H is away and everything is so much easier

[somucheasierwithoutyou]

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

If he's not working then I'm assuming you're paying for everything? Then yes you can afford to split. Go through the numbers and make it work, if you need help getting the kids to/from school ask for help from family, friends or other school mums?
He is taking you for an absolute mug.

"I really am getting nothing positive from his existence"
Says it all really OP
My life was easier when ex left. Exactly what you said. Calmer, no drama. I made all the decisions alone in teenage years . He would have been a mare
God I hope at least he cooks while he is not working

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area.

But haven’t you been paying all the bills for a year? Do you really need him?

Would you be entitled to benefits as a single parent?

Does sound very much like undiagnosed ADHD. Always busy but not productive and not being able to get his head around things that most people find straightforward and basic, trouble with routine, lack of patience are textbook adult symptoms. Tasks like searching for jobs can also be so heavy they take up the entire day's worth of energy for very little result. Lots of energy spent in unproductive ways (e.g. I can spend three hours cleaning every lightswitch while ignoring the dishwasher that needs emptying and the living room that is like a bomb site. Or spend so long researching a company that I miss the application deadline).

Basically the bits of the brain that organise action into some kind of useful order don't talk to the rest of it properly so prioritisation exists on some totally different metric (usually - what I can see, what is bothering me, that one thing with the REALLY important deadline + consequence which is looming, and the current hyperfocus or new random idea that just popped into my head).

You must have liked him at some point - if he could bring together the busyness and DIY skills into something useful would it be more worth saving? It might be worth him looking into assessment/medication if so. OTOH not saying anyone has to stay in a relationship they are unhappy in, no matter what the reason for someone behaving that way is.

I will probably hide the thread because as others have pointed out, it's horrible to see a clear description of myself and everyone responding with things like "useless" "lazy" "arsehole" and I'm sure people will be along soon to insist ADHD is "an excuse". But thought I would leave this and run anyway.

Ugh. My exH could have been described just like yours... I'm sure you know where this post is going!

I found it easier, as a lone seriously disabled person with four neurodiverse kids, to spend a month 6000 miles away from him. Genuinely, it made my mind up for me. It was the catalyst for not accepting less all the fucking time.

Of course it's impossible to leave... I didn't even read your reasons why... But it's also impossible to stay. Really let that sink in. It hurts.

But now, it's hard, it was and is hard and it always will be, but I am free in so many ways I didn't even anticipate. This is my one singular short life. Really examine what you want for your life.

Another one here who thinks he might have ADHD as I have it and he sounds like me.

The whole "being constantly busy but not accomplishing anything" sounds exactly like me lol. And not being able to temp while looking for work as well, as when we have to juggle multiple tasks our brain simply gets overwhelmed.

It's worth looking into as maybe a diagnosis and meds will help. Good luck op, it must be so hard to feel like the only adult in a relationship.

It’s pretty common for kids to play up for one parent and not the other or for other adults.

Yep I hear you.

me and my DH divided up the household responsibilities. He paid for the cleaner and I did everything with the kids because he was similar.

reallocate household responsibilities.

To add, I get the potential ADHD angle (you have no idea how much I get it 😅) BUT being a shitty angry person isn't intrinsic to that...

But crucially, it's his job to sort that, get diagnosis, get treated. It is NOT even more wifework , a woman's job to fucking sort it. I sort myself out and do you know why? Because otherwise it shits up my kids lives. If he can't or won't sort it, then... There's the answer.

What difference would it make to how you feel about the situation, OP, if your DH did have ADHD?

I am awaiting an assessment and a lot of what you've said about your DH does strike a chord with me. That said, having some degree of joy, tranquillity and order in my children's lives is an absolute priority for me and so I've developed various coping mechanisms to try to deal with the stressful moments. I'm not prepared to put up with having a constantly stressful family life so have "workarounds". Sometimes everything goes to pot anyway, but much less than it would otherwise.

Ironically, if I have a very stressful day ahead of me, it really helps me to have a half-glass of wine in the morning. It relaxes my brain and slows me down a bit, which gets rid of the noise and enables me to focus better. Not relevant to your situation, but I find this interesting.

My tuppence-worth is that he needs to get a job, any job - cafe, supermarket, whatever. Structure and movement would probably be hugely beneficial for him.

It's difficult to say how much you should be willing to put up with. Ultimately his issues are not your problem to solve - only he can improve things.

@somucheasierwithoutyou Unfortunately OP, some people continue to work "harder" instead of working "smarter" - doing the latter generally enables you to achieve more with less effort. Unfortunately, your DH seems to be one of the "work harder" people. 🙄 Could you write a summary of how you organise the morning routine, how he does, and then identify the gaps between your two approaches so you can discuss this with him and he can actually see the difference?

But why should she have to do all the work? All the thinking? All the one sided problem solving? He would only take it the wrong way and see it as criticism and waste another twelve years not improving himself.

And he gets the kids

He's not her employee or OP managing a performance review in a work context

this? I mean is the sex mindblowing? does he cook like James Martin? What?

Whenever my husband is away with work or visiting relatives, the house and daily routine with the kids is so much easier, calmer and runs like clockwork!

FFS I have ADHD and manage to parent my children fine, even though they are also ASD/ADHD.

OP, could it possibly be that DH now has some level of clinical depression related to losing his job and the inability to find another? There are job seekers programmes run to help men like him (my BFF used to run them, everyone from bankers through to construction workers attended), to help with self esteem, redrafting CVs, polish interview techniques etc.

It may be that when you are trying to be helpful, he is simply hearing criticism because his self-esteem is at rock bottom.

Before you hit the nuclear option, I would talk to him on an empathetic level - say that you understand things are hard but would some professional careers counselling/coaching help? Perhaps he could also speak to his GP in case some more general counselling and/or medication might help?

You are kidding, right? He will obviously claim maintenance!

Tell him to get back to work or get out … he’s in the way and needs to be bringing in a wage to justify being there!

She didn't say he was a shitty angry person though?

The only two mentions of anger are mornings where he gets stressed out, won't (can't?) follow helpful parenting strategies like having a routine so ends up ranting and raving at the DC instead - I don't think that's anger, I think that's terrible time management, disorganisation and associated panic. It's not GOOD parenting but it doesn't mean he's being a shitty angry person.

And that when asked to do things he "angrily cries" that he doesn't have time, again could be more of a stress response or panic or genuinely feeling he is unable to manage it.

I do think people who are struggling tend to come across as unreasonable and irrational and whether it seems understandable or not to struggle in this manner, it seems quite possible to me that he is struggling rather than performing some kind of strategic incompetence.

I've defo read threads on here where I've seen people say the DH has ADHD - but he also sounds like an absolute arsehole, it's not like ADHD makes you a wonderful person in all other respects, you can be both. I don't get that vibe from this thread, OP does sound fed up and like she's mentally checked out of the relationship, but I did not get the sense she thinks he is a shitty person, more of an inconvenience.

I had one of those, happily divorced for 8 years now. Life suddenly got considerably easier, the children both made comments about it too. Get some legal advice and move on to your better life.

As leaving isn’t an option you should just take on the job yourself. Tell him he should concentrate on how busy he is looking for work and you can sort the kids.

Go and see a good Solicitor and spend £500 having a chat with them to see if there’s a way around you staying in the house until the children are 18 with a Meshers order.

Obviously, you’ll still have to pay him his share eventually. But there are clever ways of making this work for you so that you can lose 15 stone of uselessness and actually live your life happily for the rest of your children’s childhood.

Well how else should OP approach this? She wrote "He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate" but she doesn't say how this advice is given - if it's a shouted conversation in the middle of the morning routine going horribly wrong then small wonder he's not taking it on board. Everyone has a preferred learning style and maybe she just hasn't landed on his? I don't see the harm in suggesting another way of getting him to understand how he could cope better without causing so much disruption in the household.
Or maybe he's irredeemably useless, totally untrainable and OP should just divorce him. 🤔

You need to first decide what you want. Do you actually love him and want a future with him?

Unless I am misunderstanding, your post reads like you have given up on him because all attempts to support him or encourage him have failed due to refusal to engage.

If you are done, then best answer is just to take over the kid tasks yourself and insist that he gets any job whatsoever to get some routine and money coming in.

Then divorce him. You want the kids old enough that their wishes about who to live with would be taken into account and that he's at least minimally supporting himself so that you don't lose any pension or assets you have.

If you want him to fix things, the answer looks pretty much the same. Give up on the non existent replacement job hunt, swallow pride, take any job and get some self respect back.

He's not behaving well but in his defence there may be mitigating factors in play - depression, ADHD, whatever. Either way, snapping out of this toxic mess is likely to be good for him, and that means work.

He can't just demand you support him forever, it's a luxury most unemployed people don't have and he is taking the piss.