May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

I'm happy, I'm a naturally joyous person. I'm very very lucky, I don't know how that bit of me survived. I'm very contented with tiny things like my seedlings growing. Even mum said you're very easily pleased aren't you? She probably meant it horribly but I am anyway. I'm even grateful for weather, I just love to hear birdsong or smell rain. I think I'm very very introverted, not shy, just very at peace with my own company. I was born that way and in some ways the mad foo didn't affect me because I knew they were weird, mad, unhappy and nasty.

It's not easy - however, coming away from SM is profoundly freeing and relaxing. You don't have to deal with any of that stress. Friends I have know I'm here in person and on WhatsApp - I have all settings on WhatsApp off so people don't know when you're on or last on. It's so so freeing.

It also helps with the narc/ sociopath problem, they can't see anything interesting about me.

This is what they wish they were you see. That's why they hate us. Because they're dead inside. I am very easily pleased and it's so obviously a better way to be.

I really didn't realise how bloody insane they are.

Looks like according to right move a let has been agreed on dm house my childhood home I am fine with it if dm is living with dsis it makes sense. I am so glad dd took the diaries and photos albums that dm did for dc as it has been cleared and i haven't been given my things back

No doubt the rental income will end up in dsis bank account for her personal spending nice little earner for her will opg do anything about it no I have no idea how she still has poa which i presume she still has given the fact she was just transferring money to her own account from dm for her own spending she wouldn't have had receipts proving it was spent on dm

Is what it is hopefully the truth about what she has been doing comes out eventually

Do you think it is possible to overcome all this?

Just coming to realise I've been experiencing something very odd from childhood and to this present day. It's a revelation.

I'm now questioning everything. Did what was going on at home make me a target at school? Is this why I struggle to maintain friendships as I feel I'm going to be back stabbed?

It makes me feel as though I've lost 40 odd years and angry I've allowed it to happen.

Don’t beat yourself up. We weren’t to know that the intentions of our loved ones weren’t to love and nurture us. You are not to blame for being affected. Our attachment to our parents affects every relationship we have with people. Parents like those on here do not make our attachments strong but often anxious and non trusting. I’m not sure about overcoming as many of us are on a journey still. Can life feel better, yeah definitely as you work through the emotions and learn to detach from what this childhood has done. I’ve wasted 40 years also so I make it my mission to try and enjoy my time now, but keeping my childhood at bay and learning what healthy and what’s not is an ongoing process.

I could scream at the fact I’m tied to another narcissistic family through my children. It’s hard enough coming from a toxic family, but knowing I didn’t have to be tied to these vile in-laws is driving me crazy.

They are so controlling. They have reared their ugly heads again trying to hoover my DH back into their madness. He is stronger than me and just holds firm on the fact he doesn’t want to have anything to do with them. I think the thing that drives me crazy is they take no accountability for their actions and so just throw all of the blame at me. They created the mess by being obnoxious, unwelcoming, bullying, excluding and playing favourites, but they have the audacity to blame me. I was always (too) amenable and welcoming to them, but they just couldn’t resist being nasty. Because I’m estranged from my family they’ve seen it as easy to blame me, which seems doubly cruel.

I just want some peace. That’s not asking a lot, I don’t think. But there is no escape when the bullies lurk in the family and are enabled by the rest of them. It’s the “WE ALL think……” shit that gets me. The bully with their little gang all nodding along.

Posted on here in the past about removing myself from a toxic family situation.

Found out yesterday that the first of my generation within our family had died very suddenly. In over ten years now, the only calls I've had from any 'family' members were about my parents deaths and this one.

Never contacted for weddings, anniversaries, engagements etc. Just deaths. Probably makes them feel better and more inclusive, or being seen to 'make up the numbers'.

I'm gutted as this person was the one I felt most affinity with until she was swept up into the toxicity too.

I shall go the funeral. In last, last out and straight to my car and away.

Strange day, Currently self medicating with industrial amounts of chocolate, a small side order of self pity/ confusion and a dessert of trying to keep it all in perspective and protect myself.

There may be more difficult conversations in the future for some of them, once everything is completed and I've respectfully given them time to come to terms with the loss.

To the so called 'mental health campaigners' who endlessly claim 'this will pass'. Kindly F! off. It often doesn't.

Rant over. I feel better for airing that. Thank you.

You see her. Of course you are breaking the cycle: it's always the scapegoat who breaks the cycle. Imo it doesn't matter she is not "your" child, because she is: she is the last generation of your ancestry, so she is in fact "yours" and you are indeed breaking the cycle.
I've read your story with your niece troughout past threads and it's one I find so inspiring, twatalert: your niece has something I had to create in my own imagination while I was her age to survive the awful truth of "there's nobody". She has you and you see her.

I just had to come face to face with my narc ex at a school event. How these narcs work is just beyond me. They act so well, you’d just never know. I don’t know how he could want to come to an event knowing the women he abused, physically and mentally would be there. They just have no soul, they should hide away but they hide in plain sight. Where is their conscience? I don’t think there was any power play, just simply showing up to perform in front of daughter. It’s like it never happened.

It all makes me realise how much wasted time we spend on trying to work these people out. They are busy living their best life (best to them) and we sat wondering what the hell happened. They have re-camouflaged themselves and we stand out.

I often wonder if they plot stuff out to do or just go along ad-hoc.

I have this feeling we project an awful lot onto them. I mean surely they must be sat at home thinking of ways to get to us considering the monumental amount of damage they have done. I had this moment today where I could have spiralled down into thinking did he come to upset me but then I just thought this isn’t about me. I have control over my day not him or anyone. I really don’t think they think that much at all, they just caused havoc by simply being.

My siblings seems to set up situations. Especially if I have to say to my Mum that I'm going somewhere or it's an in-laws birthday etc.

My Sister creates drama and always seems like she can't just be content and happy herself, there must be drama.

Another side to her is that she has to be seen as good girl to everyone.

Previously and through contact with my Mum, she has twisted the narrative of do many things.

I even got told by a relative that she'd paid my Mum's water bill (implying she had paid it out of her own pocket) where in fact she'd paid it using my Mum's bank card online. That's how small things are twisted all the time. Makes herself look like a saint.

This sums up what they do pretty well - They slide back to their life and we are the ones left standing out and looking like the problem.
It sickens me.
I wish Karma was a real thing.

So do I but I’ve started to realise that this thinking takes the softness out of me. I wish so much that it poisons my own mind. When our brains focus on these external people we feel hate and hate isn’t nice. It’s consuming at times. I’m so not a hateful person but they bring it out of you. I’ve stopped wishing for karma and wish good things instead for my little family.

Yes, this is so true.
It’s not in my nature either and I hate the way it makes me feel. It’s like they infect my mind.

I think it’s why I’d like to move away, I feel like me again when I’m away from this place with all of the constant reminders and triggers.

@FriendlyReminder Thank you for your kind words. You are the second poster to remind me that what I do is so important to my niece. I needed that. I forget and get so absorbed in the tragedy of what is her life and generational trauma. I hope some of what I do reaches her and something will stay. I hope it's enough so that when she's older she has had an experience of someone lifting her up instead of tearing her down. That she was good the way she is and enough for someone.

It would have meant so much if I had this. My therapist asked me a few times if I felt loved by anyone growing up or if I had someone who took an interest in me, a teacher for example, and it was a rough day when I realised there was absolutely nobody and that this is what others might have had and I didn't.

My therapist used the words 'disturbance' and 'there is a pathology' to describe some of my parents behaviours I had described to her. It sank in a bit more that my parents and especially my mother must be disordered. Sometimes I think of her as a covert narc and other times I just think 'they just treated me a bit poorly and it had an effect on me'. I think it seems a lot more disturbing to other people than to me. A couple of friends have told me before that what I described to them is sick. I don't think I fully grasp how disturbing their behaviour actually is.

Wouldn't it be amazing if my niece went to therapy in 30 years time and gets asked if growing up there was anyone who accepted her for who she is and she could think 'yes'. I wish that for her. It's one of the best possible outcomes given what she's going through and the damage it has already done to her. She's such a sweet girl and so innocent. I don't understand how they are treating her so terribly.

I think we can all act hateful around the wrong people, especially these narcs. It’s easy for them to point the finger at us and blame us but anyone would act like this if exposed to this toxicity, we aren’t special. It’s just that they don’t act like it to everyone. The thing is you can’t go back, you can’t unsee it all you can do is stay away from them.

I have massive realisations today. More incidents of scapegoating come to mind. I saw this story of an influencer whose son drowned in the pool. I jumped into a pool on holiday when I was three or four when nobody was looking. I remember the sensation of going under water and the pressure of the water on me and especially my face. The not being able to get to the surface. My father pulled me out.

I was told all my life that it happened because I didn't listen that I should wait until I was allowed to go in. I only understand now that it wasn't my fault. This is what 4 year olds do. They sometimes don't listen and get excited and forget. Cannot assess the risk. Took me 40 years to understand my parents were at fault.

Here I am telling it to the internet so at least it's out there. I wasn't naughty that day. Here's the truth.

I think I would tell my child that they mustn’t do it again and it’s dangerous, just so they maybe had some understanding to not go near the water. But yeah it’s our responsibility to keep an eye on our children but accidents unfortunately happen. I’d probably be too hysterical and hugging them to death. My little one touched something hot at the weekend and hurt her hand a little. She was fine but I was upset but she probably won’t do it again now she has experienced it.

I’ve been a bit sad lately because I moved away as soon as I could, 18 to the furthest uni and stayed there, I didn’t get to spend the time with my dad who I loved dearly and he died when I was 33. I did come back and visit.
I never realised I was fleeing from my mums behaviour and it’s hard for me not to blame her. I wish I’d have released and spent more time with him as he was such an amazing person to me.

I’m so grateful to have found this thread.

I recently made the decision to disclose to the police historic sexual abuse which happened to me at school, nearly 30 years ago. I disclosed it to my parents in childhood when trying to end contact with this man. It never got reported to the police, until now when I’m in my 40’s. My mother is very angry with me for reporting it to the police, she rang me to lay into me after she provided a witness statement to the police, which she provided without any pressure from me at all. I gave her a heads up about reporting it to police a few months before police contacted her. I apologised for the distressing nature of the matter. She is saying I should have asked her permission to report to police and that I’ve traumatised her and risk traumatising my sister if they contact her. I was upset on the phone when she laid into me about this and told her I didn’t think it was right and that I’m going to have to end the call. For context I grew up in a very unsafe household exposed my whole childhood to severe domestic abuse, & drug & alcohol abuse by my father. I’m lucky to be alive as he would sometimes drive at 110 mph with us in the car , often over alcohol limit and on coke. Of course this family situation made me vulnerable to the sexual abuse at school in the first place. I get that my mother is clearly traumatised, but to turn on me in this situation I find deeply hurtful and unacceptable. I have non-aggressively objected to it. She says she is 74 and I need to soften my approach when discussing complex matters with her, and be more respectful. And that she’s always been there for my children and I. She hasn’t remotely been! I am reeling from the blame and gas-lighting and am struggling to hold fast inwardly to my sense that I am not in the wrong here, hard as it all may be for her. To disclose to the police, I overcame years of self-blame and shame. It is the latest episode of her hurtful and domineering behaviour and I am considering a kind of estrangement from her, while still trying to facilitate her relationship with my children who do have a better bond with her and need grandparents, especially as their Dad sadly passed away after cancer. Thanks for reading.