I had to speak to him about this first thing. When he woke I asked him (not in an accusatory way) what happened last night? Was his libido back? And what had brought it on.

He told me he had been thinking about us having a threesome all day yesterday (with him and his friend, not another woman) I asked him to tell me what prompted that thought, and he basically described the scenario in his head and got very turned on again. It sounded like something from a budget porn film. It was vile. He admitted he got himself off to these thoughts yesterday. He actually used the term "spit roasting". He is in his 50's, I am in my late 30's, we have been together a long time. Why the fuck would he want to even think of me being shared with his friend.

I am now feeling totally heartbroken. His libido isn't back for me, it's back from some vile fetish he has likely watched online yesterday. I could have been anyone last night, he just had to release. Where do I go from here?

👏🏻I second that.
you deserve so much better.

Honestly? Cliche…. I love him. I love our home, I love how our relationship was.

he’s made shitty decisions. I want to believe they came from a place of insecurity, or alcohol fuelled.

But I remember who he was. And how much I could rely on him and how good he was for me.

sadly it seems that man is no longer here. I would do anything to have him back.

if I were to find out for definite he was cheating again I would be gone but can I work through the other stuff?

Thinking back. He also claimed when he met me he was only in a relationship with me. But reading back on the messages when I discovered OW there was an overlap with me and another woman.

I remember he distances himself from me at the beginning of the relationship and was also perusing her. The messages were pathetic but it was so long ago and we were in such an early stage and so much time had passed I just let his slide and focused on his most recent indiscretion. Have I just been a fool this entire time? I think I need to seriously think about wot he is capable of

I think I have let so many things go as I find out about them too late and ultimately he has chosen me.

but this situation is happening right now. I need to think how to act

So you got together with him after losing both your parents and maybe he filled the place of a parent replacement figure as well as a partner. But now as he ages he's realising he can't keep up with you and can't control you so looks elsewhere for his fun.

It's no way to live. Seriously, you can do so much better than this man. You're a young woman with your whole life ahead of you. Make a plan for yourself that puts you and your own happiness at the forefront. He's only looking out for himself and an easy anonymous shag.

Thanks for ur reply. How would I even go about this? He’s all I’ve known for so long.

do I ask him if he’s seeking other women again? Ask him what it is he’s looking for that I can’t provide?

he’s recently lost one of his parents and I fully supported him in everything. Organised the funeral and am a daily support for his surviving parent and him. I take on all the responsibility to make his life easier. Is he having some sort of breakdown?

You remember who he was when you were younger and weaker and needier.

Why did you get involved with a middle aged man with an ex-wife and children when you were only in your mid-20s? Why were your standards so low? Do you have self-esteem issues?

Honestly I would just walk away from this shit show, you’re too young for this. Work on building up your standards and your self respect, then re-enter the dating pool and find a more suitable partner.

I didn’t instantly get involved with him. I took time to get to know him. He had been separated years when I met him.
He was good to me, I was recovering from the loss of both parents. We used to have a wonderful time, he was kind and calm and patient.

it wasn’t low self esteem it was the same as everyone else does. Puts themselves out there in the hope of meeting someone special

Leave. He is gay or bi. Unless you are into that no reason to stay.

I’m not against age difference relationships per se (I was in one last year!), but a young, child-free woman getting involved with a middle-aged man with more baggage than Heathrow was a recipe for disaster. As PP said, age gap relationships get worse with age. You’re still only in your 30s and having to deal with all kinds of shit. Best of luck anyway.

Maybe the loss of his parent has induced his sexual crisis as he realises he's now the head of the family and getting old - who knows.

But tbf it doesn't matter whether he's shagging anyone or not really. He's not treating you well or how you deserve to be treated. His behaviour is no longer making you happy. That should be enough to motivate you to make a change.

If you had a dear friend or sibling what would you tell her to do in your position? Have you talked to friends?

I know I'd move out and create some space to think away from him. Stay with friends or rent somewhere. Let him have his seedy sex life and move forward with confidence. Staying because you're frightened and don't have confidence to change the status quo (not because he's worth staying with) is not long term thinking. Do you want to be in the same position in 5, 10, 15 years?

@Lostinmyself
do you have a job and your own money? Either way that should be a priority now. Stop supporting him family and focus on you, what do you need?

perhaps use the counselling directory to find a counsellor who can help with bereavement, and help you work out what you want in life.

you do so much for him, and maybe the old him was worth it, but the new him isn’t. You need to put yourself first - please !

www.counselling-directory.org.uk/

They don’t change, they just pretend they have.

I don’t really have any friends. I have colleagues and him.

Did you have friends in your early 20s when you met him?

I did but they are long gone. Mainly down to this relationship… and they weren’t connected to each other it wasn’t a group decision. They individually at seperate times distanced themselves due to me putting up with things I shouldn’t have and making excuses for him

I'm really glad you can see this man for who he is, and I hope saying all this out loud is helping you make a decision. You're worth so much more than this!

Writing it all down has helped. Things keep popping into my head that I’ve buried.

I just don’t know how to take the next steps. He came home from his hobby ten minutes ago and I’m laying out in the sun, and he told me how much he enjoyed “our sexy time” this morning and asked if there will be more later! I just laughed, major ick happening over here. I don’t know how to navigate this

There’s your answer.

I would assume he's lying about why his marriage broke down OP. I imagine he was the one who had the affair. I also doubt he was a great dad when his children were young. If so why does he see them rarely now. Nothing about this man adds up OP - except of course if you assume he's your garden variety pervy selfish bloke.

I've read all your responses, OP, but not everyone else's, so I'm sure this has been mentioned before a lot, but please, please, please try to get some therapy to help you work through all this with someone who is NOT your husband. I hope you find the strength to leave this man. I strongly feel he is not going to get better. Your laughing response to him talking about how much he enjoyed what happened (the act and the discussion about his friend you were rightly upset about) is very telling that you need some professional help here. I wish you all the best.

It was an awkward laugh. I don’t want to answer this laugh. A laugh which was trying to get me out of confrontation about how I feel about it and about how I don’t want anything tonight

He spotted your vulnerability and has spent a long time isolating and grooming you. A chat with Women's Aid and possibly doing the freedom programme might help you. He is abusing you.

May I ask how I’m being abused? Sorry I know he’s a shit but I genuinely would like to understand the abuse factor of it.

I am not being sarcastic in any way. I just need all the understanding I can get