I feel so used

[friedoff]

I don’t know how to feel about this situation or how to react. My husband and I have had not a great relationship for years. He refuses to talk about any problems so they never get resolved I’m just left frustrated and pretty miserable.

Sex was something that happened occasionally. He has never been that bothered about my needs. We sleep in separate rooms. Sometimes I get a text asking me to give him a BJ. I do in the hope it will lead to intimacy but nope. It’s very one sided. Recently this happened and later that day I tried to initiate sex, he started but I could tell he wasn’t happy. He stopped and told me that sex was to difficult because of my weight. I just sat there naked and humiliated frozen then scurried off to my room. I tried talking to him later and it came up that it’s been like this for ages. He seems to think it’s ok for me to (and keep doing) BJs because it’s something I’ve said I enjoy doing. I told him that will not be continuing. This was a week ago and I’ve been in turmoil since. He has just carried on like nothing happened. I want to say things but I know he won’t be interested. Nothing gets resolved. I’m feeling dirty and used. It’s disgusting that I’ve been treated this way, I just don’t know how to react, he doesn’t seem to notice how upset I am. Really what am I supposed to do?

No wonder you've no self respect, he has been working hard at grinding it down to nothing. You might have to fake it till you make it but it would come, I am certain.

Things like getting the car fixed can seem insurmountable challenges but you'd be surprised what you can manage on your own. You'll probably also be surprised what you're entitled to when you speak to a lawyer. Imagine being free of someone who treats you the way he does.

Btw my boyfriend is a carer and I adore that he has chosen a job like that (he used to be really well paid) and feel it says so much about what a decent human he is. Money isn't important to nice people, assuming there's enough to pay the bills. So that doesn't make you less worthy, any more than carrying some extra weight.

he actually thought he was doing me a favour because it was something I liked to do!

No @friedoff , he didn't. He knows fine that what you were doing felt degrading and he would also know that you wanted it to lead to more and he would never have let that happen, to make sure you'd feel even worse.

Be aware that they are usually very good liars and very believable with their justification for whichever of their behaviours you've just brought up with them. That's another reason they get away with it for so long, they appear so innocent about it all. We're the crazy ones after all!!

Please be careful about changing your behaviour around him. He will sense a change in your mindset and either start being a bit nicer or he will escalate, probably both. Your best bet is to act as you normally would and do what you need to do for yourself quietly. Take your time to get it right. You need to keep yourself and your plans for your future safe from him.

You wouldn’t believe what this man has put me through.

We would

Psychopath in one word. Enjoys hurting and degrading people.

I’m feeling shit at the moment. I did try talking to him and told him what’s the point in staying married at this point when you don’t love, like , want or care. He just said it’s not his fault he doesn’t find me attractive. That was this morning and he tries to talk to me about normal every day stuff, I can’t do that, I’m a human being with feelings and I’m in a lot of pain. He doesn’t react to me being upset. I’ve just come up to my room. It’s demeaning. Feeling a bit lost and alone at the moment. Nobody in real life knows anything like this happens. Tomorrow I will be back at work smile on my face and it will be like nothing has happened until I’m go home again. I think he has been dragging me out and happily would forever because of money. He’s very tight. I don’t get anything from him. All my wages are spent each month, if he knows I have spare then he gives me another bill to pay. I’m literally pay day to pay day. He definitely isn’t. Yes he pays most the bills, he’s a high earner. I know he’s always been terrified I’d take half of ‘his’ money. It never ever crossed my mind and even now I really hesitate to think about doing that. But how can I afford to leave?! I’m in this situation because I’m not good enough. Literally. I don’t know how to be any different or how to change. I feel disgusting.

When dh split with his ex his solicitor had an agreement the fees would be paid out of the sale of their house. His ex had to pay half his fees due to the case being inappropriate in the courts view. If he’s been financially abusing you too I wonder how much he’s got stockpiled.

OP are you legally married?
If you are, you have certain financial rights.

I'm very sorry you're in this situation. It sounds awful.

You are entitled to half of the assets when you divorce, he has been financially abusing you for years so I wouldn’t be hesitant about it. It’s the only way you can leave him and he’s used and abused you for years! You might find when you get your own place your youngest will gladly move out with you and away from his dad. So when you feel hesitant, think of the years you’ve slogged for him and brought up the children with not a penny to your name as he has made sure you’ve been penniless.

Gradually you need to take your focus off of him and put it back on yourself. How can you build a peaceful life for yourself?

You will find no useful answers from him. He is just an abusive piece of shit.

Keep reminding yourself that lots of people on here can see that you are worth much more than your current life.

It sounds like he’s financially abusing you.
I think you should contact Women’s Aid. Abuse comes in many shapes and forms and he sounds like he’s ground the life out if you in so many ways X

This. LTB and take half of everything. Let him try to find someone else to text for BJs who just loves giving them.

Please focus on yourself and ignore his idiotic demands. He texts requesting a blowjob? Tell him to fuck right off!

Go see your GP re weight loss if you’re motivated. Would you consider surgery? If your bmi is very high, your gp may advise it.

Yeah defo he is financially abusing you. Get on the phone to woman’s aid and get the fuck out. Speak To à sol and take 1/2 of the family money.

Why am I letting this happen to me? Here I am at 3.15am awake fighting off a panic attack, eyes swollen from crying and head banging. I’m sure as usual he’s fast asleep with no conscious of the pain he’s causing me. How can one person cause so much pain? I hate this. I don’t want this, I’m scared of change. I’m scared of being alone. I won’t be able to trust anyone, I already feel like that. I know I’ve a weight problem but I’ve never let it bother me because I know there’s a reason behind it. Now I feel like a freak. I’m aware people notice it but until now nobody has been unkind or hurtful about it, maybe they are, just not to my face. Well I say that, an elderly gentleman I was assisting did describe me as being “built like a bloody warship” but I honestly laughed it off with my colleagues. Maybe they were laughing at me not with me. I can’t deal with this ‘attack’ of my weight. I hate to think how heavy I am. I’m now wearing size 22-24 clothes. I’ve put off going to see the Gp about my health concerns (caused by a previous op) because I know they will mention weight. I didn’t want to deal with the indignity of that coming from another person. I don’t have many pleasures in life, food seems to be my only one. I buy chocolate or cakes to cheer me up, I’m an emotional eater. I like to eat out. I buy takeaway when I feel to worn down to cook. At the moment though I feel to tense and sick to eat, maybe this is the way to go! the anxiety I fight often. I don’t have the energy for this. I’ve got people who I care for and who rely on me, I’m not doing my best for them by being awake now or being distracted by my problems. I am selfish though, they are my escape. I’m glad they don’t know what I go through. I’d be so embarrassed if anyone knew what went on here.

@friedoff are you still around. I’m awake and can talk.

what are you doing right now?

I am too op, you are really suffering this evening. This is a process, it seems you sre contemplating change. You hate your life as it is, and realise that you don’t want to keep things as they are because it is so harmful to you.

If you want to lose weight you can always try the infections. They were life changing for me. Effortless.

At some point you might to look at the reasons why you are comfort eating, and not just the result of doing so.

I’m worried about the injections, the side effects don’t sound good. I deal with similar symptoms which I’m going to the doctor about soon.

I think maybe you should seek professional help with your mental health. Sounds like you could be experiencing some depression.

To be fair to your husband, he can’t really control what he’s attracted to or not attracted to (although he could have been much more polite about letting you know what the issue is!) and he’s probably feeling every bit as “stuck” here as you are.

I think you should focus on getting healthy and well, in all aspects, and then maybe go for couples counseling. Best of luck.

What side effects? I haven’t had any personally. It would be a start. A change that is relatively easy to achieve. The issue isn’t really your weight though, it is your abusive husband and until you are ready to deal with that your mental and physical health will continue to decline.

Your depression and how you cope with it (overeating resulting in self neglect) was triggered by your husband. The way he treats you is appalling.
However, YOU need to take responsibility for your healing. This includes psychotherapy (CBT for depression available on nhs) and weight loss. You’ve seen GP - that’s great! It’s a start. What’s this week’s goal?
No one will change your life but you.
And once you do and feel stronger in yourself - dump his sorry ass. There’s a better life waiting for you out there.

Hi OP,

I just wanted to gently say that the way you talk about yourself really stood out to me, and I hope you can hear this: you are absolutely not selfish.

You are such a kind, thoughtful, loving person. Being a carer takes extraordinary strength, patience and compassion. It’s one of the hardest and most selfless things anyone can do. You have every bit of the world’s admiration and respect.

Truly, people like you make the world a gentler, more human place.

And I can just feel that you’re a wonderful mum.

It’s so easy for everything to feel heavier in the early hours — 3am thoughts can be especially loud and overwhelming.

If you can manage just one small thing this weekend, please, please reach out to Women’s Aid. They’re there for women just like you and they will walk beside you every step of the way:

https://chat.womensaid.org.uk

Right now things feel incredibly heavy, but you’re not alone. Thousands of women have stood exactly where you are, and they’ve come through it — not just surviving, but living full, happy lives. You deserve that too.

Be gentle with yourself, OP. One tiny step at a time is enough. You’re already so much stronger than you think.

Please keep posting here. Mumsnet is your team. We’re all rooting for you.

Sending you so much love and care.

I don’t think it’s been mentioned before, but with kids that grown, why are you still on part-time hours? That should have been changed years ago instead of living paycheck to paycheck.

Move towards full-time, use the extra money on yourself (at least initially) and then build up some savings so you can bolt out of there.

He sounds disgusting (the TEXTS!!) but there needs to be some sort of personal accountability too. You have to be your own lifeline. If working 2 days a week you still struggle to keep up with housework (you mention “the state of the house” so I’m guessing it’s not going well) I agree that you’re probably experiencing depression or something that’s preventing you from fully functioning.

Was the separate bedroom a weight related idea too?

This man has demolished your self esteem to the point where you question if you deserve a better life or could cope without him and made your life miserable. Alongside that you’ve found a way to use food to self medicate, as a way to comfort, soothe and distract. It therefore is very likely that when you leave him your relationship with food will improve but for now I wouldn’t try to address your food difficulties.
Concentrate instead on finding the self esteem, strength and courage to end the relationship. What steps can you take over the next week to get closer to leaving? Can you confide in a friend or family member about what he’s really like? Can you do the freedom programme online to learn about domestic abuse? Can you find a counsellor? Can you speak to your gp about your mood? Can you see if you can get a free legal consultation?

That’s financial abuse, your initial post emotional abuse. Whatever you think about yourself right now lovely, you do not deserve to be treated in that way and you do know it. Make a plan and end this. I know it’s hard taking the initial step but in a divorce you do have entitlements and should absolutely cite these and other abusive behaviours. I really hope you have the strength to seek a better life for yourself x

Focus on losing him.

Everything else, including losing weight and gaining self-worth, will naturally follow.

Focus methodically on getting divorced:

• Wikivorce
• Divorce for Dummies or similar
• Family solicitor websites

Then gather all financial documentation (tax returns, bank/investment statements, pensions, mortgage etc) and see a competent family solicitor.

And make sure you get half of absolutely everything. You totally deserve it after everything you have put up from him.

Millions of women have done it, and you can too!💐

That is a truly beautiful post. I hope op reads all of these posts and contacts women’s aid.

Exen just beginning to tell trusted people how hurt you, beginning to be honest with others how hard you are finding your home life is a stat. Abuse is covered up by silence.

You feel awful because you are having to pretend, to deny your own feelings and emotions day after day.

Start to tell the truth op, explore your support options, start there.