Do you think you need friends to be happy?

[cor97]

I've always found it difficult to make friends, even more so as I've got older. I'm still young (late 20s), but it often feels like I'm never going to make any genuine friendships. Don't get me wrong, I've had friends that come and go, but none that have lasted. And after a recent bad experience with a so called "friend" I decided I'd had enough. I have a DP and DD who I love dearly, and that provides me with so much. But often I wonder if my life is lacking... I just can't decide if that's due to a lack of friendships or if its something else. I've had a lot of trauma and hardships in my life, so I'm naturally weary of most people. I have work colleagues who I just couldn't ever consider friends. They can be lovely, but there's no "connection" there, it all feels so superficial. Not to mention most people seem to be quite two faced, and that puts me off the idea of a friendship completely. So what do you think? Do you need friends to be happy?

I'm not saying that there aren't any people that don't need friends or social interactions, we're all different, but I think these people are real outliers. I think we're a social species.

What's more common is people that don't feel the need for it because we've normalised being socially isolated. We don't have so many third spaces for example. Or else people are "too busy" either in reality or in their heads and don't prioritise spending time with people.

I think sometimes when you can't have what you really want you start to convince yourself over time that you don't actually want it.

I have a few, select, friends, but not a group of friends I would go on a big girls night out. I don't feel like I'm missing out on that.

I occasionally go for a drink after an in office day with my work friends, or lunch while we're in, but by work friends I mean the people I get on well with at work, none of us really chat much outside of work (there's one I chat to a bit but we don't really meet up because his girlfriend doesn't hugely like that we're friends. DH has no issues cos I've always gotten on better with guys a d he knew that when we met).

It's about quality of friends rather than quantity. And life. What makes you happy? Is it nights out in a group? Or pottering around your garden? As long as you're happy and fulfilled, it doesn't matter where your social cup is filled from.

Perhaps. But as I've said, making true genuine friendships isn't easy.. for me it's like finding a needle in a haystack. Where are people finding these amazing, wonderful friends anyway!?

I dont go on big nights out or clubbing.
I also didnt go to school or uni in the UK.
So I have made them at work and through hobby clubs.

I have old friends who I see twice a year and lots of close family around me and we get on well. DH is like a best mate as well as romantic partner. When DDs were younger I had a few groups of mum friends but these were more situational and this dropped off after they went to secondary school - and Covid had a lot to answer for, I think had it been other years I'd have kept up with some of those people a lot more. Nowadays I think we nearly all work full time or are otherwise pretty busy.

I can't say as I have close local friends in the same way as old friends from work or school but there is still a sense of community - neighbours and other people from other local connections I know and trust, and have a known for a good while, and who I think would also feel the same about me. I also get on well with my colleagues, but I'm not sure that I'd see any of them outside work if any of us left. There is no-one locally either I meet up with socially though as friends other than in the context of defined groups like yoga or book group.

I've never had anyone, other than when I was age 13-16 and had a best friend- and we kind of went different paths after that so lost touch- who I could pour my heart out to outside the family, someone who would just come round for a cup of tea etc. Perhaps because I've always got on with family and DH and had them around me, and am also an only child and pretty self-contained, I give off vibes of not needing anyone else. And I'm not sure that I do either!

Some of us don't limit our lives. We are just less sociable and happier in our own company. Sometimes these types of people, we find it hard to make meaningful connections with people too, and that gets harder as you get older.

If I make a proper friend, I will hold onto them. But that doesn't mean every person I see socially will fall into that category. Or that someone I feel is a true friend sees me the same way.

It's not limiting your life to be who you are and to not surround yourself with people you don't want to be around.

making true genuine friendships

I think you have a romantacised view of friendship. Most friendships are meaningful and satisfying, but they'r enot these super deep, super meaningful relationships.

Start small - find some friends who enjoy doing something you enjoy and go hang out. Very occassionally, those friends become lifelong friends, but if they don't, in the meantime, you have fun times with fun people doing fun things you like doing.

ive got mange three close friends. And then just lots of acquaintances that I can knock about with as and when. Sick making but DH is my best friend and I’m happy to hang out with him over anyone else. Sometimes I get jealous of people with tons of great friends. But I know I wouldn’t have the time or the bandwidth to keep up with ot be a good friend to lots more people.

I think learning to be happy in your own company is far more important than having friends. But having a really good friend or two would be nice, too, as an added bonus. I hope you find a great friend xx
Or if you want a pen pal, I'm here to chat! 😊

I don’t think you maybe do right now as you have everything you need. But I met lovely friends when my oldest was little and we have stayed with each other through some very traumatic times. As our children have all grown older and don’t need us so much it’s lovely to have these extra people around to call on. I’m not greatly sociable and we know each others boundaries but it’s great that they’re there.

I completely get what you mean. I talk to colleagues, clients and my partners friends which fulfills some of my social needs. But I'm a true introvert at heart and it drains me sometimes. Not only that but I don't feel a true connection with anyone really... maybe I just haven't found the right people!?

I know exactly how you feel!
I think I just come across people on YouTube and Instagram over the last few years that openly talk about having no friends and romanticising being alone and something just clicked and I realised I don't have to keep trying and being let down.
I build my life around me now and whoever comes along great but I don't try and seek any deep friendships anymore.
Xx

I think we look around and see and hear other women talk about nights out, friends, weekends away with the girls and we feel we are missing out.

I have one very good friend who I’ve known 20+ years and I trust her implicitly, but no one else comes close to her. I think that’s because we shared and supported each other through some tough times. Others are just friequaintances.

I like to have friends who I can coffee or lunch with during the week, but not if it eats into family time. If someone starts talking about weekends away or out till 3am I’m like oh FFS.

Recently I’ve decided to up my hours from part to full time which means I can no longer meet for coffees or lunch and I’m ok with that. TBH when I think about it, I prefer the relationships I have developed in my job over outside friends. I was in a serious accident and they rallied round for me, whereas my “friends” barely mentioned it 🤨 I’ve also taken up a hobby and I find the people much nicer and supportive there and so I’m starting to wonder if the school mums I’ve made friends with are just for a season and it’s time to let it slide.

I wonder if more extroverted people feel like some company is better than no company. As an introvert I'll make the effort for the right company but find it hard to motivate myself to be social for the sake of it.

Perhaps. But the thing is I don't want 'casual' friends who I can't rely on. I don't care for those kinds of friendships. I want the type of friends who I can talk to about pretty much anything, who I can deep conversations with for hours. Maybe I'm a big ol' romantic who needs to lower their expectations, who knows 😂

I have several casual friends for coffee or going to a movie.

I think really deep connections are few and far between, and most of mine are scattered.

I do think you need to lower expectations a bit.

I think we all need some connections in our lives to make us happy but the amount of connection varies from person to person. I'm ND so possibly need less connection than some NT people.

I'm much happier without "friends" in the traditional sense but do have close relationships with my adult DD, two of my sisters and DHs sister (who lives next door). And obviously DH too.

I have more casual relationships with a few work colleagues, one who I'm particularly fond of and would message with outside of work. I also have dogs who I talk to like they're my besties.

I don’t think anyone has said it’s easy - you do need to put in the effort and be prepared to have a few knock backs, or a few beginnings that fizzle out into nothing.

I’ve made several good friends through my dog and my dog-walking business. He gets me outside everyday even if it’s the last thing I want to do, and often it’s much easier to tire him out if another dog and human join us!

I’ll fully admit that I’d rather cancel sometimes and that there are plenty of days where I just want to stay home with DH but ultimately I know it’s important that I have a life outside of him as there’s no guarantee he’ll still be here in the future.

DH had a friend who died in a freak accident in his early thirties leaving behind his pregnant partner and a toddler. She would have been totally lost without her friends.

I think that’s quite an intense expectation of friendship - but also, you have to go through the casual coffee phase to find the people you click with on a deeper level.

Plus I would actually say those casual friendships can sometimes be even more special than those more emotionally vulnerable ones.

Can't imagine anything worse. Lol, good job we are all different. I like friendship where we don't have to talk, where you can have a cuppa, do something together, knitting, whatever and be cosy, comfortable in the silence.

I have 2 friends. I have adhd and I'm terrible at maintaining and hate over involved friends. I met my bestie at my university interview we weren't in any classes but we get on so well. We did nursing together had our kids simular sort of time whilst still at uni. Same sort of job and area etc. She's fab and we aren't 2 close but she's always there as am I. The 2nd one I met at school lol

But you’re making the same error as lots of the people who post on Mn, whether they’re complaining or not, about not having ‘true’ friends — the friends you can say anything to and talk to for hours, don’t just arrive magically. They arise out of acquaintances on the school run, or a random conversation in an art gallery, or the colleague you caught surreptitiously rolling their eyes at some bit of ridiculousness in a work training session. Or someone you didn’t like when you first met them. I didn’t take to one of my best friends at all when we first met as graduate students in 1997. Another still close friend from my student days says she asked me for coffee to see if I was as cantankerous as I appeared in class! It’s not a matter of ‘lowering expectations’, it’s a matter of being open to friendships, and putting yourself out there, asking yourself what kind of person you enjoy being around, and where you’re likely to encounter them. You aren’t going to gel either everyone, obviously, any more than you saw relationship potential in every date, and not everyone will like you.

Obviously, too, you can be unlucky in certain situations as regards friends. School wasn’t a good source of friends for me because it was a mismatch between person and place. But look for a different way of meeting people. Work isn’t providing you with friends, so look elsewhere.

Nope. I have never had really close friendships that have lasted and at the age of 48 not for one minute do I feel I need friends.

It’s great to have friends. I wouldn’t let a few past bad experiences put you off. You just haven’t met the right ones. You also need to realise you can’t rely on any one person to give you what you need. Some will be great for meeting up, others better at understanding your hobbies etc.

I have three friends, one locally who I see a couple times a month for a coffee and two older friends who I see a couple times a year. I don’t miss having a close friendship group as I am busy with my kids and husband and I like Mumsnet because you can give and get advice and put the world to rights without the expectations that friendship brings. I feel connected to the world even though my clan is quite small