May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Yes. Absolute programming. Worsened immensely by narcissistic abuse. We are programmed to feel guilt when we should not. Society worsens this for women and mum's especially. We need to stay in our place for everyone else's benefit. Guilt helps us stay there for everyone else's needs.

I realise I get paralysed by the feeling of guilt. Everything I do seems to impact someone.

I went to my grandmothers funeral it was 22 years ago I probably should be over it. She wrote her own eulogy making sure she ignored myself and two other cousins. My crime was my parents divorced when I was 10 and I didn't visit as regular after, she lived miles away and I was living in homeless accommodation because her son (my dad) was abusive. This woman literally helped raise me up until this moment I was still a child. I had to sit through the service whilst I felt she stabbed a knife through me. I was 23 at this point with my own children. I will never be able to listen to wings beneath my wings again. She literally broke me.

To cut a long story short I’m 42 years old and over the last few months I’ve come to realise what an extremely dysfunctional childhood I had due to my mother’s behaviour. She made mine and my sister’s life so unhappy as children and teenagers and we both have ongoing issues due to the type of childhood we had.

My sister doesn’t really have much of a relationship with our mother whereas due to my circumstances she has very much remained an active part of my life.

However, over the last two years things have been getting more and more difficult being around her. I have found myself trying to suppress how I feel but alongside that I have also been gaining a whole new perspective on the kind of mother I have and what kind of person she is.

It came to a head 10 weeks ago and I cut contact because everything became too much and I just couldn’t cope with her moods and behaviour anymore.

In the last 10 weeks the only contact we have had is two text messages: one was about 4-5 weeks after the initial fall out, and the second time was today. Prior to the fall-out we would usually speak on the phone about 3 times a week as well as seeing her twice a week, so it’s been a drastic change.

I’ve been going to counselling for the last 6 weeks which has really helped me to unpick my childhood and it is also helping me to sort out all the confused feelings I have about my mother.

What I’m really struggling with though is how little I care about the fact she isn’t really in my life anymore. I want to feel guilty, I should feel guilty, but I don’t. I want to miss her, but I don’t. I feel nothing towards her except anger.

During the last 10 weeks she’s been saying quite nasty things about me to other family members, including telling outright lies about me to paint herself as the victim and me as the evil and unkind daughter.

Has anyone else ever been in this place of going NC, and wanting to feel guilty about it as “she’s my mother”, but actually not missing her presence at all.

I feel like such a bad person 😢

It's another reason to spend a bit of time alone when possible.

I would also not in any way accept someone saying things to deliberately make you feel that. They are manipulating you to stay serving their needs.

You are still here living each day. And it sounds like you have endured a significant amount.

It's incredibly difficult to accept what these people are. We carry on thinking their behaviour is a TRUE reflection of us. Until we start seeing it is ALL ON THEM. That itself is really tough because it means accepting a lie that you lived most your life, thinking they loved you normally.

Your grandmother sounds like an incredibly messed up woman, probably an awful enabler of her son and his abuse. They're dangerous people. How utterly cruel that you still think about this now. That says so much about who she was and how strong you are to have endured that.

Welcome to the thread @LondonLady1980

You're in good company. I went NC with my father decades ago and never saw him again. He died a couple of years ago. I never felt a shred of guilt. I felt nothing but relief, and tbh when I found out he had died I felt nothing. I've felt more upset going to the shop and finding they've run out of diet coke. He was awful and ditching him was a no brainer.

With my mother, it's complicated. We are very low contact. I haven't seen her yet this year, it's just the odd text message. A few weeks ago we had a conversation which I was really hurt by. She didn't intend to hurt me, but it was about something in my childhood (feeling v lonely and ignored as a teen, being in hindsight probably mentally quite unwell and no-one noticing). She confirmed that she'd had no idea. so not only did she not notice at the time, she's never looked back at that time and realised that something was wrong. I honestly don't know where we go from here.

I feel very guilty. I keep wondering if I should have just kept my mouth shut. I already knew that no one had noticed. I didn't need proof. I feel guilty that I feel hurt, like this is wrong. I feel like I shouldn't have talked about how I felt, as I know I'm just supposed to show what people want to see. And the thing that led to the conversation in the first place, where we had a difference of opinion, it cut deeply that her viewpoint didn't take me and my needs into consideration because I am invisible. As it ever was.

That's a long way of saying it's ok to feel what you feel, and it is a really complicated thing, especially when it's your mother.

Your situation is quite similar to mine.

Very close proximity to mother. Would see her very often physically and on phone. I have health challenges. Her behaviour became hideous and unhinged tbh as I get more unwell.

I went NC with older sibling over a year ago. Mother's unhinged behaviour escalation was linked to this. Trying to manipulate me and child back into it in very horrible ways.

It's about 5 weeks for me. No I feel zero guilt. And this is a fantastic signal how timely it is right now. We usually go through many phases and ups and downs so this has been in preparation in your mind for a while on some level. I imagine you've had a lifetime of guilt forced on you. Now your entire being is thinking ' FUCK THAT'. A whole lifetime of guilt. You've served her enough now. Time has clearly come for her and for you to focus all thoughts on you and your needs.

I remind myself of the hideous behaviour I have endured and deserved none of. Nor did you.
The smear campaign is appalling but we all suffer this when they get found out and we want to escape them.

I have flying monkeys in my sphere and that makes that part very difficult. There will always be some element of this for me as my own child will always be one unless they grow into adulthood and see it and care enough to stand against it.

It's great if you feel no guilt. Your mother deserves none of it. She has had a lifetime of all your energy. Now it's time you put that energy somewhere else.

Have you thought about the inheritance if there is any. I believe the greatest step forward is to let that go. Expect nothing. It is usually one of the big tools these people pull out when desperate.

OMG I really dislike narcs. I’m trying to communicate with my ex about something. He has replied with insults about me, then how it’s all woe him and listed all the struggles he has. We have resolved nothing. All I’ve done is repeat the same factual question.I reply simply we all have needs and struggles. His reply “I’m glad you struggle”. The father of our child to the mum of his child. They just can’t communicate at all.

What is it you're after from him @Happyfarm ? Specifically what is the Comms.
Grey rock communication is the ONLY way. Factual and no emotion.

Im trying to get him to comply with the court order. He just communicates like a 5 year old. I’ve no idea how to actually get a resolution out of him.

If it's that he is not seeing his child as agreed and you have to run round chasing him because he's getting out of time seeing her, then I would go straight to the child maintenance agency to adjust his payments. I'd be looking at how you follow up failure to comply.

I understand exactly how hard it is communicating with men like this. I struggle to take my own advice. But I know the right thing is to stop this dance with him. You comply or there are consequences. He needs to put his hand in his pocket.

I'm guessing that's the thing he's doing ( getting out of time with her). It's usually that.

If he is not complying with the court order
then I would contact the court. These types of men are not interested in communication and instead use the child to emotionally bash the mother with. It’s a form of power to them.

I’m not sure he is doing this. But you can’t reach any conversation with him if it’s not what he wants. Resorts to insults and bullying instead of being a grown up. He always talks about himself and his struggles, never any care for mine. (Obviously). I’ve asked him to adhere to pick up from school on a Friday. Instead of whenever he finished work from my house in the evening. It’s been years. I don’t like seeing him and Im fed up waiting around for him to come. He has claimed for years he can’t take time off to do this. But he’s had enough time to sort it.

What you describe him doing is exactly what @AttilaTheMeerkat said.

He should be picking her up from school. He chooses to pick her up from your house instead, and he does it because it makes life difficult for you, because you don't want it, because it enables him to keep the relationship going, because it winds you up.

He can organise his time, he is choosing not to because he knows what it does to you.

You are no longer together but he is still playing the game.

I would be contacting the court (or whichever third party is appropriate) and telling them he's breaking the terms of the agreement. He will never change his behaviour if the request is coming from you. So stop asking.

I know this is what this sort of abusive husband does. My father did it. They cannot let go.

I’ve never told him it bothers me. I get that with his line of work it is difficult but it’s one pick up out of 14, every other Friday and there’s 2 of them. I think he just sees me as deserving and I should be enabling him to provide for his family. Calls me lazy etc in msgs which used to get to me. His job is to provide financially and I’m deliberately hindering this. I hate that they live in a world where people are deliberately doing things to them. It’s about me wanting to have school pick ups, I’m not trying to piss him off out of revenge. Well this Friday we are away straight after school and I’ve said if he hasn’t arranged to collect she’s coming with us.

You do not need to say it out loud for him to know that it bothers you.

Narcs are experts at reading body language and knowing when they are having the desired effect.

Everything you describe just confirms that he's doing this to screw with you. He's being difficult on purpose because he enjoys it, and because he can spin a story that it's not him, it's you. Win win.

A leopard doesn't change it's spots just because you divorce them.

Really, it’s been 6 years. I just thought he was pissed off because it’s not going the way he wants and he’s entitled. Whatever, I won’t be home Friday so will be what will be.

Morning all, sorry to jump into a convo but I need a bit of advice. My parents are prone to stalking me and my family. In the last 5 weeks they have turned up at/hanging around near my son’s sporting event, when I asked why they were there I was met with anger. Two days later my father turned up at my house and put a card through my letterbox with money for my son. And now to why I need advice. Yesterday, my kids were playing soccer on our green next to our house with their friends when my father turned up and started talking to them. Bear in mind that I’m NC with all my family since March 24 and they haven’t spoken to, or seen my kids, in that time. My kids told me about this when they came home, my youngest said he didn’t recognise him. I’m just in shock at how insane and selfish this behaviour is, who the hell carries on like this? Should I write a letter advising them that I will be seeking legal advice if they can’t respect our boundaries and leave us alone? I’m in Ireland so don’t know what my rights are. I’m so embarrassed that I’m in a situation where I need to potentially report my parents or take action. They’re just such horrible, toxic people.

My toxic mum died recently and I feel like I’m not grieving the death (I feel relief in a way) but more the relationship we didn’t have. Is that normal?

I don’t regret our relationship - I did make an effort up to the very end but she was always so cruel to me. It hurts that the mother my siblings remember is so different to the one I had.

junebugalice

You could send a Solicitors letter but this is a response and that is what your parents want. To such disordered of thinking people this is the reward because they know they have you then.

Maintain radio silence. Do not further respond to any approaches they do.

pottylolly

I often advise people with toxic parents to grieve for the relationship they should have had rather than the one they actually got. I think what you are feeling is quite normal actually and I am sorry you were the scapegoat for her inherent ills. There is no right or wrong way to grieve.

How are your siblings towards you now?.

I haven't been on here for years, but am facing an imminent "now or never" moment, and could do with some perspectives.

I've been living out of the UK for 20 years, in part to keep my mother at a distance.

The last time I visited, 5 years ago, she was clearly getting a little demented and the filters were disintegrating. As a result she was awful 24/7, and losing the ability to control everyone, which I think added to the rage. I decided to go no contact, and haven't spoken to her since but have been an ear for my sibling who had never experienced this side of her before and has been the main whipping boy since then.

When I go back to the UK I'll see my brother, but not her, obviously. However, in talking to my psychologist, I said that I was really struggling with the idea that this would be my last opportunity to see her, if I wanted to. I am very clear that in general I think it wouldn't make sense, but I also know that the Hollywood effect means that at some level I feel it would be gracious and humane to make a short visit, but I'm a realist, and know that some kind of death bed resolution just isn't going to happen.

She's had a lot of falls, the dementia is def worse now (as in bad enough that she was sent for a scan and got a diagnosis from a neurologist), her eyesight is rapidly declining, and she keeps having a lot of falls.

She's just moved into a very fancy nursing home because they worked their way through all the agencies who could help with home stuff, and they all ended up declining to work with her. The last one actually asked if anyone had ever mentioned personality disorders.

My psychologist, who has known me for almost 20 years, said that, given what she knows of me, she thinks it would be a good idea for me to have a very short, structured visit. I value her opinion, obviously, and I can see why she would say that. I feel sorry for my mother in that, for anyone dealing with blindess, dementia, loss of control, I'd feel some compassion.

On the other hand, she's only just stopped making my brother's life hell about me abandoning her, and it took a really long time, after going nc, to really feel some peace about it all.

As is obvious, I still have a certain amount of therapy to deal with it all most years.

So, any words of wisdom? Especially from those who've had this conundrum?

I always hoped that she would go at a point where I wouldn't have to actively make a decision, but as I'm now visiting, and staying with my brother near where she is, it's become a real thing for me to churn over. I honestly can't an obvious answer either way, which is unlike me!

@SquirrelsAreGo That sounds really difficult.

Ive not been in your shoes but am NC with my family. I know with 100% certainty I never want to see them again no matter what.

What do you think you would gain from visiting her? If you go you might get closure, but with parents like all of ours on here, it is unlikely to be the closure you would like. It’s more likely to be lots of accusations and making you feel worse about yourself, and giving you another bad memory to deal with.

On the other hand, if you feel it’s the right thing to do, your closure might come from knowing you have done what you feel is right. Confirmation that you are above her nastiness.

Do you think she would recognise you if her dementia is advancing? Because that might make a difference too.

Only you can decide what you feel is best, but in your shoes I know I wouldn’t want to put myself through it.