May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I've been NC with narc mother for 7 years. Today is her birthday. Growing up, my birthday was her opportunity to show me how not special I was (taking away gifts I received from others, only giving me one gift despite means, etc, never the gift I wanted, of course) and as an adult it doesn't even cross my mind to think about celebrating one of my own birthdays as they make me uncomfortable and because I guess I still don't feel like I deserve one, but every one of HER birthdays....well!

She expects the red carpet and even then, she will say it's not red enough. Every gift she is given is returned because it wasn't good enough or she didn't like it. As a child I was so desperate to give her a gift she would actually like enough to keep--that never happened. Funny enough, the ONLY gift that she ever liked and kept was the final birthday gift I gave her before going no contact!

As an adult, my enabling father made me take on the burden of handling her birthdays because he was so afraid of not living up to her expectations--but this just added to him yet again making her feelings my responsibility but also, yet again allowed him to use me as his shield to avoid her wrath. Despite having my own family, career, pets, stress, I had to be in charge of her cake, her gift buying, and then think of gifts not just from me but from MY FATHER, as he handed me money and begged me to buy her "something she would like." Each of her birthdays was the same. Pinched lips, silence, sometimes silent treatments afterward. She didn't care that my husband and child and I gave up our day to celebrate with her. Enabling father was always a tense wreck, grinning ear to ear with fear in his eyes....

I have walked away from all of that. I am free. Today is a day that I can enjoy with my DH and DC and my dogs, one where I can focus on my work and my life, one where I am not expected to try to please a woman who is determined to be miserable and drag everyone else down with her.

I've had to do a LOT of work over the years to understand my father's role in all of this, and his unwavering devotion to a woman who abused him and both of their children every day of our lives. He will never run out of excuses for her, and he has stood by her and lost both his children and his grandchildren.

He can now buy her the cake. He can wring his hands shopping for something that might live up to her ridiculous expectations. He can feel her wrath, because I am no longer going to take the abuse for it.

Today is my narc mother's birthday and it's only been in the more recent years since going NC that I can actually celebrate it. Today is a good day!

@MyLittleNest
Thats brilliant
what a lovely ending to a horrific’ story.
I hope you’re so proud of yourself , you have done so well.
I hope you’re realise what a strong woman you are and see just how far you’ve come.
Total inspiration- Respect.
Enjoy your day.

Hi @MyLittleNest I wondered where your story was going until you said 'I am free'. Congratulations!

@MyLittleNest thankyou for sharing this uplifting story. Your experience is just appalling and unforgivable. You have broken through and that must feel wonderful.

It's difficult with the flying monkeys. It isn't always easy to know who is also personality disordered or who is being exploited and naive. Either way they're no good for us in this position. Your dad had choices and still does. He will have to lie in that bed which I would never envy.

@MyLittleNest Your story is very inspiring. The last paragraph I could feel the weight lifted. Congratulations on your freedom and Happy 16th of May!

I'm not sure if I've misunderstood this comment but it's possible you do know people like us in real life. You seem nice and if I lived nearby I'd happily be friends with you. But I wouldn't be there to listen to your problems every time you had a bad day (because there'd be too many of those and it'd be too much) as well as being there for other friends bad days and dealing with my own. I have lots of boundaries now, having attracted needy people who want to offload onto me all my life.

So I'd maybe look like one of those who doesn't care, on the surface of it. Happy to hang out and have fun but with a very limited listening ear, even though I do care.

So it's possible you do have people who would listen and support occasionally and you just don't realise it. This assumes you have friends/acquaintances of course, since yours and DPs family are problematic so you'll get no support there. If you have got friends, try leaning on some of them now and then, just a bit, and see what response you get. They might surprise you.

I find what I can lack is people who truly understand, because if they've not experienced narcissistic abuse at all then it's a situation outside of their knowledge and understanding. Sometimes though that can be helpful. I've had reactions from people where I've disclosed something that's happened and straight off without even blinking the friend has looked horrified and said they'd never speak to my problematic person again. Over that one incident. That's actually been helpful to see how someone with solid boundaries reacts. I find just knowing someone cares even if they don't fully understand and can't change anything, helps.

One thing I've noticed though is that due to my empathetic nature I can end up surrounded with the types of people who always want something from me taking up all my time and energy, leaving me none for those more sane/solid/easygoing friends who don't want a piece of me, just my company. That's why I have strong boundaries now around what support I give to people in long-term difficult situations. So I say if you've got some friends but they're emotional vampires and all sucking you dry, however much they may not mean to, then you could benefit from making some new ones even though you feel you've got no time. If you're in this situation you do have time, you just need to take it back from the needy ones and deploy it elsewhere. Which is ok to do because it's your life too. There's value in having decent drama-free people to spend time with, even if you're not discussing your problems with them, because I find it kind of resets me to normality a bit just by being around them.

@SamAndAnnie Im not like this in RL at all. I’m like this on here and here only. What I meant is I don’t know many spiritual nature loving simple folk.

Hello

I have not read this thread for years but it brought great comfort to me around 13 years ago, when my child was tiny and I was struggling with the stark disparity between how I mothered him, and how I myself was mothered.

In the intervening years things have been fine on a surface level with my parents but I do keep them at arms length and they really do not know who I am underneath my mask - I was diagnosed with autism later in life and they do not know this.

Just lately I have been really struggling with reflecting on my life choices and seeing peers around me thriving, with large pensions, ( I don't even have one ) family help in abundance (large deposits gifted years ago meaning mortgages now cleared, holidays gifted, etc etc)

My parents are extremely comfortable but have never helped myself or my sibling despite us both having a quality of life significantly worse than them. They are the generation of tiny mortgages, gold plated pensions, multiple holidays a year etc.

Due to my undiagnosed neurodivergence I have had a very difficult life and literally no self esteem, with huge mental health issues. I appear now to be looking outward to blame someone (them?!) for this misfortune and just would dearly love to have been prioritised by them, for them to share their wealth because they can/because they love us. But they don't, and they won't.

I know that I am the answer to my woes and cannot expect them to change but it hurts so much. I always have defended them but my husband has been saying lately that I really am entitled to feel disappointed as they have not and do not show parental love. I am feeling very confused and lost to be honest so thought some wise Mumsnetters here may be able to help. Not really sure I've made much sense.

My heart goes out to you. It's so difficult to see other people have emotional or physical support from their parents when we have been left to flail--or worse.

If it makes you feel any better, with narc or toxic parents, any "gift" that they might have given you in terms of money would have come with more strings than it would have been worth.

There was a long period of time in my adulthood where the only thing I got out of my parents was in the form of gifts, and I took them because it was all I ever got from them. (I was never given anything growing up, despite their means, and it was like they willfully deprived me instead.) I think they knew that I was nearing the point of walking away from them and in a desperate move to hold on to me, they started giving us some elaborate gifts, like a car when we were living in the city and considering the suburbs, and then later, a holiday. I happily took these things because I had to give them so much of my sanity and time and special moments, and I never got any love or kindness in return, so if this was all I was getting from the relationship, okay then!

But wow, did they lord that over me and they still use it to point out to people how they bought me a car and then paid for a holiday. That justified them treating me like a punching bag and, in their eyes, indebted me to them. Trust them, I was already giving them more than 100%, while being mistreated the entire time, and then any gift they started being a reason for them to point it out and ask for more.

Near the end of the relationship, everything they tried to give me, I handed back. This made them all but thrust it at me. There was a huge squabble over a holiday my DH and I had planned that they suddenly insisted they would pay for--and control. When I said, thank you but we will pay for it ourselves as planned, my narc mother went quite literally crazy.

Any monetary gift or help from them would just be a form of control.

@wallowingbrook I am sorry you too have to deal with these beasts. I believe your parents, probably your mum leading, intentionally do or say things that remind you how wealthy they are. I believe signs will be planted to make you feel this way. So this is why it's good if you can distance from them even more than you are doing? You might not realise how much they've been doing this subconsciously to trigger this current state of mind.

I now see that these people would even do something like purposely leave a leaflet out about an expensive holiday just to bait you. So is there space here and can you cut the contact down further?

It's very difficult to trust siblings. That's what these parents cause:; division. Sadly, you might need to think about the level of detail and emotions you share with siblings in this subject of finances.

I cannot recommend enough the strength and validation in listening to experts. I literally spend hours watching videos and talks when I've experienced a forceful manipulation attack I had not seen coming or realised I was in.

Mel Robbins, Dr Ramani. They will help you understand the psychology. Everyone says how pathetic and dead inside they become, especially the older ones like your mum. All those holidays mean nothing. They are pathetic people .

You would find true validation in seeking out voices ( online or therapy) who resonate. You feel less isolated, like you have this army of like minded people around you.

They have nothing but their wallets. They can bloody keep it. I think it's helpful to mentally prepare to let go of any money from them or inheritance. That's the ultimate power in old age the beasts hold over you/ us.

I imagine you have wonderful strengths and creative talents and capabilities that you might try tap into more.

@MyLittleNest my mum would get enraged when I started refusing gifts and money thrown on me. It is nothing but power and control. It's pathetic.

I live in charity shop clothes and Housing Association. I could not be more materially fulfilled. It means absolutely nothing and the strength in saying no thanks is immense.

Oh I see. I know plenty but I don't know where you find them TBH. I seem to just bump into them here and there. Maybe you don't have the right hobbies to meet them? Your town must have some people like this, unless it's an uncommon way of being where you are? I've never really thought about it before, just assumed people like that were everywhere because I keep meeting them, but I've only lived in three places so perhaps it's not universal.

What is it with the money?! Mine is currently using it to fish for information. Do I need money for XYZ or ABC? If they want to gift me money they can decide an amount and just transfer it like they do at Christmas. But unless I provide some information, I guess I won't be getting any! The inheritance thing is odd too. I can't imagine many of them would have piles of people lining up to be carers in old age, due to the way they treat people. So a care home at some point seems more likely and then there won't be any inheritance. Maybe they haven't thought of this aspect of life when they dangle inheritance over our heads as a carrot to keep going.

@SamAndAnnie I think perhaps it’s been because of me and my preoccupation to control my situation. I’ve been living in my head a lot, with my childhood then my ex husband and my daughter. I’ve had this notion I’ve recently picked up on that I just want someone to be proud of me. Nobody is proud or has said it to me and I’ve been down never getting it. I’ve got to let go of it all and get out of my head. I bet they are out there if I stop navel gazing.

It’s hard raising a family and raising yourself with no village.

Interesting you mention needing someone to be proud of you …….completely understand.
I found that it is possible ti learn how to ‘mother’ yourself.
So I often tell myself ‘I’m proud of you Tammy. Well Done!’ - especially if I’ve done something a bit difficult.
It’s not an over night fix , but I’m consistent .
You can reprogram your inner monologue.

This goes so against the grain - but the only way you will start mothering yourself is through moments of solitude. Every human takes from us in some way as relationships are all transactional. Yes they are. No one is altruistic in reallity.

Your daughter is difficult ( I have one too, no shame here, it's truth). So in the presence of your daughter who repeats behaviours or reminds you of things abusive people say or have said, you will not be able to tap into that part of you that says ' you are amazing and here are all your strengths '.

Can you find a photo of you as a child and put it somewhere safe and you start telling that photo how god damn amazing she is.

You've been brainwashed your whole life and you will only start listening and believing to yourself with no external voices constantly undermining and triggering you.

Don't feel ashamed. Don't feel guilty. Your daughter has a difficult temperament that she was born with. My son does. I realised through my body and it's strong reactions that I must make time for solitude to heal. Being totally alone or with nature and animals and a bit of time healing when they aren't in our presence or care.

It's time to put a tiny bit of separation between yourself and your child emotionally. All that means is seeing that you are not responsible for her outcomes and she needs to learn that you have boundaries and they need to be respected.

You don't mean to be stuck in your head though Happyfarm. It's no use beating up on yourself for it. You can't bully yourself into being a different person. Suppressing it won't help, we've been doing that all our lives and it hasn't worked out so great. Maybe try to limit it, as a starting point? Like Mondays, Wednesdays and Saturdays you can navel gaze, the rest of the time you remind yourself to look outwards into the world, maybe that would work?
You need some kind of group endeavour, then when the task is completed you all get to be proud of each other and yourselves. Near me there's a canal maintenance group and a countryside litter picking group. Someone fosters cats until the rehoming center can find them a new permanent home. Someone volunteers to collect dead cats to reunite with owners. Someone else collects semi squished or ill hedgehogs for the sanctuary to attempt to return to health. Another has a job fundraising for an animal sanctuary. I don't see these people any more so I can't ask how they got into it. You can contact some charities though, see what's around?

Tammy I do that sort of thing too. We're supposed to celebrate our wins for our self-esteem's sake, read that somewhere. If I've had a particularly bad day I put myself to bed like you would with a child. Side lamp on, sleep story playing and a teddy bear 🐻. There's a diary by my bed to write my thoughts in. The current one has glittery unicorns on the cover. I figured if I'm going to revisit the past in my head so often, I may as well do it in practical ways too. Seems to help.

I'm currently listening to ' It's not you' on Audible by Dr Ramani. It's my mental escape from the very difficult people surrounding me.

Could someone help me here please? I have an elderly mother, 88 who I have never got on with. Inevitably on most occasions I see her she says or does something really hurtful. The scenario is that she will be okay for a few visits, I get lulled into a false sense of security and then she puts the knife in, often leading to long periods of estrangement . I find her very upsetting and hurtful. She never apologises and often calls me ‘over sensitive’ or ‘paranoid’. Last time I saw her she attacked my husband who had never been anything but kind to her. I haven’t seen her for months.
She recently had a fall and had left several plaintive messages asking me to call. I sent her a WhatsApp message asking if she was ok in about two lines and got a brief response. That was about three weeks ago.

I just want to try and get some explanation from her for how she behaves but know I am wasting my time. I don’t want to be estranged from her but also don’t want to see her and be repeatedly hurt again. I feel upset all the time about this situation . I don’t know what to do.

I've been watching professional advice videos for days. I'm also in long term therapy,no surprise. I know these things work - but I really struggle with my own situation to do it.

Firstly - don't confront or tell her how she hurts you.
She will never change and her brain is permanently wired differently. She is at least narcissistic and possibly sociopathic if she has been violent historically.

Your emotional reactions are what they want. It's so difficult to accept this as we are ' normal ' from a perspective of care, compassion and empathy. They never apologise - if they do it's false. The standard shit lines are ' you're too sensitive ' and ' you're over reacting '.

I would start with writing an ' ick' list. Write down every hideous thing she has done and then all the chances and forgiveness. You'll see from that alone how horrific she is.

The only thing that works is consequences which involve removing ' supply'. You're an object to her this I guarantee you. I'm so sorry she's so unhinged. Bit she is. Supply is, you being upset, you reacting strongly, you saying ' why mum, don't hurt me anymore ' , you crying, you kissing up, you forgiving endlessly, you shouting at her.

You cut supply through SILENCE. With her it sounds like the basic level of contact is good. You don't ask after her ever. You only reply with basic non emotional sentences and end sentences. If you were dying I promise you she would not care about you dying. It would be an opportunity for her to be the grieving victim and seek supply through attention.

Services will come and support her if she's unable to care for herself. Don't you dare take on that role. Don't be available in any way to social services beyond basic information if they need it. I would set the stage for you having issues with energy or fatigue so you couldn't possibly ever help out there.

You will have other people around her who may guilt trip you. They won't understand. You treat them like you treat her.

You will find support through people who have experienced or understand this. Online are lots of resources.

The hardest part I see here for all of us is accepting the fact they are really dark characters and won't be normal. We are clearly trauma bonded and easily sucked back in and the hurt starts all over again. It never ends until they're removed. You need to grieve the huge loss of a mother. You never had one.

Some fab advise on here, from ladies, who’ve walked the walk.
You’re all doing amazing ….. you really are an inspiration and should be very proud of yourselves

Thank you. I do think she loves me in her own way. It’s like she is a split personality. The ‘nice’ part does care about me but it’s battling with the dark side which I don’t believe she has any control over. She is driven by her dark side when she is triggered . She hasn’t been physically abusive but she is emotionally abusive. I think she just copies her own mother who wasn’t a very nice woman either. Aping the norms of her upbringing and the social attitudes she learned growing up. She seems completely without self knowledge. You’re right, I never did have a mother. The strange thing is, she truly believes she was a good mother.

@AmeliaHarbottle I need to accept I'm massively projecting here and sound very harsh.

I was convinced my mum loved me. Until the last year I realise it's not love really and the capacity for love is not there with these people. The behaviour patterns are incredibly common and apply to most people high in narcissism and sociopathy. Psychopathy is another level which is a tad more scary. There's no vulnerability or insecurity and shame with psychopaths.

Your mum wants you in the capacity she wants. That's as an object who provides supply by doing what she wants and having no boundaries.

It's so horrendous this stuff. No wonder it takes a lifetime to try deal with it. I recall a few years ago a couple of people mentioned narcissism when I described some problems with my mum. I just couldn't see or face it so ignored it. Now I look back and puzzle pieces come together I am in horror. Absolute horror. And there is a burning rage like no other.

I believe I could strangle her with my bare hands for what she has done to me at my most weak and vulnerable.

We like to think just our parents love us in their own way but I don't think that's love. That's not how real love feels or works. It's a fantasy thats beeing kept going and keeps us from moving 'beyond our parents' and see a different way of life. We probably wouldn't settle for a partner that somehow seems to love us in his own way, whenever he can or we are worthy. The bar for parents should be higher.

Yes I agree. Her idea of love is not mine. I just don’t want her to die with us completely estranged.