May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Do you think we become what we surround ourselves with? Some of my family are competitive and when I spent too much time around them I feel myself getting drawn into it. I like to think Im not completive but I must be around the wrong people. Is everyone like this, other people bringing out behaviour in you? I spend as little time as possible around competitive people because I get overwhelmed with this behaviour. I want peace.

I'd say it's totally natural to mimic. But part of you will always resist and feel uncomfortable if you're like us and not inclined to be narcissistic.

The more time away from these people, the true you will dominate. That which you describe is the ' family personality '.

I recommend Jerry Wise. He is just brilliant. I think he does try flog some paid programme bollocks. But he gives really good advice and makes videos on the family system, your role and things to say if you must engage 🖕

I don't think we're allowed to link YouTube videos,.it won't allow mine here.

Jerry Wise has loads and if you type in his name and family dysfunction, he has great short videos on it. I love his approach to dealing with them when you can't completely NC them. It's all about separating your mental and emotional state from theirs. A very hard job. The more you watch and don't spend time with the virus they are, the easier it is to do.

The more time I spend on me the more I physically can’t be around them. I am working on the guilt because I don’t want to leave people out. My issue is I don’t want to be in a relationship where I’m being used to make someone else feel better by them placing me as an inferior value. I want people who value a relationship with me because they simply like me. I have family who I think see me as a little weird and frivolous and when I’m with them I start to feel less. I’m trying to value me for who I really am and yeah I’m not conventional but I don’t want to be. I want to be with people who love me for this.

I think we get slotted into a certain role, and the pressure to fulfil it can be extensive, and often people go along it because it's familiar and easy. Everyone knows the routine. This aunty x, she's the drunk, this is brother y, he always takes the parents at xmas, this is sister d, she's the drama queen, this is mother, she can't cope with anything, this is father, he'll have a tantrum if anyone disagrees with him, this is uncle f who always calms father down when he has his tantrum.

It's very difficult to rock the boat when you're a child, and when you become an adult, it often feels like it's not worth the upset. Funnily enough I had some weird dreams last night in which popped up a couple of old memories of my mother being particularly weird and spiteful, and I had this sudden thought about what happens when your family have allotted you the people pleaser role and you decide you don't want to do it any more because it doesn't fit you and never did. You were never actually that utterly selfless, overly helpful doormat for whom nothing was ever too much trouble. But they've come to rely on the fact that that's who you are and that they can offload the dirty work on to you, and they like you in that role. And when you stop, they don't know how to interact with you any more.

This is the issue I have. I can no longer stand to be with people who’ve labeled me something. I hate labels. I’m not one thing but many things. They haven’t a clue who I really am and no care to even want to know. I think we all view ourselves through other people, but people like us especially. I believe them that I’m silly and frivolous when I spend too much time with them, doubt starts to grow. It’s hard when your world is small and they take up most of it. I could spend forever trying to convince them that actually I’m a deep and meaningful person etc etc but it doesn’t work.

I have had a really stressful few weeks.

I have initiated a dramatic NC or very very Low Contact with my mum after absolute insanity and coming round every day to be incredibly cruel as I'm lying here visibly very poorly. This was about 6 weeks ago. Thinking about this cruelty still makes me want to strangle with my hands, but I have to work on that part.

She went on holiday. Recruited a relative ( flying monkey) to stay in house. The overstepping of boundary has blown my mind. But it shocked me how normal this behaviour always has been in the wider family. What has upset me is the overstepping and lack of respect from this relative has quadrupled since I last saw them and confused me. She obviously knows I'm acting different, lies will have been told obviously. But I won't say a word to anyone about any of this. I just talk neutral and say nothing.

Relative has been barging into my house ( door was open as boiling hot), really loud so neighbours hear things about them! I am thinking - are you doing this deliberately. My mum would know I'd hate the discord that would create with neighbors and how I like good respectful neighbour relationships. So even away from me, that CF, I believe is getting everything as she always does by somehow getting her relative to do this. I may be paranoid on that part but she is so manipulative. She doesn't do anything. Everyone else does it for her. Disgusting beast of a human.

Relative is really loud, laughing at neighbour out my window! Drinks alot then would come over, calling me ' bitch ' as a ' joke' in front of my teen. Teen then said I thought you'd get all grumpy about her saying that mum ( after she'd gone). I said nothing and was very calm and composed and handled it well imo. Yet, my teens reaction is upsetting - it's very much a narcissistic family response isn't it. I explained - saying nothing is sometimes the best response. I then said - that isn't happening again, not ok to do. ( Door bloody locked).

My door has been locked since and I've yellow rocked.

Can you believe how alien that is for me to do that. People reading would be horrified if they didn't grow up in these bullying families.

After this there was an incident just trying to walk in, shouting through the letterbox. Unreal. I just ignored it. The stress of this is so upsetting to me. But it really has kicked in the strongest of boundaries. I've known this relative all my life but I see I'm losing nothing. I never had any of them. They're all loyal to CF as she provides money. This is her tool to manipulate all of them.

The longer I go incredibly LC, the clearer I see and the more I feel rage and the less I can tolerate even the smallest interaction. I had one pathetic text from mother and it made me feel sick. I'm yellow rocking with smile emojis in reply to anything.

My teen is distanced somewhat. I have managed to visit them so they aren't here. They will be here when mother and relative are both together in the next few days.when she returns from trip.

I really don't know how to manage this. The stress of this is significant to me.

I have in my mind a boundary which is you pop over for no more than an hour. It's always before late afternoon. She's always drinking by then and a double whammy CF bitch. My son knows she is a drinker but she hides her alcohol glasses when he's there to gaslight him and anyone else. Monstrous.

I really want to move now. I hate that I'm suffering with so many severe illnesses. I don't want the upheaval of trying to swap and move ( social housing). I want strength to just ride the wave.

Because I've cut every aspect of ' supply' , my mum will up it with my teen. This makes me feel sick. I really don't know how to deal with this part mentally. Teen would only say to me ' you're trying to stop me seeing her aren't you - like with NC sibling'. I have talked to him about boundaries and examples of his that I respect. I explained that mine aren't being respected at all. I've explained NC with sibling being ignored also. Not ok. So boundaries are in place here regarding time, including my time waiting for you whilst you're popping over.

What else can I do. Anything will feed that CF.

What do they gain from tormenting an unwell person? They surely have what they want in life.

It's why you see so much abuse in care homes.

It's why the real experience of vulnerable and elderly people in hospital is actually terrifying for them.

It's because the vulnerable are a target for abusive people.

To add - they have nothing at all internally but shame loathing and they know they have done shameful things. Rather than process and face that - Impossible for them - they put it all into abusing other people as projection and shift.

I know all this. But in my situation, knowing this isn't enough. I'm so worn down with such pain and losing function tbh.

I hate the fact I have c.f.s and I’m vulnerable. I hate feeling vulnerable now. I can’t get myself out of things like I want to. It’s a sick world that we shouldn’t feel like this in. It’s scary being vulnerable. I wish I never knew this reality but I suppose it is actually the reality.

I think this is one of the reasons why it's so important sometimes to take a step back and ask yourself if you've got any vulnerabilities that an abusive person could exploit, and if there's anything you can do to change it. Everything I've learned has taught me that abusers shop around until they find someone who will dance to their tune. It's like ballroom dancing, they are looking for a dance partner who knows the steps that compliment their own.

Abusers aren't necessarily kind to people who refuse to dance, and don't have good relationships with them, but it's better than the alternative.

I was once told that we are the key to their lock. I suppose I was a good key for a while until I grew and no longer fitted. I was absolutely vulnerable when I was 20, traumatised by my childhood and looking for a white knight! Also inexperienced at just 20. They teach you the monsters are in fairytales, I think it would be more beneficial to teach kids that people can be the monsters and what to look for.

Everyone has vulnerabilities and insecurities. It’s a sad world we live in where these have to be fixed and not these bastards.

Oh goodness I have plenty 😆. And becoming a completely different person is the only way. I have become that person incrementally over the past few years. I am a huge people pleaser and always my brain goes to ' should I do this for that person '. I was doing this whilst in critical health for 6 months. And these people, 3 primary members, exploited and trampled all over me whilst I was this sick.

I was not able to lose them all.

Now I want them gone forever.

Unfortunately, you try things and they then adapt - like a virus. So NC one went fine but then the other one gets worse.

My vulnerability is being blinded by it, conditioning, people pleasing. I am highly empathetic. I don't know how much is empathy or just people pleasing.

I have,no lie, 4 to 5 of them around me.And it's just me.

The one remaining vulnerability is my child.

@Crazysnakes you've hit the nail on the head.

It's being prepared to say goodbye. This is really difficult.

Because I've now just said goodbye to another one ( the relative).

You have provided me with such amazing clarity with what you have just said.

Every action is a test to see if I'm still dancing. Do I have the courage to permanently say and show no more. And as a result, I lose them all. That's probably my fear. I will be entirely alone.

But I always was.

For me, my mother is the only relative left that I've got contact with. There isn't anyone else. We were a pretty broken family to begin with, TBH, as I didn't really know my mother's extended family (and isn't it interesting that I call them that, I don't refer to them as my family). My father had done the thing that a lot of domestically abusive men do, which is to cut off the extended family. After the divorce, my mother reconnected with them and I think got some of those relationships back, but there was never any attempt to include me. I'm not even sure I knew it was going on. I can remember going to my grandmother's funeral and being in a room full of strangers, sitting in a corner on my own until one woman came up to me and said 'you don't know who any of us are, do you?' And yet they all had these clear family bonds that I wasn't part of, we all lived in the same town, they'd all known that I was growing up in fecking misery. The disconnect was just so painful, especially as my brother, who is a lot younger than me, had been introduced to them and they all obviously knew him quite well. When he came in he went straight over to sit with them, barely even said hello to me. What's even more weird is that my mother thought I had met them and knew who everyone was.

This might sound really weird but writing that down I've had a sudden very acute realisation that I've been kept at arm's length, haven't I? My mother has kept me at arm's length.

I don't know why I didn't see that before.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup I was definitely trained as a people pleaser, and I was also hypervigilant for a very, very long time but I had to be. My father's mood swings were terrifying and he would always blame someone else, so you had to be constantly active, monitoring him, trying to have some degree of control over the situation, which obviously you never really can. It's left me as an adult really struggling with other people because it's so difficult to turn it off. The one thing that has saved me as an adult is that I married well, even though I was young and stupid and really hadn't met enough men and didn't know enough. I got lucky. It could have gone so horribly wrong. I can see now how vulnerable I was. I can also see that my people pleasing tendencies worked for my mother. It was useful to her. And she never looked beyond it, I don't think. She believed it was my natural disposition rather than the result of years of abuse.

What I have found is that once you stop people pleasing, you lose a lot of relationships, because people pleasers attract a certain type.

@Crazysnakes yes. I believe you're seeing things you of course weren't ready to see before.

If we SAW everything in one go - we'd all have a mental breakdown. And some understandably do and will. It has to be incremental. The path as they call it.

I'd say that was a lie from your mum. The way you just repeated that with absolute faith that she meant it. The capacity for pathological lying is something I am now shocked by. And sounding so believable.

I just heard that someone connected to this relative I mention had a MH admission. This person is known as a 'problem' family member. And what have I just realised. That everything they have said was and is the truth. They are a scapegoat.

So, you have in some way been saved from the extended depth of the narcissistic family cult. Everyone in that system will operate to serve it, usually the lead member is a mum / grandmother. Anyone who dares to step out their role must be prepared to be totally alone from them. And eventually,this is heavenly. When we are ready.

@Crazysnakes there is going to be nobody left for me. All my relationships are this way.

Even my closest long term friends. Two I see as not manipulative at all. Yet of course,they're not used to assertive behaviour from me. I did it with a good friend a few weeks ago. Simply stating I knew the way to a location - it is here. Friend would not have it and was getting a bit irate. It's a location connected to me fgs.

For the first time I kindly said ' mate- I am confident this is the way. ' And that shift was definitely noticed.

To be fair - this friend has done alot and been there through shit for me. They have their own things to juggle.

It saddens me to accept everyone will go when you become authentic.

In my own case people go. But more so it’s my expectations of them that has gone. But new people have come into my life. I’m not gonna lie I feel so bloody awkward having friends, like what am I supposed to do in this situation. I’m an adult in a child’s mind, very inexperienced at being real and it’s weird.

@Crazysnakes did she keep you at arms length intentionally tho or is that just the circumstance of her not really giving a shit. Or did she save you as her tool for her emotions and didn’t want to share. Or was she jealous you’d take attention away from her. She views you as less so of people are talking and taking to you her view of you would be threatened.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup The funny thing is, sometimes she has let things slip which has revealed that she's lied about things before. Like when my grandmother died, she said that there wasn't anything to inherit. It wasn't like I'd asked if I was getting anything, I knew my grandmother had nothing. But my mother made sure I knew there was nothing. I never questioned it. And yet a few months ago, it slipped out that my grandmother had 10K in savings which my mother inherited. I appreciate that this isn't a lot, and that legally it was my mother's to do with as she saw fit. What I don't understand is why she lied. But she does lie, to me, to cover her arse. Within the family, though, there were lies, including an absolute whopper (which I'd mostly figured out by the time I was 12 anyway).

I think she lied because she was worried that I would think badly of her if she was honest and said she just didn't want to include or invite me. She lied about the money because she didn't want me to know she had it.

I'm not sure she actually likes me all that much, TBH. I think I am and will always be the child who reminds her of her biggest mistake.

In other words @Crazysnakes she kept you small!

If you stay put, shutup, you'll have the permanent overwhelming upheaval of interacting with them until they die. I'd start the ball rolling with swapping, that's only a temporary upheaval.

My mother has kept me at arm's length.

Abusers like to isolate their victims crazysnakes

I wonder what will kill me first. Stress of moving or close proximity.

My mum can actually see me as I leave my house and monitors. That kind of answers it. She was here first to be fair to her on that.

This kind of answers it 🙏

Edit to add - What's very difficult to accept is knowing that she probably wants me to move away. Because I am problematic with longstanding health issues and what comes with that ( I do accept that's hard for people). She's nuts so no sympathy for her though. As I'm now highly problematic shell be desperate for me to go. That could be what the relative being here for 2 weeks is part of.

@Crazysnakes that was intentional and deliberate from your mum. I have watched my 2 family members attempt isolation in multiple hideous ways. Asking me often who is visiting, which friends I've seen.

Knowing that those friends SEE them.

I don't know, TBH. Partly it was my age, I suppose. I had left home to go to uni.
But it wasn't far. It wouldn't have been difficult to say can you come home this weekend, I want to take you to meet your family. Or even at any time after that. My grandmother died 10 years after the divorce. She had a decade to let me know she was in regular contact with these people, to introduce me to them, and she either didn't want to, she didn't think it was important, or she didn't think at all. Maybe she was ashamed of me, or I embarrassed her. I don't know. It's not like I knew and made the choice not to join in. But none of those options are good, are they? I don't know why my grandmother had a close bond with her family and saw them all the time but never made any effort to bring me to them either. I don't know what is wrong with me that I had to be kept away from them.

When i had therapy last year, the therapist tried, very gently, to suggest that my mother's behaviour suggested that she wasn't overly bothered about me. We didn't really dig into it but I keep going back to it.