May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

It's like this in my family too. Everyone dances around my mother. I don't think they know they are doing it. And then my brother is further to the right on the narc spectrum. He won't plot and strategise the way my mother does, but he will deny, deflect, blame and scapegoat. Zero accountability for anything and they celebrate him like he's the pope.

The first time I saw this clearly was when I was about to free myself from the system. My brother is renting and something needed fixing. So he called a tradesman and only later informed the landlady, who told him he should inform her first before doing anything unless he wants to pay for it himself. It pissed him off massively and he went straight to mummy and daddy who agreed with their golden child son about what a bitch she is and so on. He has no regard for others but himself and hates any sort of criticism. The enmeshment and entitlement is so clear in this.

@Twatalert yes, this is my family system. All these victims of abuse at hands of my brother are the problem.

My mum sat in my house 3 weeks ago, the last time, and a woman on TV was crying about abuse she'd suffered. My mother said ' oh shut up, you probably deserved it, crying about your abuse '.

What goes through her head is more unsettling than my brother. Although he does the more overt things, she's worse.

I wonder if some of the worst twisted narcs are female? Something goes very wrong with their nurturing gene. I wonder if they cause more damage than male ones as a mother is a child’s main source of emotional support. They seem to create narc boys and very damaged girls.

This is something DH and I have noticed - all of the people who are narcissists or have narc tendencies in our lives are female. We wonder if it’s just our bubble of the world (because of it running through generations of both our families) that is like that or if that is what it’s like generally.

If this thread is anything to go by it does seem to be mainly women, and the damage they do is devastating.

I just find the men a little more obvious. That and stereotypically females are supposed to be the caring nurturing ones so they much more messed up.

I sometimes wonder if more women are covert ones. I can think of a couple of men at work that have my nervous system screaming and I always get a sense that something isn't quite right. They would be more of the grandiose type.

Think about world leaders, politicians, CEOs. The narc rate amongst them would be higher and 99pc are men. They just find a different kind of supply.

I think men are allowed to be more grandiose. Women get frowned upon so they have to go covert.

My mum's covert and a pathological liar.

My sibling outs himself through behaviour over time. My mum hides it and appears so lovely.

Friends noticed how she never appeared when I was seriously sick in hospital. That's one obvious behaviour that was questionable. Perfectly fit and healthy so more than able to.

I'm following the P Diddy case; he's at sociopathic level at the absolute least. If you see footage of his mum going into court dressed in bizarre clothes; absolute enabler.

I would still love my son yet accountability always for anything like this crap. It's grotesque.

Very true. I was part of the enablement myself. For different reasons in different ways. I excused so very much hideous behaviour at times and was sympathetic to siblings pity story.

I'd always felt bad for him when we were little. I watched him be treated bad in physical ways. He was ' difficult ' but understandably to be fair. I'd feel great upset and compassion for the young boy. That's what fed my enablement for most my life.

As soon as I started asking very gently for accountability, I was turned upon.

I'm just watching a programme where professionals are calling P Diddy a sociopath. I called it! 😆💪

With our difficult nut jobs, it's scary to me to think how far along the continuum they are. Is it narc or next level sociopathic.

I watched a really old Oprah programme. I think it was Oprah. This oldish lady had hired a hitman to kill her daughters husband. Because she decided that was best. That was the reason. Her daughter had completely gone no contact with her.

The scary mum, grey hair and innocent in appearance, was interviewed with her gimp of an enabling husband whilst her estranged ( and incredibly brave, strong daughter) sat in the studio with her husband, who luckily didn't get killed. I can't recall why the mother wasn't in prison and instead being interviewed in her home 🤦😭

I read that not all narcs are abusive. I don’t know how that can be and I would assume that depends on who you ask.

I suppose it would depend on what you call abusive? To abuse you need to have some kind of power. By narc do you mean sociopath? I was reading something about how the vast majority of sociopaths arent CEOs and surgeons, they're the neighbourhood asbo nuisance chaotic, drunk, begging for credit at the corner shop for more alcohol. They can't hold down a job, relationship, accommodation. Grifters going from tenner to tenner.

I think there's an alarming crossover or misdiagnoses between adhd, sociopathy, autism, npd. They can look similar.

Maybe it was a narcissist who said not all narcissists are abusive. I don't think it's possible. They have a way of operating that cannot not be abusive.

There is a theory that personality disorders get misdiagnosed as ADHD, autism etc. A percentage of them. It makes sense. The psychiatry needs an overhaul. Lots with mental issues have been abused and are not 'sick' as such, but have reacted normally to adverse conditions. I'm sure some need to be medicated to function etc but a large chunk just needs to go straight into trauma therapy.

There was a time when I thought I'm autistic. That was before I knew what cptsd was and realised some can be undone in therapy.

I have ADHD, definitely was part of me before any trauma and I feel has increased the trauma for me. There is a distinction between this and sociopathy. I’ve got ASD friends and they definitely not anti social. We may be a little rigid etc but there isn’t any power balance going on. A lot of control I suppose but never any malicious intent. More like avoiding shopping or eating out or busy places. I can see a big difference between these people and my narc ex. The entitlement was ridiculous. Lots of ASD people have rejection sensitivity but it’s more often directed inwards whereas narcs direct it outwards. I’m not sure in a conflict situation how a narc could be anything other than abusive. My Narc ex was mostly only ever abusive when conflict was involved or I blamed him for something he had done. Or I cooked the wrong meal.

My hair stylist thinks he's got adhd. But he also has panic attacks, blood pressure and autoimmune conditions. Maybe he has ADHD but my brain went to trauma.

Being ADHD can lead to so much trauma. So much overwhelm. Then the shame for being different. This can lead to autoimmune conditions etc. An adhd brain is wired for faults, for patterns, it often spirals. It receives so much information the brain doesn’t know what to do with it. I stumble lots of words because of the spead my brain is processing but my mouth can’t go as quick. I also fall up and down stairs because my brain and my legs work at different speeds. Took me 4 attempts to learn to drive as the information coming in was too much for my brain to deal with and then turn and press buttons!

when it comes to processing emotions I just don’t know what to do most of time.

Through therapy and research/ reading, there are behaviours where Autistic/ADHD people may seem to be engaging in narcissistic like behaviour but it is not that.

The difference is ALL in INTENT. For some people who are ND, the intent is not to control, hurt, etc. Instead, behaviour that might seem gaslighting for example could be based in communication differences or interpretation, being brutally truthful and honest without wanting to harm.

With nsrcs and sociopaths, it is to hurt and control. With narcs, it's to deflect from inner shame and low self esteem, usually accompanied by absent empathy.

You can be ND and personality disordered, as much as an NT person would be personality disordered. One might see the risk of developing a personality disorder as greater in ND people who often do suffer alot of trauma and attachment struggles in this world.

I struggle to discern with my autistic teen son what is his ND state and what are inklings towards personality disorder type stuff. Had every card stacked against him to be fair.

Narcissism and sociopathy are not the same.

Sociopathy is further along the scale in terms of danger and potential harm. Apparently narcs have a greater need for validation and alot of behaviour is based in insecurity. It's slightly darker with sociopathy. A greater inclination towards violence to others and giving no shits.

I believe all sociopathic and psychopathic people are also narcissistic. But not all narcs are sociopathic or psychopaths.

In terms of a traffic light scale it would be

green ( mouldy green at that) - narcissist
amber - sociopath
red ( run for your bloody life) - psychopath

@Happyfarm you see that's the point. I dont want to turn this into an autism debate etc or deny anyone their experience, but most of what you describe applies to someone with complex trauma. They can be rigid, not very sociable, sensitive to rejection (what is this anyway. It's a spectrum.), sensitive to noise etc. You know how many times I cried because someone looked at me funny and I thought they must hate me!?.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup does an autism or ADHD assessment screen for intent ? I.e. for a possible personality disorder at once? I don't think any research is suggesting that autism or ADHD don't exist. Just that a percentage gets misdiagnosed when there is a personality disorder present instead.

I have lots of behaviour that looks like ADHD. I sometimes relate more to my Autistic son and his thinking and brutal honesty than other NT people. I'm not ND, but absolutely would be open to it if I was.

Instead, I'm highly traumatised, disorganised in my brain alot of the time, learnt helplessness, have been through years of therapy ( to become more authentic and truthful) and have horrible sensory problems from illnesses.

No offence but I assumed you were autistic! I don't know why. I'm pretty sure I am but I'm of an age where we masked so so much and SEN didn't really exist. And of course who cared about girls.

That makes sense, but if you think of a narc or soc they are desperate to control the environment, just like a asd. I have very low arousal in a crisis. There could be a massive horrific car crash in front of me and I won't scream and cry, I'll immediately go and help. I might cry silently as I do it. It looks like I'm not affected, and I suppose I'm not. I don't know whether that's trauma or asd. I suppose it doesn't matter.

I remember roller skating into a car when I was about 12 and injuring myself with a broken nose, lots of blood and it must have looked pretty awful.

It was at a club where we knew everyone and a man started running towards me with the first aid box.

Mother appeared and screamed 'oh my baby, my baby!' and the first aid man stopped running towards me and ran to tend to her.

She was taken to the bar to be comforted and given brandy. She never came near me.

My sister, who was only a teenager and had just passed her test had to drive me an hour across extremely complex traffic, we were abroad somewhere very foreign like Bombay and take me to the medical centre.

So, I'm good in a crisis.