May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Stop looking for proof of either side of the pendulum. Proof they are bad or proof your are or are not lovable. You are lovable and always were lovable. As for the rest it’s out of your control now. Your lovableness has to come from yourself. These people don’t love you, or anyone, you won’t find any proof of anything in their actions.

OMG I am feeling very sorry for myself today. Must be tired. Apologies everyone.

Go put Barbie girl on loud and have a dance….trust me it works!

I wonder if that is the core of narcissism. Looking for proof of your value externally, in supporters and possessions? I have definitely had this trait in the past having no internal values given to me. I was a bit narcissistic then in a less malicious way?

I don't think it's healthy, certainly, to hook all your value onto external things, but I don't think it's necessarily narcissism. I think feeling your self esteem sting when your family is problematic is normal. A little bit of hooking is OK. We're social animals, we don't live in a vacuum, of course our interactions with others will affect us. It helps us moderate our behaviour, rein in some tendencies, lean into others. This is good. It helps us live with other people in a peaceful way.

I think problematic narcissism is far more extreme than this. It's when the individual is in competition with the rest of the world all the time, and only sees people and things in terms of the value they can add. It seems to be a self esteem problem as I understand it, but it involves inflicting harm on others in order to be comfortable with yourself.

Not everyone with low self esteem does this. I've got low self esteem, I'm aware of it and working on it, and TBH given my life it would be quite surprising if I didn't have low self esteem. I've had more than my fair share of kicks. But I am trying to fix it as a problem in me where I have incorrect thinking.

All narcs have low self esteem, not everyone with low self esteem is a narc

Yeah I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone. I don’t see people as possessions, I’ve too much empathy to behave in that way. I guess it’s sometimes learned behaviour. You wear it for a bit but don’t like the fit.

happyfarm Has anyone found themselves to be quite different when not in survival mode

YES!!!!

I've been trying to work out what's wrong with me (now 🤣)

I feel like an aeroplane in a landing pattern, just..... marking my place?

cheekysnake From your description I see your mum as supremely self interested. It's all about her, her survival. Which is odd combined with her apparently weak ego. By weak ego I mean the pattern of adopting others' interests. My mum had the supreme self survival thing, she would flip allegiance to whoever would service her best and utterly discard and denigrate the previous object. It was so transparent, really pathetic. But hers was coupled with insanely high ego and self esteem. Both M&D would throw us under the bus for their ease and comfort. For instance, wanting stolen things without doing the stealing. DESPITE HAVING ENOUGH MONEY.

You owe her zero cheekysnake she's a user.

I copied and paste this. I thought it made good sense. They just don’t have the ability to do relationships. I’m not going to lie, I find relationships difficult also. Being raised by a person who doesn’t do relationships definitely takes its toll. I’ve not always been emotionally available either. I had no clue to look for this connection in my husband or total natural ability to give it to my children. It all takes conscious effort. Its a language quite alien to me but I know how important it is. Life is all about emotional connections. Imagine having to navigate life with zero ability to do this.

Lacking a stable sense of self and empathetic connection with those around them, narcissists are emotionally alienated from themselves and others. Their basic distrust leads them to avoid vulnerability, which they regard as weakness, and view relationships as struggles for dominance and control rather than opportunities for interpersonal growth and intimacy.

Ignore the link. Not sure why it posted that.

I'm having a rough day. I keep trying to imagine what it would be like to feel loved by your mother. Like just knowing your mother loves you without really thinking about it. I wonder what it is like to just be able to call your mum and there won't be any games or egg shells. What's it like to have a mum accepting you and having an interest? Do people get a warm fuzzy feeling after speaking to their mum?

I get it. The other day I thought to myself I have never ever felt better after seeing or speaking to my mother. I can’t remember ever having had a good time with her. She is someone I never miss or wish to see. Just someone I endure. Which is very sad. She’s never been a comfort to me or someone I could turn to for help. If I’d had that it would have been life changing.

Yes. I understand everything you say. I deluded myself many years, thinking we had some good times together but the fear was always there and I didn't know one could live without that fear. I didn't know other people may not have this fear. I'm repulsed by her. The better I get and the more I learn 'normal' the more repulsed I am.

I'm sorry you're having a sad day, I think you sound like a great person and I'm very touched by how much you care about your niece. I like you and think you're a valuable person who deserved to be loved and protected. There's no upside for you but for others it's made you a deep thinker who acts with consideration. We all deserved so much more.

I reckon life would feel softer and emotionally easier. I knew a couple of women raised by their dads, no abuse just mums passes away. They did also struggle a little because I do believe mums and dads have different strengths. My MILs mum died when she was about 5. I think it’s part of the reason she has little emotional connection. Her dad was a very intelligent logical man, not a lot of warmth but lots of intelligence. I believe your mum should be your warmth.

I have had this conversation between a friend and I. She is extremely close to her mum, they are best friends and her mum visits every single day and helps with the children/house etc. My friends mind is blown when I said I have never let my mum look after my children with or without me there. She can't imagine a world without her mum as her best friend, I can't imagine a world with my mum as even just a friend !!

I don’t even think the not having a mum is the only issue. It’s the knock on effect this has on all relationships in your life. It teaches you that emotional connection is a threat, it feels weird. There are no relationships without emotional connection so it pretty much f’s up everything. You crave literally what you can’t do/afraid to do. I’ve made a few friends the past year or so. We chat about struggles about good and bad and it’s made me feel more alive. This is what connecting does, it makes life better, more manageable. A problem shared etc. No wonder life is hard when you not given this gift.

I think it would be nice just to enjoy her company. To spend a pleasant hour chatting over coffee and talking about nice things, and to come away feeling uplifted and calm. That's not what actually happens, though. I sit there feeling like I'm wearing a full body steel corset and she switches between negative gossip about celebrities and ranting about politics and how stupid people are. She'd also complain that the coffee was too expensive after telling me that she's just paid for X for one of the siblings. I am sure some people could let this slide off them and not feel it, but I always come away feeling miserable and crushed. My DH has commented in the past that she's not very kind to me and now I've seen it, i can't unsee it.

I could never turn to her for help, I've learned that lesson the hard way. Plus she in many ways made herself unavailable anyway. I think she thinks that she loves me but her behaviour says something very different. I'm not useful to her.
Although there are obviously issues from childhood, a lot of the difficulty I have with her now stems from how she's behaved in my adulthood, because that's been pretty awful TBH.

It makes it hard to trust people, I think, and to trust your own judgement in relationships.

Relationships must be easy for those who don’t have to analyse the shit out of them! 😂 Half the time I can’t be bothered with the stress it causes me trying to figure it all out. I don’t think they are supposed to be so complicated!

My mother is weird. She'd intrude on minor things where no help was needed, such as putting away the dishes or shadowing me when I warmed up lunch for my niece in the microwave, but when I needed her when I was suicidal, self harmed or just wanted to talk about something she was absent.

She made a big deal of food, so I learnt that when she gave or bought me something delicious she loved me. I know now that she used food to control me. I can't remember anything else where I thought she might love me. I always, always had this horrible gut feel which I ignored so many years.

I can see now how deranged she is. How she's not operating like a normal person. I'm glad I am out, but I experience another wave of grief for what I never had or have lost. For the opportunities I did not have because I spent 30 years just trying to survive. I feel like I am behind socially. I used to fake it, but I stopped and I realise I don't know who I am in these situations. I am like a toddler learning to talk and make conversation as myself and not my fake self. It's like everyone else knows how to behave and can read the room and connect and I don't. I'm trying to figure out what the secret is. How they do it. It feels like I have just landed from another planet which I guess is the case if you come from a family like that.

You are not alone in this feeling. I have no clue either and must look a right awkward idiot.

@Twatalert I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry. You didn't get what you needed or deserved, and that's crappy and unfair. I often feel that I missed on certain rites of passage, socially, especially as a teenager, and that it's meant I don't have a full set of properly functioning social skills now.

'feeling like an alien' is a thing, linked to not getting the right emotional training in childhood.

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/childhood-emotional-neglect/202402/why-some-people-feel-like-outsiders-even-when-theyre-not

I was reading something yesterday (I will see if I can find it) about being raised by a parent with a personality disorder which really resonated with me. It was about how there is no intervention to support these parents with the aim of limiting the damage they do to their children, and there should be.

It's why I thought I might be autistic, amongst other symptoms which I attribute to cptsd now rather than autism.