May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I have total memory loss from age 16 and below. Nothing really major trauma wise happened to me. I am not able to retain information now either and I don’t feel myself in photos (if that makes sense). I was worried about what was wrong with me for a while. This is what I was told. I have ADHD which means that my brain process information at such quantity and such speed that it’s not retained long enough for an imprint to form. Because of the ADHD sensory issues my brain thinks everyday is traumatic, just being is overwhelming for my brain so information is passed through so quickly and deamed harmful so the brain protects itself by not retaining. I think this is the same with c-ptsd. So not only does my ADHD brain wizz through thoughts it’s also learned to protect itself from the harm of my thoughts by not retaining them. I think it’s bloody amazing what we are capable of doing to protect us. (It’s also annoying as I remember nothing lol)

The rubbish thing is that because I’ve not retained the memory and the feeling together I’ve become unwell. I’ve not known why I’ve become ill because my brain has allowed me to stay in situations that were actually harmful for too long. It may have not retained the memory but my body has felt the pain.

Wow a lot of this makes total sense to me, I also have ADHD and hadn’t thought about the link with the lack of memory

Although it bothers me I feel better knowing it’s simple wiring and I’m not literally mental lol.

Thank you so much for your reply. Being blamed for it has been such a weight to bare honestly. I think over time I’ve started to blame myself less but I still do to some degree I’ve just learned to live with it

Thank you for your reply it has really helped me. I too have been in counselling for years although haven’t been for a while. If it were free id go every week just to keep my thoughts straight

spendysis I have danced around nhs talking therapies in the past. By which I mean gone through the telephone assessment and then not taken it forward. From the assessment I realised that just explaining it all to someone for an hour actually helped me. Personally I want help when I want it and not on Tuesdays at 4pm when I might actually be feeling great and not thinking about it. So, for me, I occasionally phone the Samaritans and ramble for an hour and then I feel much better. But I've heard lots of people find therapy very useful.

I have an appointment tomo with the gp for my daughter for the right to choose option of getting a diagnosis with her adhd. Does anyone know if she needs to come with me? I really don’t feel comfortable talking about her in such a way with her present.

She doesn't need to go with you as far as I'm aware.

If she isn't diagnosed with anything as yet, I'd ask about Autism assessment. I don't think they do a combined assessment but I might be wrong. Often Autism is the driver for alot of issues that set off ADHD. The 2 being highly comorbid.

Whatever the focus tomorrow, Autism or ADHD, the most important advice I can give you is to be assertive. Be polite and assertive leaving no room at all for your doubt that she needs assessment.

GPs will certainly be encouraged to not refer atm if they feel there may be other reasons. They don't understand Neurodivergence enough. Mum's living it do. You know best.

Be prepared for any attempt to ask you about your home life and parenting situation. Usually a way in to suggest it's a parenting issue and you just need a parenting course. You have to insist and be prepared to explain why you believe she certainly is ND.

I've had long standing therapy with the same person I sourced myself. Someone who has lived through things to help support others and understand.

I've called Samaritans a fair number of times when I just needed someone to talk to. I started wondering if my number came up and they thought, oh no the woman moaning about her illnesses again. After 15 minutes I was getting shuffled off the phone. 🤷😆.

Thanks, I just didn’t think it very nice to talk about her. She doesn’t think anything is wrong so it’s not like she can tell them herself.

I struggle to tell the difference between adhd and asd. She has parts of both. She doesn’t have special interests she is flighty and unfocused. She doesn’t understand rules, she wants control, she shuts down, chews on things, lack of empathy, pda, black and white thinking, can’t see other people’s world, struggles with friendships. She is a lot like me, we go into a room and forget literally walking up the stairs and do something else.

Bit annoyed that my partners brother and family didn’t send my daughter a birthday card last week, no visit not even a msg on SM. It’s very sad that his only relationship is with his mum and dad (therefore so is his gf and kids). He is so desperate to get their approval all the time no one else matters. Golden children have no life really.

That was last week, though. Let it go. They're extended family. It really isn't that big a deal. I think it's really important that we don't deliberately look for things to be sad or hurt by. I definitely do it sometimes, because sad/hurt feels normal and familiar to me and so I know that sometimes I chase the feeling, even though that's a stupid thing to do.

DH and I are not good at always remembering to send cards etc, but we've got a lot going on that we don't necessarily share with wider family, and honestly, the birthday of a niece or nephew that we haven't seen in 2 years isn't going to be top of the list. There's no bad intent behind it, we are just a bit rubbish.

I’m annoyed more because we have to go to the nieces on there birthday, can’t possibly go another day. More so annoyed that my partner is a wet blanket over this, his bro clearly doesn’t feel the same.

Scapegoated children often just have no boundaries and no voice to speak up. If my brother didn’t bother I’d have something to say and certainly wouldn’t continue to celebrate them in return. We may be a blended family but in my eyes we are worth the same, daughter was 4 when we got together and now 9. He should be standing up for his little family but instead he conforms to standard procedure. I know he can’t help it but it’s silly to watch.

My partner has no conflict skills. If we ever have a dispute he turns into a 5 year old!

Honestly, in the grand scheme of things, it's just a birthday card.

It doesn't matter how things look in your eyes. You can't make them see things the way you do. They're allowed to see things differently. I say this as an adult in a blended family. This is a good time to keep your eyes on your own work, I think, and try not to worry so much about what other people are doing.

You're annoyed because of inequality in the relationship. So you feel that you're putting more on and collectively with everything else,it's too much.

I'd start looking at boundaries with those people if there are issues longstanding with them. Once you start dealing with the first CF I believe you start seeing all of it. There usually is a pattern where we have more than one CF because we are trained for it and we can draw to them before we realised.

If there is more to it than a nice guy not sending a card, then push back there too.

It's a bit difficult when extended family. Some people will have different views on it. And with no party you don't always get a card.

I stand by the rest of what I say. If there is longstanding CF behaviour then push them back gently.

Because this is bothering you it means you need to take some action.

If you feel you put more in then pull back and match it. Don't bother with cards for nieces and so on. Then you don't feel resentful.

I would write it down before the appointment. Be very clear. They won't want to refer here and will look for any weakness to push back I'm sad to say.

It isn't going against your daughter at all. You can speak about her and the situation as a difference. Her neurotyoe is different to the most common.

You can be very factual in how you speak without going against her.

People talk about audhd now, maybe you don't need to know which one is which? My kids one is audhd and one is asd. Imo (no offence meant) adhd is a nightmare to deal with but asd on it's own much easier. Nd is a pita.

spendysis how are you? Did you get any further forward? I hope you're getting some peace ♥️

The 2 overlap alot I believe.

The autism assessment, if they separate the assessments still, is the more in depth and priority imo because of school. Schools are starting to have some understanding re ADHD but still clueless regarding Autism.

I would push for a dual assessment @Happyfarm but if not possible then go for the autism as priority I'd suggest.

The ADOS assesment is the gold standard. They assess looking at 4 areas. I've attached in the image here. If you refer to things you see using those 4 examples then it's going to increase chance of getting the assessment. Family history or suspicion also important to drop in.

The part about keeping your thoughts straight is so apt. It's like a virus when you've been brainwashed by the people we endure.

I'm on FBook anonymously for health reasons. Now, when I pop on, I have endless videos and posts about narcissism, dealing with it and advice and guidance. I am grateful the algorithm is doing a good job 😆. It really centres me alot tapping back on when I start softening. .

The problem is no one ever understands so it's hard to keep your head straight. I have a long standing friend who has witnessed a fair amount of questionable behaviour and still can revert to ' all families have their struggles sometimes ' . That's a reminder to me that only those who experience/ went through it will totally understand.

@Spendysis also keen to hear how things are for you.