May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I moved. I actually moved to the other side of the country, and I changed my name. I haven't been back to the place I grew up and I don't think I ever will. It helped enormously.

Her keeping you away is nothing personal. It's so difficult to accept that mum's like this are not the same as us. They are not operating in the same way. It's almost psychopathic. You are an object and you fulfil needs or you don't. It is nothing about the person you are. It is the fact you are close to her and that's it. If you happen to operate out of people pleasing tendency then great. And that's because the horrible woman trained you to become that way, in conjunction with your fathers behaviour.

All of that behaviour from her is control. To control you. If you are isolated,you are vulnerable, you are easier to manipulate, to fulfil the needs of that person ( who does not feel love like we do remember). Exploiting and abusing someone is simply because they're so messed up they don't want to sort their own crap out. It's as personal as that really. It just hurts us profoundly because it's our bloody mother.

I don't like the sound of your mother one little bit. She has and is causing you problems. I understand entirely how hard this is to see totally.and come to terms with.

I'm here talking about mine still and I know she's totally gone to the dark side and always was. 🤷

Edit - I know all this. I wrote all this often. It's possible after a few weeks of interaction I could fall back into total delusion. It's happened before with love bombings and being so wonderful and loving to me. Within months the almost psychopathic shift occured again.

This is how dangerous these people are. Interaction engulfs you in a mental fog of delusion.

This is why people cut the fuckers off. Then you see everything.

I have been hit by such a giant wave of grief I cannot see any light. It's two and a half years after the final straw and I was beginning to do so well and visualise my new life but it's all gone. The realisation (again) that I will have to do this on my own, without any family, and that this is forever now is almost not bearable.

I'm angry and I'm fed up with how hard this is. I struggle to keep it together. I burst into tears all the time. Earlier I saw a tiny baby and I felt such betrayal that my family decided to abuse something so innocent. How could they?

I can't bear to look at or listen to anything to do with very young children. I'm so angry that my mother saw bad in me and made me believe all these horrible things about myself. It's not a human thing to do. How did my mother not want the best for me?

How can you trust anyone ever if your own parents betrayed you like that and would continue had you not removed yourself. How can one have any trust in the world if your own mother ignored your greatest pain? How will I ever not feel this void inside me only a good mother could fill? How can you ever move beyond the betrayal?

I think that you sometimes have to compartmentalise it. Not everyone in the world is bad. What one person thought of you is just one person. Yeah that person happened to be your mum, absolutely sucks but that’s on her. We have to learn to disconnect the two things. You are a person who exists in the world and are lovely and your mum is a person who lives who is not. We have to find people who reflect the way we want to view ourselves, find good people. No point standing in front of a distorted mirror hoping for a clear image. You have to believe that you are a good person and find folk who reflect this. We have to actively create the life we want to live in. I think a lot of people don’t have much in common with their parents but they can disconnect themselves from them, come and go without much effort.

I agree with you and I was getting ready for that, but grief has once again paralysed me. I hate it. I'm just trying to get through the day doing things I have to do and go to bed. I can't face anything else and I can't bear being social. I want to be at home on my own and cry. My body and mind are heavy. I can't do more than the minimum.

I think this wave of grief came because I started to see my new life. I experienced things I NEVER knew before. I felt that sometimes being with people can be easy as opposed to a struggle and battle. I never felt this before and it sent me into a dark place.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup thank you. x. When you said that she's not operating the way I do, you're right. I don't understand how she thinks because i can't.
You are right that she doesn't want to sort her own crap out. She's basically said as much.

I think she got very used to having a child who was like a mini adult and who always took her side. I liked what she wanted me to like, I had the opinions she wanted me to have. Until, of course, I left home and quite normally started to discover what my own likes and opinions were. I wasn't quite so pliant and useful any more, and when she was unpleasant or selfish, I quietly withdrew. I didn't want to spend time with her any more. TBH, once she got her new husband, she didn't really want to spend time with me either. Maybe it would have been better to say it out loud, to put it out in the open and deal with it, but as a family the rule was that you didn't complain, you didn't say it out loud. If dreadful behaviour happened it was swept under the carpet. I can remember a phase when I was about 11, when she was becoming more and more spiteful to me until I eventually asked her why she was treating me like she disliked me so much, and she looked like a child caught with her hand in the biscuit tin.

What's really ridiculous is that I'm still chewing through this when I haven't heard from her in weeks and we barely see each other. She's got other family taking care of her. But I know that if I opened the door even a crack, if she thought there was a chance that I would slip back into the servant role, she'd grab it with both hands. I've seen glimmers of it. That really scares me.

@Crazysnakes it’s sad, you sound like you really want to love your mum but you can’t seem to find a way to do this. My mum isn’t spiteful like many on here. I love her in a way, more so in an assigned way than in a deep meaning way. This is the mum you have, you won’t find a way in for your feelings for her because she can’t/isn’t/wasn’t what you need/needed. It’s hard but we have to accept that it was and will always be unrequited love. We have loved a fantasy of a mother, it leaves a mark but I feel we have to love them and leave them knowing we never had and never will have this. She isn’t your mother, not in the spiritual, giving, nurturing sense, all she did was carry your body for a bit then left it. You won’t find what you need in your memories. You need to drink from a different pond as the one you keep going to is poisoned.

It's very difficult knowing that your parent(s) didn't /don't love or like you or only in a cupboard love way. By cupboard love I mean like the toddler who is good because he wants a biscuit, not because he wants to be good.

After Dad died (Mum had been vile consistently) she immediately turned nice saying 'I never really knew or understood you before ' it was so so blatant.

I didn't care, she's always made me feel physically sick from my earliest memories. It was very interesting to observe how stupid she was, I'm fairly certain she believed herself.

I felt sorry for her in the abstract that her only remaining option was to toady to someone (me) she didn't like. Had she known me better she'd have realised I'd have helped her anyway even with her mask still off.

I think they didn't like me because I'm not an Alpha type of person. I don't want to compete in a race (actual or physical) , it just doesn't interest me. I've never cared about being top of the class, just done what I can and I think not being able to have something to brag about meant I had no value to them.

But, I have tons of good or even exceptional qualities that people value. If I had been my own child I'd like me very much indeed. I'd be really proud of some of my qualities. They're less starry things but exactly what I would value and be proud of if I'd raised me.

Ha, just realised, I did raise me 😁

My eldest has had a string of disappointments in relationships recently (friendships too) just one of those things that it's happened in a short space of time like when all your white goods break one after another.

He's recently diagnosed with ASD and he and I are still getting used to it (together). He doesn't present as stereotypically ASD and is perfectly able academically so very hard to pick up on unless you know him well.

Anyway, we were trying to figure out how these recent relational disappointments had happened and how to guard against or identify sooner for the future.

We both sat and thought hard and the only thing we could come up with was to socialise from places where people are almost pre selected to be like a certain way (possibly, and loads of caveats) ie chess club if you want to hang out with quiet cerebral people.

I'm not explaining very well but what I mean is that some people, our families, aren't the right people for us. And throw in an ND or a traumatic childhood and we're still, and probably always will be, cycling with training wheels on.

I do think there's something that every one of us can be proud of, we're thinkers. And nay sayers, it's noble actually. We're on the outs with our families because we've, at least internally, said 'no way, I'm not going along with that, you're insane, cruel, horrible. I'm not playing along'.

There's a HEAVY price, but it's worth it. But it's heavy.

I read one of those '7 signs that you're really emotionally intelligent' quick things you get when scrolling.

Like you notice someone's eyes dart away before they answer or you notice slight changes in atmosphere. Obviously I could say yes to everything.

Not because I'm emotionally intelligent, but because I'd have been in very serious danger if I couldn't read moods and cues very very well as a child!!!!!!!

I read it and thought have you never met one of us? We're all the same, I can spot 'one of us' almost immediately in conversation.

It would be nice if there were local low key clubs for us, not therapy, just a quiet space.

A healthy parent wouldn’t care less if their child was Alpha or not. My child is challenging but it doesn’t stop be loving her and worrying myself to death. A healthy mum loves her intelligent child her spiritual one, her boisterous one, her feminine one….which ever one they get to watch grow because they are there’s. Imagine the eyes of the mum looking into the eyes of that little child and not just having just pure love…it’s rotten.

@Dogaredabomb I felt like that about my father from a very early age. I was really young when I realised that he was a horrible person. Living in the same house as him was all about survival. I used to regularly wish that he would die because I couldn't see any other way out. I know the sick feeling you're describing. You're not alone. I think, based on what I've read, that had narcissistic personality disorder with a sadistic streak. I think my mother has dependent personality disorder to some extent.

In our families, where we don't fit, I wonder sometimes if it's not personal, it's just that the family dynamic creates this situation where they need to have someone who doesn't fit, and for whatever reason - birth order, sex, appearance, some quirk of personality - we were assigned that role. And then it becomes personal. Even within the same family, siblings don't get the same childhood. It's a bit more than just a physically awkward kid being born into a sporty family, because well adjusted families can and do bend to accommodate those sort of differences. They meet their children where they are. Our families haven't done that, we've been expected to bend to fit them, which is back to front.

They I believe have a family dynamic where there is a past agenda. In my experience it was my ex and my MIL. They have past trauma that has completely erased them and replaced them with someone who needs a family to heal them. When I say heal they need people who confirm that they are what they think they are, what they weren’t told they were. My ex wants people who confirm he is a hero, amazing, valued, he wants to re-enact in my opinion someone saving him from his childhood. He is projecting all the things he wanted to feel from his parents on to his RL relationships now. My MIL didn’t have a mum from age 5. Trauma I believe has made her fixed on the notion that she is an alpha mum, better than anyone else. She is stuck trying to prove herself. I believe all of this is a huge projection, they are blinkered, living in a past reality.

The more I write I think I realise that I have also “miss used” relationships. I’ve also looked for “proof” within them. Proof that I’m actually lovable. The problem lies when someone doesn’t show you what you want to see. I believed them when they showed me shame and disgust. I suppose when you look for proof externally you die when rejected. It’s all good when someone treats you well but when they don’t, instead of saying I deserve better you believe that you don’t. Narcs feel very similar only they punish you for treating them less then they think they deserve. These parents really don’t teach is what relationships are actually for.

I don't think any of us skip off into the sunset. I saw a video yesterday explaining how overwhelming the experience of detachment is. Because we have had to see what we deluded ourselves against. We had to do that. And you then not only see that but then live with the loss knowing they're still alive. And that can bring fear and anxiety.

I wonder what it would feel like to have a loving caring healthy mum who then died. I can't imagine this experience and how it would compare. That is in no way a ' mine is worse than yours'. I try understand it logically and imagine how it feels in your body thinking about that loss and how different that is to our experience.

The more you stay away from her the better. I know this is hard.

My mum did the most cruel and insane things last year. Very very covert. Threats dropped in conversation. Brought my child in during conversation where these threats were made. She uses scenarios - oh I met this person and you won't believe what they did....' and it will be a made up scenario reflecting something she thinks she has on me. When I saw her doing this a few times plus so much more, I was shocked .

She then love bombed so well when I didn't respond to a few things that I completely fell back in. I even ended up going to buy things for her that I knew she'd love! I wasn't even consciously doing it. Almost autopilot. Absolutely vile.

You must keep them away.

Jumping back in just to write this down really….
I’m staying local to where I grew up for a while, and I am terrified of running into my mother. Actually really scared. I’m such an idiot….. I’m less concerned about my brother as I can just tell him he’s an asshole and walk away.

I used to absolutely love being here, now I just want to go home 🙁

You are not an idiot in any way. You realise that this abuse is so significant it has an impact on your entire body akin to severe PTSD. There's so much literature on this now. You are reacting completely appropriately. But it's better if you can find a way to calm your system.

Preparation is key. Deep breathing first. Really deep breathing where you hold it then breathe out a bit longer. Then imagine all possible scenarios such as bumping into, seeing across the street, someone else telling you something or questioning your behaviour ref them. Prepare how you want to respond and the words. No explanation is key. Calm and say little as possible.

Neutral yellow rock behaviour I feel is best. This could be very difficult to do. I can't recall your situation.

It is a place where you are calm and projecting- ' hope all is well. Wish no ill will' and on you walk.

Least reaction is safest. But it's really difficult. I kind of feel I wouldn't care ref my sibling too. Despite hideous narcissistic behaviour, they are more obvious. I have tiny glimmers of compassion even for him despite awful awful behaviour.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup I think at the heart of it is that I wish I didn't have to be the adult in all the relationships with my family. I wish there was a relationship where I got to be the child, and could ask for support, rather than always being expected to provide it. The mother wound is really deep. There's also a lot of emotional confusion because when I was a child, he was so awful that she was the good parent, but now as an adult I'm faced with the reality which is that better than awful still isn't very good, and that the mothering I received post divorce was inadequate. It's not just that it wasn't good when my father was in the picture, it wasn't very good afterwards either. I feel like I've had to figure out so much by myself.

The vale of delusion is a protective mechanism. What lies beneath is truly terrible. Make sure @Crazysnakes you make time for some softness, we need a soft landing whilst dealing with this.

We have survived the abuse and now we have to survive the memories of the abuse. We have to be careful that we don’t spend a life time stuck on a loop of survival. Life is meant to be fun.

I have found great strength in therapy. She has very much been the adult for me to grow. It has been difficult at times as it is incredibly honest and confronting and I didn't want to face alot of things. About me, about others I love. Very gently and gradually done over years.

As an alternative,I can't recommend online professionals enough. When I watch the good ones, I feel like the little girl listening to a wise guide who sees truth and everything that is best for me.

I really believe it's often validation of normalcy and your authentic self is what we seek. Is it actually that and not so much that you want a mum / adult figure.

If you are in presence of sources that validate everything you experience and know; your true self - this really supports you.

I promise I'm not on the payroll for all these guys I name drop 😆. They will validate everything. I'd listen alone. I wouldn't discuss it. No one gets it.

-Dr Ramani - amazing. She has and does live the experience of narc abuse.

-Richard Gannon - I'm really enjoying his videos. Very honest, a bit rough round the edges in terms of life history. He gets it and validates it all.

-Jerry Wise - he is upselling some paid programme but has most free ref how to emotionally disengage even if you can't NC them.

• Gabe Mator - ( this is very deep and intense and only good when you're ready to absorb it. ) I love him personally.

Gabe has made a few fab videos on the importance of just saying no. It is what has made me prioritise myself and lock my door right now.

I believe we also need to start validating ourselves. This is the purpose of an actual parent, they are supposed to pass this ability onto us as we grow. We’ve got to start taking over the batten.

Not caught up but just a little update from me received an email today from ss apologising for delay in getting back to me the investigation is still open and they are awaiting instructions from opg so that must mean that they are still investigating as well

The social workers title is first response so i presume the case has either been reopened or a new case has been opened when i emailed 3 weeks ago about the care home not advising me if dm was a resident as my previous emails with updates to them just got the reply they don't deal with it now opg are dealing with it. So hopefully they are finally working together. Never hear anything from opg which they advised me I wouldn't but also advised it usually takes 12 weeks and it's been with an investigator for 6 months now so I presumed it had been closed

I presume if dm is now in a care home ss will also do there own financial assessment to check how she is funding her care so that should flag up the large sums of money dsis has taken which I warned her about over 2 years ago plus as an ex care home manager dsis is fully aware of

Those with ND kids please give me a little bit of advice if you can. 🙏 I keep getting messages from parents to ask me to keep my child away from them at school. It’s causing so much distress. DD always seems to read situations wrongly, she always thinks they are about her, deliberate etc and in return she is verbally abusive, saying quite spiteful things. She tells me that she has no control over this. Why is she doing this? It’s always the other persons fault. She claims she wants to be alone, doesn’t want friends but I don’t think this is true. Is she trying to balance the perceived power out?

I would say do your utmost to get her in a private send school and get your borough to pay. If you look for SpLD ie adhd, asd, dyslexia in your area. They're generally an enormous amount of money ie £50k pa but 95% are being paid for by their LEA. You'll probably need an education lawyer, worth every penny (for the lawyer).

I don't know your area but, as an example look at the Moat School in Fulham. I think it's slightly changed it's name but you'll find it. I think they do 9-18 and it's also for kids who are not coping, including emotionally, in a mainstream setting.

I know some people are wedded to mainstream and I've had one kid do mainstream the other private send. It was night and day emotionally and equal academically.