H is away and everything is so much easier

[somucheasierwithoutyou]

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

Unless you’re living in some extremely deprived area, he’s unemployed for that long because he wants to. There’s plenty of options, just maybe not the ones he’d ideally go for.

All of my gut instinct is to tell you to split from him:
He doesn’t have a job
He’s a useless parent
He looks busy but achieves nothing
He gets angry when you pick things up with him

Get rid, OP.
Sell the house, split the proceeds and rent a smaller place for you and the kids. They’ll adapt.
You’ve got a job. If you get made redundant you’ll get another job.

Make the change while there is time or you’ll wake up one day, at 60, and realise that you’ve spent decades being unhappy. Life is too short to stay with a man who contributes nothing.

Your marriage is dust. This happens when you allow contempt to sneak in and take over.

What made you fall in love with him initially? Can you try and connect to this? It sounds like you have contempt for him. It's a predictor of divorce. Sounds like you are both unhappy but for all the LTB on here, separating with kids is hard. Hard for them and hard for you. That doesn't mean it's wrong- it depends if this is recoverable and just an angry rant or if it's gone too far.

Replying with a different skew here. My husband is incredible and kids are good but spirited. Lots of disagreements etc. When either one of us is away, they always step up for the first 4-7 days. When one of us is away, we call them the von trapps (from the sound of music). Thr kids just know they can't push it I think. But it breaks down after a week or so.

Do not let this become the status quo.

If you end up divorcing in a few years because you could happily bury him under the patio when the sound of him breathing makes you stabby, he will legitimately be able to stake his position as the SAHP. You'll be working your arse off whilst he gets the the bulk of the house/pension/savings and you're paying maintenance for him to look after 2 kids at secondary school.

Actually that's a really good point. Can you perhaps pinpoint what he's good at and make all those things his job? If you remove the (natural) resentment you might be able to reconnect?

Not necessarily, she could remain in the house (which she's been paying for anyway) until the kids finish education and then buy him out. It's not an unrealistic request.

Came on here to say this about ADHD.

Any kind of women's work is seen as inherently low status, he instinctively baulks at it and is irritated by the fact of having to engage with something which he feels is beneath him. I'd say that's a big part of why he is not efficient.
Not saying it's a deliberate strategy, more a following of impulses.

Could he have ADHD, OP? Sounds a lot like my ex and he was recently diagnosed with it.

We watched the Chris Packham programme last night about having ADHD and how it manifests itself. The points made fitted my DH to a T. A very intelligent man who could not organise himself out of any situation, finds it impossible to prioritise anything, is constantly worrying about things he wants to do and is keeping so many balls in the air he ends up doing nothing. He will do things around the house but if more than an hour has passed he's forgotten. He is so absent minded and spends many hour searching fir things he's 'lost' but having watched that programme last night he now realises it's not him. Support with coping strategies is all you can do really.

I was lucky to have the most amazing GP. Been with him for over ten years and he looked after me through very difficult pregnancies. After I had my third baby, he said, “You’ve got four children now”, because he had got to know my husband. He was of course absolutely right. Suffice to say, it didn’t work out, and I divorced the extra baby, and it became immeasurably and immediately better. Follow your gut OP. I wish you well x

If he’s not working, why can’t you afford to leave him? I don’t understand.

Gosh, the tone of contempt you use when speaking about your husband OP - it’s hard to imagine you going on much longer living like this.

This was depressing to read!

You don’t like him very much - Does he like you?

Are your children aware? I’m guessing they must be

I hope that writing it here gives you the resolve to make the changes your family needs.

Remember, everyone in the family is equally important as each other, and the parent’s happiness levels effect kids greatly…

Since you don't plan to leave him for now anyway, I suggest some type of counseling, either marital or just for him. When I read your posts, it struck me that he sounds mentally ill (and you sound exhausted with it all).

I also thought ADHD but I also thought, the kids are probably behaving for you because it’s a novelty this week.
I remember once I was really tired on maternity leave and my husband had a week off work and I came home the first evening after being out and he had done everything better then me and the toddler was happily painting pictures, they were having a great time. I really felt like shit.
But by day 5 he nearly had a bald patch and was fit for the bin.
The exhaustion of the day to day grind can get to you with small kids.

Maybe your husband will come back renewed too after the break?. He does need to get a job though.

The interesting thing is that nearly everyone I personally know feels this way when their husband is away, regardless of their family set up or how much they love or don't love their spouses. Somehow things are more casual with them away, less clean-up, less formal meals, etc. I can't pinpoint what it is, but I understand the feeling and each time it makes me question my life and I usually feel annoyed with DH for several days upon his return even though I know it's not exactly fair. He's not messy, but he does have stuff, of course, and somehow the energy changes when he's back and life is simply not as easy as when he's gone and I'm parenting on my own.

In your situation, I wouldn't take away his task of helping with the kids as I imagine that if you are doing it while he is there and underfoot, it will not be quite as smooth as it's been with him gone, plus it may add to resentment. He obviously needs a job, but you already know that. As for how he spends his time all day, it's clearly not helping out domestically if things are easier without him around. I'd analyze the situation closely and figure out where he can add value while he's unemployed.

I wonder what the responses would be if this was a husband writing about his wife?

All the ADHD sayers - I left a husband like this, and I am the one with ADHD. He was just a lazy git, whereas I am the person who struggles with organisation and executive function. Yet I managed to bring up five kids as a single parent, pay the bills and look after everything in the house, while he paddled about in his high powered job which somehow meant that he couldn't lift a single finger to help me.

It's not always ADHD that's to blame.

Another one that has ADHD, and don’t suspect this is undiagnosed ADHD. Maybe depression if I am being kind.

my oh is away and it’s bliss so far 😊

This!!! I too thought ADHD as soon as you described being busy but getting nothing done.

i have a diagnosis and a 3 year old. I get us out of the house in the morning but by god it’s hard on me.

I think it makes sense, having a useless DP who doesn’t contribute in anyway is pointless. Get rid. Unless of course they are fun to be around, and you enjoy their company, then they might be worth keeping around, if they’re not then she should leave him. She’s not suggesting she kill him and all other useless people. Just that she doesn’t need to stay married to one

OP he sounds awful.
You'll soon start resenting him, big time, when he gets back.

I think it sounds like you need to separate.

I read your post and instantly thought ADHD. Seems like other people thought that, too.