H is away and everything is so much easier

[somucheasierwithoutyou]

I work full time and he has been looking for work for over a year.

He has been dealing with the kids in the morning and after school. This leads to conflict daily. He ignores all advice I give him on how to better handle the kids so that they co-operate. He has no authority basically. None. They run rings around him whilst he rants and raves. I've encouraged him to get the kids into a routine, as this will make things easier, but he never does. Our eldest is 12 and he is clearly never going to learn how to parent being as he hasn't so far.

He's away at the moment. Its so much easier. I am doing everything he does as well as what I usually do and its no bother. The kids are being great and co-operating, and, with just a bit of a push, are doing what I ask to help out. The house is being kept cleaner. The kids are getting into more of a routine. And, bliss, everything and everyone is calmer. We are all getting along great.

H always seems to be busy yet remains remarkably unproductive. Any attempts to get him to do an additional tasks are met with angry cries of how he does not have time ( despite not having a job). He's not lazy. He always seems to be doing something. I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is, whilst always appearing to be doing something. Having added in what he does around the house and with the kids to my days and not finding is problematic at all, I cannot understand why he finds it so hard.

I wish I could afford to leave him, but there is no way I would move the kids from the schools they have settled in (there are specific reasons for this I will not go into) and I could not afford to buy in this area. There are other barriers such as job insecurity where I am and so on. Other than H's DIY ability, I really am getting nothing positive from his existence.

I am stunned at how useless he is. Him being away has just really brought that home.

I am actually thinking of taking away his 'task' of dealing with the kids before and after school. Its not that hard to do and things are calmer and better for me and the kids if I do, as I have learnt since he's been away.

Not going anywhere with this. Just wanted to write it down. Better get back to work.

Yes, I agree.

When DH ended up out of work for a year, after six months he found a local job in a shop to bring in some money. And that was even before we had kids.

Often temp work can lead to a full-time role if your good enough so he really shouldn't rule that out.

I don’t have kids and love my DW, we’re both female, but sometimes when she was away just not having to consider a whole other person, their wants and wishes, life just becomes simpler.

l don’t need to do the what do you fancy for dinner tango, of what do you want to watch on tv scroll. You just make decisions. When my wife is here I am constantly considering two people when I make a decision - so is she. And we’re both in decisive. So while I miss my wife, I enjoy time alone (doesn’t happen often) just because I only have to make decisions for myself. My guess is even with kids, it’s just so much more straightforward to be the sole decision maker and know that it’s all on you, rather than doing a little jig with someone else. Might be wrong for other people’s perspective, but that’s deffo why I enjoy being in my own occasionally

He needs to start earning again. This is the only way to bring some sort of equilibrium back. Tell him to get a job, or to leave.

How long has he been away for? Everyone finds it easier to get the kids ready when it's 1 day or 2 as it's a novelty.

I really can't understand how it is possible to be as unproductive as he is

Have you heard of strategic incompetence?

This is strategic scheduling. He's not busy. He's just pissing about and making a good show of it.

I found it easier, as a lone seriously disabled person with four neurodiverse kids, to spend a month 6000 miles away from him

😮

I know it's (too) easy for me to say this, and before I seriously said it to you I'd need more info, but on the basis of what I'm reading, MOVE ON!
I really can't see from what you say that he is contributing anything to your life.

Can’t bear to read all the ‘oh the poor man clearly has ADHD, can’t you support him through this / get him help? Is he not a human being worthy of love, or are you just an ableist monster?’ comments.

I have ADHD.

I didn’t have a wife, or equivalent service animal, to run the household and work full-time while also showing me endless compassion and finding me the right support and diagnosis to get me on my feet and functional.

I recognised I was struggling inordinately with basic things, and that this made me an unreliable and problematic employee / partner / friend. I wanted to change this, to the best of my ability. I got myself an assessment, I tried several medications before I found something that helped.

NGL, it took years and was a massive fucking faff.

But it was very important to me not to spend my days struggling ineffectually with life, and I desperately didn’t want to be one of those endlessly self-pitying, hyper-dependent people in total denial about their effect on others - who can’t bear to be told that they aren’t pulling their own weight, and get all victimmy and defensive and tearful any time anyone expresses frustration with them. I didn’t want to be a person who needed to be managed.

I didn’t have a spouse who was willing to carry me through life and do all the things I found hard / boring, and I wasn’t prepared to let my DC suffer for something I could potentially improve in myself.

Having ADHD might mean a person is useless at the tasks of daily life - but it doesn’t necessarily mean they’re completely incapable of taking some basic measure of adult accountability for the things they can / can’t do, and trying their damndest to get whatever they need in order to do better. THAT part is a choice.

My DH often tells me I'm like his 4th child, the way he micromanages me and our lives. I'm pretty sure i have undiagnosed ADHD, and while I totally understand his POV and how frustrating it must be, it's definitely something I don't do deliberately nor do I think is something he should criticise me so much for. In the whole 21 years hes known me, I haven't changed.

As my DM says, I was lucky to survive being weaned off heroin after being born 3 months prematurely. So possibly I have a kind of excuse for my brain not working (and a head injury and post concussion syndrome).

OP, I'm very sympathetic to how you must find it so much better when your DH isn't there, but remember if he has ADHD, it's classic symptoms that can't be helped . All the disorder disorganisation, no concept of time, forgetting appointments, never being able to prioritise anything... it eats away at confidence and isn't really something that people just become better at.

I'd just sit him down when he gets back and tell him all this and then try and work out what you can accept or won't. I'd also sit my kids down with your DH and tell them to stop being little shits around their Dad. Or are they just bouncing off your words and energy anyway?

The interesting thing is that nearly everyone I personally know feels this way when their husband is away

In all respects other than financial, marriage inherently benefits men more than women.

Why does everyone need a label? It's like a herd mentality, assuming every other person must have ADHD.
Maybe getting kids ready for school isn't his thing. Just as I assume, DiY isn't OP's. Though why he doesn't utilise his talents and work for himself I don't know.

It’s not that hard if you work at it. I have ADHD so need my kids 13 and 9 to get themselves sorted. We have to leave at 7:10.
Sports bags have to be packed the night before . They are worken 6:40. I shout a 10 minute warning at 7 . They get breakfast and dress while I sort myself out.
Shoes Blazer Bags are always kept in a set place.
The consequences of not being ready are huge ( missed buses, mum driving an hour extra and being late for work) so my kids play ball.
Your DH needs to implement routine and discipline.

My husband has ADHD traits, and will confess to procrastination and generally rubbish at organising his time. Our daughter is currently waiting for an assessment for ADHD, they are both dyslexic as is his mother and two other siblings. It certainly runs in families looking at this pattern.

I’ve accepted that he isn’t organised like myself, but he does work. We all have our strengths and weaknesses, I suppose it all depends on whether you resent this and no longer respect or love that person.

Same here. I left my husband and my life was easier not harder.

he worked part time but never seemed to do much on his days off, despite telling me he was busy doing xyz. Everything was stressful for him. FWIW like a previous poster he has also since been diagnosed with ADHD!

(also totally agree with the mess is mine or kids (75% of the mess went with him but one of my DD is probably ADHD so I’ve got a lot of it back as she has grown up 🤣)

When my dad went away for work and I was maybe 16 or so, Mum’s & my days were very smooth.
Get up, drink coffee, get ready, both off to school (she taught), then home.
Then we got to decide what we wanted to eat for dinner instead of meat & potatoes and the world of tv was open to us.
It was like being on vacation.

You speak about him as if you are his line manager. Presumably you loved the guy enough to marry him and have kids with him. It sounds like he is going through a rough patch. I would explore ways to help him get a job.

My husband is a reasonably good egg and does his share of things (not 50:50 as I work PT to his FT so I do the lions share of the housework, cooking and school runs, but we share equally the evening running children about, clearing up etc). However I still find that side of stuff easier when he’s away. I think maybe because he’s the messiest of us all, so I’m not having to tidy away his things all the time (the kids are 11 & 13 so just get on with stuff and maybe need reminding once or twice to do their chores). Also the children are more helpful when he’s away, offering to do extra things, maybe because they are old enough to understand I have more on my plate? And things seem more harmonious, one parent consistently parenting rather than two slightly different styles of parenting, leads to more harmony I guess. However we miss him, he’s a lot of fun, a wonderful support and obviously in our house he is also the main breadwinner, although not by much.

Your DH sounds like a bit of a waste of space - I’m job hunting currently whilst working and doing all my normal ‘life’ things. Surely he could take any job for now to earn a bit of money and do it PT around looking for proper work?

How long has he been away OP?

I have ADHD so need my kids 13 and 9 to get themselves sorted.

Why?

You can say ADHD all you like - but as an adult, that's had it for their entire life, you need coping mechanisms.

My coping mechanisms are the routines. My kids have (well, had, they can tell the time now, so we just have a schedule) alarms going off in the morning for when to get dressed, put their shoes and socks on etc.

We have getting in from school routine where pe kits/shoes/schoolbags get put where they belong

We have bedtime routines so that everything happens on time.

I have 'close the house up' routines before I go to bed, weekly routines for the washing, meals etc.

The routines stop you having to think. That's what they are for. My ex also didn't do this stuff - I had to remind him to put them to bed every single day, and it wasn't because of ADHD or anything else, it was because he was lazy, and didn't think it was important enough to spend his time on to train the kids to do whatever needed to be done. As a result, I suffered as I had to pick up the pieces. That is not a problem now he's not around.

Belligerent father.
Unemployed for a year (sorry but sooner or later that is a choice).
Useless around the house unless it involves a hammer or screwdriver.

MN "maybe all this shitty behaviour is not his fault".

We just need the "flirting with the newly divorced friend/neighbour/ex collegue" for a full bingo card of LTB.

I think it's really good for kids to get themselves up and ready. Especially if they are likely to be ND. It takes us ND people longer to learn some life skills!
I have 4 kids and they have all been able to get themselves breakfast, make their own pack lunches and out the door by year 5 with minimal support. 3 of them have ADHD (as do I) and find it harder than most. Rather than do it all for them (as my mum did for me) we decided to teach them to do it themselves.

I agree with those posters.

My life is easier when he is away, but apparently his is also easier if I am gone.
Me butting in with my ideas about how he should do things doesn't work well for us.

So I wouldn't presume things easier without him = he is useless. One captain on a ship is often easier.