May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

It might be best to go hard on this and totally remove the nail varnish. I know you're scared to do this. Because the meltdown will be huge and you don't want to upset her also.

I would personally hide my nail varnish. I would look online and buy kids nail varnish which I believe causes less mess and damage. I would have agreed days which are weekends. Never ever change this.

When you start changing things a little, this is when you get the problem. It's always only Saturday and Sunday and don't change it. You say that she wasn't following the agreed rules when she keeps asking. It will have to go entirely if she doesn't stop asking about it. ( I know she will based on my own child).

Because I have done it myself, I don't feel cruel telling you to start pulling up your big girl mum pants and stop letting your daughter dominate you like her puppet.

They can have excellent skills in manipulation and our personal back stories mean we have to learn as we go regarding boundary setting with our kids. Not your fault.

I see clearly your daughter will absolutely torment you if you don't show some more authority. I know with PDA we have to be low demand. That is not the same as really clear boundaries. She is making your life difficult with this nail varnish crap. That's enough reason to say no school time ever is it allowed. Weekends only. You will review it in a year. Now off you go and you face the consequences of people hating you in school if you treat them like that. What a manipulative thing to say. Don't take the bait.

Your daughter knows how lacking in love from people you feel. She knows how much you desire it. She is absolutely taking the piss because of it.

Got the T shirt!! 🙋

That's for @Happyfarm. I can't edit.

This is the thing I have been noticing with her. You can set firm boundaries together, which we have done but when she wants to she will find a way to grey them. I know most children are like this, they will push. But with her lack of empathy she will use things against you, especially if they work, and sometimes I do struggle with what she says. I know she doesn’t mean it, she just says it to see if it works. I worry about this. It feels like the potential start of something that could lead to disordered thinking. We don’t use people’s emotions as a tool to get what we want.

Hello! Hope you don't mind me posting, I think I'm in the right place?

My relationship with my mother has always been awful, but I recently had a major operation and had to stay with her for a few weeks as i had no o e else to help me. Home now and I feel like I need some therapy, I have no one to talk to about it.

I was bed bound for several days, and she kept coming in moaning at me about how awful it was to have to cut up a salad for me or change my dvt socks.

Every single time I spoke I could never get past one sentence before she spoke over me, ignored me, or replied with something completely unrelated. After a few days I just stopped trying to speak unless I was spoken to, as I was never heard.

She has told every single person she has met all the details of my illness and surgery. Even the people in the local shops.

She has been nasty to me my whole life, I can't ever remember thinking that she liked me, not even as a little kid.

She has told me she's embarrassed of me (I have tattoos), I'm also a single parent, and she doesn't know why I can't find a nice husband like all her friends daughters have. I have a job, two lovely daughters who I love, are happy, and I am kind to (unlike her), but no, I have and never will be good enough.

Several years ago I told my dad that I wasn't going to see my mum anymore as she is always unkind to me, but he said that they come as a package and if I did that I couldn't see him. I loved my dad, so I continued to see them, but less so.

My dad died a few years ago, and suddenly my mum decided that she will see me every Sunday, to fill her time. She never enjoys anything, I don't think she ever has. She thinks I am always stressed, but that is because I am always stressed when I see her. Just the thought of seeing her makes me stressed. So much complaining, and I am constantly judged on how shit I am.

I just don't know what to do anymore. If I don't see her I feel like a terrible daughter. My brother has no idea about how she behaves towards me, they do everything together, and she seems to enjoy seeing him. She has made him very reliant on her though, and he has no confidence at all.

I'm sorry for the long post, but i just need to get this out somewhere. I feel as though I have ptsd after staying with my mum! Of course, if I try to tell her how I feel I am over sensitive, imagining things, and she didn't do or say any of that. It's all my fault.

On a positive note, it was very eye opening to live with her again as an adult. I just kept imagining little CactusSammy growing up with constant negative messaging, and never being listened to and talked over. No wonder I grew up with zero self esteem!

If you read this, thank you 😊
And if you have any tips on navigating this I'd be grateful. As soon as my youngest is in uni I plan to move to a different town.

@CactusSammy you're in the right place. I have very very similar experience with significant health conditions and a child and being reliant and vulnerable. The behaviour you describe is typical.

She certainly sounds narcissistic and they don't like illness. Instead the bad behaviour will only worse towards you when you're weak and vulnerable like that.

In gradual preparation towards a better place for you, do you have any reliance on her financially? Or with childcare? Does she provide something that you will struggle without?

Thank you for replying 😊

She has put my weekly shop on her credit card a couple of times over the last 6 months, as my pay has reduced a lot due to being off work sick. I always pay her back before her bill comes in, but she does enjoy moaning at me about it every time I see her.

I should be well enough to return to work in a couple of weeks though, so things should improve financially for me then, and I am determined to not ask her for help again.

I only have my youngest at home now, and she'll be going to uni in a years time, so no help needed with childcare. Although she did help me with that when they were both younger, and use it as an opportunity to complain to them about me. She would also insist on meeting me from work with them in the buggy, to ensure that i didnt get a second to myself 😂

Thankfully they have grown up to see what she is really like, and neither of them really want to see her now. The youngest tells me that she doesn't feel that her gran likes her, which is a shame, but doesn't impact her in the same way that it does if its your own mother.

I guess the major thing is that she has a car and I don't. She has helped me a lot by taking me to hospital appointments while I've been unwell. And I am grateful, but everything she does for me means that she is entitled to an opinion on how crap i am, that she thinks I am obliged to hear. Financially I just can't afford to run a car at the moment, but now I'm a bit more mobile I'm planning to use public transport more.

My eldest daughter lives a few towns over, a short train ride away. She moved in with her boyfriend recently, as his job and family are there. She has suggested me moving there (which surprised me, as I didn't think she'd want her mum hanging around 😂), and also said that I need to get out before my mum starts getting frail and needs looking after, as her behaviour is only going to get worse. That's where I plan to go. Her boyfriend works in the same industry as me, so I could potentially find a job fairly easily.

My youngest won't want me to leave, as this house is all she's ever known as her home, but I think it's the right thing. I would try to get a 2 bed place if possible, so there's always a place for her.

I think the hardest thing to reconcile is that my mum can't see a problem with anything she says or does. It's so frustrating, as I have had many conversations with her over the years to try to resolve things, but the only conclusion she draws is that I'm over sensitive or imagining things. Seems the only option I'm left with is to just get away, and stop trying to explain my reasons.

I guess I just want a mum, but that is never going to happen.

Nope I’m sorry you won’t have the kind of mum you deserve to have. You’ve someone full of jealousy and when you need to rely on someone who’s happy you are vulnerable it’s just the worst. I feel like this is the position when the mask slips the most because they just know you are trapped. The only way around this is to try and not need them for anything, ever and not expect that they will see the light and some empathy will appear. Reality is awful, I’m sorry they are just full of hate and if you are a target for whatever twisted reason then it’s horrible.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup @Happyfarm

My head was in a bit of a mess with it all this morning.

Thanks for listening, and acknowledging how I feel. You've honestly helped me so much 😊

I’m sorry it’s awful, your mum is not your ally. It’s what we are programmed to believe and it is what it should be like. We’ve all been surviving an enemy since the day we were born.

@CactusSammy welcome to the thread. I hope you'll find it helpful. You will certainly find people who understand, and absolutely no-one who says 'but she's your mother . . .'

Happyfarm the bit I take from that argument was the bit she said she's going to be rude to all her friends now. I'm assuming this isn't arsehole behaviour as a way of punishing you. It sounds like she doesn't want to be rude to them but will be dysregulated due to the meltdown and unable to display appropriate behaviour. That's her main issue with being told no, from her perspective - the effect it has on her and the knock-on effect socially. So I'd have focused on fixing that, helped her feel calmer and more regulated. That teaches her life skills of what to do in similar situations and how to calm herself down enough that she's not rude to people. It also fixes the problem of the effect on her friendships, which is what she's concerned about.

Less ambiguity about the situation might help too. If you take it literally - saying she can have makeup on if she asks you first isn't accurate, it implies you'll agree, then she's frustrated when you don't. It's more accurate to say she can own makeup and wear it sometimes but only if you agree, so she has to ask first. It sets her up to expect a possible no.

A practical solution that isn't quite the same because there's no colour, but it might make her feel like she's doing beauty stuff and keep her happy that way, is get a nail buffer. You use them weekly (more than that and you'll make the nails too thin) to buff a shine on the nails. Over time it smoothes out the ridges and the shine is similar to wearing clear polish. They're only cheap. You'll need to ensure she doesn't use the nail file part on the nail surface though, to avoid damaging the nail.

From a personal perspective I'm unhappy with makeup on children so young. At 9 if she were mine she'd be limited to clear nail polish or the type of barely there translucent pale pink used for french manicure, plus clear and non-glittery lip gloss. That would be it until 13. I'd accept they'll use friends stuff at their houses, but they'd also know to remove it before they got home to avoid being in trouble. I don't think rules hurt. A 9 year old is very much a child and too young to grow up in that way IMO.

Why does she want it? If it's to feel more grown up and fit in with others doing beauty stuff I'd get her some skincare. Basic face wash and moisturizer, weekly hair mask, delicious smelling bubble bath. Approach it from a self-care perspective and not from the perspective of external validation that makeup can sometimes bring and users of it can be seeking. She is maybe just innocently playing around with colours, but I'd be concerned about the possibility of a 9yr old developing thoughts that she's not pretty unless she's wearing makeup.

Cactus my tip to tackle it is to start thinking what do you want.

Are you still seeing her Sunday's? Imagine if you picked a friend or work colleague and announced you'd be seeing them every Saturday from now on because you're bored. And whilst there visiting all you did was complain about your mum visiting Sunday.

Shocking, right?! You'd never do that to someone. Well, you're "someone" too and it's not alright for your mum to do this to you. How often do you want to see her? Sounds like it's never. That's ok, you know. You can decide that and act on it, if you want.

Your dad was a manipulative arse who didn't deserve your love. Imagine using emotional blackmail to get one of your daughters to see a father they didn't like and who treated them badly. You'd never do that to them and it's not ok your dad did it to you. He's not even here any more, so no need to even worry about pissing him off if you don't comply with his emotional blackmail any more.

She wants it because she likes it. I don’t wear nail polish and limited make up. Her dad is in the beauty industry and his gf wears a lot. It maybe from that side. Her friends have it on for parties. I don’t mind experimenting for parties but if it’s going to cause this much conflict I don’t want it at all. I’m not a massive fan anyway.

What worries me is that her dad is pushing her visually. She is very pretty (not being biased, she really is). She will come home talking about her lips and her brows and her skin colour. I dislike this a lot.

It's easy for someone to tell you here what's happening, but coming to terms with it is another story. I appreciate I might make it sound easier than I know it is to do emotionally.

They really don't change. They will adapt behaviour if they want something or are forced but never will it be because she recognises the adult thing to do is be accountable for treating you so appallingly.

The most common phrases people who are abusive use include ' you are too sensitive ' , ' you are over reacting '. There is no need to use these phrases. What a person who cares says is - ' I am sorry I caused you to feel like that ' ' I didn't realise that hurt you but I hear you and I am sorry. ' If they really don't get it, then they say ' Ok, tell me more, explain it to me. I don't want to make you feel like that '. When I started setting boundaries with my one I'd say in reply to ' you're so sensitive ' - 'no, not at all. If someone I love and care for asked me to stop doing something they found hurtful, I would stop it. '

She shut up after that and didn't ever say that to me again. I'm not contact now as they don't change who they are and as a vulnerable person with my health, she's dangerous.

No accountability is what your mum is doing, and on top of that she's gaslighting you.

It's a good idea to get away and I really would consider what your eldest said. I'm sure you will respect her space and time and not smother her as your own mum might do to you.

Your youngest will be fine. It's better that than watching gran emotionally abuse their mum and then seeing you as her carer in a few years. No way.

Money is used as ultimate power and control over you. My mums favourite tool. Almost throwing it at you as so to create a dependency. You will feel significantly stronger if you get to a place where you don't ever go to her for anything, especially money.

I'd find another way to hospital. I have driven myself as emergencies whilst vomiting with severe bowel emergencies. She's a few doors away and fit and in her 60s. Yet she never wanted to help and it started to kill me when I'd be on my knees crying in a real physical emergency and she would just try get away. Walked over me on the floor once as I waited for an ambulance. If a neighbour has seen we would get a sickening performance pretending she was caring and she'd drive then.

Stop asking her. You can find another way there.

The plan that could really help is gradually start implementing these things. Take away any power or anything you rely on her for bit by bit.

Her behaviour towards you is absolutely appalling. You don't deserve any of it. She will prolong your physical health recovery and make you sicker. It's a known effect of this type of abuse. It impacts our physical bodies.

I'm so sorry you have had to go through all of that @Pleaseshutthefuckup

You have given me really good advice, and I have a lot to think about. You are right that I do need to make a plan and start implementing it.

I feel as though I have drifted through my life really, I guess I never made a plan or took charge as I have always believed deep down that I would never amount to much anyway.

But you are absolutely right, and I'm going to start implementing things right away so I don't need to rely on her anymore.

I had pretty much made peace with the situation and accepted how things are with my mum, but when my dad died I just felt so guilty that she was on her own, and it all went downhill from there. But I'm determined to get strong again. Thank you 😊

CactusSammy she doesn't deserve you looking after her, she's been horrible to you and she can reap what she's sown, nothing.

No she doesn’t deserve it but it’s a testament to cactus if she does want to look after her mum in some way. We are human and it’s human to feel the need to care for someone when they are unwell. Don’t let them make you hard. My mum cared for her dad although there was no love lost and she didn’t cry when he passed. She got a lot of help in but she was at peace with self when he finally passed. That is what you need to figure out. What can YOU live with. It’s hard to not act in spite of, this is still acting out of character. But I think in order to do this a high level of acceptance must be met and some armour created.

Does anyone else just not feel good enough in relationships?

I can’t work out where the problem is, me or them? I’ve had problems with my mum, my ex, my in-laws and I sense a problem with my partner really. I am ND, I do find relationships challenging when they aren’t simple and easy to read. None of these people make the real me feel comfortable. For example I jump at sudden noises, my FIL laughs, he makes sexist jokes and put downs about gay people, women and even people faking being ND for attention. My MIL unresponsive to emotional cues. Ex a bully. My partner eye rolls me for example when I forget things. He says I’m overly hormonal or sensitive. I can’t see that much wrong with me, yeah I’m a sensitive person, but I don’t cry, I just get overwhelmed at times . But I can’t help think this overwhelm is because I’m not being treated right. For example I have 2 children all the time and in the evening when I want time for myself it’s an issue. I need that time tho because I’m touched out, demanded out. I can’t help this. I always feel like I’m an issue for people.

Sorry I’m just feeling a little sad. Friend got proposed to, been together less then me and partner. He is clearly very much in love with her, I’m happy for them. I don’t have this, mine not said he loves me in 5 years. Never any outwardly expressions of this, he is ND. I never feel wanted really.

@Happyfarm it's not you. It is absolutely NOT YOU.

What is actually happening is a pattern wherein you have been trained/ brainwashed into a way of relating to people. Then you end up attracting or going for people that are familiar to the treatment in childhood for the rest of your life. And you don't realise because there's 4 to 5 people all telling you you're the problem. And of course you believe it. We do go for partners that somehow reflect something in childhood; usually the dynamic with one of our parents.

What is truth however is that you are surrounded by people who are 5 year olds in an adult body, who have narcissistic behaviours, who all need to get a bloody grip of themselves and grow the fuck up. Every single one of them in your periphery. You are a magnet to similar types of people until you're way along the path to realisation and healing. We all are unfortunately.

I too have a number of problematic people. I always thought it must be me because they all agree I'm too sensitive etcetc. Well actually, I realise with total clarity that I have developed relationships with people that mimic patterns from childhood. My ex does things like my mum. A long standing friend I now see the same dynamic. I have always been a people pleaser and have always put others needs as a priority almost pathologically.

I have loved this last month. Telling people no,I don't think so. Saying what I feel. Feeling and sensing disrespect etc immediately and responding immediately now with absolute confidence.

Having my sibling and now mum out of contact has enabled this. I have never felt so good about myself all my life.

What in fact I've seen most clearly is what I do in relationships with people. How afraid I have been to lose people. Now, I love being strong and firm and unrelenting and I love this so much that I am loving being with just me right now. Love it.

I have dragged myself off my sofa, I have stopped thinking about other people and doing what I want. I've achieved more physically than I have in 2 years this last month despite being so poorly. It is because I have fucked them off and cut the contact off.

You have to have distance from them. You, like me, are swamped by them and are isolated. It makes it hard because you're the different one and they'll all gang up on you. They all need you as the emotional dumpster for their own shit. They can slag you off rather than look at their appalling selves.

I'd look at some way to get away from your partner for a weekend because I believe you're going to see more that you just aren't happy with. His family sound gross. I know you don't feel comfortable going away yet is there any possibility of trying something alone. A drive to the sea listening to music. Anything, alone. They are like a virus that effects your clarity of mind. They'll all be gaslighting you I'm sure.

There are 4 in my sphere somewhat atm and they're all telling themselves I'm this huge problem. I don't believe one single word of it. You need to be away from them physically more and more to get this clarity.

As for relationships - I adore being single. It's such joy. I feel bad for people in relationships. Only because I'd hate that personally. You need to really spend time with you doing those things you enjoy doing. Just for you.

I don't wish any unhappiness for people, especially your friend.....but, in a few years at the most, she will be washing his pants, ironing his socks and on some level her spirit will be saying 'is this it?'.

I’m not sure about this. She has probably married someone who is emotionally much more mature than this. I just like you said seem to attract them. I want a man who I don’t have to hide parts of myself from. I’m in a position now where I realise I do this but I’m
also running out of energy to mask. Also because I have a daughter who’s going through the process of adhd referral how can I tell her to love herself and not hide herself when I do the exact thing myself. I feel like a hypocrite! I also don’t think it right for me to have to hide for others.

I feel bad and I should add that my partner isn’t a bad man. He doesn’t shout etc and he helps a lot, washing, shopping, cooking. He is physically a good man. But he is very clearly Autistic. Rigid in his thinking, special interests and my biggest issue is the lack of emotional connection we seem to have.

"I feel as though I have drifted through my life really, I guess I never made a plan or took charge as I have always believed deep down that I would never amount to much anyway".

Your parents trained and otherwise conditioned you from a very young age to feel like that; feeling weak and powerless. That is what they want and that is of their doing. Read Will I ever be good enough? by Karyl Mcbride and look at Dr Ramani's content on Youtube.

People like your mother enjoy what she is doing to you; it gives them power and control in terms of narc supply. It is not possible to have a relationship with a narcissist because they are so very disordered of thinking.

Dr Ramani has been the greatest educator for me. She is such a warm person with wonderful insight.
She has and does live this experience so she understands it.

Only people who have first hand experience ever understand this imo. I realise my own counsellor of many years too has lived this.

I'm enjoying watching Joe Dispenza atm. I do now believe the epigenetic theory regarding exposure to these abusive relationships and illness. It's difficult to accept the fact we can actually be addicted. If we didn't have these mother fuckers our mind ( for some of us) would somehow go seek the familiarity of another Cuntfuck. I have to accept personal responsibility for the fact my brain really is addicted and it's so hard sometimes to go to another place and not think about them and all the hurt.

This is what I hate about being so chronically sick. You're stuck with your thoughts so often.

Arghh why do I feel so guilty doing nice things for myself. I get terrible mum guilt not including my kids. Like I’m supposed to enjoy life only with them. I know people who go away and have fantastic holidays without their kids and don’t seem to feel guilty at all. Are we programmed to feel guilt all the bloody time?