Should my wife support me on this?

[OzzyGrandad]

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

You didn't make a mistake

For whatever reason you chose to do something no adult, no child older than about 5, does

And you've held on to your anger for months

You designed the problem, you fuelled the issue and you are still doing so

Grow up!

LOL at all the hate for starting to eat

tgis is just not something to be upset about

you are not a bad person for being hungry LOL

You were bloody rude, why did you ask someone very very busy and concentrating on something else? Because you knew she wasn't concentrating and you would get your own way. You must also have known they wanted to say Grace so you were extra rude.

Not sure of the format here but I am replying to IButtleSir. My wife & I are the full time carers of our grandson. (Our daughter is incapable)The person who verbally abused me is the father of my grandson. We give him & his mother custody of our 4 year old grandson at the weekends. We spent Christmas at the in his mothers house since he was born. (Just to help clear it up).

We call that a (massive) drip feed. Your grandchild has two parents who are incapable. Presumably if you were not carers, the child would be in foster care.

Rise above it for the sake of your grandchild. Obviously the guy is an abusive idiot, but were he not an abusive idiot, you would not have his child.

From what you have explained about family relationships I think you just need to think about the needs if your grandson. Do you want to be estranged from your grandsons father which could create a lot of problems? I think you may just have to put your feelings aside, be civil and get on with it.

Your wife probably thinks it’s time for you to let go of this grudge, if only for your grandson.

The child’s father ( the son) sounds like he is a horrible piece. He got your disabled daughter pregnant, and basically has no consequence.

I see that you waived maintenance but that was a mistake in my view. You could be investing that for your grandson’s future if you don’t need it.

The son was extremely rude and should have apologised for that, but it sounds like the grudge goes further back between the two of you.

The Mother was being a good hostess. You wrongly asked if you could just begin eating, she, as a polite hostess, said yes. You should not have asked.
If your food was getting cold, so was hers. You ate before she sat down by the sound of it.

So basically, this is the tale of two very rude males , and their dick-swinging contest.

Don’t be ridiculous

The son was an ass, so he wanted to say grace but instead launched into a tirade of s abuse…..do you not see the dichotomy there?
Then the next day called him a dick head

Complete overreaction on the sons part as the man had politely asked if he could start

I think the wife is right to try and stay out of it though, but if I were her I wouldn’t have been overly friendly with him

But you think the OPs wife should leave him over this……have some bloody sense ?!?!

You completely made all of that up.

(And if you only have an informal kinship care in place, you might want to think about the implications of that if you feel the father might become more abusive, or controlling.) This is a helpful charity for example:

kinship.org.uk/

You're too focused on your own ego. Your wife is focused on your grandchild.

Yes, you made a mistake. Yes, your grandchild father was rude in response. Yes, he should have apologised.

But he didn't, so you need to put the whole thing behind you now because it is in the best interests of your innocent grandchild for you to maintain good relationships with his wider family.

Sometimes being right is not the most important thing. And your wife recognises that.

Was the word “sorry” in your conversation?
You seem to be incapable of even thinking the word, whilst expecting it to be said to you.
You regretted….made a mistake blah blah but at the end of the day you did make a mistake, you were called out on it and then the next day, instead of moving on over a regrettable incident, felt the need to contact him and berate him for his behaviour whilst, yet again, excusing your own. And now, months later, are bleating about how your wife should be falling out with them as well.

Have a word with yourself.

You seem more angry that he 'disrespected' you at Christmas than the fact he got your disabled daughter pregnant, leaving you as defacto parents (which I totally commend)
Your grudge match is 100% being felt by this innocent child.
Grow up & get over yourself.

So the son had sex with your disabled daughter who is incapable of looking after the child, doesn't pay maintenance, shouts at you at the table about bad manners then swears in a text message. He sounds unhinged and this type of person is unlikely to ever apologise. He certainly doesn't seem to have Christian values to merit saying Grace - what a twat.

You were probably wrong in starting the meal early, but did anyone else intervene when the shouting was going on? I bet it was an embarrassing dinner.

I can see why your wife would want to keep out of it for the sake of your daughter and grandchild as the father is likely to be in your life for a few years to come. Please try to move on - it's the son who's a dickhead.

But to be fair it sounds as though your wife has better social skills than you so doesn’t get herself backed into corners by her own inability to read a situation. You need to watch how she negotiates life with other people and try to copy her.

For example, I bet if she was ever in a similar situation she wouldn’t have texted in the expectation of an apology, she would have phoned texted and apologised for her bad manners in starting to eat before everyone else.

I think its a good thing when men call out other men for behaving piggishly.

I think our grandsons father is a shitty person. He shouldn't have said anything to you on Christmas, and he should not have insulted you by message when you apologised. (Not sure of your daughters situation, but did he take advantage of her disability??). He should be grateful that you are raising his son singlehandedly.

Agree, any normal person would let it go, or say something discreetly

Even though you asked your daughter's MIL if you could start eating, it was still rude. Why wouldn't you wait until everyone was sitting down and had been served before you started eating?

Your daughter's BIL was overly aggressive and his language was uncalled for. I'm surprised that someone who insists on saying grace is swearing like he has done.

Your wife just wants to keep the peace and maintain good relationships with your daughter's in-laws, which is understandable. You can't dictate how she can behave towards this man.

Come on. He was told he could start. Weird to start but nonetheless he was told.
it’s extraordinary that someone wanting to say grace doesn’t see the irony of launching into an abusive tirade and telling someone to fuck off.
very god like behaviour 🙄

He's not going to apologise, no matter what you do. So, now what? Hold the grudge until one of you dies? Be the bigger person for the sake of your grandchild.

Where is your daughter in all this?

How does she feel about her husband and father at loggerheads?

Asking to start is very different to being told to “please go ahead and start eating”. It is considered very rude to most people to either ask or simply start without everyone else being seated. Agree not very “godlike” behaviour though! Berating someone for perceived “lack of manners” in a social setting is just as rude, if not worse considering he got embarrassingly aggressive.

let it go. You were extremely rude to start before the table was completely finished. Everything stems from that (are you always "my way or the highway"?)

Was your disabled daughter able to provide informed consent to having sex with him? Were they in a relationship? He does sound pretty horrible, but the whole situation at the meal was probably just embarassing for your wife.

Do you and your wife have parental responsibility for your grandson? Maybe your wife is just worried that he may try to get full custory of your grandson if she doesn't try and keep the peace by being pleasant.

I think you're getting a bit of a hard time on here OP. You made a faux pas over dinner but the son wildly over reacted.

For the sake of your wife and grandson, I'd draw a line under it because men like that will never change. The fact he can't take responsibility for his own child speaks volumes about his character.