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Original poster

Should my wife support me on this?

555 replies

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 07:19

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

OP posts:
ThisZanyPinkSquid · 10/05/2025 22:04

Also would like to mention the son sounds like a vile human being. He took advantage of your daughter, he doesn’t pay child support and you still let him see the child….this needs to go through courts as if he took advantage of your daughter who couldn’t consent then it’s r*pe!!!!

Commonsense22 · 10/05/2025 22:05

I'm really surprised to see so much outrage that someone had started eating, after asking no less!

Really not a big deal. What is bizarre is someone losing their mind and yelling at the offended, spoiling the meal for everyone else.

It sounds like OP joined in the argument though which is equally bad, then wrote an aggravating message which is even worse. A simple message to the daughter's ILs apologising would have sufficed.

As for expecting your wife to bear grudges for you...it sounds like your anger management problems are as bad as the guy who was abusive.

WtP · 10/05/2025 22:07

OK let's back up a bit here, are you American as there a way more "Z's" in your posts where most people would use "S"?

steff13 · 10/05/2025 22:11

If I were hosting a holiday dinner and someone asked if they could start before everyone was assembled at the table, I would say yes. But inwardly I would be incredulous that they asked, because I find that terribly ill-mannered. For context, I am in the US and my mother was a SAHM who cooked dinner every night. We were raised that we did not eat until my mother was seated with food in front of her. As a full-grown adult I still will not start eating until the person who prepared the meal is seated and ready to eat. So my table manners may be weird but in my mind that's just how it works.

If I were the mother in this scenario I would have been mortified if my son had treated a guest in the manner the OP was treated by the grandchild's father. I would have asked him to excuse himself from the table and insisted he apologize. While the OP committed, to my way of thinking, a faux pas, there's no excuse for that behavior.

I don't think it's appropriate for OP to dictate how his wife treats the child's father. That's for her to decide.

Lost20211 · 10/05/2025 22:12

VivX · 10/05/2025 21:52

Most people, including myself, have agreed that the son was terrible.
(Some of the subsequent chat focusssing on the manners is possibly because the OP changed their story, so possibly you missed all that)

However, it's May and the OP is still going on about it and is now annoyed his wife hasn't joined him in his sulk.

Yes, there are definitely bigger things to be worried about and perhaps the OP should focus on those instead of holding a grudge.
If the OP is to be believed, the father sounds like he took horrible advantage of OP's dd and yet this is the hill the OP wants to die on.
If those aren't odd priorities, I'm not sure what is.

Anyway, I'm with the wife in this story.

Show quote history

I didn’t notice that he had changed his story, resulting in the chat about manners. Guess that explains that.

I also didn’t see his later post about the nature of his daughter’s condition. Good God. That poor woman.

Odd priorities indeed.

Missj25 · 10/05/2025 22:13

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 07:19

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

I cannot get over the posts here & that’s honest to God ! !
Ok , the man shouldn’t have started eating , but ffs , that doesn’t warrant someone going off like a lunatic ! ..
It was Christmas Day & there were children present aswel ..
To message the OP back with more foul language ..
That’s not ok in my book ..
Sounds like one angry dude ..

I think your wife is right to stay well out of it though ..

I’ll be honest it sounds mental to me ..
I’m picturing my house here & if someone started to eat Xmas dinner before everyone else , there is no way anyone would react like that , thankfully…

ReadingSoManyThreads · 10/05/2025 22:24

So this scumbag raped your daughter, because if she doesn't have mental capacity, she couldn't consent. Then he verbally abuses you (yeah, bet that looked impressive in front of his religious ex druggie mates).

Are social services involved at all? If so, I'd be telling them, getting them onside to support you formalising full-time custody through the courts, then hitting him for child support payments.

Why are you helping him pay off his mortgage? (by not accepting child support).

Your wife, I can see why she's taking that stance, she likely doesn't want him to take your grandson off of you both.

If you haven't already, you need to put in place who will become his legal guardian when you and your wife die, to help prevent this scumbag having him.

At first I thought you were rude for starting, but given the whole circumstances, this guy is a total nasty scumbag. Save that text he sent you as evidence for the courts.

ballettap · 10/05/2025 22:27

Haven't read all the comments, but the first few are particularly harsh.

We don;t eat until everyone is ready, but the OP asked first, At most it should have been 'we normally wait until everyone is eating'.

Verbal abuse is never ok. So not only is the OP raising this mans child, he got verbally abused in front of everyone, then got more abuse over text. I fail to see how he is in the wrong.

People saying his wife should leave him and on the side of the verbally abusive man who can't even look after his own child full time? Wow.

Blogswife · 10/05/2025 22:32

For the sake of your Grandson you have to let this go . He shouldn’t have spoken to you like he did and your table manners left a lot to be desired however stewing on it for 4 months and holding grudges isn’t really conducive to positive shared parenting .
Be the bigger man and behave as your wife is doing ( like an adult) . She isn’t taking sides or “not supporting “you she’s just choosing to move past this argument for the sake of your GS . He might only be 5 but he will pick up on the atmosphere .

GeorgeMichaelsCat · 10/05/2025 22:32

Lost20211 · 10/05/2025 21:56

You said in one post (that I noticed) the verbal abuse was unacceptable. In your other posts on this thread, you seem to have focused on his supposed rudeness and greed.

He started eating before the others sat down, after the hostess said it was ok. It’s just not that big a deal. If he ate a huge amount of food, leaving little for everyone else, then I would agree he was being greedy. But that’s not what happened, was it?

Like I said, we all have our own opinions and tolerances, to which we’re entitled. We’ll just have to agree to disagree. Have a nice evening.

Show quote history

We will have to agree to disagree.

If you are that greedy you cannot politely wait for others to take their seat before you start eating, I suggest the issue is with that person and food.

Casperroonie · 10/05/2025 22:36

MumChp · 10/05/2025 07:21

Your wife does better in life than you.

What a horrible thing to say.

TinyFlamingo · 10/05/2025 22:43

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 09:04

relying to HopingForTheBest25 It is not mandated by the court for him to have access. My wife & I want our grandson's father in his life. We want to have a good relationship, but, unfortunately I can't get over the torrent of aggressive abuse I received that day. I have remained courteous but not friendly & have asked my wife to do the same, to make him aware of how humiliated I feel, but she does not understand my feelings on this & is still supporting him. In other words "Abuse my husband all you want, anytime, we can still be friends". No need to apologize.

He won't learn anything from your wife being curt. She is NOT supporting him. She is supporting a strained and difficult situation for the best of her grandson.
If he's such a turbulent person she's likely trying to not rick the boat for her grandsons sake.
OP stop being such a baby. You'll never get an apology from this type of person. Get over it for your grandson. You dont have to like the guy, be civil but stop weaponising the situation to make yourself the victim all this time later. Get over it. Get on with it. Stop sulking. Your poor wife has 2 children to deal with! She must be a saint.

Emmz1510 · 10/05/2025 22:50

You showed bad table manners but the son definitely overreacted by subjecting you to a tirade of abuse. So yanbu to be annoyed about that.
However, yabu to still be annoyed about it months later and, I suspect, holding a grudge against your wife all this time for not ‘supporting’ you. If you were annoyed you should have communicated that the son and tried to deal with it yourself by saying something like
‘I’m sorry I was rude, but it didn’t warrant being yelled at by you, can we move past this please for the sake of our grandson’.
Leave your wife out of it and don’t punish her for someone else’s behaviour.

Numberfish · 10/05/2025 22:54

Excitedbride2b · 10/05/2025 14:36

He still shouldn't have asked. It's the height of bad manners

Show quote history

No, the height of bad manners is to text ‘F off, Dhead’ to the grandfather of your child politely asking for an apology for being aggressively treated for making a simple mistake. Get some perspective.

EmeraldShamrock000 · 10/05/2025 22:54

You were rude, his reaction was over the top. He needs to be more mature for DGS.
Your DW wants to keep the peace for DGS. There is no point creating more animosity.

Littlejellyuk · 10/05/2025 23:07

I have skimmed through the thread as much as I can and I wanted to ask OP a couple of questions:

  1. Where did you sit at the table?
  2. Why did you carve the meat?

It feels like I've missed something.

AlmostLate · 10/05/2025 23:12

Some incredibly rude posts on here.
You recognise that you made a mistake, and his outburst sounds awful.
I would maintain your current stance if I, honest.
Dont expect your wife to negotiate on your behalf, it will just make things more difficult.
I feel for you, after you were verbally abused, it sounds frightful, but for your own sake, let it go now, to maintain civilities.
Dont expect an apology as the man sounds horrible.

You already know he’s a horrible character. Expect nothing less.

housemaus · 10/05/2025 23:13

You were rude (even if you were told it was okay, I'd still have waited if nobody else dug in!), but his response was well out of line. Having said that, no good comes of you taking a stand over it now - smoothing things over for your grandson is more important than being 'right'. Your wife's approach is correct.

Littlejellyuk · 10/05/2025 23:14

OzzyGrandad · 10/05/2025 12:35

I tried to keep my original message as brief as possible, & in doing so I have caused confusion amongst many responders. My grandson is 4 years old. His mother, (my daughter) had an episode with an illegal drug which left her with mental scars & is officially mentally disabled. From birth the baby boy has been in my wife's & my full time care. The father is not married to my daughter but wishes to have a relationship with his son (for which I am happy to facilitate). He is single & works full time. He has the grandson (Locky) on Saturdays & his mother (Nana) has him on Sundays. We usually drop him off to the fathers house & he usually returns him to our house.
We had a friendly good relationship, having Christmas at Nana's every year. Grace was never performed until this last year. (Possibly because a friend of the father was religious) He & his fathers 2 friends who were in attendance had been in a drug rehabilitation clinic where religion was a priority.
The dinner was almost ready to go (the meat had been sitting there & beginning to go cold) & people were milling around, so I asked the host (Nana) are we ready to go? She said yes "Get stuck in") So I led the way, sat down & started carving the meat. Everyone else also sat down following my lead & were about to tuck in when the father began his tirade. I am not sure of exactly what he said because I was so shocked, but I can assure you it was aggressive, belittling & humiliating. All the other guests (fathers family & friends) sat there in silence.
I texted him the following day that his verbal abuse was not acceptable & I would not tolerate it in future. His response was F off - D head, I'm not apologizing.
Do people really expect me to accept this.
My response is to maintain a polite relationship, to continue with the grandson sharing, but I cannot be friendly with him now until he apologizes, or at the very least recognizes the hurt he has caused me. I did express regret about starting the dinner before he was ready, as an olive branch, but that was rejected.
Had he directed that tirade to my wife, I would whole heartly have supported her, however, she prefers not to get involved therefore supporting the father. Encouraging him to do or say whatever he likes to me with no consequences.

So I led the way,
sat down & started carving the meat. Everyone else also sat down following my lead & were about to tuck in when the father began his tirade.

  1. So you lead the way from where?
  2. You sat down where? At the head of the table?
  3. Carved the meat that was only on your plate or the big roast piece of meat for everyone?
  4. You physically started eating when he verbally abused you?

Sorry for the questions, but I'm trying to paint a picture.
He's a prick for having a go at you, btw.

Nominative · 10/05/2025 23:15

I have remained courteous but not friendly & have asked my wife to do the same, to make him aware of how humiliated I feel, but she does not understand my feelings on this & is still supporting him.

I don't understand what you're aiming to achieve by this. How do you work it out that a course of being given the cold shoulder by both you and your wife will suddenly make it dawn on him that you feel humiliated, and even if it does, what do you want to happen then? If you want it to cause him to apologise, you know that that just isn't going to happen, surely? So are you planning to continue like for the rest of your life?

GreenSkyes · 10/05/2025 23:20

Why are you having Christmas dinner in May?
Honestly, I think it was a dick move not to wait, why would you even ask to start eating?
This entire thing sounds made up.
Your wife sounds reasonable and lovely. You sound like an idiot and I suspect their is significantly more to this story than you're saying. The person who was rude, shouldn't have been, you both should've been more respectful.

londongirl12 · 10/05/2025 23:22

GreenSkyes · 10/05/2025 23:20

Why are you having Christmas dinner in May?
Honestly, I think it was a dick move not to wait, why would you even ask to start eating?
This entire thing sounds made up.
Your wife sounds reasonable and lovely. You sound like an idiot and I suspect their is significantly more to this story than you're saying. The person who was rude, shouldn't have been, you both should've been more respectful.

I’m assuming this has been going on since Christmas

pinkglitter12 · 10/05/2025 23:23

With respect, this is all very petty and isn't there something else to worry about more?

GreenSkyes · 10/05/2025 23:25

londongirl12 · 10/05/2025 23:22

I’m assuming this has been going on since Christmas

Show quote history

Oh, wow! That didn't even cross my mind. Feeling a bit silly, but never thought someone would post something that sounds really recent, that happened months ago.
Thanks 😊

Littlejellyuk · 10/05/2025 23:31

GreenSkyes · 10/05/2025 23:20

Why are you having Christmas dinner in May?
Honestly, I think it was a dick move not to wait, why would you even ask to start eating?
This entire thing sounds made up.
Your wife sounds reasonable and lovely. You sound like an idiot and I suspect their is significantly more to this story than you're saying. The person who was rude, shouldn't have been, you both should've been more respectful.

I suspect there is more to this story too 🤔