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Original poster

H is away and everything is so much easier

105 replies

somucheasierwithoutyou · 13/05/2025 11:03

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

OP posts:
Lesleyann25 · 14/05/2025 07:54

somucheasierwithoutyou · 13/05/2025 11:03

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

Nothing more of a turn off than a useless man. Im better off without my child’s father he was utterly useless and selfish

superplumb · 14/05/2025 08:20

somucheasierwithoutyou · 13/05/2025 11:03

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

I found that too. Kicked my ex out after he was cheatinf and although its hard emotionally physically I'm still doing it all. Ex always seemed busy but no achieving much.
No more walking on eggs shells or stress in the house. Only thing I don't like is thr bathroom cleans and cutting the grass..that's pretty much all he did...no more feeling like I need to put out to stop him getting grumpy...althoigh I still need even up to his affair.

RosesAndHellebores · 14/05/2025 08:23

I think you need to separate two issues here @somucheasierwithoutyou . Whether you still love and respect your DH and want to be with him and what It's like when he isn't there.

I have never been able to criticise my DH, except for the workaholism. However the year he spent more time in NY than in the UK was easier because there was one less to look after. It was also more child centred. They were about 9 and 12. Having said that, I did everything at home anyway and with a full-time job. DH was out from 7ish until 9.30ish.

It would have been harder if the DC had had the insecurity of knowing their parents were separating rather than daddy being away and coming home Thurs to Sunday/Monday every two to three weeks.

MikeRafone · 14/05/2025 14:26

Other than H's DIY ability,

why doesn't he set himself up as an odd job man? small things that are not difficult to do but he could charge a decent rate for doing a mornings work and perhaps do 2 or 3 jobs for people

putting up shelves, sorting a sticking door, etc

Jacarandill · 14/05/2025 23:09

OP hasn’t said how long he’s been away. If it’s only a day or two then that’s quite different to doing it all the time AND managing a home AND all the emotional and mental load AND dealing with stuff when things go wrong.

If she was doing it alone full time I suspect she’d find it a lot harder.

She also really doesn’t seem to like or respect her husband at all so tbh she’d be better off leaving him.

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