May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

Thanks @Pleaseshutthefuckup
To be honest, I have been NC with my brother, because he pretends I don’t exist, except when sending horrible messages….. I think it is down to him hanging on to his inheritance, and he’s welcome to the whole lot of it!!

For the moment I need them all to leave me be for a while, I’m not saying I’ll never speak to my mother again, but I need to gain some peace and space, and to stop them taking over all my headspace.

I keep telling myself I didn’t react, and now I am just reacting, it’s just hard to keep believing it sometimes 😕

@tinaabbot you got the silent treatment from your brother in hospital in case you hadn't identified it. Usually it's because you have 'done something' that makes them go into it. You will never know what this was and you aren't to blame. It wouldn't surprise me if he snaps out of it all of a sudden and you get confused again.

Grey rock is a good idea, but has it's limits. Impossible to do daily with the whole lot, but once in a while should work. You aren't supposed to not needing to react to that kind of mindfuckery. Go ahead and suppress everything and have your pick at a future illness of autoimmune disease of your choice. Sorry that's harsh.

Id stop trying to figure them out and focus on yourself. Begin to practice doing what you need and what's good for you one second at a time. Learn about your guilt and shame and learn to handle that, because they keep you in all this.

It's almost identical to my brother and dynamic with mother shit stirrer matriarch.

It's been hard but I did spell out to my mum this week, kindly, that I needed space because certain behaviour I was experiencing was not ok and crossing multiple boundaries. I haven't heard since. That's kind of what I need. I sent kisses. I really want to say fuck you but it's a game in some ways.

I don't know if you feel that would help get some of the message across for you.

I've been really good at NC with bro and haven't faltered because the peace I've had made it clear to me how much he needed removal. Sadly, mother has been trying multiple attempts to manipulate, hurt me and re introduce him into my life and my child's. That's when I said no way and spelled things out. Sometimes we must clearly spell out our boundaries to make that break.

I agree that grey rock is hard if they don't stop, there's more than one of them. It's too much.

I'd re watch some videos or advice online from professionals on these narcissistic family systems to help re enforce your resolve and remind you how damaging their contact with you is to your life.

I always recommend Dr Ramani.

We have been trained all our life so reacting is a natural response. Learning to hide it from them and pretend really helps. I noticed when I didn't hear from brother after NC how I became more and more indifferent. That's the aim. The minute my mum started trying to re introduce this it brought everything back and I've been highly reactive again. That's why distancing them entirely is often the ultimate goal if possible.

@TwatalertI never thought of it as silent treatment!! That’s what it was/is. It’s a technique my mother used and uses. No wonder she doesn’t think he has done anything wrong!! That’s been a bit of a light bulb moment!

@PleaseshutthefuckupI’m sorry you have a similar brother and family dynamic from the sound of things 😕 One funny moment that shows how messed up the family dynamic is, my mother mentioned to my husband about myself and brother not talking, his response was that brother was always odd with a shrug 😆 Mother didn’t know what to do with that, she didn’t realise she was the only one seeing the sun shine out of his arse (might be an Irish only phrase)

Thank you both so much, you have realigned me back to where I had got myself mentally. It was my birthday last week so there was weird contact from them all which threw me. I have told my mother I need space, her lack of understanding is not my problem and I’m sticking with that. It’s a long weekend this weekend, which is usually when someone pops up to spoil my fun, so I need to figure out what to do to silence them all for a while. I still have a bit of a panic when I see missed calls on my phone.

Thank you both again! I feel so much calmer this morning ❤️

Tina

I would drop the rope re both your mother and brother here; they are two peas from the same pod. People from dysfunctional families end up playing roles; yours here appears to be that of scapegoat with your brother being the favoured golden child. Women like your mother cannot do relationships at all.

You are correct @AttilaTheMeerkat, I had pretty much dropped it, but was in danger of getting pulled back in. I needed someone to point it out to me again, very thankful for you all here.

My new boundary is not to be part of dysfunctional relationships, even if the people in them think they are normal.

Prior to my father getting ill the relationships were more distant and superficial, my brother was still an odd ball but it didn’t impact me much

My mother was obsessively showing me pictures of things my brother had bought recently, made up messages to name drop him, made up scenarios. Dropped in the will a few times over recent months. How he's in charge of it,will get this and that etc. Absolutely vile behaviour as I sit here very seriously unwell each day

It became so bizarre I had no choice but to say woh there, hold on, no more thanks. Shall we just ignore all the very questionable behaviour, including criminal and the wake of women left traumatised on some level? Shall we just gloss over that part?🤷🤦

They're nuts. I agree you're scapegoat like I am. Brother is golden child. 🤮

I’m so sorry @Pleaseshutthefuckup, that is just horrible. It’s so self centred and selfish. I bet there is very little concern about your health from either of them either.

I only realised a few years ago that my mother didn’t brag about my accomplishments like she did about his (even though by most scales I’m wildly more successful, not that I’d compare or care). He tried to belittle something I’d done and I laughed and said yeah, that’s why I did something much bigger. He looked shocked and didn’t know.

It really is so bizarre what must run through their heads. How can they so blatantly have a favourite? How do they justify their behaviour? I shouldn’t even question it as I’ll never understand and it’ll drive me crazy.

I was really scared about having more than one child in case I had a favourite. I don't, they're wildly different and want / need different things from me.

I laugh with my partner about this. I don’t have a favourite as I can’t stand either of them lol! (I love them really)

I actually only have one, and it is something I wonder about. Obviously she’s my favourite, and I tell her so 😆

I was just thinking about why I had so many narcs in my life. I realised this morning it is because I stick around. I had zero boundaries. I’ve stood back with my in-laws. I’ve realised that me and the other SIL in are in fact treated very similar only she seems to accept the behaviour much easier then I now do. I’m no longer accepting people who only make me a priority when they need something, I’m not desperate for acceptance anymore. We are the ones with quite terrible boundaries and a need to be accepted from childhood, we’ll happily accepted scraps.

So very true. I do this too.

Yes me too. I have learnt that those with healthy upbringings who don't turn into people pleasers will automatically just turn away from certain behaviour. They would meet someone and think, what the fuck, no thanks and immediately avoid that person. They may be less needy and therefore not vulnerable to love bombing like we might.

I now look back and can't believe it thinking what I endured actually. It really could be worse. I'm not self pitying but rather acknowledging it now. I never did. I had no one, absolutely no one. My dad died and the 2 remaining are narc/ sociopathic. There was no one else.

My good friend for most my life I realise now there's a terrible power imbalance. I see behaviour I don't like now that I challenge views or speak my mind or just be ' authentic ' now.

My ex is a nightmare. Gaslighting,.denial of reality, no accountability in any way ever.

It's just a pattern that we often fall into.

Even my own son has walked over me.

I'm really enjoying metaphorically telling people to get fucked now. It's lonely. I don't actually have anyone but I know this is the price of growth and becoming more genuine.

There's a programme on Itv called ' Fake'. I watched it and saw some similarities in myself. She's quite extreme but I'd imagine some of us will see glimpses.

It's a really good drama. You can see how the main protagonist has her whole life had people round her who make her feel a certain way and she's therefore primed for the wrong guy. It's a true story.

I fell for my ex trying to run from my childhood. The shit I put up with also. I guess like you say that is growth and that is what we on the earth to do like all living things. I’m actually quite proud of what I’m learning. I find it bloody hard sticking to my boundaries though because I don’t like the feeling of not being liked for reasons that are untrue.

Our relationship are basically what we put up with. Narcs like people who will put up and shut up. I think they attract people who need things. A person who needs little is hard to control.

Yes it's really hard feeling unliked and I think people like us really internalise it. I believe there will be many professionals out there who will tell you that being authentication and less fake means being less liked. But I like myself more and more as a result. It's just lonely.

I had a fly that kept landing on me today. I would have just killed it in the past. Today, I just stopped and looked at it and watched it and he was pretty cool to observe so close up. Then he just flew out the window. That's so nice. I do think there's a positive pay off in all this.

The less I interact with these people that take the piss, manipulate, gaslight, deny reality etc, the easier it is to remember my boundaries and stick to them. When you think about the absolute basics we usually want, it's ridiculous that anyone would have a problem. The problem is therefore the quality and messed upness of the people we have inadvertently attracted or had no choice but to deal with ( parents).

All do true, I’m seeing that myself too.

My 16 year old has better boundaries than took me 50 years to establish

I would just be happy with scraps of attention because I got none when growing up. People could treat me terribly and be just a little bit nice once a week and I would keep going back to them. I was so emotionally immature myself too.

You know, I had moments in therapy when I felt like a 2 year old. I knew I had a 'big emotion' but didn't know what to express or how. I realised I never learnt and that's why everything accumulated in anger outbursts previously. I must say I was a right twat in my 20s and am amazed I managed to keep friends. I had no issues cutting people off too like some psycho and I know I hurt a few people like that. I sometimes wonder whether I should contact them and apologise, but then that's only for my benefit and not theirs. Others I should have let go much sooner but stuck with. Everything was upside down. I was such a mess.

They say when you become healthy healthy people will automatically come into your life. Well, I'm still waiting. Maybe I'm not there yet because I keep looking at people who I admire, thinking I wish we could be friends and that they are probably out of my league.

I’ve met lots of new people lately, in hobbies and school mums. They actively want to meet up with me and that feels bloody alien to me. Something must be different in me, I’ve stopped wanting anything from people. I was way too needy. I also keep reminding myself that I’m actually someone some people want to be friends with, I’m not so bad. Being real feels better and knowing you aren’t for everyone is ok, it’s not a rejection it’s just we all like different things. I’m very picky with who I like, they have to be real and humble and not strive for money and possessions, who like art and don’t take themselves too seriously.

I think a lot of us would like each other 😁 we're nice people 🤷🏼‍♂️

Interesting about the fly landing on you, I'm glad you took a moment and just looked.

So many times I've felt that all I have left is the natural world. It's so nourishing and I think it's where God lives.

Trees, wind, rain, flowers, DOGS we can always feel some love from and for these things.

I haven't met anyone new or anything despite having lived in this new place for a year. I'm friendly with everyone in the cul de sac and I can tell that they like to have us as neighbours.

I got in touch with an old pal who lives fairly close and we'll have lunch or something.

I don't know, my eldest is in an mh crisis atm and I'm on red alert and back and forth between my home and his all the time. I'm emotionally tired and wish there was just one other person to help but there isn't.

I've raised my kids utterly alone and it's loooooonnnggggg 😂

I'm tired of being so alone in this world and I'm not emotionally robust enough for a romantic relationship. If I met someone they wouldn't be my kids' parent anyway so the buck would still stop with me

I'm annoyed that there's clearly something wrong with me that I can't build a relationship. It's different with my adult kids, I made them, I love them, they're my family. Everyone else feels like a suffocating threat.

I appear very friendly and I'm a kind person but I get overwhelmed very easily and I feel like I'm permanently on high alert to guard against being overwhelmed by 'someone'.

And do you know what, I wouldn't say this anywhere else but I STILL feel like a worm for having been promiscuous as a teenager. And actually for having had a mother who hated me.

And no logic shifts that feeling, I think I'm basically scared of everyone and everything except for my kids and dog.