I feel so used

[friedoff]

I don’t know how to feel about this situation or how to react. My husband and I have had not a great relationship for years. He refuses to talk about any problems so they never get resolved I’m just left frustrated and pretty miserable.

Sex was something that happened occasionally. He has never been that bothered about my needs. We sleep in separate rooms. Sometimes I get a text asking me to give him a BJ. I do in the hope it will lead to intimacy but nope. It’s very one sided. Recently this happened and later that day I tried to initiate sex, he started but I could tell he wasn’t happy. He stopped and told me that sex was to difficult because of my weight. I just sat there naked and humiliated frozen then scurried off to my room. I tried talking to him later and it came up that it’s been like this for ages. He seems to think it’s ok for me to (and keep doing) BJs because it’s something I’ve said I enjoy doing. I told him that will not be continuing. This was a week ago and I’ve been in turmoil since. He has just carried on like nothing happened. I want to say things but I know he won’t be interested. Nothing gets resolved. I’m feeling dirty and used. It’s disgusting that I’ve been treated this way, I just don’t know how to react, he doesn’t seem to notice how upset I am. Really what am I supposed to do?

He sounds like an uncaring asshole who treats you like tool to get his rocks and to keep "his" house clean. I am willing to bet he thinks of the children as "his" too but does little for them or with them.

OP, you could lose a lot of weight in an instance if you ditch him. He is like dead-weight in your life. Like they say "you need to lose 200 pounds of asshole, stat!"

But in all seriousness, neither you nor your children need this kind of miserable git in your lives. You'd be amazed at how much better you'll feel if you separate from him. If a friend or one of your children one day came to you and told you this is how they are being treated in a relationship. What advice would you give them? Follow that.

He texts you for a BJ? Like ordering a take away?

Agree with this post.

That’s no way to live, if you stay with him it will destroy you
Image the damage being in this relationship for the next 20-30 years will do to you, I don’t think it is resolvable so you may as well leave and start living your life without him

I would find being with someone like that soul destroying

I know?!?

Unbelievable……what some women are willing to put up with completely astounds me,

@friedoff act on many of the sound advice given here…if YIU continue to do what he says when he says and how he says, he’s out to totally destry your self esteem, which has been already to the point where you will just be his toy..what kind of life do you want?

He didn't start off like that.

Have you heard of the boiling frog analogy? Perhaps learning a little bit about how abuse works will have you less astounded and a bit more empathetic. Or you could just scroll on by.

Oh my god, I have read/heard some things on here and in real life but this is truly truly disgusting and I'm struggling to understand how any man can be so evil inside to treat another human let alone his partner/wife like this.
You deserve better than this OP no matter your looks or size.
Do you really want this for yourself, the only form of intimacy is when he texts you from the same house for you to give him a BJ?
Honestly, he is a repulsive specimen and a waste of planet space.

Ok first of all, forget the state of the house. You’ll be moving out soon anyway, let him deal with it.

Second, see if you can up your work hours to full time. If not, look for a full time job or a second part time job that fits with your current one. You need money to have your own place.

Third, start eating well and moving more. This will not only improve your weight but also your moods and overall health and fitness. Don’t go on a diet as such, just eat 3 healthy meals a day and cut out junk food, processed food, sweets and fizzy juice.

Don’t tell him any of your plans or what you’re doing. Just crack on with it. He is not entitled to know anything about you to your life. He’s an abusive asshole. Once you’re working full time, start applying for houses. Go to your local council and put your name on the housing list. Tell them you need to leave your home due to a relationship breakdown. Tell them he’s emotionally abusive and you can’t live with him anymore. Tell them you have nowhere else to go. Get online and search for flats. Save a deposit.

Go to a lawyer. See where things stand for you. Get the ball rolling. He can say whatever he likes about the house but you’re married to it’s half yours. It’s a marital asset. You’re entitled to half the house so he can either buy you out or sell up and give you half of what you’re entitled to.

Don’t live like this for one more day. Make the change now. Well done for telling him you won’t be giving him any more sexual attention. Don’t do it again. He’s a rat. He doesn’t deserve you.

Just to add, I put on a tonne of weight due to a health issue and it make zero difference to my husband. He loved me anyway and still thought I was sexy and beautiful. He’s loved me whether I’ve been fat or thin. Because he loves me and doesn’t see me as an object. You husband is a disgusting, abusive, misogynist who sees women as objects put on earth to look pretty and to service men sexually. You deserve better than that. You’re a valuable human irrespective of your weight. Your weight doesn’t make you who you are. It’s just an outward expression of your habits and mindset or health issues. I would be willing to bet that when you leave him, you’ll naturally loose weight because you’re self worth will start to climb and you’ll feel more motivated to take better care of yourself. You deserve to take good care of yourself. Start today and do it for you, not for this abusive asshole.

I think many many women choose to ignore glaring red flags at the beginning of relationships as they are so desperate to be in a relationship and have children

Coercive controls illegal, he sounds awful.

Keep posting here for support . Im sure people can give advice and help you find some strength to get you out of the situation.

There will be some, I've no doubt, but there are also others who don't know what the red flags are as they don't know what a healthy relationship looks like; although information on such matters is much more available nowadays so hopefully more people will have stronger boundaries.

But abusers just move on to the next victim, that is the problem that is never solved.

When you are in an abusive relationship it can be very hard to see the wood for the trees. As I said above, they keep your head filled with them all of the time so you can't have clarity of thought about their behaviour.

It's easy for us to see it from the outside, especially if we have been through similar. It can be hard for people who were once, and perhaps still are, emotionally attached to the abuser to admit to themselves that the person who is supposed to have their best interests at heart doesn't. Or worse.

This is really horrible for you OP, I’m so sorry.

I think realistically it’s the end of the relationship. If I were you I would stop being intimate with him from today. Just say “no I don’t want to” if he asks for any intimacy and continue with your day. If he gets aggressive leave the house and call the police for assistance immediately.

I would get yourself back to full time work if your health allows and do everything possible to improve your condition. Speak to your doc and prioritise yourself, your body, your mind.

Once you have a FT job and your health issues are being addressed, I would definitely split with your OH. I wouldn’t necessarily wait until you’re 100% healthy to leave him because in this relationship you’re not going to be 100% healthy. You’re being abused so your body will be unable to completely relax and heal. You’ll be on high alert.

Start to mentally separate from today. He is not your problem any more. he is on his way out. Start to gently ask yourself how you’d like your life to look.

Jesus. This is a harrowing read @friedoff. He has broken you with his cruelty. No wonder you feel you don’t have it in you to change your life for you.

You do though. If you went down the road of WLI (if you wanted to), you might find you find a bit of self confidence that was always there, he’d just squashed into almost nothing. You might find the desire for hobbies, friends, new friends. All of this while keeping him totally distant from you, ignoring the repulsive requests from him for a blow job, ignoring all his appalling degrading comments towards you.

His comments would likely get worse as your confidence grew, and then, when you’re ready, tell him to fuck off. Force the sale of the house, start your new life feeling full of beans, and leaving behind the bitter, twisted, cruel, negging old twat gaping like a fish and wondering what the fuck happened.

He honestly seemed shocked when I made it very clear this will no longer be happening, he actually thought he was doing me a favour because it was something I liked to do! When I look back, each time I knew it was wrong but I hoped it would lead to more and meant something. I was just being used. I could have been anyone. Maybe he will start going elsewhere, I told him that and how I knew when he does it will be my fault. I wish he would just go away. Though I don’t wish this on anyone. Now day to day it’s like nothing happened. I still go to work, go shopping and cook the tea, I hate it. You wouldn’t believe what this man has put me through. I’ve taken it for far too long. Mainly because of the children. I didn’t want to disrupt their lives. Soon they will be gone. I’ve spent years feeling and being told I’m not good enough in every way possible. Unfortunately my husband only sees people as successful if they earn a certain amount. I am a carer and this role is looked down on and under paid. I’m just a bottom wiper to him. He has no idea how rewarding my job is in other ways than money. I wonder how many other people are living in misery like this.

No wonder you’re confidence is at rock bottom and you’re lacking motivation with comments like that! Hope you leave him soon and find some more happiness x

Stop doing anything for him. Don’t cook his tea, wash his clothes, buy his food, etc. Nothing. Just do what you need to do for yourself and your kids if they both still live at home. Both are old enough to be pulling their weight btw keeping their own spaces clean and tidy, helping around the house, doing the dishes, cooking the odd meal, taking the bins out, putting their washing away, that sort of thing. So, start getting them to do this stuff if they don’t already. And I repeat do NOTHING for your husband. Nothing. Have a look into your works policy for supporting staff experiencing domestic abuse. They should have one legally and they can help you navigate this by maybe giving you time off to see a lawyer or attend counselling/GP.

God above. Think about being alive, really think about LIFE. Then think about how much yours means to you. Then remember that you are giving your one experience of it to him, to someone who clearly doesn’t want you, like you or love you. You are worth far far more than this!!!
Personally I value kindness, empathy and decency right over success and pay. Rightly so that means he’s right at the bottom of the heap and you’re right at the top, so fuck him!

@friedoff I am sending you handholds and hugs, your husband sounds awful.

Please look at this information from the Citizens Advice (assuming you are in England) and as others have said, find out all you can about finances (mortgage, savings, premium bonds, pensions, salary, whatever you can find
) and make copies of it. Knowledge is power.

After reading the CA advice book yourself the free half hour with a local solicitor. Have your questions all written down and a summary of financial,position as the 30 mins will whizz by.

You’ve done nothing wrong, do not blame yourself for this man’s vile behaviour. Once you’re sorted you’ll be free to fly with the stress and worry of life with him.

https://www.citizensadvice.org.uk/family/

All the very best.

FFAB

Don't underestimate how much your situation affects you physically too. I was in a bad marriage for 2 decades and developed arthiritis at a very young age (20s) when things had gotten really bad between us. I left him in my early 40s and now, 3 years later, my arthiritis is perhaps not gone completely, but it is at substantially better and the vast majority of days I have no pain at all. I spoke to my doctor about that who told me that emotional stress is terrible for autoimmune illnessness. I don't know if that is what you have, but either way you will feel miles better without him.

I don’t have much advice but I sincerely hope you’ll be able to find the courage to start a new life. I know what it’s like to feel trapped and miserable with a man who mostly uses you and cannot see who you really are. It’s a horrible, vicious circle - the longer it goes on, the more invisible and powerless you feel. Do you have family or anyone you can confide in? A good friend will be able to help you see your true value (which is way beyond what you weight, your job or the state of your house).

I managed to get away from something similar over 15 years ago and I can tell you that my lovely life now is unrecognisable to what it was back then. There really is hope for a life free from all of this. 👍🏼

You're a carer, which is one of the most valuable jobs we have: taking care of real people and giving them what they need with dignity and generosity.

Do not let him take a single good thing away from you, inside. You're worth so much, and you'll move forward to a better life. xx

So it wasn't always like this. So can you pinpoint when he started to detach? Did something happen.

Rightly or wrongly when a man behaves like this it is invariably due to deep resentment. They may have tried to bring up what the issue is and you either wouldn't/couldn't respond, or didn't understand it. I know through experience and it is tough work to crack that shield they have put up. Badgering them to talk does not help, it only creates further distance. They know the distance hurts you, so will keep it up. Sex will not lead to closeness or become very mechanical. Breaking through takes time. Assuming you even want to. Can I ask what the health issue is, because it may explain some of your physical difficulties.

Here's what I would I do:

Keep in mind the rule for all relationships you can only be ultimately responsible and YOUR actions and those actions are not dependent on the other person or their reaction. Remembering this is the first stage to getting your power back.

So you put yourself first. You stop allowing him to set the tone. Stop being a puppet on his string. So when he says something nasty, REFUSE (at the very least) to let him see you upset about it. Do not respond in kind. It's tough but you fake it till you make it. You respond in kindness. If you were happy before you came home, you stay happy. Do not discuss anything negative with him. Do not let him see you appear hurt. Act as if you hadn't actually noticed that he's being a cold bastard. Do not let him bring you down.

Carry on within the house as if it were actually yours. Screw that he makes you feel it's not yours. You only get one life. Today may be your last. Make it look like whatever you want. If you're married you'll get some of the value anyway.

Immerse yourself in activities that make you happy, go out with colleagues amd friends. Get a new wardrobe. I find following body positive accounts helpful if you're feeling insecure about your body (and who is ever 100% satisfied) I lost a relative to a nasty illness and I no longer reserve nice clothes for special occasions.

Take control. Go gym FOR YOU. Or walks. Or swimming. Whatever floats your boat. Take up a new activity!

Cook nice meals for yourself and kids and if he's being mean grit your teeth and still leave him some

Men respond to happy women. It's the biggest irony when they do everything to make you miserable but trust me, through experience this works 100% although it may take time. The trick is to create an invisible safe happy haven around yourself, BUT you must not bring him into it. It must be only for you. Don't share things that can really leave you vulnerable. Keep sex off the table, take your hot self outside with your friends.

You will then eventually win the upper hand. Then YOU can choose to leave the bastard (I mean you can leave him now, but tis satisfying to leave whilst your self esteem is high, you're prepared and he's on a loss) or work it out. It's your choice by then.

@AmberKoala little des he know you will be taking half of “his” house . Half of his savings half of his pension .
He has work you down and thinks you will stay there well no more. You have MN to keep you right.
call round as many good solicitors as you can and book half hr free consitation ( this means he can’t use them ) When you have picked one start looking for all paperwork for any savings his income . Everything you will be entitled to half of so anything you can get your hands on .
Once you have what you need Toledo him it’s divorce time .
Do not let on before you have what you need.
If you can manage to stretch to half a dozen therapy sessions I’d do that too .
Then when you are divorced you can continue.
Get yourself to the gym or a hobbie anything that will focus on you and make YOU feel better .
Good luck to him . Most women will see him for what he really is . A disgusting creep .