May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I'd say promiscuity wouldn't be a surprise outcome when you're raised in a messed up situation. Usually horrendous low self esteem. I was off the rails promiscuous from about 16 to 25 and every time I was just used and degraded really but had no idea. My mum never once had a conversation about it. Never asked or advised or enquired or anything. Absolutely insane. I couldn't imagine never talking about this or asking. One creepy beast was about 35 and I slept with him at 16. He would call the landline number and my mum would be really nice and befriend him. I virtually parented myself through most of this.

You were acting out of low self esteem and probably a deep need for some form of connection. There's absolutely nothing whatsoever to feel ashamed of. If you enjoyed some of it well that's absolutely ok too.

The hatred is nothing whatsoever to do with you. It's a pathological mindset in your mother that's totally ballsed up. It wouldn't matter who or what you were. The fact you are her daughter, that's all it takes to be treated so poorly by a narcissist mother.

I'm new to this thread, I haven't had time to read all the messages.
I have a question. My Mum completely ignored my birthday when she would normally make a big fuss which to be honest I didn't like. But I didn't even get a text. I tried to call her but no answer, this women is never without her phone. The only reason I can think of is I don't visit her as often as she would like. But everytime I do go to see her I get made to feel guilty for not going round enough. It's like a vicious circle it's bloody exhausting.

I don't know the full history of how she is and how she makes you feel. This however is very shitty.

In this situation, I would honestly text this;

' hi mum, I didn't hear anything from you on my birthday. Is everything ok ?'

The problem is she's playing games and do you want to continue these games or really assess how possible a healthy relationship is with her?

I'm sorry you find yourself here but we all have alot of experience with difficult mothers/ people. 💐

Thank you for your reply, I sent a similar text on my birthday and called no response. My mum requires a lot of attention/reassuring at peak about 10 years ago it would be upto 20 calls a day. Overtime I have made clearer boundaries as it became a bit overwhelming. She didn't respond well to this so the guilt trips happened and I would cave. Then I got so busy, divorce, full-time work parenting teenagers my priorities changed so I challenged her on her behaviour. She apologised and seemed to understand but now I'm a bit more settled and heaven forbid happy making a life for myself she's ramped up. It just feels like I'm being punished.

So she certainly sounds narcissistic and the awful reality is that they don't understand boundaries, especially with the person they have treated as the scapegoat ( usually a daughter). They will believe they are totally justified and they will somehow punish you.

I've just watched and experienced my own mother punish me quite appallingly with very manipulative cruel behaviour after holding out a year, love bombing me. It was all an act and waiting until I was most vulnerable ( health struggles). This is punishment for boundary setting I became stronger with a year ago!

You can't change her and with the way she is treating you, you cannot have a healthy relationship. Only pain, punishment and confusion.

Could you be ok with just not contacting her now? No more chasing, no more attention for her?

I know it's hard. I really have no family now apart from my son. I had to no contact a sibling and my mum is going this way now after recent issues.

@Icecreamhelps you feel like you are being punished because you ARE being punished. It's what silent treatment is. Obviously that is total BS as you are an adult and can do whatever you want without having to receive punishment.

Why do you keep contacting her whilst you receive the silent treatment? Are you able to let her be?

@Pleaseshutthefuckup thank you. I had counselling last year and they went through this. I just need to practice it. I do love her so it's a bind but I need to love myself more. I do really well with some distance, the minute I have contact or it's one of those day I.e Christmas, mothers day, birthdays my mental health goes through the floor. She has bipolar so that make things difficult, I alway forgive her because she's poorly. But she's been stable on meds for over 10 years. Thank you for listening it's really helped. I'll hang around here and listen to others experiences and try and find some balance.

The bipolar is not the reason for her behaviour. When people are like this with fixed behaviours that are quite familiar to alot of us, it's a fixed personality type that can't be changed.

One thing that can help is getting a diary or notebook and writing an ick list. Every thing you can recall that she has done to hurt you. I feel you possibly don't recognise all of it yet. It is a process of pulling away the layers and it has to be gradual or how could we face this reality that we've experience all our lives. You will have blocked out and minimised a significant amount. The ick list is a very good place to start and look at as a reminder.
I know it is hideously painful to see all this.

Dr Ramani is great too. She has loads of videos on YouTube and has personal life experience.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup 1. On the ick list is she never liked any of my friends. But has recently sent one a friend request on facebook which is bizarre. I came off Facebook and all social media a while ago.

1. She would copy my hairstyles and clothes.
2. All her friends are never good enough at some point they will disappoint her for some reason.

This is probably going to be a long list eventually. It makes me so sad because she has a wonderful family and good friends who all want her to be happy.

Does anyone else feel that even when they aren’t doing anything, you’re dysfunctional family takes up 90% of your head?

Any tips on making it stop?

Oh yes. They live in your head rent free the terrors.

All the therapy advice and reading and research is clear for me, it's just not always easy. You must go look for the good and the light basically. We can all be arseholes but these people really are dark and you need to find and connect with that which is good. So people for example that have no connections or friendship with them who are instinctively good people and on your side. They need to not minimise. They need to make you feel good. They need to not be like those arsewipes.

The problem here, is you may find no one actually fits the above. So then you realise you aren't going to het it with people as much. And you look at other places.

The places will be in yourself. So you will have natural skills, talents and hobbies that you may not realise or have spent time looking at cultivating. Music? Art? Exercise? Walking? Running? Animals? Nature? Forests? Instruments? Singing? You need to start looking at those things they tried to destroy in you and enjoy yourself by tapping into those things. You will have skills somewhat that bring you joy doing. It's best to do it alone. It's an exercise on finding joy doing only what makes you happy, nobody else.

If the above doesn't feel good right now then I'd go look for some animals somewhere. I'm lucky to live in a beautiful place and I just love going tsnd finding some cows to hang out with. You connect on a way most people won't when you are forced to go find goodness somewhere that isn't people.

I for example realised I was good at poetry and started writing poems, I learnt guitar a few years ago and play that. ( Not once did one of those arses say anything positive about my guitar playing and would laugh and say horrible things). I'm pretty ok at playing, self taught, and sing relatively ok and with them removed I do that more and more. That's no coincidence. They steal your light, your glow and make you feel you're shit at everything. Well you are not.

The more I have let go of them, accepted they aren't good for me and kept them out of my life, the less headspace they've taken up. Writing things down helps me work through my thoughts too. I've decided life is a choice and I choose happiness. As much as possible I choose to do something other than think about them. If you haven't got a hobby I'd get one. Something that isn't constrained by timing. So something like knitting that you can pick up and put down whenever or the type of walking that only involves putting on your trainers and jacket and stepping outside your front door. Train yourself to go do your hobby whenever you're getting bogged down with thoughts spiralling about them. You'll get quicker and quicker at recognising it and taking action.

@PleaseshutthefuckupExercise does help, I ran ultra marathons for years, so I have been running away from stuff for a long time!

@SamAndAnnie I hobby I can pick up is actually a good idea. I’ve been trying to crochet little animals, I must make a better attempt at it

I know time and training myself to stop will help too

Wow, that's something pretty impressive. 2 things actually.

It's important that you enjoy those pursuits and do it only for the pleasure for yourself. If it isn't fun, filling and relaxing for you any longer, find something you enjoy.

I just spent an hour with the cows and the wronguns didn't enter my mind once. 🙏

Your cows made me smile 😊

long covid put a halt to my extreme running, I’m nearly totally recovered now, but don’t think I still have the insanity for the stuff I used to do. Shorter runs are still fun, for that weird definition of hating most of it except the finish 🙃

I have picked up some other outdoorsy stuff that keeps my mind busy, but the day to day, walk to the shop is where my mind gets high jacked

Controversial but have you considered looking at things a different way? This all sounds very like ‘it’s all everyone else and not me’ victims mode. Maybe consider the fact that others are just humans doing their best, maybe you are tricky or have unrealistic expectations
you may find that more freeing

Doing their best what? 😂😂😂😂😂

I totally understand. If it's too much hard work it's not helpful. That sense of achievements must feel so great 🙏. How many people have done that? Not many I know.

I'm highly reactive atm and could easily have had a verbal altercation with someone turning their awful car stereo up and engine running in the beautiful nature spot with my cows.

The lady in her car with young gent looked at me and saw I was gesturing in my mind, shut the fuck up. She just laughed very loud at my eye roll.

It reminded me, it will always be work to not be reactive. I didn't do anything or say anything but the wronguns are often in my mind and I feel reactive thinking about them.

They are so messed up but we're the ones at risk of having outbursts I noticed. Especially if we've dealt with it all our life. Maybe not everyone is like me. I'm overwhelmed by so many seriously sub standard humans with no morals, terrible values, pathological liars, no accountability. It makes me feel like the nuts one. I know I am not.

Horrible.

I don't know if you enjoy music from childhood. I am obsessed with listening to songs from age 5. This is I feel when the worst things happened to me and I realised how messed up the family was. Re -listening to music on my terms and enjoying it as an adult thinking of the young me and empathising with her is really nice. I didn't realise I was doing that. I learnt songs on the guitar from that time not realising what I was subconsciously doing. Through therapy it made sense.

So that might help if you're into music.

You can see from all this what a lifetime of shit our situations have brought about and the work is ongoing.

Sorry don’t want to derail but I had another realisation today after an argument with my daughter. I’ve realised I have zero needs in
relationships. I wonder if this is a common thing. Ive been so desperate to have them like me that I don’t stop and look at whether any of my needs are being met. My daughter is not very respectful when she is told No. I’m told it’s due to the autonomy of autism etc. I actually said to her the least I expect from her is a little bit of respect. Then I got to thinking I actually don’t get any of my needs met in any relationships and I need to be more proactive about this. I always worry if people will like me when actually do I even like them, do they bring anything to the relationship.

Oh this is so my life right now @Happyfarm .

The more I put my needs first and act in ways that show this, the more people have gone. I'm pretty much an island now. It's really scary but it's also essential to me. I have no choice now but to be this way.

We will have similar struggles in ways with our own children. I have tried out doing things that feel really hard to do which demonstrate that I value myself.

The word no is massively triggering if your daughter is PDA? I started saying ' I can't do that's or ' that's not possible at the moment' instead of NO where I can. I'm treated really disrespectfully at times. So I withdraw myself. I call out every little thing too. My instincts are right and the minimisation I can get in return from my teen is never listened to. I instead stand by my initial reaction. If it doesn't feel good then it's shitty behaviour and not ok. I repeat this continually.....

' I have explained that I don't like that way of speaking to me. When you love someone and they ask you to stop doing something, why don't you stop?'

Or -

' If you asked me to not do something that hurt you, I would stop immediately. Because I love and care for you. Why are you not doing that. Let us talk in a way that gets us both somewhere towards what we both need.'

If it doesn't stop or your words are minimised I just go separate myself from them. I won't re engage until there's acknowledgement and accountability.

This sounds extreme but I know what you're potentially experiencing and it's not the same as with NT kids. You also have the ex and the possibility they re enforce this crap and don't show accountability. You just cannot be a doormat.

If it gets too much then you can withdraw privileges. You deserve to be treated with compassion and kindness. You can debate, discuss an alternative view if your daughter has one. Being treated like a punk....no don't have that.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup no one prepared me for a child like this. I love her but she will take everything from you and still ask for more. She literally will count what’s on her plate and if it’s less she will kick up a fuss. Very little empathy and with the PdA will attack if it doesn’t go her way. It’s bad to need to have boundaries from your own young child but she batters my emotions. The head teacher has said she can be extremely manipulative and with the low empathy sees no issues if she can get something. It’s bloody hard as you know also!

What, blaming ourselves for our parents behaviour as we did in childhood, no that's not freeing, that's what caused us to originally think that if we were better or different or more well behaved or more like x or y then we wouldn't get the abuse. You are not making a controversial statement, rather a very ill judged one.

If someone has gone NC with you then it might be best looking at why that is.

Minimisation and victim blaming is a common technique for these people; a bit like your post. Not really welcome here, with respect. 🙏

The place many will eventually get to is indifference and an understanding that many of these rotters were victims at some point, many had awful childhoods.

The anger is an integral part of acknowledgement and healing for those who have and do live this.

Yes what you describe often comes with the territory where there's PDA.

It's tough I know but it's a signal to be really tough with boundaries. It's just difficult as a mum because of guilt and wanting to do anything to make our kids content. 💐

"The place many will eventually get to is indifference and an understanding that many of these rotters were victims at some point, many had awful childhoods."

This pretty much sums things up for me.

Can I ask has anybody had incidents of derealization? I've had a few occasions as an adult when my anxiety has been overwhelming. Looking back I think I did this a lot as a child to distance myself from my reality. It makes me question my memories.