I feel so used

[friedoff]

I don’t know how to feel about this situation or how to react. My husband and I have had not a great relationship for years. He refuses to talk about any problems so they never get resolved I’m just left frustrated and pretty miserable.

Sex was something that happened occasionally. He has never been that bothered about my needs. We sleep in separate rooms. Sometimes I get a text asking me to give him a BJ. I do in the hope it will lead to intimacy but nope. It’s very one sided. Recently this happened and later that day I tried to initiate sex, he started but I could tell he wasn’t happy. He stopped and told me that sex was to difficult because of my weight. I just sat there naked and humiliated frozen then scurried off to my room. I tried talking to him later and it came up that it’s been like this for ages. He seems to think it’s ok for me to (and keep doing) BJs because it’s something I’ve said I enjoy doing. I told him that will not be continuing. This was a week ago and I’ve been in turmoil since. He has just carried on like nothing happened. I want to say things but I know he won’t be interested. Nothing gets resolved. I’m feeling dirty and used. It’s disgusting that I’ve been treated this way, I just don’t know how to react, he doesn’t seem to notice how upset I am. Really what am I supposed to do?

End the relationship. He sounds repulsive and malicious.

I was in a similar situation like you but not married.we had separate lives and sex was only on his terms etc..this went on for 6 years until I finally resented him so much I left.you need to do the same.dont spend all your time on this selfish man,as like me,you'll only look back and regret your wasted years

It’s all spinning around in my head, I can’t talk to anyone about it in real life. Feels like I’m going mad. I’m struggling to work. I see my weight and the state of the house as a reflection of my relationship. I have no motivation at all He doesn’t acknowledge this and calls me a slob.

Do you work full time? What does he do to help in the house? Kids?

Dump the husband and get a better life.
It’s time to look after No1!
He’s an emotional and abusive mill stone.

If you can afford it, join a gym, if not, walk 10000 steps a day, go swimming, go on a diet, clear up the house without him in it, and let your light shine bright!

You can't change everything all at once, but you can decide now to never ever respond to his demands for a blow job again. Drawing that line will be a start in rebuilding your self-respect.

I work part time. Kids are 16 & 21. Yes I know the house work is on me. It’s a struggle to do what I do. At work I go above and beyond. I’ve no attachment to this house. He’s made it clear that it’s not really mine (as he has paid for it) only legally. I hate this situation. I’d love to get someone else involved like a counsellor or mediator. He’s definitely not interested, he’s emotionally dead, I’m emotionally drained.

I have zero self respect, if I had any I wouldn’t be here.

If you are married you will have some claim on the house on divorce. Get some legal advice. You might find outside of this relationship you might it easier to be kind on yourself, respect yourself and that other things will follow.

If you want to lose weight for yourself the. If I was you I would keep my cards close to my chest and lose weight/weigh loss injections if necessary. I’d get a hobby for myself and get out meeting new friends and do lots of self care. I would spend the next 6 month - 1 year and become the new me for myself then I would leave his sorry ass and let him dwell on the fact that he has lost the best version of you and now your thriving, healthier, happier WITHOUT HIM

I am having some health issues (physical ) at the moment which I’ve finally found the courage to see a Dr about next week , I know stress makes it worse. I feel my weight gain has happened because of my poor mental health brought on by him. He doesn’t accept this. I know no other life than this, we’ve been together nearly 30 years. It’s definitely not the relationship I had hoped to be in.

I'd say you have a core of self-respect left as you are posting here, and know it's all wrong. So build on that.

Counselling would not be appropriate or safe as he is abusive. No decent couples counsellor would see you together.

Start setting boundaries and work towards getting the low life out of your life (beyond essential contact re kids).

Sounds good, not sure I’ve got it in me.

he doesn’t seem to notice how upset I am

That's because he cares for no-one but himself.

He doesn't want to resolve the situation because it's of his making and it's working for him.

I was like you when I was still married @friedoff , I felt like I was going mad but I couldn't say why. My mind was on him all of the time. It's part of the abuse, they keep your head so full of them that you don't have the headspace to see their behaviour for what it is.

Please do not go into counselling with him, it will not end well for you. It never does. Go into counselling for yourself to start building up your confidence. And please do not speak to him about your thoughts, feelings or plans, he will only use them against you.

Quietly go about taking whatever sized steps you can to make the changes you need to make, that in itself will start building up your self respect.

You've taken an important step by posting today. Bloody well done

Sorry, I've just seen the kids' ages. You can get yourself out of this as quickly as you can handle the adjustments to how you view yourself and what life is possible for you.

Have a look here:

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk/?gl=118v7q2626gaMjEzMjU4MjU1OC4xNzQ2NTI2ODUxxgaa_C8H9JGBD77*czE3NDY3NzgyMzEkbzIkZzAkdDE3NDY3NzgyMzEkajAkbDAkaDA.

And talk to a solicitor, as a pp said.

It will feel overwhelming as it's been your reality for so long. But it's possible. Step by step.

Marriage entitles you to monies not earned by you ie his pension. Just because he paid for the house does not mean you don't get a share of it. The house is a marital asset. Anything earned within the marriage is considered.

For peace of mind why don't you book a 30 minute free appointment with a solicitor to find out your legal rights. It would help if you knew his pension pot size, earnings, any investments, any debts, the mortgage remaining on the house and the house value.

That alone might make you feel a bit better knowing what your position is if you decide to end this marriage and quite frankly I don't know why you would stay. He is happy because you are doing the brunt of the household stuff and if you divorce he would have to do that all by himself. It is easier for him to stay because it requires him to do nothing. You will be happier out of this marriage than you are in it I am sure.

I agree with this, OP. You need to get him out of your life. He is draining your health and wellbeing. He sounds like an awful person, truly.

I need use of the car for my work. It’s a had a few problems. If we have ‘words’ he threatens to remove help to sort the car out. If it’s a big problem I can’t afford to fix it. This is an example of how it is.

You have got it in you because you are posting on here so you do want a way to feel better so you have already done the first step.

you have managed to put up with this asshole then you can do anything.

start small! Google healthy meals plans right now and start a healthier diet today. Call the hairdressers and get your hair done If you can’t afford the hairdressers right now then go get a £1 nail varnish if you don’t have any and just paint your nails. Tonight get in the bath/shower and do a facemask you can get them for pennies in the £1 shop. Do it today! This is your starting point. Honestly little baby steps and trust me each day will be easier

This man is NOT your friend. He doesn't have your best interests at heart. You have tried but you can't change him or his reactions, you can only change your own. Start to emotionally detach, don't engage - you have been trained to be full of him and to want to share - but resist - when you get the urge , pinch yourself and do something else - stay out of his way as much as possible.

Get all your options laid out -proper legal advice about your position and see if you could afford to go it alone. Photocopy all pension, property, income documents you can get your hands on - you will need them if you decide to split. He sounds very resentful and perhaps he has planning a split but just doesn;t have a cozy nest to monkey branch to.

'Sometimes I get a text asking me to give him a BJ.'

do you actually want to be with this person ?

I agree, my mouth dropped open as I read her post.

@friedoff this must be very damaging to your confidence and not man who loves you works treat you this way and disrespect you like this with no regard for how you feel or your needs.

Absolutely end the relationship. He doesn’t communicate, calls you names, puts you down and thinks texting you to get a BJ is ok. He is not a decent person, in fact he is pretty horrendous. That’s not on you, that’s on him. You’ve done all you can so you can walk away knowing you tried but at the end of the day he wasn’t worth your time. Now to focus on you. Walking away from this man will make you fly. You need to start thinking about practical steps to make this happen. The kids will be fine. They are are older and I know any family change is hard but ultimately they will benefit from you not being tied to this toxic man in the current way. You mentioned speaking to your GP which is great. It’s hard but I also think you need to speak to friends or family in real life to get some support. Maybe start with one person. We are all vulnerable to being with people who bring us down so no shame in that. You have power here to change things, even though he has made you feel you don’t. You can. And honestly things will be so much brighter without him.

He is blaming you for his own sexual inadequacies. He sounds nasty.

@friedoff i am gutted for you op.
Your only mistake was giving him anything . But we all make mistakes .
He is vile and treating you worse than someone paying for it .
His wife the perosn he is ment to love .
If he had been honest and spoken to you instead he used you and he could clearly switch off when you were pleasuring him .

You have to leave this scumbag . You are worth more you are more and you deserve better .