May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

You get different levels of empathy tho with each person. Some have loads and some have very little. Some loose empathy when triggered then it comes back and they feel shame. This is my daughter. I have empathy, too much.

@Dogaredabomb yes you are right dsis didn't like being caught out helping herself to dm money and wanted to continue doing so. She was fussing over me getting my letter of the poa out she tried to lie to say it was for a blue badge renewal which given the fact I did it previously I knew was bollocks i think she was going to register it with the bank and I advised her every time a transaction is made all poa are alerted so that's why she got dm to remove me and I refused to do the equity release on dm house to get some inheritance early she was claiming it was to avoid inheritance tax which there wouldn't of been any so why would I agree to it and pay interest plus potentially get in trouble for deprivation of assets

Would be funny if by the time she's paid back the mortgage and now care home fees there isn't enough to pay her own interest only mortgage that she has no other way of paying off other than inheritance which is why I am surprised and wanted to check it was dm in the care home

I presume she doesn’t want me in contact with dm so I can't find out what she's up to or convince dm to change her will back I've never discussed this with dm and it goes along with the story she deserves the money as she's looked after dm in her old age and i haven't only because i am not allowed to be in contact with dm

No idea what's she's told everyone why we aren't in contact anymore I doubt it's the truth

Dsis has always been a nightmare with money and dm and I have constantly bailed her out. Dm always used to lecture her and come moaning to me so as her best friend said she's never learnt her lesson and just skipped the lecture by helping herself. She's still her best friend though despite me telling her what was going on and now doesn't speak to me she's dh cousin and they don't really speak much now just a text at Christmas new year etc

@Spendysis do you currently know the specific details of your mum's will? Whether you're in it?

Do you know what power of attorney if any your sister has over your mum?

This feels like a prolonged exposure to more pain and abuse for you and I wonder if a part of you considers cutting your losses out walking away now as no contact with both of them.

I understand that is not easy and might not be popular emotionally or other reasons for you.

Now one of my other personality disordered burdens is playing up.

I find it hard to admit what my ex is, because he cares mostly for my teen with my personal situation. The truth is, he is personality disordered and autistic in denial. His current game is doing little to nothing to emotionally support son. It's difficult for me, having empathy, as a mum, to play that game and just sit back.

There's an ongoing bullying situation, almost a year now in school towards our teen. Totally ignored, not one report. Ex and partner are primary carers because of my severe health and ongoing hospital visits. I have no one else who isn't insane or alcoholic for support. I can't change this set up. I did it alone all the years until relatively recent.

Child disclosing details to me re bullying because I give a shit. I spend hours sorting a formal report to school. Hours to make it so they take notice. School and other classmates confirm it's bad and ongoing and he's dealt with alot. The other kid has faced some impressive consequences because of all my input reporting formally with evidence etc. Thus proving it is a pretty bad bullying situation he's put up with.

There are 2 adults caring here who reported not one thing, not once. I'm running after ex telling him details continually. ( This is part of the game). Zero interest at all. Zero input to school. They are main carers. I'm dealing with all SEN stuff endlessly. I'm caring at wknds and spend significant more time emotionally and spending one on one time with teen.

Now we have return of the game where ex talks through child to arrange wknd details.

Ex has intentionally left me hanging without clarity on when he'd pick teen up from me as a game in the past - as punishment for what's he didn't like. This is a common game used.

Because of that I've always asked ex now to confirm time he'll collect before I agree to any wknd contact. My instincts are good. This is an intentional game. Not sure exactly what the hoped outcome is but probably just to feel dominant or something.

Child stuck in the middle being rude and disrespectful to me also. The role model is appalling so it's hopeless.

I have to again chase ex and get to confirm he'll collect at certain time Sunday. After about 5 messages chasing to try firm up info ref all the bullying stuff - about which he did nothing and kind of ignored except thumbs up.

I'm really bloody sick. And I parent significantly more than him and I feel his partner now. A cardboard cut out would do a better job than he.

A boundary is now essential because my visceral reaction is letting me know this can't continue.

I can't force his interests and care in his son. I struggle to sit back and say fuck it knowing kids getting bullied. I am running round contacting him desperate for him to just bloody do something. He gets child to sort out pick up drop off between us which is ridiculous but I'm not ok because of games played purposely leaving me waiting and not knowing about pick up etc.

Child desperate to know plan for wknd re seeing me as his father needs to know he says.

I'm now like arghhh.

One very simple message from ex such as - I'll collect ( child) on Sunday by xyz time is all it takes and all I need. This is what I do respectfully for him. After multiple message trying to get clarity and support ref bullying letter and evidence I now have to chase up about this. I refuse to say to child ' ask your dad when he's going to pick you up and tell me'. But I and cannot bring myself to chase this baby man child again to tell me plans for collection. It is too much how I feel doing this and the game is appalling to be part of for me.

If you have followed and this makes sense. I just can't keep doing this. I have actually switched my phone off because I am suffering so much because of every person in my life. I wanted one day to sort out desperate health needs for me and it doesn't happen for me. I need ex to grow a pair and not force me to now send the tenth message so I know he will collect at a certain time before he implements a game of pissing me round on Sunday. And he will. I've experienced enough of the game.

How would you communicate and deal with this. I don't want to show frustration. I feel that is part of the game. I understand now that narcs need any power and if that includes you being wound up, they'll feed on it.

I feel I am being severely disrespected and am trying to think objectively about this. I am doing everything I feel for teen and they know I am severely unwell. If it wasn't my child I'd say fuck this and go no contact on everyone.

Help 🤯 Id appreciate any non emotional perspective.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup I was equal poa and dm will was split equally between me and dsis i don't know 100% but when speaking to dm about dsis doing equity release i asked if she had changed her will and she mentioned she may have as her money should go to who is looking after her so as I am not after her money i presumed it has been changed and goes to dsis and there has been no further conversation about it

I am nc with dsis will never have anything to do with her again not seen or spoken to dm for around 10 months because of the situation trying to move on accept things but random things like being told she is in a care home triggers me

As awful as it's sounds i think the time I will get closure is when dm passes away

My immediate reaction without thinking here was 'why bother with dm'.

This is your mum so of course it's going to be more complex than that for you.

But that is a good question to ask. Knowing this and hearing that from your mum; why now go there? Why visit? What do you hope or need in a visit to her now. ❤️ It's something to ask yourself and explore.

pleaseshutthefuckup I'd expect a teen to be able to get themselves to and from each parent's home, even if SEN means that's in a taxi paid for by one of the parents. So I'd implement that, drop the rope and simply stop playing your ex's games. I see nothing wrong with a teen organising their own contact time with their parents.

Yep, this taxi idea has been in my mind a while. I have quibbled if it's wrong of me to put a kid in a taxi but it solves alot of problems. A key left for him there solves when I'm being pissed about like we have had before.

I'll have to pay the taxi but I accept it's best.

My child is manipulated.And the pattern is obvious. Lack of any interest and affection there from cardboard cutout dad forces him to be desperate to be here. And I'm desperately wanting to know he's ok and looked after because I'm finding it harder and harder each month now. Accepting this reality is really difficult. Knowing he's hard work but knowing he's actually not loved properly there, and he knows it, he's said as much. It's really difficult.

Thanks.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup I can’t get my ex to communicate either. He is court ordered to collect from school but instead comes to mine within a 2 hour window in the evening after work. It’s not working for me waiting around like an twat for him to come, always on his terms and I’ve said he needs to be picking her up from school. But you just can’t force these men so he won’t, says simply I can’t take the time off. I’ve asked if he could drop a text when leaving work so I don’t have to rush back and be potentially be another 2 hours but nope. Is it a game or simple complete lack of fucks for others.

It's a game. That is why. Yours is just like my one. After everything im doing and the deliberate attempts leaving me hanging and his shifts on mood. It's way too much. I have no choices but to accept my child is latchkey and they will only get worse. I can't have this situation where I have to chase. I haven't slept. Feeling so awful. I'm going to be in hospital soon because of my dealings with these people.

My counsellor has helped me see this reality. Dealing with the tits I am enduring has literally put me in and out of hospital for years.

He’s a jerk. I try and enforce the court order with pick up but you can’t actually make them do anything. All communication is like this “sorry I cant pick her up but some of us have to work” (a dig at the fact I do minimum hours because of my c.f.s that he caused). “Sorry my partner can’t collect her either because she works for her family”. Anything I say is answered with some put down and him bigging himself up. I’m tempted this evening to just go out and not make her available as I’ve said I will stop being available for evening pick up and I want after school.

I’ve just realised that my childhood didn’t teach me what my feelings are and what to do with them. They’ve felt like intruders, like what the hell is this feeling and where did it come from. Instant panic, avoidance and anxiety kicks in. How amazing is it to realise that feelings are normal and they tell you about the event that’s happening and guide you into responding. What a fucking revelation this has been. All the times I’ve beaten myself for feeling something and I was right all along I just have been so used to my feelings scaring the shit out of me. No wonder narcs and neglect causes identity issues. You literally don’t know who you are because your feelings are unknown to you.

@Happyfarm it was definitely the case that normal emotions weren't allowed in my family, not for me anyway.

I was frequently told 'get that look off your face' 'don't even think about it' by both parents.

I wasn't allowed to ever be disappointed or angry. I would get in trouble if I let those feelings show. If I was happy I would have the piss taken out of me. If I was embarrassed it was apparently hilarious. I've got so much shame now. At the same time, sometimes I would fake happy to avoid being in trouble, if happiness was deemed an appropriate response (usually to a situation where I was upset or disappointed). I was regularly told that I was greedy and selfish.

The absolute worst it did to me was that I handed my permissions for my feelings over. My ex being a narc obviously gave me no permission to feel my feelings. What a disaster! I thought I was wrong and all along he just didn’t care about me at all. My feelings were punished, invalidated, laughed at. They don’t want your stupid feelings getting in the way.

Im left with some very heavy feelings over some awful events now that I’d squirrelled away.

@Happyfarm I think one of the things we need to understand is that people with narcissistic personality disorder don't feel emotions the way that healthy people do. It's not that our feelings get in the way, it's literally that they think we are stupid for having those emotional experiences. It's almost always about wanting to feel superior (if you go along with the idea that what underpins narcissism is actually pathologically low self esteem - they can only cope with themselves by constantly proving that they are better than other people). That's why everything, including their own nasty behaviour, is always someone else's fault.

I think there can be an element of sadism tied into it too. They get pleasure out of causing distress to others. They enjoy hurting people. If you do that too often out in the real world, the real world will turn round and bite you in the face, but inside their homes and families, where they rule supreme, they can do it without fear of repercussions.

I've been reading a bit this week about dependent personality disorder and I'm beginning to wonder if this goes someway towards explaining my mother.

So they provoke a response because they think emotions make you look stupid and less than them at the moment in time. So when I brought him up on something he did he’d provoke me to make me look stupid? Do they not know you’re made up of emotions and feelings, thats literally who you are. Who do they think they are with.

Here's the thing.

They think they are with someone inferior who they can manipulate into having an emotional response that they can then punish them for.

But it's never really about you, it's always about them. Making you look stupid is about making themselves feel better and superior. You don't actually matter to them as a person. You are there to give them what they need and for no other reason.

What a twat! I knew he was a wrongun a few years in but I was young and dependent on him and trauma bonded.

Didn't sleep well last night going over everything and had anxiety then overslept and was late for work I am also perimenopausal so have insomnia and anxiety now anyway

Given myself a good talking to today again the only person in this situation who is hurt stressed and that it is effecting is me and I need to find away to not be triggered

I got referred to nhs talking therapy ironically by the gp who is also dm gp that dsis deals with I have talked about the situation and hasn't flagged up any safeguarding concerns maybe because I have a different surname. They just want to sign me off work and give me sleeping tablets anxiety tablets but it's been going on for 2 years with no end in sight has anyone used this service or should I look into private therapy? I did look up private therapy there is local hub and the only one who replied was my dsis therapist so I didn't think it was appropriate

Does anyone suffer from total memory blanks sometimes as to what their childhood was actually like? Then it makes you feel like you made it all up and actually your parents were fine?
There is nothing I can do about it now, my parents didn’t come to our wedding and then two months later my mum took her own life. My dad has blamed me ever since and won’t speak to me.
I’ve gone down a hole of reading through old Facebook messages between me and my mum and it has made me feel terrible. It was whilst I was at uni and our message exchanges were affectionate. I don’t know where it all went so wrong. I know I’ve had counselling about my relationship with my parents since I was at uni so it can’t have been good. But I just can’t remember properly why I couldn’t just see the good in them and deal with the difficult side better.

My parents were very dependent on me bringing them happiness I think because they cut themselves off from all their own family including my older sister at times who left home when she was 15. But they seemed to turn on me when I got older and wanted more independence. They never liked my serious boyfriend who became my now husband. It’s just all so confusing and sad. Don’t even know how anyone is supposed to help me based off this message it’s so confusing!

@Carrotchips this is absolutely nothing to do with you. We aren't responsible for our parents. Your mum has not taken her life because of you. Your dad can't face reality, her own demons and his and you're the easiest person to blame.

Your parents didn't come to your wedding and I imagine there's a great deal of behaviour and events that have happened that you haven't entirely explored yet.

If you hear through a third party / another person that your dad thinks that, I would try distance from them for a bit. That isn't helpful for you.

I've been in counselling for 15 years. It is often an ongoing process with more to unpick. xx

First off I wanted to say that I'm so sorry about your situation. It must be awful. I'm sure you've been told anyway, but I'll tell you too - none of it is your fault.

There are things I can't remember. I cannot remember what my father looked like. I had cut contact with him when I was in my late teens, and within a couple of days, he had just disappeared from my head. It's the strangest thing, though I assume it's my brain trying to protect me. I know I'm not misremembering his behaviour. It's more complicated with my mother.

For a long time, I thought my relationship with her was a good one. Multiple phone calls a day, every day. I was encouraged to never have secrets, never keep things private, including things that were really none of her business and shouldn't have been shared. In return, she used me as emotional support, which she'd done throughout my childhood. When my SD had an affair when I was at uni, I was the one she phoned multiple times a day to cry down the phone about it. Now while I agree that this is a difficult marital situation, your 21yo daughter is not the person to support you through it, or to spill all the sordid details to. I pushed away the ick and the uncomfortable feelings. I genuinely thought she loved me and I told myself I loved her in return. But the more time I spent away from her, the more I realised that the whole relationship was arse backwards, that I didn't like her company, that I dreaded the phone ringing, I dreaded the obligation of making the call, that she always gave terrible and often damaging advice, and that she was quite often really unpleasant to me. When I had my own children and began to view her parenting through that lens the relationship fell apart completely.

I think it's really telling that your sister left home at 15. People don't do that if things are good. It's also telling that your relationship with your parents started to fall apart when you began to want more independence. For healthy parents, when your kids start to pull away, it's a sign that you've done a good job and it's time to move on to the next stage of your lives. Wanting to keep adult children on a leash is a bad sign.

Sometimes people who aren't cut out to be parents have children. I'm not surprised you're confused. I am still struggling to understand things and it's been a long time.

Such a good message.

@Carrotchips
When we are raised in a very dysfunctional family, what is healthy is difficult to know, all through adulthood, without intervention from professionals usually or exposure to much healthier people ( not personality disordered).

I think alot happened that I have blocked out. There are unpleasant memories of SA that I only started to acknowledge were real about 4 years ago.

There's also the incidents and behaviour which I put away and never recalled that are so appalling. Only with time and being away from these people in every way ( physically, emotionally, no SM, no flying monkey contact ) that's when you start seeing what you weren't ready to see. Then you get angry.

That's going to pass too.

To feel blame for the suicide of your mother is the cruellest of things. Other people are making you feel this. You can have compassion for your dad and at the same time start questioning how cruel it is to allow his own daughter to be blamed for a suicide of her mum. The most cruel of behaviour. You deserve so much love and warmth. Please seek it somewhere away from them.

A diary feels like a good idea to help. They're good for just ranting even and getting out every feeling. You can get locked ones. ❤️

@Carrotchips I sometimes wonder what my brain has locked away in the part of my memory where it's buried my father's face. Probably best not to look under that rock. What I can remember is bad enough.