May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

It’s even harder when a sibling says this to you because they had a completely different experience. It makes me feel totally invalidated.

My son saw a psychologist last year and she diagnosed both asd and adhd, it wasn't nhs though. So he didn't have separate appointments.

Omfg yes!!!! Absolutely.

I feel that they often know. But if they're getting preferential treatment, it's like the kids who hang around the bully. On some level, they're thinking, thank god it's not me, and probably subconsciously thinking, please don't turn on me.

My brother and I have flipped between roles. I've had to NC brother. However, he knows. I know. We both know. Our words at the time and allegiance will however be entirely self serving and not a reflection of what we truly know deep down.

It's good to distance the flying monkeys because refusing to validate reality ( and siblings know reality deep down), well it's only further torment.

@AmeliaHarbottle I have a number of flying monkeys. Even my own child is employed. It's a nightmare. Most have been kicked to another stratosphere emotionally and physically.

I have a family member visiting my mum soon. I live so close by and this family member is totally puppeted. At some point family member will pop in to see me. And this game is going to be exhausting. Because that family member knows exactly why I would NC brother. Much more obvious behaviour there. That family member I believe knows full well what my mother is like.

I really want to say, if anything is mentioned regarding my non contact with them - 'Shut the fuck up. You know. I know you know. '

But the advice is not to do that and advice is never ever defend. That's very difficult. So, where a sibling is a flying monkey, you can't defend. You can only stop talking in any way about the other people you want distance from. Become neutral.

It’s the inequality that annoys me. It’s that my partner prioritises his nieces but it’s not returned. It’s that I can’t speak to him about why it’s ok for them not to bother and he does. My partner will always make excuses for his brother, he’s just too busy etc. When he isn’t too busy he just doesn’t prioritise us. I’m fed up of his excuses for his family. I know he has to make them because he can’t admit they really aren’t interested. His family are a sorry sad bunch. If I’m honest my partners people pleasing tendencies is getting a bit annoying.

That is so difficult. I can't think of an easy answer other than being honest and then following that with action.

You could explain to him that you are uncomfortable with the effort one way towards his family. That for your well being you need to step back. And then leave your husband to do all the niceties going forward. I'd start making excuses so you can get out of events. Let him do it and deal with everything. It's still going to grate but it separates you from them more.

We’ve had this conversation. He goes by himself most of the time now. I just don’t like being in this family dynamic anymore. Kids being treated differently, people prioritising self interest and not their needs. These families aren’t nice to be in even when you stay out.

Why should your bil prioritise you?

He's just an inlaw and you don't like him anyway. If your partner wants to make an effort for his nieces, let him. Keeping score isn't helping you, it just gives you a reason to feel offended. Maybe it's worth thinking about whether or not you are deliberately looking for things to be offended by.

Of course no one needs to prioritise anyone. It’s nice to, for the kids, so they all feel like they are valued. But why are we visiting them for their birthdays, bro, gf and nieces and they have never visited even my bro on his birthday. Why is my partner prioritising people who don’t in return and making excuses for them? I’m not annoyed by them not bothering, I don’t care but I dislike the fact my partner is still playing a role of prioritising his gc brother. The kids aren’t stupid, they see us visiting and them not.

I really do believe people have a whole story behind why they feel a certain way. Hsppyfarm tells us one snippet and it doesn't convey the years of issues, even subtle events and gestures that feed the current reaction.

The biggest issue is the fact her husband is not standing up to behaviour, probably much more over the years, and that's really hard to deal with.

With the place I am at right now realising so much, I couldn't be in space with anyone for long perpetuating that which I'm fighting to claw out of.

@Happyfarm because it's so difficult watching your husband in this dynamic, I'd probably cut contact myself with the family even more, doing only Christmas or one other huge event and that's it. Don't do any cards and expect nothing back. You're not stopping husband from doing his thing, but you're disconnecting from them.

Leave it entirely to him and tend to yourself a bit more. If you can sort out things for yourself and childcare, I'd be making that your priority.

It feels like you have no escape mentally and physically from difficult people you're exposed to.

It’s not difficult, it’s pathetic. What shit values is my partner teaching the kids. That they are less valuable so we do the visiting. I’m just classed as rebellious and awkward but I don’t play this narrative. He’s lost in this dynamic and it’s easy for him to call me petty. I teach my kids that people who value YOU visit and show interest in you.

You aren't going to be able to control him. It's double grating for you because you have other difficult people on top of his family.

If he can't recognise his role and won't do anything, you can't do much. It's very unappealing to watch this unfold. But sounds to me another reason to go sort things out for yourself like your own hobbit and interests away from people in your life. You'll be spending way too much time thinking about all this stuff if you're trapped in observing it endlessly. Leave him to it and make your position clear by detaching.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup it’s very unappealing. I feel like I’m dating a 5 year old boy sometimes. The more I do for myself the more I’m labeled selfish by his family and got my priorities all wrong. But I feel happier, have some new friends and hobbies. He lives in a small world, as I age he is just not aging, this is all he knows.

I agree, it is usually years of subtle things, but as we say on here so often, we cannot change other people. What we can do is reframe our thinking and make sure that we are not being pulled into unhealthy patterns of behaviour which feel familiar and comfortable and easy, but aren't how we want to be.

If you've been trained to people please and have codependent tendencies, there can often be an overwhelming urge to fix other people. To correct what we see as injustice. To tell ourselves that if they would just behave the right way, it would all be fine, and that we know what the right way is. There's a fine line between being abused and becoming abusive, and codependency is abusive, and we need to understand that, even though it's horrible.

Fwiw my DH has a lot of siblings. I don't. I have learned a lot about sibling dynamics over the years from his family, and let it go really is the best advice I could give anyone.

I feel like our little family doesn’t have the back up of my partner and he is his families back up. It’s his responsibility to make sure the kids are treated equally and fairly and stand up for them, he chose me with a 4 year old. He is disappointing me.

If you hear messages about yourself that his family have communicated through him, that's not ok for him to do.

It doesn't matter what you do. If they are going to bitch that's on them. It's not fair to hear it though. If it's through him I'd be on that behaviour from him- because you're living with him.

Maybe you really aren't compatible anymore. It is no way easy to say LTB so I won't do that. It might not be feasible. But you're desperate to grow beyond this so you have to tend to these hobbies and interests and don't stop that.

I have an ex who has good qualities. There are however huge issues. I have regularly been hospitalised, horrible situations. Ex would drop in comments like our child ' knows who's there for them ' and multiple digs about my unavailability. I was wired up to a feeding system into my artery for months. The point is, it is absolute delusion. If someone can convince themselves I'm selfish basically in that scenario, you've no hope of logical sense.

That's exactly the situation with your partners family and possibly him if he's getting upset you're less available to him.

I wouldn’t say I’m less available to him. He just won’t and doesn’t like what I say and how I behave. I won’t visit people who don’t visit me. That makes me the issue apparently. I’ve said for example that saying my brother is just too busy to visit when he lives 5 mins away is an excuse. No one is too busy for what they value. That makes me deliberately awkward and my partner not look at me in a good way. He’s ok with the narrative he tells himself.

I think it's very difficult to change alongside a partner, I very much admire people who do. I need to be single, everyone else also needs me to be single 😂

I absolutely must be single too. It's difficult when one changes and the other doesn't.

I don’t blame him. I feel selfish even though I knows it’s the right thing, I’m fighting programming. I like it tho, doing what I want and having my own thoughts.

I'm totally with you. I respect your integrity on it. I possibly would have found you ' difficult ' as a person to know 5 years ago. Now, I'd high five you, because you are right and you're standing up for your values.

A few years ago I would have been like your husband. I believed it was ok for our mum to never visit and show interest in my siblings kids. The excuse,perpetuated by another family member was that it's the kids job to bring Grandkids to the grandparent. If old and infirm, maybe. This wasn't the reality. 20 minutes drive. It was an excuse and gaslighting used to perpetuate the lack of interest. The kids couldn't be manipulated so unattractive prospect.

You're seeing more and more it looks like and it's getting hard to tolerate.

Definitely tend more and more to yourself. If he can't keep up it's possibly going to cause a huge rift. If there's enough in the set up between you to accept this and separate that part, you're going to have to try. Cut those visits that you engage in right down to the bone.

You are not selfish at all. You're growing out of behaviour and unhealthy dynamics. He can't fully understand it. He probably has family in his ear about it too so that confuses him. But you're spot on in knowing it's too much to face for him.

The reality of these people is horrifying. And if it's your loved ones that you felt were different people to who they truly are, that's hideous to accept.

He’s done something in arguments that I’ve picked up on lately and I don’t like it. If I bring him up on anything he reply’s with “well what about you”. We aren’t talking about me tho. It’s definitely me against him and his family, he is not my ally. Which has got me worried. I am the problem here I can see that! (Only Im
not).

Your situation is very relatable to me. It's hard to believe that you are not a problem when we have say 4 then 5 people all agreeing. But I tell you with certainty, it is not you.

They call these family systems networks, because they are a network of utter fucked upness. People in the network all operate to serve the continuation of the network and it's shitty behaviour. Anyone stepping out is going to be turned on.

Your husband might have separate issues for him, yet, his family are going to be in his ear and will send messages somehow that you're the problem.

If your partner struggles to be accountable for his behaviour then this system is perfect for that and he'll bring it into the home with you.

I don't know the intricate details with him and how he is, but your posts are screaming for detachments from that family. You will only breathe a bit if you stop with your input and expect nothing back.