Should my wife support me on this?

[OzzyGrandad]

My wife & I attended a Christmas dinner at our daughters in laws. The dinner was on the table but there were still a few items to be placed & finalized. I asked my daughters mother in law if it was ok to start, she said yes. The rest of the party sat down & I had already begun eating. (I admit was not a good move). I believe the son of the mother in law wanted to say grace before dinner & was angry that I had started. He launched into a tirade of abuse, aggressively belittling me about my bad manners. I tried to explain that his mother had said it was ok to start, but this was ignored. I remained calm for the rest of the evening & then we went home. The next day I texted the son, explained my position & informed him that I would not tolerate such verbal abuse again, hoping he would regret being so abusive & apologize. He texted back, F off D Head.
We drop our grandson at his house every weekend & he returns him on Sunday. I asked my wife, when he drops his son off, to be courteous, but to not show any of the usual friendliness, just pick him up & say goodbye until he apologizes to me for his behavior. My wife refused, saying it was between me & him. She behaved as if nothing had happened & was friendly.
My question to the readers of this story is, should my wife have agreed to just be courteous & not friendly, or was she right to ignore my feelings on the matter.

Having read all your posts OP, I can set the scene now. You possibly jumped the gun, but in no way did you deserve the tirade of a telling off for getting started on a table of waiting food - after you had been given permission to do so.

Sounds like you and your wife are thoroughly decent folk for stepping up for your DGS like this. Don't hold how your DW is handling things against her though.

This is something you must let go of. You can take this one for the team because however the father behaved, everyone saw it. Move on from it and focus on the little boy in your care. He is what matters most.

What would you call a tirade calling someone a fucking dick head, if not abuse?

He called him a dickhead the next day when op messaged him. He never called him that at the table.

That doesn't excuse it.

It doesn't no but the op should have left it and not messaged the next day

I have already posted and said the verbal abuse was unacceptable.

It wasn't a 'lapse in etiquette', it was pure greed.

OP,
I understand how such an event can sometimes gnaw at people for months afterwards.

May I suggest that what you really need from your wife is some sort of validation (understanding) of how much it hurts you that the father of your daughters child was/is an unpleasant man who has been abusive to you, and you would like her to recognise fully how unpleasant dealing with him is. So please ask her specifically for that.

In addition however, I don't think that either of you need or want to alienate the unpleasant "son-in-law" because you both enjoy looking after your young grandson.

I think your wife is likely acting on this need and not meaning to invalidate you by being friendly. So please ask her for the recognition/validation but also leave her the freedom to go about keeping on good terms, which is in both your interests.

Do you think you could discuss it like this with her?

You made a ridiculous comparison that is nothing like the situation. And to say it’s not right to berate him is basically to agree it’s a non issue, otherwise a huge reaction would be reasonable wouldn’t it?

If I remember rightly from the OP, it was a Christmas meal at his grandson’s paternal grandmother’s house. That’s not a formal meal. It’s a family gathering that sounds like happens each year for the benefit of grandson. And with permission of the host to start OP didn’t do anything wrong.

Grandsons father was absolutely rude. You apologised and tried to explain that his mum had said it was ok for you to eat. However, this guy has regular contact with you for the sake of his child who you are raising because your daughter can't and I guess he doesn't want to raise his child full time therefore your wife doesn't want animosity on the weekly basis that you have to have contact with him during that time he has his child. He sounds like he needs to grow up and stop acting so childish. Your wife is just trying to be amicable for the sake of your grandson though and you can't really expect her to be kind of hostile towards him as your grandson will pick up on it. The guy absolutely should apologise but you know he probably won't. Honestly you're wasting your time waiting for an apology that won't happen but don't make your wife feel bad for trying to keep things civil for the sake of your grandson

Did this man take advantage of your daughter? Did he rape her, or did she consent to sex?

I would find it incredibly rude to walk into the meal to see that someone has already served themselves and started eating!! Absolitely unacceptable, if it was a buffet or "picky bits" then I might let it slide. But a sit down meal, with family, your behaviour is just plain bad manners. Would you have faded away from malnutrition if you had to hang on for 10 more minutes, in order so that the whole family can tuck in altogether?! Ridiculous!!

Still no need for hid grandson's father to berate him in front of everyone because he apparently wanted to say grace!

Yep, some posters are so bloody high & mighty.

I think you should have waited to eat.
However, someone unleashing a torrent of abuse, including Fuck off dickhead because they couldn't say grace implies that religion hasn't done them any good and they are in no way able to hold the moral high ground.

Seeing that you have spent a few of those dinners with them already, I think that you should have known to wait for him to say the grace. I’m surprised you even asked. I mean you knew the involvement of the friends and his his with religion. The fa t it’s new doesn’t mean it shouldn’t be respected.
You should have apologised rather than giving excuses (I asked your mum). That would have been a much better ‘olive branch’

The father was also wrong in insulting you like this. He should also have apoligised for his reaction and the verbal abuse.

I think the fact you are the guardian of your grand son complicates matters A LOT.
I imagine there’s a lot of resentment on the father’s side. And I can Akso see why your wife wants to keep things smooth with him. Both for your grandson sake and for your dd sake.
I don’t think your dwife should automatically support you no matter what. After all, it’s also possible you’re wrong! But depending on how the relationship between all of you go, she might well have a point.
Id be very careful, forvtye sake of your grandson to not make it a point of friction if everything was good beforehand. Wanting an apology is fair enough. You apologising should also happen. What shouldn’t happen is for tension to get established and a tit fur tat attitude to replace the harmony you had before. You might well have to be the grown up abd apologise first there.

OP did apologise on the day and after.

His wife agrees SIL was out of order.

Had the SIL spoken to OP's wife the way he did and OP didn't support her, it would be a unanimous LTB.

So predictable!

Yes, OP was rude, but to text your FIL that he's a D-head shows out SIL's true colours.

Most people, including myself, have agreed that the son was terrible.
(Some of the subsequent chat focusssing on the manners is possibly because the OP changed their story, so possibly you missed all that)

However, it's May and the OP is still going on about it and is now annoyed his wife hasn't joined him in his sulk.

Yes, there are definitely bigger things to be worried about and perhaps the OP should focus on those instead of holding a grudge.
If the OP is to be believed, the father sounds like he took horrible advantage of OP's dd and yet this is the hill the OP wants to die on.
If those aren't odd priorities, I'm not sure what is.

Anyway, I'm with the wife in this story.

Your original post is confusing- why would you ask your daughter’s mother in law if it was ok to start eating when you should have asked DIL who was the host, or your child who is married to DIL, or if DIL’s mum was involved in the meal, ask her?

You said in one post (that I noticed) the verbal abuse was unacceptable. In your other posts on this thread, you seem to have focused on his supposed rudeness and greed.

He started eating before the others sat down, after the hostess said it was ok. It’s just not that big a deal. If he ate a huge amount of food, leaving little for everyone else, then I would agree he was being greedy. But that’s not what happened, was it?

Like I said, we all have our own opinions and tolerances, to which we’re entitled. We’ll just have to agree to disagree. Have a nice evening.

The tirade of aduse from son in law was disproportionate to the crime committed. FFS you started eating before others which was rude but he could have just said, please stop I want to say Grace. He unleashed abuse and continues to do so. This is appalling behaviour and he needs to apologise for this, and get some help. He sounds like an utter fuckwit, totally vile. But have you apologised to all involved for your minor balls up? It'll help.

As for your wife, she is right in letting you sort your own problems. She wants peace and a relationship with her daughter amd grandchild.

As for the MN response here. You're male we can assume? That means the support won't go in your favour. If the abuse happened to your wife, totally different response I'm sorry to say.

I was thinking the same thing to be honest I'd be more pissed that he has taken advantage of their vulnerable daughter

Both you and grandsons dad are wrong.

Not everyone was sitting and it’s basic manners to wait and he shouldn’t have been abusive (or however you felt it come across)

I see you have argued with a lot of responses on here so I actually think you believe you are right and nobody else can have an opinion….so why ask?

You can’t control others around you such as your wife. So let it go and move on

People are giving you a very hard time on here.

Starting before everyone is seated is obviously not great manners, but it's not a big deal. Noone should be talked to abusively for doing that. People seem to be suggesting that you deserved it, which is frankly bonkers.

The whole situation sounds so fraught. The bottom line is, your grandsons father does not sound like a great guy. However, I think your annoyance at your wife (and dragging it on for 4 months or so) is misplaced. She is trying to keep a stressful situation peaceful for the sake of your grandkid. Let her be, and keep your relationship with the kids father business-like and cordial. You don't have to think he is a good guy, but you do need to make this difficult situation work.

From what I have read, it sounds like you and your wife are doing a good thing. Try to cut your wife a little slack and just let the whole thing go. It doesn't sound like her input will change anything anyway. The kids father is clearly a piece of work.

If it is genuinely true that your grandson's father was verbally abusive that is suggestive of bad character, and rather than fussing over him apologising I'd be stopping contact. You need to remember that he will be influencing the child and if he is a bad influence it would be better not to see him. If you do think he's of good character enough to keep the visits going then I think you need to get over it to a degree - leave your wife to it and stop insisting on an apology but watch and wait to see how he's behaving. If there's further abusive behaviour then as above I'd be stopping contact or only supporting supervised contact.

He launched a verbal tirade about your lack of manners? Why did noone tell him to calm down ? Especially his wife that said you were ok to start eating? She didnt say oh sorry, i had said it was ok ?

I think that sounds horrible. Id be devastated to be humiliated like that.

I don't think you can really tell your wife to not be friendly though. I think id not think much of him after this but i wouldn't risk any relationship with your family.