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Original poster

H is away and everything is so much easier

105 replies

somucheasierwithoutyou · 13/05/2025 11:03

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

OP posts:
Bailiwitch · 13/05/2025 11:33

You’re obviously much more capable than him at life in general. I think I could tolerate that if the less useful partner brought joy - laughter, great food, constant news and entertaining opinions on books and films and places to go, a reassuring bedside presence when you’re ill … Does he not even fulfil that sort of role in your life?

Original poster
somucheasierwithoutyou · 13/05/2025 11:46

No.

And I'm not doing anything that any normal, functioning person can't learn to do fairly easily. Being able to get your kids ready to get out of the house is pretty basic. They aren't toddlers. They just need basic expectations to be enforced and they'll get ready smoothly enough. He just won't listen to any advice or help to enable him to do better. I can't forgive that. It impacts on us all.

OP posts:
sunshinesandringham · 13/05/2025 12:13

The biggest thing I learnt after my husband left - I love not feeling full of resentment. If the house is untidy- it’s my mess or the kids . It’s exhausting to have the hope and expectation that another adult will pull their weight with all of the “menial “ tasks as they see it. If that’s how it is then your life would be easier and frankly more enjoyable . Money or no money .

Cattenberg · 13/05/2025 12:31

If he doesn't work and you don't need him to help with the kids, why couldn't you afford to live without him? Does he pay his share of the rent from savings? Have you looked into which benefits you'd be entitled to if you split up?

It must be very hard and frustrating if the kids won't listen to him, so I'm not surprised he's resorted to shouting. But the situation doesn't sound very sustainable.

TouchOfSilverShampoo · 13/05/2025 12:48

He’s not working? You clearly don’t like him. If you’re covering all the bills yourself then end the relationship and ask him to move out?

it would drive me insane but you’re only going to be resentful if it continues.

S0j0urn4r · 13/05/2025 12:50

He sounds like a deadweight. Neither use nor ornament.
Not sure how you can't afford to split if he isn't working.

CombatBarbie · 13/05/2025 12:53

If he hasn't been working i assume you have been holding the family financially, unless there's a drip feed of living on savings or inheritance. If you have carried the financial load, you absolutely can survive without him.

Newname25 · 13/05/2025 12:56

I hear you. My H was away last weekend and the house was so much cleaner and chilled without him. He is also very busy but not very productive. He is working though and has been diagnosed with ADHD

Sapana · 13/05/2025 12:56

Bailiwitch · 13/05/2025 11:33

You’re obviously much more capable than him at life in general. I think I could tolerate that if the less useful partner brought joy - laughter, great food, constant news and entertaining opinions on books and films and places to go, a reassuring bedside presence when you’re ill … Does he not even fulfil that sort of role in your life?

Jesus. I am totally on OP's side as regards her husband but I don't think an incompetent person should have to be some kind of permasmiling fluttery delight for their existence to be tolerated. CONSTANT news. Fucking hell.

Sapana · 13/05/2025 12:58

Cattenberg · 13/05/2025 12:31

If he doesn't work and you don't need him to help with the kids, why couldn't you afford to live without him? Does he pay his share of the rent from savings? Have you looked into which benefits you'd be entitled to if you split up?

It must be very hard and frustrating if the kids won't listen to him, so I'm not surprised he's resorted to shouting. But the situation doesn't sound very sustainable.

Because she would have to buy him out of the house and move?

Enrichetta · 13/05/2025 13:00

so, he has been looking for work for over a year…….. what is all that about? How long has he been out of work and why is he finding it so difficult to find a job?

He needs to get back to work NOW, even if he is ‘overqualified’ or whatever other excuse he has for not working.

Once he is gainfully employed, farm out any tasks that will make your life easier - cleaner, someone to collect the children and look after them till you get home and during the holidays, etc.

And start working on a medium to long term plan to divorce. In particular, make sure you are not left financially disadvantaged, especially if you are a higher earner or have other assets or are likely to inherit at some point.

femfemlicious · 13/05/2025 13:00

S0j0urn4r · 13/05/2025 12:50

He sounds like a deadweight. Neither use nor ornament.
Not sure how you can't afford to split if he isn't working.

Because shw will have to pay him off

ThreeLegsIsPlenty · 13/05/2025 13:06

Realistically how hard has he been looking for work? What job did he do? Is he registered with any agencies? Done any temp work? If not why not? Clearly you all function without him which is really sad in a way that he isn't missed. If you are looking to divorce later then him having a job would be better for that.

MellowPinkDeer · 13/05/2025 13:07

Sapana · 13/05/2025 12:58

Because she would have to buy him out of the house and move?

Show quote history

Might even have to pay him spousal maintenance too.

Original poster
somucheasierwithoutyou · 13/05/2025 14:20

ThreeLegsIsPlenty · 13/05/2025 13:06

Realistically how hard has he been looking for work? What job did he do? Is he registered with any agencies? Done any temp work? If not why not? Clearly you all function without him which is really sad in a way that he isn't missed. If you are looking to divorce later then him having a job would be better for that.

He has been looking for work. He seems to believe 'looking for work' is an explanation as to why ' he hasn't got time' to get other stuff done that really needs to get done. Whereas normal people manage to ' look for another job' whilst they actually have a full time job.

He is only looking for the sort of work he was in before though, rather than temping to bring in some extra cash. Because he doesn't have time to temp as he is ' looking for work'. 🙄

OP posts:
MounjaroMounjaro · 13/05/2025 14:31

If you're determined to stay with him, I'd tell him to stay in the bedroom while you deal with the kids.

It sounds as though it would be better if an agency found him work rather than him looking for himself.

Does he have ADHD?

Cattenberg · 13/05/2025 17:31

Sapana · 13/05/2025 12:58

Because she would have to buy him out of the house and move?

Show quote history

But OP said she couldn't afford to buy in this area, so, I assumed they must be living in a rental property. But I could have read it wrongly.

Lickityspit · 13/05/2025 19:09

When I left my ex H my life became immeasurably better. I had all the work to do with kids but no arsehole undermining me or arguing

Orangemintcream · 13/05/2025 19:11

If you are paying all the bills how can you not afford to leave him ?

Was he previously in work up until now ?

ByCyanLurker · 13/05/2025 19:15

I would put a lot of money on this guy having ADHD and from experience I can tell you it isn't any fun living it either. Trying not to be triggered here reading what all of us ADHDers know neurotypicals think about us.

I can't tell if you have any warmth for him at all but if not just let him go. If you do, then have some compassion and help him find help. (One of the biggest jokes in the universe is how much executive function is necessary to get a diagnoses for ADHD.)

Beyondburnout · 13/05/2025 19:19

Would you consider asking him not to come back?

ChorizoDog · 13/05/2025 19:21

If he’s not working, how can you not afford to leave him?

PenguinLover24 · 13/05/2025 19:24

Not that I'm making excuses for your husband, but as soon as I read this I said ADHD. I have ADHD and it's unbelievable (and unbearable) how such "normal" tasks are impossible for us to handle. Him running around like a headless chicken looking like he's constantly busy and stressed but nothing is actually getting done I can relate to 100%. It's exhausting and soul destroying being told you're lazy and unproductive your whole life.

Spinachpastapicker · 13/05/2025 19:25

Cattenberg · 13/05/2025 17:31

But OP said she couldn't afford to buy in this area, so, I assumed they must be living in a rental property. But I could have read it wrongly.

Edited
Show quote history

I assumed she meant if they split up, sell their current marital home, take half each after mortgage paid off or whatever, she THEN wouldn’t be able to buy in her area for the kids schools.

Heylittlesongbird · 13/05/2025 19:30

I expect he is just useless, but is there any chance the kids are just behaving because it’s a novelty?