I feel so used

[friedoff]

I don’t know how to feel about this situation or how to react. My husband and I have had not a great relationship for years. He refuses to talk about any problems so they never get resolved I’m just left frustrated and pretty miserable.

Sex was something that happened occasionally. He has never been that bothered about my needs. We sleep in separate rooms. Sometimes I get a text asking me to give him a BJ. I do in the hope it will lead to intimacy but nope. It’s very one sided. Recently this happened and later that day I tried to initiate sex, he started but I could tell he wasn’t happy. He stopped and told me that sex was to difficult because of my weight. I just sat there naked and humiliated frozen then scurried off to my room. I tried talking to him later and it came up that it’s been like this for ages. He seems to think it’s ok for me to (and keep doing) BJs because it’s something I’ve said I enjoy doing. I told him that will not be continuing. This was a week ago and I’ve been in turmoil since. He has just carried on like nothing happened. I want to say things but I know he won’t be interested. Nothing gets resolved. I’m feeling dirty and used. It’s disgusting that I’ve been treated this way, I just don’t know how to react, he doesn’t seem to notice how upset I am. Really what am I supposed to do?

I think you need a clear plan so in your head you know you are making progress.

You need to look after your mental and physical health as a priority. Keep the doctors appointment, but also nourish your body with the right foods. I wouldn’t start off on the injections, just cut out the takeaways and put the money into a divorce fund if you can or use it for therapy. I wouldn’t start off find something that helps with your stress as an outlet, walking, yoga, tai chi, qui gong, a class maybe where you might have an escape from the house and meet people. Do something to make yourself look good, a mini makeover, nails, haircut some make up to act as your war paint.

You need to look at your financial situation. See if you can increase your hours at work and don’t pay another bill. Don’t tell your DH if you can avoid it and if you can’t refuse to had over any more money. I personally wouldn’t tell him why, potentially saying you want to save for a car of your own or emergency savings or putting more into your pension. I would open an account that he had no knowledge of and save as much as I could. No doubt he has savings of his own in his name. I seem to recall at least one poster on here getting cash back every time she shopped in a supermarket and saving that money so her husband didn’t know.

Practically you need to find out where you stand. How much do you know about your finances as a couple? Maybe look at doing a statement of affairs from money saving expert where you list your family incomings and outgoings, debts and assets and photograph anything that looks important, like savings statements, credit card debt, mortgage balance, pension summary etc. I would also look at rightmove to see if you can workout a ballpark figure for the house if owned. Then I would see a solicitor to find out where I stand.

Do you have anywhere you and the dc could go to? If not you might be stuck in the house for a while if he won’t leave. You already have separate bedrooms so along with the strictly no sexual activity, I would try and be civil to him to co habit as civilly as possible until you are ready to tell him your plans.

It sounds like the house is in a mess and I might be different to some other posters but I think it might make you feel better if it wasn’t too bad and it isn’t great for the dc either so I would get help from them and get it sorted. I would think of this as exercise to help you burn calories and also if you can discretely sell things, it’s money to help your fuck off fund. If you sell the house it will also help.

You also need to get as much support around you as you can. Do you have any relatives or friends you can talk to in confidence? Would work be supportive? Keep posting on here but if you can get some real life support then fantastic, as others have mentioned there are charities than might be helpful.

Life is too short to be so unhappy and you will need to get your courage up but it will be worth it when he is gone and you are settled in your own place. You need to become your own cheerleader and ask yourself what can I do today to improve things. It might be a huge step, it might be shaving your legs or changing your bedding. But ask yourself every day, what can I do to make me feel good?

If you do what support there are weight loss support sub sections on here for all sorts of weight loss methods, like wise financial support on here or MSE.

If this was your friend or daughter, would you think they deserved to be treated this appallingly just because they're plus size? If he doesn't want to have sex with you, fine. Leave him. He's genuinely disgusting, texting you for a BJ and treating you like dirt and constantly threatening to withhold things you need.

You deserve better. I can't think of a single person who deserves to be treated the way he's treating you, and I dislike a lot of people!

Divorce him and take 50% of everything he has, including the stuff he is inevitably hiding from you. It is legally yours whether he likes it or not and you'll need it to start over. And you need to start over. It sounds scarier than it is.

Are you married?

As PP has said above, divorce him and take 50% of everything including his pension. Start taking steps this week. There is absolutely nothing to salvage here. Don’t drag this out any longer than necessary for your own sake and your DC’s wellbeing.

Do you want to buy him out of the current home, or take your share of the equity and start again elsewhere?

OP ❤️

1. There sre so many threads on here where women rediscover their power previously taken by repulsive men. Read them. They are inspiring.
2. Keep that GP appointment. Go. Talk about the physical issues. Then take a breath and talk about the weight. And the relationship. It starts here. This is for your own physical and mental wellbeing. You are worth fighting for.
3. Gather, secretly, all the financial information you can. Pensions, investments, salary, bonuses... Keep that info safe.
4. Find a safe place to put some secret money. An extra £30 at shopping etc.
5. See a solicitor. Get advice and know your rights.
6. Engage a friend or family member who can support you.
7. Stop trying to appease him, console him, plan with him, confide in him. Stop. He is not worth it.
8. Start looking to the future. What might this look like in a world where you are happy? Take small, slow steps to get there. Envisage this place daily. Place yourself there.
9. Divorce and looking after you. These need to happen and the above small steps will help get you there.

Others will have many more practical steps. But just break them down. First step is GP. Take all the help you can get.

You can do it OP. We're all behind you, pushing, giving strength.

You can do this! You are a mother and a carer, therefore you are a strong women - you are not the caricature that the idiot has painted.

OP, I am sorry to read this. You sound like you're in a tough place. Just wanted to send you support 💐
Don't give that asshat one more BJ.
Make a long term plan to leave him. You raised his kids and also financially contribute. You have every right to get your fair share in a divorce.

I weigh 23 stone. I feel sexy every day. The only extra weight you are carrying here is your “husband”. Your children are older start going out in the evenings. Take a class. Meet people rediscover you!

then leave him.

Your husband is definitely a prick, and you will have to leave him and take half the assets (tough shit he should have treated you nicer).
You can’t blame him for your weight though, literally the only way to improve your health is to completely take responsibility for it- life will always have its stresses (as you know very well being a carer) so you can’t use that as an excuse- you have to take responsibility there.

You know what though? What you do for a job is bloody amazing, looking after people when they are at their most vulnerable- it might be underpaid by our crappy society but please know that what you do has so much value to it. The carers who looked after my nan through dementia were worth their weight in gold and you are too. You need to believe it.

I hope you find a way to a happier life because you deserve it.

Being alone and being made to feel lonely by a sadistic person who enjoys that his cruelty has affected your health and stripped your confidence and self esteem down to zero is entirely different.
It’s only by being alone we can start the healing journey and to recognise we are worthy and to start to love ourselves again.
Imagine going to Battersea Dog and Cat home, you see an animal cowering, too afraid to look anyone in the eyes because all it had known was cruelty and had had its trust and loved eroded by awful people in its past. Would you look at the animal emotionlessly and think it deserved it? Or would you realise that the every person, animal deserves to be loved, not to be scared and to never live that way again? If you rescued the animal, showed them them they have nothing to fear and slowly and surely they came out of their shell and started to feel loved and confident enough to feel content, would you go visit its old owner to try to understand why that person acted so horrifically towards it in the past? No! You would understand that that person is evil and incapable of love!
Just like your Husband!
@friedoff its not you, its never been your fault for being treated so despicably. Some people are horrific and enjoy treating people cruelly. x

Oh OP.
I'm sorry you are having such a shit, shit time.
This is ALL on him. He has made you feel this way and stop valuing yourself.
And 3am is such a stark and lonely place. I hope you are feeling a bit less panicky this morning.

You sound lovely, and kind and strong. Caring is not an easy job by any stretch.

When you see your GP about your physical health, can you tell them a little of what is going on?

I feel for you OP ❤️. Sounds like your self-esteem is on the floor.

Hardly surprising, given how your husband treats you. He promised to love and cherish. He’s doing nothing of the sort.

You’re quite right to tell him there’ll be no more sex services on call. Because you’re not attracted to his ugly personality.

First, I strongly recommend you get help with losing the weight. Not for him, obvs, but for your own health and well-being. Have you considered a local club, like Weight Watchers, which will give you focus but also a chance to make new friends, so you can support each other?

I can strongly recommend swimming to burn calories and gain muscle, while the water supports your joints. It also made me stronger mentally. If you really go for it with a big overhaul of your diet, e.g. eating lots healthy of salads, cutting out sugar and carbs, you’re likely to feel much better, and see big results, quite quickly. In terms of both weight and energy levels. That should give you a huge boost. Michael Moseley’s shows are very good.

Second, speak to a domestic abuse charity, as it sounds like you’re experiencing emotional and financial abuse. They should be able to recommend specialist counselling. Lots of people recommend the Freedom Programme.

Third, ask for recommendations of a good family law solicitor (“asking for a friend”) and book an initial appointment to understand your rights in a divorce. You needn’t go ahead with the divorce right away, but it may help you realise what you’re entitled to and stop you believing your DH’s lies. Then start getting your ducks in a row

Finally, have you considered how much the menopause has likely been a factor? It can make you feel very depressed and anxious and lose a lot of confidence. GP’s are generally rubbish about it, but worth reading up and considering HRT and lifestyle adjustments.

Hold onto that feeling of humiliation when he rejected you. Find your anger about it. Let that power you forward. You have a happy, healthy next chapter of your life waiting for you. You can get there. Rooting for you 💐

Go to the GP appointment and discuss your health issues.
Then, show the GP your original post. Ask for another appointment to discuss your relationship issues and them to signpost you for further help.
You are the only one who can change your life - you are strong and can do this! Your future is so much better and waiting for you...

It’s not surprising you are comfort eating. It’s your husband that’s making you feel so bad that you comfort eat. Personally, I wouldn’t do the injections as I know of someone who had very serious side effects from them. However, I would suggest that you do hypnotherapy for weight loss. It will reprogramme your subconscious mind to not see food as a comfort. You need to leave your husband. A size 22-24 is larger but it’s not that bad. Plenty of women are that size nowadays. And in any case, your weight doesn’t mean anything in terms of your value as a human being. I have friends who are around the same size as you and I don’t care one single bit. I love them for who they are and they are wonderful people, beautiful women. Your weight doesn’t define you, it’s just a reflection of your pain at this time. It can and will change as you free yourself from this man and focus on a happier, healthier you. Hypnotherapy. People lose a lot of weight through it and there are no side effects.

You need a solicitor not a counsellor @friedoff start to make your exit plans

He’s made it clear that it’s not really mine (as he has paid for it) only legally.

presumably you know he's lying through his teeth and that the property is a marital asset so it's 50/50.

Don’t lose weight for him, Only for you. A glance at a painting by Rubens will tell you that female bodies can be attractive and voluptuous. Besides, he should love the body that bore his children.

Oh babe... x

Are there any reasons why you need to stay in this situation? Because if I had this dynamic with anyone, nevermind a partner who's supposed to love me, I wouldn't tolerate it. And neither should you.

I can’t think of a nice way to say this, so I’m just going to come out with it: everything in your posts is about how it’s his fault. Your mental health is his fault. Your weight his his fault. The house. The car. Your self-esteem. That doesn’t really help you - it’s your responsibility and you need to take agency and ownership of it all so you can make change.

Don’t get me wrong, he sounds like an odious cockwomble and you should leave, but making everything that’s wrong in your life a him problem and not a you problem means you aren’t dealing with any of it because you’re focusing on it being because of him.

You are the only one that can help you.

He's abusive and will not change. Don't waste your time & £ on counselling. You deserve more-leave and build a better life without him weighing you down.

Ideally, talk to someone in real life, as this makes the awful life you are living less secret and you can get support. Others may be aware something isn't right but don't want to speak out.
If you aren't able to, or even in addition, please contact woman's aid, as this man sounds like he is financially and emotionally abusing you. You need support to get out and get the finances you are entitled to.
Well done for refusing BJs on him - take strength in yourself standing up for yourself.....
You are a wonderful person in a dire situation. One step at a time and you will get through this and come out the other side stronger.

You are in a highly abusive relationship with a toxic prick.

You are a victim of Coercive control.
His financial abuse and threats to remove the car are prime examples of Coercive control.

THIS is a crime.
He is a criminal.
Educate Yourself today.

Contact Women's aid and ask for advice and support to get away.

You could be eligible for free legal aid due to domestic abuse.

You could walk into any police station and ask to speak to someone about Coercive control and they will explain this to you.

Please ring asap and tell them how you are being treated for years.

He has kept you penniless and stuck.
Coercive control.
A crime.

As they say youNEEDto find your anger!
Its not his money you are married it is both your money that why a judge will give you what’s right , your not deciding the law is .
Take the bastard to the cleaners .
I’ve felt so strongly about a posters situation .

A colleague has been on them since October and has lost 4st. She wasn’t massive to start with. Her only side effect (Mounjaro) has been occasional nausea. She’s so much happier. Please have a chat with your gp, mine never once mentioned weight bar checking for diabetes years ago. I was nearly 24st.

We are all behind you OP. We see you as the wonderful person you are. Your DH has done all he can to try to take away your sense of self, but it is there and you will find a way forward.

I’ve been on injections since October. I’ve lost 5 stone - today I went shopping and cried in next as their size 16 jeans fit. I get a little nausea after injecting but honestly it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. The side effects are worse being that size, trust me.