May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

That's really useful, I will read that article.

Yeah Im not sure in my case which came first. I suspect ADHD then trauma and probably c-ptsd. From my earliest memories I’ve had issues. Skin picking, delayed speech, issues with walking up stairs and reading. When I walk up stairs I trip because my brain can’t make my legs lift at the right time, when I read I can’t can’t get my eyes to focus on one spot, they all over the place, when I talk my mouth can’t keep up so in sometimes stutter. I don’t think they are trauma related.

Since everyone died 🎉 and I've expunged monster ex sister I'm noticing sensory processing problems more and more. There's so many things that I have to make adaptations for myself. Spatial stuff I'm truly hopeless and with sound i can hear it but it takes me a split second longer than normal people to decode the direction and identify it. I miss the ends of sentences too, it's really embarrassing, it's noticeable I think. If I'm on the phone i have to stare at a blank wall to be able to hear and decode. Why is it so much more noticeable now that the threat has gone?

That is me also. My ADHD symptoms have been so much more profound since leaving my marriage. I think it’s due to masking, it sends you into over drive but it is not sustainable so makes you ill eventually. I was also so fixed on him that I never stood still long enough to take on board how I was feeling. I just used to push and ignore and pretend and mask subconsciously. The real me is less perfection then I was forced to project. I’m much more disabled then I’ve really given myself credit for, it feels weird to accept I’m not as able as I think I am.

https://childrenofnarcissists.org.uk/effects-on-children-narcissistic-personality-disorder/

I thought people might find this website interesting, it's very focussed on children of narc parents (both as children and as they get older)

This is tough and your friend is so lucky, and yet it should be normal. Like you, I can't imagine my mother being friendly towards me. Like having good intentions towards me and me not having to make sure I don't do anything that would make her think I compete with her or she'd feel threatened by, for example. How bizzare.

Good job you are keeping your kids away. They are lucky too to have a cycle breaker as a mum.

If you take away the mask what is underneath the narc? Is it actually somebody that in reality you’d feel very sorry for? Can they actually be fixed if they went to therapy? My ex reeled off the abuse his father did to him and has mum with no issues. He even used it to manipulate me. Are they just permanently lost? I remember he would talk about the abuse he suffered and he seemed to like me reacting by getting upset for him. For example his dad putting a gun in his mouth. He wasn’t bothered but I was.

I have kept my mother away from my kids too. Didn't start out that way. She was all over the eldest like a rash, and at the time I still hadn't grasped all of it so if my mother wanted to see DD, then I made it happen. She went on holiday with them and all sorts of stuff that I wasn't entirely comfortable with but didn't want to say no to in case I hurt anyone's feelings. There was a weird competitive streak to it and in hindsight I can see that my mother tried very hard to try and make DD prefer her to me. I feel also (and this is ick) that there was a bit of a thing going on where my mother was playing a game of what it would have been like if she and my stepfather had had a baby. Then I had a second child and there was zero interest in him, and I mean zero. By that time we'd started to get really very uncomfortable with DD staying with them anyway. It all fell apart when my mother started pressuring me to take DD out of school because she wanted to take her on holiday. I said no, but you could take DS (who they had never taken). She laughed in my face. 'Oh, I don't think so.' I quietly withdrew the kids after that. DD didn't go and stay with them again. I just had this image of 5 years down the road, DS asking why he was never invited. He still doesn't know what happened. But even years afterwards, my mother would simperingly say 'why don't you send DD to us?' to try and get DD to go and stay with them, and she would say it like she could offer something really special, like it would be a life changing experience. 'I just used to look her and think 'why would I do that? And why would DD want to? All you do is get drunk. The last time I brought the kids to stay with you, you were furious at them the whole time and did nothing but bitch about it.' DS was never invited, not once. The funny thing is, DD can't stand her. DS at least manages to be polite and make small talk, DD just hides.
She barely knows either of them now, doesn't even try to engage. They are strangers.

Thank you @Twatalert
That sounds so hard @Crazysnakes

My DM has a tendency to shower my kids with thoughtless plastic shite and sweets to make them like her. She has asked for 121 time with them and I have said no. She phoned me once saying she was outside their nursery and could she pick them up for me. I found it so intrusive. Thankfully I had already collected them.
I overheard her talking to my youngest recently saying "one day you can come stay with me". No! I will not let you put your poisonous thoughts into their young minds.
Her house is incredibly unsafe too. It is unclean, a huge mess, there are prescription meds in their packets randomly on the floor, multiple fire hazards and she leaves her doors unlocked at all times. Not one meagre attempt at making it child friendly. Kinda glad as it gives me an excuse (not that I need one).
My sibling DOES let her kids stay there, which makes it harder and easier for her to make me feel guilty.

I treat my pets better than my mother treated me. I always wonder if they are happy. I would never do anything I know they don't like, as opposed to my mother who enjoyed seeing my pain. I speak to them in a way my mother never spoke to me. It's out of love and so easy. I don't make them do anything, like not make them eat a certain food and refuse to give them something they actually like until they have eaten that food.

My mother was a total idiot to my childhood cats. In hindsight I know she hated them because I and my father gave them lots of attention. So yeah she got jealous of cats and took it out on them.

Alot of your stories and examples are so familiar to me.

I now don't think I miss a loving mum. I think more; what's it like not to be afraid, every fucking moment of what that fucker could do- assisted by multiple Flying Monkeys. That is the focus of my thoughts.

I think - is it possible I wouldn't be so sick and disabled without all them. Yes, I think so.

Ref Gkids. My child has been groomed and it's very very difficult as a teenager now to break that. I enabled it not realising in full consciousness how utterly messed up everything was.

It's been a while since physical contact or any communication with the 2 problems in my life and it feels so so weird and freeing.

Despite the physical health predicament I'm in and it's dire most days with my impairments and limitations... I somehow spent the last few days learning my favourite The Cure songs on the guitar, learnt 3, sing them too. What joy. No coincidence I now see very clearly.

This is what happens when you fuck them right off out your life.

SWEARING TRIGGER WARNING -

Brilliant article. It makes me so fucking angry. I'm ok to be angry today. This anger is excellent because it is reminding me how hideous these people are and have been for me and that I must do everything to keep them out of my life 🙏

One thing that resonated a great deal was ref the traumatic bond and being rewarded for behaviour where you're weak and dependant. Wow. This is me.

I have been very infantalised and like a child in adulthood in the dynamic with my mum. My sibling, in their 50s is severely infantile in relationship with her. It's disgusting.

I felt I was wanted and loved when the shit hit the fan and I was helpless and calling out for help. That is when I got love and attention. My lifelong friend - the same dynamic with me as weak and them saving me and all ok as long as I'm in that position. Otherwise,a hell of alot of passive aggression, rejection, insults hidden as ' jokes'.

I only now realise that this perpetuates a learned helplessness. I have felt all my life that I'd die when my mum did. I can't believe what I'm realising this last year. It's like coming out of a life in a fucking lunatic asylum. For the first time in my entire life, I genuinely wholeheartedly feel significantly better completely detached from them and I don't feel afraid at all ref surviving without them. They have never ever been there in a positive way my entire life. I just didn't realise. Because they were always ' there' - but it has only been as a virus.

Thankyou.

This resonates so much. I have so much love for animals. I have such a bond with most creatures and give more compassion and love to the bloody spiders in my lavvy than what I got.

Mine is a sneaky performative fuck though so if we had an audience or witness, you'd never believe this about her. That is what makes her so dangerous emotionally for me.

You described precisely my life. I too used to have a sense that I will not be able to exist without any of my parents, even though I knew deep down they treated me poorly and every few years I had thoughts of escaping.

They infantilised me no end, but I didn't know or understand. When I started uni they made a big hoohaa about me needing to call them as soon as I got to my accommodation after a weekend visit. It was a 45min train journey and then a 10min tram ride. I hated it. As soon as I called it would be 'oh thank god you arrived safely' as if I had been to afghanistan and back. It was really, really unsettling and I got very nervous when the train was delayed by 10 mins or so because I thought they'd think I had been kidnapped and killed, which may not be far from the truth. And yet, 5 years prior they showed ZERO concern when I felt suicidal, self harmed etc. It was SO confusing.

They didn't trust me with the simplest of tasks. To this day I think I CANNOT FUCKING DEAL WITH THIS when something in my apartment breaks and I would attempt to fix it or deal with a tradesman. To me it feels as though I am about to become homeless. It is very bizzare and irrational. Or just when something does not go as planned. I basically don't trust that I am an adult and will find a way and I will also not be in trouble for 'doing it wrong'. I have a feeling of dread before starting anything, it completely sucked the joy out of my life, and I now know it is because of them and how they treated me. It's very abusive.

I had an argument with my daughter this morning if anyone has any advice on how to navigate this. She is allowed makeup only if she asks me first to apply it (she is 9 with an ND). The only trouble is she won’t ask me. She put nail varnish on again this morning (school day). I asked her to take it off, it’s not allowed at school. I then said I was going to keep the make up in a box in my room because she won’t keep to the deal of asking me if she can put it on. Caused a massive melt down. She says she won’t ask me because I always say no. I am supposed to make her feel happy and all I do is make her un-happy. Then she said now I’m going to go to school and be rude to all my friends because of you, why can’t you just make me happy. I tried to explain that she can’t just have free rein because she can’t take the fact I have to say no sometimes.

@Happyfarm

I would have a clear rule, makeup is allowed friday after school/weekends but not on school days, then she knows where she is and when you'll say yes. This rule is for both of you, it's fair, and it means you don't have to constantly negotiate it.

If she can't stick to this without support, then the makeup is kept out of reach during the week. The answer is always no if she asks during this time. Don't justify, just restate the rule. Weekends only, friday after school, school holidays. Remind her 'you can wear it on Friday, it's only 2 days' or whatever. When she sticks to the rule (with or without help) then reward in school holidays with 1 new makeup item of her choice.

As for the comment about being mean to her friends, in this house that would have got a very sharp reprimand. I would have said clearly that treating other people badly is unacceptable, that treating friends badly makes you a bad friend, and that she alone is responsible for her choices. We don't blame other people for our own bad behaviour. That done, we would have moved on and it wouldn't have been mentioned again.

We’ve set the conditions many times over make up. It was non uniform day today so that meant to her she could wear it. I would have had no issue but she needs to ask first. It is the only rule I have over the make up. I find her reaction very triggering. I am responsible for the consequences of saying no to her. She started kicking the door, refused to get ready for school all whilst screaming it’s my fault, I make her like this.

Why does she need to ask on a day when the rule is that it's allowed?

If it's an 'allowed' day, I would have the conversation the night before, and I would suggest that you should be the one to raise it, as you already know she wants to wear it.

'It's non uniform tomorrow so you can wear makeup/nail polish if you like'

Then the next morning, there's no drama when everyone is pressured for time anyway, it gives her some autonomy, it makes it a positive interaction.

Because the rule of nail varnish is to tell me if you are going to apply it. It’s all over the carpet and the sink. The rule is she tells me, I either help her or set up an area. Instead she does it then wipes it off on things so she isn’t caught. Really I should just keep hold of the box of it.

We have issues with her taking things that aren’t hers. If she’d ask the person may give it willingly. But she doesn’t want the answer to be no so she takes it. She is trying to control her problem with the no by taking it in her own hands. Same with make up. She tells me to my face I do it behind your back because I don’t want to be told no. Silly this is a lot of the time it would be yes.

Yes, put it out of reach, and then plan in advance because it's a job for both of you. If you have planned in advance then you know in your head that it's on the list, which means she's less likely to ask at a bad time and you are less likely to say no. But I think you need to take the lead on the when rather that put the responsibility on her, because she's not mature enough to understand when is a good time.

It is my fault a lot of the time. She shouts at me this morning why do you even give me things if I can’t use them when I want. In my head I give her things because I love her and I trust we have a relationship where there’s an understanding on both sides, but there isn’t.

Love, she's 9. She's just a baby. She's not ready for the relationship you are describing, where there is understanding on both sides. Her brain isn't developed enough. What she needs is to have clear rules and clear plans, and she needs to be able to trust you to also stick to the rules and follow the plans.

I would maybe have a conversation with her after school today where you work out a plan for the nail polish and makeup. Maybe even put it on the kitchen calendar, if you've got one. I would say that the current way of doing things isn't working for either of you, because it ends up with an argument, and that's not nice for anyone. Then pick a day/time when you'll be doing it. So maybe friday at 4.30, do nails, and make sure she knows her job - choose a colour, put stuff on table etc, and you be there ready and waiting to help etc. Saturday at 9 every week, makeup is done. However it will work best in your house. So you both know when it's going to be done, and she knows that it IS going to happen. Path of least resistance and stress.

Probably right. I just try and give her as much control as possible because she is demand avoidant but sometimes it just back fires. I’m probably too soft because she tells me I don’t love her all the time and it’s simply not true. Every time she can’t have something or go somewhere she says I don’t love her. I’m not like everyone else’s mum. It’s rubbish as everyone’s house has rules. I think the make up has to go. I brought a large lock up make up box but she screamed about it. It’s just going to have to go in it because it’s causing conflict and confusion.