May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I moved all the time as a child it was tough but made me tough and I survived.

It’s horrible that one of the things that parents like this don’t give us is the belief in ourselves. We are left waiting and wondering where the hope will come from, expecting something outside of us to provide it. We don’t know that we give it to ourselves because we are so capable. I think that’s why I married a narc, my disordered thinking thought he’d give me all I needed and he offered it all but obviously it was all a lie. We enter the world incomplete and search for something to complete us instead of knowing with are complete all on our own. I absolutely hate these sentiments now where partners say you complete me.

I should re phrase this, you're right, it comes across poorly.

We are taught to sacrifice ourselves and this really isn't good. The sacrifice here is staying. To phrase it better - @VWSC3 you must prioritize YOUR wellbeing over your children. I have consistently learnt this through therapy.

Because what good are you dead. So your wellbeing trumps staying for their social connections.

I moved all the time. My dad was in the army. Moving was never ever the problem. It was who I was stuck with. Only narc / sociopathic mum and older sibling abusing me and any random babysitter I was dumped with as my dad was always away.

Please do what you can to escape them. It sounds like there's a few of them there. If I could my lovely lady, I would get an industrial hosepipe and blast them into another city and down a bloody sewage drain 🫨.❤️

@Happyfarm it's not your fault. I watched this great guy called Chase Hughes this week. He gives fantastic advice on narcs and psychopaths. If you aren't one, you expect people not to be doing what they're doing with you in every interaction ( gathering data to use).

Normal, innocent intentioned people don't do this crap so how would you ever know until it's too late.
Most people I know have narc profiles. I had no clue. They saw me coming because of no boundaries and being vulnerable and believing people don't do those things.

@Twatalert No I didn’t share the family situation , just vaguely referred to wanting to get away from toxic family, someone did say they moved for that reason themselves and it was the best thing they did. But because I’m so hyper focused on my children’s feelings (over-focused or just being a “normal” parent? - I don’t know which because my parents didn’t care about me at all), the part I saw was the adult children who felt like their lives had been damaged by it.

My children are oblivious to how I feel. I switch on the smile around them, it’s when I’m on my own that my feelings come out. It’s exhausting.
I hope my feelings aren’t too triggering for you with the things that have happened in your past.

I think you are right to an extent that there is more to it than not wanting to upset my children. It’s a fear of my children hating me for it I think. That’s the bit that’s coming from within. That they will reject me for it and then either be drawn to the extended family as a result (and their life ruined by them), and it will reinforce the feeling of rejection that I had from my family of origin.
Also I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes growing up. If I made a mistake I was constantly reminded of it by them and made to feel the regret deeply. They also blamed me for things that weren’t my fault. So I think I’m scared the move will be a mistake and it will be all my fault.

@Happyfarm I also think you are right - there is a paralysis there and a lot of fear. It is like I’m stuck in a flight or fight state, but it’s made me like a deer trapped in the headlights now. I’ve become quite avoidant, and I think this is an extension of that in some ways. I know for myself moving would be the right thing. If I didn’t have the children then it would be what I would do to escape. I just can’t stand the thought of ruining things for my children. I don’t know which way to go.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup Thank you for the reply. As well as the diagnosed illnesses I have, I can feel the stress in my body. It’s like a tense tight feeling. I wake up in the middle of the night every night in a panic. I can’t carry on as I am, I know that much.

@TammyJones and @Dogaredabomb Thank you for the positive stories about moves.

My head is in a spin but I really value all of your replies.

I spot it now but when I do it freaks me out. I have a very physical response around narcs and I just want to get away. I guess that’s because one almost killed me. They can be very dangerous. It stops me opening up with new people because they might be one. I was way too needy when I entered the adult world, that and undiagnosed ADHD. The bastard saw me coming. But I pride myself in getting away because I’ve always been a real person, no fake image, I think part of that is the ND which may have saved me long term but has given me C.F.S.

@VWSC3 you have described this pretty well. I'm sure a therapist could help you unpick this, this hyper focus on your kids feelings whilst totally neglecting yourself. I know you are trying to not do what your own parents did. Just know that it doesn't have to be perfect and you don't have to be perfect and get it right all the time.

You mustn't assume that your kids dont know anything about how you feel. They know on some level may develop a 'coping mechanism'. Even babies know. It all goes in and never leaves. What I'm saying is that you try so hard to protect them that you are failing yourself and them along the way in other areas. You don't have to do this alone. It's very hard when you come from abuse to know what kind of balance to strike with your own kids.

They are going to ruin things for your children if you don’t do something. I don’t think in your state of mind that you can understand the difference between someone who is truly happy in their heart and someone faking it. Trust me from experience that faking a smile and physically feeling a smile and the glow that brings are miles and miles apart. They will notice! You can’t fake glowing happy.

This has hit it right on the head. It has made me cry, because this is what it is. Growing up I was made to sacrifice everything for my parents and sibling, everything I wanted or needed was considered selfish and their wants and needs came first and I think it’s ingrained in me. Almost every type of relationship I’ve had has involved people who have taken advantage of me and me sacrificing myself for them and what I wanted not even being an option.
But now I’m in a situation where I’m a mother and I feel like these are the only people I should have sacrificed myself for, and how can I not sacrifice what I want for them, when I have sacrificed myself for people who have treated me so cruelly? In my mind it would be like treating them as less important than my abusers, if that makes sense.

@VWSC3 please go to therapy.

Your situation now with your kids is very different from your past relationships. You can’t sacrifice yourself for them because you will be dead. You are now a protector not a sacrifice, you aren’t a child anymore back with your parents. This role of sacrifice is not real it’s a role that you gave yourself to survive back then. We as mothers aren’t sacrificial objects who give up their lives and wither away.

I have over compensated hugely as a mum. And that's itself problematic because you're more sensitive if those children try unpleasant behaviour tactics, or just general teenage rudeness and lack of accountability. That could really really sting us because of our experiences.

We are not ultimately responsible for how this all turns out with the children of our own. There really are things way beyond you that are just going to happen or not. They could turn out wonderful. They could be arseholes when they're older. More is out your hands than you realise. They will be what they were always going to be and it's not on you, please believe that.

Moving is an upheaval - but compare that to the abuse kids are suffering daily in horrific homes. They are not those kids. They'll survive,they'll get over it. You have to come before them and their wants. You're right, it's training. You've been trained this way.

I don’t know how to stop myself feeling this way.

I’ve had some therapy over the years, but it was on the NHS and was pretty dire.

Please move as far as possible and change your name, honestly.

I’m not sure how to stop the feelings. I have the same feelings but I just do it with the feelings. Feelings I’ve learned are not always based in reality. I know what’s best for my family, my feelings are often based on a past version of myself, a childish one. You’ve got to get a big hoopla on them and yank them along with you kicking and screaming!!!!

I can't stand facebook I but I am on it anonymously for health and this shit with these nutjobs.

There are quite a few people I follow who I really like and value. They completely understand it. They offer sessions of therapy. But I'm not entirely sure on the extent of their credentials.

The NHS is a diabolical waste of space for anything like this. A search inline will bring up private therapists. I'd believe most will understand this and have possibly had exposure to them too.

You aren't expected to know all by yourself. It's very complex, but you know quite a bit about your internal workings and it's good that you are open to that.

NHS therapy is shite. It hasn't helped me. If you can afford it there are therapists that understand childhood trauma as well as psychodynamic and psychoanalysis which could help. Just stay away from CBT or anyone stating they use a person centric approach. Do it for yourself and your family.

I couldn't agree more ref CBT. I really dislike it.

It's like trying to train you out of your entire history and life experience . I would entirely avoid that.

The more videos/ bloggers / experts you watch and consume, the better it gets tbh. You learn and resonate so so much that you really can find a way through it.

You need people to validate your experience.

I love Dr Ramani. Loads of videos online.
I love a lady called Vera Hale, ( I'm not sure she's a fully accredited psychotherapist, but she gets this shit).
Richard Grannon makes great videos. He gets this entirely and gives good advice on how to process and respond.
I've started watching Chase Hughes, he isn't a psych guy but his understanding of psychopathy and narcissism is excellent. He advises and trains women on seeing the signs.

I get fearful still. But I quickly recognise what's happening. The problem is, the arseholes do it again. You come to the conclusion they need to be totally removed.

I think they are like a cancer or that rash that you get with sepsis. You’ve got to do all that you can to get rid of it. Even if that means cutting off a limb and learning to live the best without it. Living with it still present is like leaving the cancer and expecting it to act out of character. It’s just in its nature to destroy, it can’t be anything other than a cancer. There are no cancers that suddenly get a change of heart. I don’t visualise the narcs in my life with any positivity at all, they just rotten.

I hope this link is allowed MN.

This is just fabulous. The empathy and understanding Dr Ramani has for the experience of victims is just the most warming and validating thing to hear.

If you have time to rest in peace and quiet on your own, with 🎧 and take a listen, you'll feel very much lifted and less alone.

I agree. I visualise a virus with tentacles and I can presently feel the tentacles of the virus in people I know. It sickens me to the core.

And I have to sit back and breathe, knowing these linpit pieces of crap are intentionally hurting me for no reason other than wanting space away from them( quietly and gently).

I find when I watch videos like this I get taken down by the monumental amount that I have lost because of them. They take so much and then you have to try and live forward otherwise they have taken the future also but you live forward at a loss and unwell. I find this so hard to get to grips with. I don’t want to let them ruin all of my life but my life is less because of the autoimmune conditions these people cause. I hate them but hate drags you
down.

The hate and the anger is very important. That makes you protect yourself. It forces you to seek goodness elsewhere. For me, I completely isolate from people except the few who I feel and know are good and authentic. I usually just spend time with animals or nature and the anger forces me to do this and to see them and their horror.

I can't even reply to nutty slack mum now because of my annoyance. It's a reminder - keep away from the poison. That's what the anger does for you.

I have a real issue now with inauthentic people and I fight my feelings over this because I feel wrong not liking people but I just can’t stand them. There is no place in my life for them but they are adored by others, I feel horrible sometimes because I don’t tow a line. I do feel like we become so aware that we physically just can’t be around this type of person.