May 2025 - 'We took you to STATELY HOMES' thread.

[Pleaseshutthefuckup]

Hope all ok with a new thread here. I've looked and can't find one anywhere past February.

She doesn't do a 🤣 emoji? Does it show as read?

@Dogaredabomb thanks, I might do little and often. It does remind me of my own mother though as I always felt (knew) it came with pressure and something was expected. I could always sense an anxiety and I don't want my nice to have any inkling whatsoever that I am fucking panicking and grieving.

No, she doesn't like it or do an emoji. I have read receipts switched off. Better for me.

I think work on changing this in your mind. Tweens and teenagers are very self absorbed even in the best of circumstances. Sometimes you just have to imagine them opening it and saying 'cool' but forgetting to close the circle and letting you know they received it, liked it, whatever. Your purpose in sending these trinkets (very small, less than a tenner) isn't the actual thing or even the response it's just keeping the door open for when she needs you in 10 years and you've been tucking away unwanted money into her escape fund. Everything is too difficult for her now, you're just waving a little flag. Don't send any mushy cards, they hate it.

Thanks, that helps.It just feels incredibly lonely.

Yes you are right. I was expecting contact to taper off as she becomes a teenager and I won't be cool for a while but this is way too abrupt. She's only 11 too. It triggers a lot in me and I need to handle it and under no circumstances must she get a whiff of it. I don't want to pass on the guilt, anxiety etc.

I'm not gonna lie I realise I had a fantasy in my head. I thought I could distance myself completely from the rest of the family and stay close to my niece. It wasn't going to work anyway. I just wasn't ready before for the idea that she'd pull back and my mother is playing her dirty tricks. She will live to 103 I'm sure. It feels like the final revenge from her.

It's ok, all you're doing is signalling your existence. She'll be unable to maintain a relationship with you really until she's much older. You'll be her kind lady with the plastic straw. It's almost nothing for you to have for yourself, but one day it will be big for her.

@Dogaredabomb thank you again. I suppose I will keep up the tradition of sending parcels and the odd text message. I thought it might be intrusive but I guess that's my own trauma talking. I got something out of the relationship with my niece, so need to forget about that. Just remain in existence as you say should she one day want and need to get one foot out their door.

I know she's a scapegoat for the lack of people in this family. There aren't enough people to have both another golden child and a scapegoat so they picked her as their scapegoat after me. My mother picked her when she was about 2. She's a nasty woman. I hope she won't suffer to much later on with physical and mental health problems.

I don't think they tell her of any of the good traits she has. It's always you are greedy, rude, slow and so on. They even blame her for her weight. She's become obese at only 11 years of age and they blame her. Like she needs to watch her own diet. My mother controls through food and her parents feed her crap. She's already using food to self soothe. Food and buying stuff. I'm really worried but there isn't anything I can do. I can't stay because it will ruin me.

You can't do anything except wait in the wings with an escape fund and somewhere for her to stay. Which is MASSIVE. I would have been deliriously happy to have that, you would have too. It's just not now.

I know. I'm going to figure this out and sort myself out. It's very sad. I'm sad. I'm not actually breaking any cycle if I don't have my own kids.

I'm losing the last bit of family. I know my niece isn't supposed to meet any of my emotional needs, but it's scary. I'm completely on my own.

I know you are, I've thought about that, it must be horrendous. I'm so thankful that I managed a couple of kids out of my shitshow of past 'relationships'. I struggled to get someone to witness my signature on something recently and realised that apart from the kids, I'm fucked.

Have you thought about having a child alone? I'd be petrified of that option.

I’m sorry this sounds hard. Loneliness is awful. Being surrounded by people who don’t see you and you hide yourself around is also so lonely.
The fall out of this childhood is sad sometimes.

I spent some time at the weekend with the in-laws and I managed it with no issues at all. What a difference. I’ve come to learn that people’s opinions of me are on them and not a reflection of me. They are based on their levels of empathy and compassion and some folk just don’t have a lot. It’s made me think just important that relationship is with your parents, your first ever view of yourself. The MIL was busy telling the other DIL not to make a fuss etc. I imagine now telling my own daughter not to makes a fuss. The reason behind the fuss doesn’t go away they just stop telling you and then stop telling themselves. I’m so glad that I have my empathy because I never do this to my own children. They are scared of and they are who they are and it’s not my job to tell them otherwise or toughen them up or get them to be like me. I’ve searched my whole life for approval for my feelings and then hide them away when it’s not met and then chaos is caused internally.

I don't actually want a child. I 'wouldn't mind' if it happened, but I don't long for it. Also, for the first time in my life I feel I can relax a bit and be comfortable, so why choose a life as a single mother without a network. It must be so stressful. I would never get out of therapy 😂

I once asked a neighbour, who was really a stranger, to witness a signature. Back in the day, a long time ago now, I put down the receptionist at my first job as my emergency contact at the GP as I didn't trust my parents. I still feel terrible about it. We should start a network for all who are estranged to witness signatures and be emergency contacts 😂

Good for you to have your kids. I'm sure you are breaking that cycle!

Trigger warning - very bad language. Scroll if offended.

I have no contact with a nephew I love very much. He is not the same as all of them. But there's no way on this earth I can go there again. He is beautiful inside and he's being eroded. I feel he will escape eventually. That's his journey. Like anyone else here,.it's theirs and there's nothing we can do.

I know that he knows I'm not the same. I know he knows why I can't contact his dad anymore without me saying a word. His dad will have told him many lies. I believe in time he'll realise they're lies. He already knows I'm sure. He used to tell me how much he hated his dad for hurting him so much. I had to keep it between us. I could do nothing against the system led by mother of mine. His own mum I realise also probably scared of my brother so also powerless. She has no family support and abusive family. I understand her predicament and the game she must play. Brother has a very good job. We can't win. We just sit back knowingly and I connect through my mind knowing we are not like them.

With the money stuff. It is as good as loo paper in my mind. What good is this when it's the tool to further torment. I'd rather wipe my backside now with it. See how much damage these people and their trinkets do and I would do everything to never think of it ever again. It's like a choice - my health, my mental health, my physical health, my dignity, my soul, my true nature, all my strengths, all my values, truth, honesty:compassion, empathy. I feel we are all going to be the same type of people on here being snuffed out. If I could set fire to the inheritance or any trinkets that perpetuate this, I would. I won't be anywhere near receiving anything and I really couldn't care. It's useless to me. It's mention has however been used again and again by mum in the most appalling ways. I can't even repeat it, it's appalling.

I am this week so sick,and I mean ten times more than I've ever been because the anxiety pain in my stomach has sent every autoimmune illness against me. I can't eat, I can't move. I am in crippling agony and fear from how bad my illnesses make me. My anxiety has done this. Realising they're dangerous to me in this position, because they don't have any empathy - realising no change is coming, realising I must detach completely because mother will not stop and NC with brother is just being fed through her as if he's in my life still. She's actually worse than him. It a different type though.

My own teen is part of it and going the wrong way and a problem to me also. I knew instinctively. The environment was never going to stop that anyway for him. I have tried endlessly to correct and explain toxic behaviour but I see how it's just how he is and I have to back away there.

I now for the first time realise - this is where my anxiety problems all came from. My family system. I had no idea and the narrative was always I'm over emotional,not the strong one.

I now realise I'm incredibly strong because without sounding dramatic, I should be dead based on hiw very ill I've been for so long.

Oh my word how we have been so strong, strong for so long. We have been forced to the absolute depths of our strength and it does take its toll. My fatigue is terrible at the moment. Not emotionally set off anymore but I’ve been over doing too much good stuff. It’s not fair! We are silent warriors though, no medals or proud family. Having a child get absorbed into this is just another punch. Narcissistic folk are like society, all consuming, always hungry, relentless beasts.

@Pleaseshutthefuckup A few times now I thought how wise you are when I read your posts. I know you are also because of the misery you are in. You have had to look at it from every angle and some of the conclusions you draw are a valuable perspective for me. May I ask how old your nephew is?

I have started to understand that as humans we are wired a certain way from when we are born and this will decide over whether or not we will try to leave such a system or not. I know not all scapegoats actively want to leave. It is bizzare to me but I know some stay in the system for whatever reason. I don't mean those too ill to leave. In hindsight I know I had this very thing that made me leave in me from when I was a young child. I remember sensing it. I was never going to put up with the unacceptable. I knew what I wanted. I knew I was not like them. I had just lost it for a few decades before I found it in me again.

I am not 100% certain that we are born wired to leave or not. We are all born with the instinct to survive. I fully believe that if I was picked as a golden child I would have been a different person because I would not have felt the need to leave to survive. The need to flee to survive was forced upon us and nature took over. It’s not the children who are at fault, we aren’t born GC or scapegoat, we are forced to adapt to an assigned random role.

@Happyfarm You are right in that sense, and I didn't really mean that 'leaving' or 'staying is ingrained'. I meant that it will be within the person whether or not they seek truth and freedom or willingly submit to the system. Personality comes into play and cannot be tweaked. I never accepted my scapegoat role. I always, always fought it, which in hindsight meant my mother made my life even more difficult. I don't know if I was randomly picked as the scapegoat. In hindsight I could imagine I was picked because of how I was. I was never going to shut up. I always pointed out things, injustices, poor behaviour. My mother needed to control me to protect her self image and so I was her outlet to project all her shit onto.

I don’t think anyone would accept a scapegoat role, ego doesn’t like this. I do believe had I have been a GC I could easily have turned out very differently. I think the role we have been given plays a huge part. Who knows the reason for the assignment of roles, I think it’s irrelevant. I can see it in one of my child’s friends. She is so insecure and quiet and gentle but her mum pushes and pushes her and she is a terrible controlling friend. Her ego is adapting to the insecurity and the mums pushing by thinking she has power if she controls. She could easily be nurtured different as she so sensitive and be a loving friend.

@Twatalert that's kind. Nephew is about 16. Hopefully off before long and out of it.

I was blind consciously tbh. Always felt something was extremely wrong. Always felt upset by my mum and didn't understand it all and my feelings, thinking it was me. Now I know. It was not me.

I have to be responsible now as an adult and not blame parents for every life outcome. However, these systems are another level of unfairness. I was golden child, highly compliant puppet.

Now I am scapegoat and have been a while. That has become extreme as I've been more unwell, as it would. Im also significantly more resistant and behaving differently which of course is a problem for them isn't it.

I've had counselling for over 15 years and this is how long it takes. She would repeatedly try gently help me see. But it's only when you're ready or life makes you ready. I understand that saying to someone just go NC really isn't that simple.

Going NC is not simple at all. It seems like it’s a slow process of realisation that must come from learning why you are unhappy. Realising that you beat yourself up for not living up to someone else’s vision of you. Learning that you are amazing and worthy just how you are and if someone can’t see that it’s their problem. Growing that non existent self esteem and getting rid of that false ego and terrible learned behaviours. Only those willing to face themselves can get to this because it’s ugly at times. All children are born worthy, no matter if they sensitive, strong, out going, introverted etc. society puts too much pressure on your productivity when we need all sorts of people. They want to squash out free thinkers because we are hard to control.

I find this a fascinating discussion. I attribute some of my health issues not just to what was done to me, but also to the fact that I tried to live against what is in my essence for so many years. I tried to comply with the system, which wasn't me, and I tried to be something I wasn't in areas of my life and my system was rebelling and I became ill.

In your example, I can't help but wonder if the child's ego is truly adapting or if it is just suppressing, so not actually adapting, because it wants to be loved by mum. The child may go through life and try and do this forever and ever but won't be herself. I think you can only nuture what is already there. You cannot create something in someone and then nuture.