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Relationships

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Original poster

Do you think you need friends to be happy?

121 replies

cor97 · 08/05/2025 09:36

I've always found it difficult to make friends, even more so as I've got older. I'm still young (late 20s), but it often feels like I'm never going to make any genuine friendships. Don't get me wrong, I've had friends that come and go, but none that have lasted. And after a recent bad experience with a so called "friend" I decided I'd had enough. I have a DP and DD who I love dearly, and that provides me with so much. But often I wonder if my life is lacking... I just can't decide if that's due to a lack of friendships or if its something else. I've had a lot of trauma and hardships in my life, so I'm naturally weary of most people. I have work colleagues who I just couldn't ever consider friends. They can be lovely, but there's no "connection" there, it all feels so superficial. Not to mention most people seem to be quite two faced, and that puts me off the idea of a friendship completely. So what do you think? Do you need friends to be happy?

OP posts:

Arancia · 08/05/2025 09:54

I don't think everyone needs friends to be happy. Some people genuinely prefer to live the solitaire life, and that's absolutely fine. I'm not sure if I need friends to be happy...I have always been used to being independent and not relying on others for anything, but it is nice to have a few close friends I must admit. I would love more, but I don't think I care as much about the quantity of friends as I do the quality. I would rather have 5 really amazing and close friendships than 50 superficial, unreliable ones.

Original poster

cor97 · 08/05/2025 09:59

Arancia · 08/05/2025 09:54

I agree, especially with that last sentence. Honestly, sometimes I feel a bit envious when my DP goes out with friends and comes back and says how nice it is because then I wonder if I am missing out. But then again when I'm alone I don't have to worry about unnecessary drama or saying the wrong thing. I can sit in silence and not have to actually think of what to say 😂 I'm never been the best in social situations

OP posts:

Nicecuppatea2025 · 08/05/2025 09:59

I found it very hard to make meaningful friendships in my twenties. A history of trauma can certainly affect how you approach adult friendships, and it definitely made me hold people at arms length and generally be suspicious of people.

Also I think ones twenties can be a hot mess anyway - everyone is trying to establish their adult lives - it’s hard to catch a breath at times.

Now I’m approaching 50, the tone of my relationships has changed drastically and I gain enormous value and joy from my female friendships.

It started changing in my mid-to-late 30s and has come as quite a wonderful surprise.

LobeliaBaggins · 08/05/2025 10:01

Well, I need them. I don't agree most people are two faced. And I have no drama with my friends.

I do agree it's harder to make friends because we all move around, work long hours, and prefer social media.

LobeliaBaggins · 08/05/2025 10:02

I also think it's very dangerous to rely entirely on your DP and DD because both children and men leave.

ohyesido · 08/05/2025 10:04

No, but there is a certain loneliness in choosing not to have friends. I decided many years ago that female friendships were not worth the effort.

my experience of female friendships mainly consisted of constant put downs , dramas and betrayal.

THEMUTINEER · 08/05/2025 10:07

Same here, I have no friends, would love one but the couple I had when younger were not nice, putting me down, trying to get it on with DH etc, bitching about me, I have found most women to be not very nice tbh

LobeliaBaggins · 08/05/2025 10:07

My experience of female friendships has been love, support, fun, joy- some annoyance certainly- but no drama or betrayal except once in some 30 years.

Oh and this trope about women not being nice is deeply misogynistic. Like men are nice!

Psychoticbreak · 08/05/2025 10:09

I would not be here if it was not for my friends especially when my husband left me. It is all well and good to have a relationship and love spending family time but you need outside that bubble too.

NerrSnerr · 08/05/2025 10:09

Personally i need friends. I also don’t agree that most people are two faced and I none of my female friendships have put downs, dramas or betrayals. I’m friends with nice people who are similar to me in outlook and we’re nothing but supportive.

If you do want friends you need to look for your people and then put the energy in to maintain the friendship.

SheridansPortSalut · 08/05/2025 10:10

Personally, yes, I do need friends.

It would be a lot easier to form connections if you could move away from being "weary of most people" and the idea that "most people seem to be quite two faced". You are part of most people. Should people be weary of you? Are you two faced? These are ideas stemming from trauma and are your issues to work through. They are not facts about other people. A therapist can help you work through this and unpack the past trauma. It's hard to see how you can be happy if you view other people so negatively.

SamDeanCas · 08/05/2025 10:11

The older I get the less I think I need friends. I used to be very sociable, I now find friendships stressful. I’d much rather be home with my dh, dd and animals

BabyOrca · 08/05/2025 10:12

My friends are incredibly important to me. I've never been involved in one of those big "friendship gangs", but I've always had a lot of one on one friends from all sorts of walks of life, some of which slightly overlap.
I would be very unhappy without my friends. They support me, they make me feel confident and not alone in this world. I don't have children (by choice) and i get the sense that people without kids often have this greater emphasis on friends. We are social creatures. Friends are the mirror of your soul IMO.
One thing that has changed is that while I still have a good gender mix, in my 30s, most of my closest friends are now women. I think that's because as my male friends got into couples, they started putting less emphasis on friends.

Davros · 08/05/2025 10:12

@LobeliaBaggins I completely agree. Without my female friends, family and my lovely DD I would be bored and lonely

MyOliveHelper · 08/05/2025 10:12

I think it depends on why you don't have friends. If it's because you have trouble bonding with people due to trust issues, Abandonment fears or unrealistic expectations, then those things will make you unhappy in other areas of your life.

GoldDuster · 08/05/2025 10:13

Humans need connection and purpose, and where that comes from can vary.

LobeliaBaggins · 08/05/2025 10:13

Given 42% of marriages end in divorce, I dont get how people rely entirely on husbands or partners.
I am an empty nester and glad I didnt build my life around DC.

Hoppinggreen · 08/05/2025 10:17

Fortunately I don't.
I do have some friends but sometimes I think it might be nice to be part of a large friend group but I know for a variety of reasons thats not possible and if I am really honest I probably don't want that anyway.

verycloakanddaggers · 08/05/2025 10:18

Everyone is different, so you have to find what works for you.

But there's a LOT going on here: I've had a lot of trauma and hardships in my life, so I'm naturally weary of most people. I have work colleagues who I just couldn't ever consider friends. They can be lovely, but there's no "connection" there, it all feels so superficial. Not to mention most people seem to be quite two faced, and that puts me off the idea of a friendship completely.

I'm not sure that most people are two-faced, of course some people are.

It may be that you feel 'connection' with the wrong kind of people.

Friendships don't have to be intense to be enjoyable, fun, valuable, supportive, enriching.

Arancia · 08/05/2025 10:24

cor97 · 08/05/2025 09:59

Show quote history

I understand, I feel the same about my husband and his friends. I sometimes feel like he knows everybody, and think he's lucky to have so many people around him that want to spend time with him. However, he always comes home from his outings exhausted, telling me he didn't have a particularly good time. That's obviously not the case when he spends time with his closest friends, just those "everbodies" I sometimes think he's lucky to have - but know deep down I don't want or need in my life.

Ragwort · 08/05/2025 10:25

Yes, I do think having friends and 'social connections' is important to happiness. It doesn't mean you need 'besties' or hang out in big hen group style gangs but knowing people care about you, and you care about them is important.

I have a wide circle of friends, they are not necessarily friends with each other, I like to meet different people with different views and interests. Equally I am very happy in my own company and don't need to be with other people every day.

I believe there have
been studies (don't have the details to link) to show that people with friends are less likely to be depressed, live longer and healthier lives etc.

Husbands/partners can leave or die, children will (in most cases) leave home so friends are important. I've never had any major falling out with friends, sometimes a different point of view (which makes you think) but never bitchiness or deliberate unkindness. I often think that people who say 'I can't make friends' etc to look at themselves more. Some friendships fade away over the years ... that's OK. My very elderly mother is a prime example of the importance of making friends .. she has made friends throughout her life and now, in her mid 90s, still makes new friends and has a zest for live.

Candlestickler · 08/05/2025 10:50

I wish I had friends, but don’t (it’s why I spend so much time on mumsnet). When I became single many of my friends dropped away, I found life incredibly tough then. I am more used to it now and have coping strategies rather than being happy with it.

cramptramp · 08/05/2025 10:56

I have a great friendship group. Some of them from school nearly 50 years ago, some of the picked up along the way. They’ve been there through my dramas, marriage breakups, lots of things. I value them and have always made efforts to see them. Most of them don’t have children, but me having children never stopped me going out with them. I value them more than any relationship with a man. I know they will always be there.

Original poster

cor97 · 08/05/2025 11:06

I've realised the wording in my OP was wrong. It's not that most people are two faced, I've just been unlucky enough to only ever know and be friends with two faced people. Perhaps due to my own trauma I've been drawn into bad friendships and drama. My last friendship was such a drain on me mentally. So I've kind of been put off the idea. But I do agree that I can't only rely on my DP and DD. I could probably benefit from a true, genuine friendship. However, I do find genuine friendships and connections to be quite rare (at least for me!). Perhaps something will come along when I least expect it. Needless to say, I don't enjoy actually seeking out friendships on apps and within clubs - I prefer it to happen more organically.

OP posts:

Zeitumschaltung · 08/05/2025 11:15

My friends are a great source of joy for me and I have never had any drama or negativity from them. As you are young, perhaps therapy might help you explore whether they might be a source of joy for you too?
I don't agree most people are two faced, but I can see that when you have few friends the one you have needs to be perfect. If you have a wide and varied circle, everyone, including you, is free to be a flawed imperfect human being and appreciated for their good qualities.
Work friends can make great true friends, it's all about managing the transition.

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