I feel so used

[friedoff]

I don’t know how to feel about this situation or how to react. My husband and I have had not a great relationship for years. He refuses to talk about any problems so they never get resolved I’m just left frustrated and pretty miserable.

Sex was something that happened occasionally. He has never been that bothered about my needs. We sleep in separate rooms. Sometimes I get a text asking me to give him a BJ. I do in the hope it will lead to intimacy but nope. It’s very one sided. Recently this happened and later that day I tried to initiate sex, he started but I could tell he wasn’t happy. He stopped and told me that sex was to difficult because of my weight. I just sat there naked and humiliated frozen then scurried off to my room. I tried talking to him later and it came up that it’s been like this for ages. He seems to think it’s ok for me to (and keep doing) BJs because it’s something I’ve said I enjoy doing. I told him that will not be continuing. This was a week ago and I’ve been in turmoil since. He has just carried on like nothing happened. I want to say things but I know he won’t be interested. Nothing gets resolved. I’m feeling dirty and used. It’s disgusting that I’ve been treated this way, I just don’t know how to react, he doesn’t seem to notice how upset I am. Really what am I supposed to do?

He’s definitely made his feelings about my weight clear for years. I’ve been likened to a pig etc yet somehow I just brushed it off. I did struggle understanding how he could have sex with me if he actually felt that way. I’m guessing he really is repulsed now. That was an extra kick while I was down. I do feel uplifted by people’s responses here. I am open more than ever to getting out of this situation. Just got to work out how. It definitely won’t happen overnight.

You've lost all motivation and who can blame you. The thing about being with someone that constantly undermines you and puts you down is...it affects how you think. The amount of energy you put into mentally surviving the relationship is released once you leave. I've just watched a freind turn her entire life around after leaving someone like this. She's working, own home, exercising. All the energy she put into asking 'why?' Or trying to fix the unfixable was free for her to use.

Don't spend this one life you have in abject misery with this repulsive human. Go to CAB and ask what you might be able to do if you leave, e.g. whether you can get housing help with your teen living with you. Whether you can get extra work hours. Figure out the logistics and then go.

Your self esteem and your drive to build better for yourself will arrive as soon as you leave him

Agree you need to find some self respect and leave.

If the house is in both names you're entitled to half the equity.
Try Citizen's Advice to see where you stand.
Some areas offer reduced or free gym membership via exercise referral from GP if that's something you'd like to try? At least it would get you out of the house and away from him for a few hours.

There is a better life for you out there OP. Better to be alone and happy than in a relationship with someone who treats you like this. Get some legal advice and separate. Then you can concentrate on you and making your life better. Join a weight loss group and start some exercise - gentle walking at first, then join a gym and get an induction with a personal trainer to design a programme for you. Invest time and energy in yourself. You deserve to be healthy and happy.

You have a choice: be miserable for the rest of your life or leave him and work towards happiness. What's stopping you making that choice?

Your husband is abusive because that's how he controls you. Think about it.

Texting you from another room for a bj, Urgh! 😡plus vomiting, he seems to think you are some sort of unpaid call girl, he's totally revolting.

You need to go. Texting for a BJ? Calls you a slob, a pig, that you’re too fat to f*? Jeez Louise, this is awful. He doesn’t care, he can’t even pretend, he can’t not be rude. No point in mediation, counselling. Therapy and support for you? Sure, for you. There is no ‘you and him’ to recover. The longer you stay, the lower you will fall. I think you need a solicitor in your corner now - can’t see any way he’s going to voluntarily leave, or even agree to sell up the house to allow you your share.
There’s just 2 things that are certain right now - you can’t stay, and you need a plan (that’s going to work for you regardless of how he reacts). From what you’ve said - he’s a shit. So expect the worst from him and prepare for it.

Your husband is the pig OP.

Your life will not improve whilst you are with this awful man putting you down and eroding your self esteem. He is an abuser and he will not change.

If you feel like you can’t do it all at once then do it in small steps.

First step - no BJ for your husband ever again. Show him you will not be treated with such disrespect.

Speak to a solicitor (you can get free half hour sessions where they will give you some great initial advice). You will be entitled to a share in the equity, his pension etc.

Speak to a counsellor or therapist.

Start to think about how much better your life will be without him. Imagine you in your own little place, having lost loads of weight. Feeling confident again and away from this awful man.

Even if you can’t bring yourself to officially end the relationship now then do so in your own head. Think of yourself as single now and just living with him whilst you get your ducks in a row and work on yourself. You deserve so much better than this - you can do this 💐.

i am horrified by his treatment of you, just horrified.

You can start by putting a total stop to all intimacy, no wonder you feel used. He is abusing you in plain sight.

Build up your friendships, confidence, social life and start seeing a counsellor. A good counsellor that is very experienced.

Get some legal advice. Start saving quietly for an exit fund. Tell someone trusted what you have told us. Maybe even the GP?

It may take a little time to build up your confidence to leave, but one step at a time. You are beautiful op, you have just been ground down over three decades.

That's coercive control.

www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/coercive-control/

That was an extra kick while I was down.

That's what they do, they strip away any self esteem you ever had, your health and happiness, and once you are at one of your lowest ebbs and think your life can't get any worse they stick the knife in.

You are exactly who Women's Aid are there for, please consider giving them a call. They will be able to guide you in the right directions regarding everything you need to know. They will not rush you to do anything you're not ready to do. They will be a great RL support to you

But it doesn't HAVE to be this way

Being married to a disgusting vile oaf obviously hasn't helped your self esteem and self respect

But he is one single person. He is not all 8 billion people on the planet. He thinks what he thinks about you and he treats you appallingly, but he is not correct for everyone. His feelings and actions are HIS alone.

He says and thinks XYZ and you seem to think that he is correct. He can only be correct for himself. And who gives a fucking toss what that revolting man thinks and believes?

You give him way way too much power

You need to leave him. ASAP. And never ever have sex of any form with him again.

To leave him you firstly need to photograph or photocopy all the relevant paperwork. His pension, savings, investments, bank accounts, passport , birth certificate, drivers licence, wage slips, mortgage details, credit card details, loans.

Make sure that your own paperwork and documents are hidden safely

Then go and see a solicitor. Free 30 minute appointment

Take the paperwork

That will give you an idea of what £££ you're entitled to

Once you've done that come back to your new MN friendship group and we can advise further

Head up. Smile. Keep that crown straight and sparkling, Princess 🥰😍❤️

I put on lots of weight a few years ago, tons. Do you know my dh still adored me, loved me and found me attractive. He didn’t crush me or shame me. I became fitter slowly and because I wanted to, not for him. People gain and lose weight all of the time of either sex. In a loving marriage it shouldn’t matter.

He said those words to you because he enjoys hurting you, he is verbally abusive and doesn’t love you because he is incapable of loving anyone but himself. He loves the rush of endorphins he gets from deliberately hurting you and seeing your pain and hopelessness when he grinds you further into the ground until you’re no more than dust. Your marriage is dead, the man you thought he was in the beginning of your relationship was an act and he has no reason to try to sort out the relationship because he enjoys the game of decimating someone spirit and mind.

You sound a wonderful, loving wife who should be cherished by someone capable of love, the problem isn’t you or your weight my lovely it’s the fault of that cunt of a husband you have. Please secretly do as @sugarspiceandeverythingnice12 has advised, all evidence of his finances etc you must hide your evidence, have you someone who would keep them for you at their house? Make sure after photocopying you put documents exactly as he left them! Don’t mention anything to your children, get a free solicitor appointment, once that’s done I guarantee you will feel stronger as you are going in the right direction to a live of freedom from that sorry excuse of a man. Have you any friends and family that could help you escape his clutches? I would ring Woman’s Aid and talk to them. You can do this and remember we are only a message away. X

@friedoff as I said before,the longer it goes on the worst it'll get.ive been there 100%.he made me feel like a slob and a useless shit.and id put the wright on as well.if I can do it anybody can..hugs xx

Ah love. He's not nice. Weight gain and mental health might go hand in hand, but so do weight gain and menopause or peri-menopause. I think you're about that age if you've been together 30 years? I have been battered by that trio and it is not nice and it's hard to get out of.

FWIW I don't think that walking out or anything like that are going to benefit you right this moment. He has said vindictive things about money and is using the car to exert control. All of that would get worse if you told him you want to split. You are entitled to a lot more than he thinks, but don't let him know that, or you'll likely find him acting out.

But as another poster said, you can use him as motivation to get yourself into a better place. Can you just emotionally detach from him? Take up the things you like. Do a lot of walking - summer's coming, it gets you out of the house in the evenings. Do you have friends who might do that with you? The weight will start to go, slowly but it will. Get some 3kg hand weights and start with a youtube video, do that every 2nd or 3rd day while he's out.

See your GP and explain what's happening (a bit) and see what she says. HRT? Anti-depressant?

And do get some legal advice, because he can't just have everything the way he wants it. Then, when you are ready, and you've seen a way forward, divorce the arsehole.

Hi you can loose 12 stones immediately - him!

Sorry meant "lose"

He sounds like a total pig who has worn you down.
It takes a lot to realise you're not the problem. But you are NOT the problem.
LTB x

What makes you stay in the marriage? It doesn't sound like there's much good to hold on to or pin any hopes on...

Best revenge is a life well lived and all that. Take the great advice above and quietly make a plan for your independence away from this abusive brute. List goals, even the smallest things, and tick them off toward the future. You sound lovely and deserve so much better. Can you increase your hours at work? Talk to your doctor, get out for walks, make sure you’re taking care of your nutrition to boost your mood, and keep posting. Plenty of us here to cheer you on.

I really feel for you, I hope you DC aren't boys learning dreadful behaviour from him. I very rarely say leave but contempt and humiliation are the absolute death knell and you sound like good person who deserves better.

Get your ducks in a row, once you have them in a row get a divorce lawyer and start living the rest of your life.