Do you think you need friends to be happy?

[cor97]

I've always found it difficult to make friends, even more so as I've got older. I'm still young (late 20s), but it often feels like I'm never going to make any genuine friendships. Don't get me wrong, I've had friends that come and go, but none that have lasted. And after a recent bad experience with a so called "friend" I decided I'd had enough. I have a DP and DD who I love dearly, and that provides me with so much. But often I wonder if my life is lacking... I just can't decide if that's due to a lack of friendships or if its something else. I've had a lot of trauma and hardships in my life, so I'm naturally weary of most people. I have work colleagues who I just couldn't ever consider friends. They can be lovely, but there's no "connection" there, it all feels so superficial. Not to mention most people seem to be quite two faced, and that puts me off the idea of a friendship completely. So what do you think? Do you need friends to be happy?

And the casual ones don’t always turn into the ‘deep’ ones, and that’s fine. And neither sort have to last till death to be valid friendships, either.

I do, personally but we're all different.

What about a hobby? Where you can meet people where you know you've got that in common at least. Keep it light if that's easier?

I'm more emotionally independent than I've ever been but still need meaningful friendships and to have a laugh.

I'm naturally a bit of a loner - I don't have many friends and I'm not a people person.

But for me its important to interact with people otherwise I go a bit mad - I do a few hobbies, have kid things that force me to talk to other parents, am out and about on the weekends, go through the personed checkout at the shops, am constantly messaging at work etc, and along with family that's good enough.

Making peace with who you are is the important thing.

The problem is that those friendships take time and effort. You don't meet someone and they turn into that immediately. Ther's a reason why so many of these sort of friendships are with people we went to school or university with - we have spent so much time together, and shared so much, that those friendships are rock solid.

When I had DC1, I had 7 women in my NCT group. Of that group, one has become a "lifetime" friend. That took years of time and effort starting with meeting up with the babies and the odd night out, and slowly over time as we discovered more in common, doing more things together, spending more time together, trusting each other more etc. When she got cancer I was one of the first people she called and yes, I dropped everythign to support her and her children. But 10 years ago, even though we liked each other very much from day 1, that simply would not have been the case.

So my avice really is to embrace the more superficial, short term friendships, in the hope that some of them turn into a frienship for the ages.

Or someone you didn’t like when you first met them. I didn’t take to one of my best friends at all when we first met as graduate students in 1997. Another still close friend from my student days says she asked me for coffee to see if I was as cantankerous as I appeared in class!

Also this, 100%.

Of my three close friends from uni who are absolutely my "ride or die" people:

1. I liked immediately but she was older than me and seemed very reserved. If you'd told me then that 30 years later we'd still be giggling like crazies and that she would be godmother to my children I'd have been completely gobsmacked.
2. She seemed a bit odd, very insular and cold. We only became friends because mutual friends invited her to live with us in a huge house subsequently. My life is immeasurably better with her in it.
3. I dont' remember having any feelings about her at all in the beginning except, vaguelly, that she wasn't as fun as her friend who I had also become friends with (the mutual friend turned out to be crazy and none of us are in contact with her anymore).

This is a personal observation that may or may not apply to you, OP: I think we "romanticise" what friendship means, so we have very unrealistic expectations and then, when we "fail" to achieve them, we become disappointed and sometimes even may end up bitter and/or completely avoidant.

I do believe having friendships is part of a healthy emotional life, and a sign of maturity. But that doesn't mean you can't be happy otherwise.

By the way, I am a work in progress myself.

I'm not a great socialiser and I don't really enjoy big social events but I have a small number of close friends say 10-15. We don't see each other that often but they are an important part of my life

I live alone which maybe makes it more important - if there were none it would be difficult but I could manage.

I guess the end thing is everyone is different and we have to be comfortable in our own skins.

I don't have friends, it's too much hassle. I love my uncomplicated life.

I think it depends on how much family you have? If you have a big close family, you may not really 'need' friends (or indeed have a lot of time to dedicate to friendships). If like me though, you are an only child, with no close extended family either, friendships are really valuable in helping you to feel less 'alone' in the world.

I am an extreme introvert and still have friends, from all stages of my life, I don't think it's anything to do with being introverted. I am very happy to be alone and often go to museums/cinemas/restaurants alone. I'm very happy in my own company.
Nonetheless, I make a couple of new friends each year. I would expect it's because I have a realistic view of how long it takes an aquaintance to become a friend, and because I believe that most strangers are likely good rather than bad.
Just in case you think that might be a worldview you enjoy.

Many of my female friends are supportive and have a sense of humour which is important when coping with the difficulties of life. We've all been through some type of trauma and most of us are widowed or divorced. We're in our early 60's/mid 70's. Obviously it is more pleasant to spend time with those who at the very least have a positive outlook.

I didn't have so many friends when I was younger due to being busy with work and family. IMHE very few women (or men) are bitchy or two-faced but these tend to be the ones you remember due to the hurt they cause but it doesn't do to dwell on them.

A hobby is good gets you out. Finding people alot more flaky now. You afraid to arrange a night out as people pull out so Im better one to one friendships

The flakiness is hard. You used to make friends through friends but I'm finding people increasingly can't be bothered to meet up.

Yes, exactly. I’ve gone through phases where I’ve not really had any friends for various reasons and though it was okay for a while, I did find it difficult long term and I ended up feeling quite isolated even though I had a partner.

I also know from experience that not having any friends or any hobbies outside of a relationship can cause a lot of problems. It makes things very intense.

I’m an introvert and have quite a few friends but prefer meeting in small groups or 1:1.

i agree with @MattCauthonthat you have friends at different times and different reasons and a few will cling on to become lifetime friends.

But it takes time and (someone’s) effort to organise things or just put a ‘shout out’ to get together.

I holiday with friends (sometimes 1, sometimes a small group and sometimes with DC added in as well), we go dog walking, to the theatre/cinema, out for brunch and with one group of friends (from toddler group 18 years ago) monthly or so to the pub. We play cards or just relax and catch up.

I have newer acquaintances from a hobby who are potentially at the start of a friendship journey but who knows 🤷‍♀️

I massively value friends being divorced and kids in the latter teens.

I agree, I was similar and relied mainly on my dh and children, husband left me just before my 50th and children now adults with own life’s, I had to build up friendships again x

I wish I knew the answer. I live a happy life with my husband daughter and extended family around but I don’t have any friends really. I joined a choir and have made friends with one woman and potentially I might form some more friendships with some
other people I’ve got talking to, but it’s early days. I am also friendly with people from work and we socialise very occasionally and I can even talk to one or two of them about personal stuff but I’m not sure if they are ‘friends’ as such. I’ve always struggled to make and keep friends. At school I was shy and throughout my life I’ve had problems feeling like I fit in and I feel like always say the wrong thing and wonder whether people actually like me! I’m sure I have some kind of social anxiety or possible ASD. I had friends from school but we drifted apart and my friendship with my best friend became toxic and I had to extricate myself. I had friends at uni but again our lives have drifted apart and we lost touch. I also struggle to stay in touch with friends because deep down I don’t really believe I’m interesting and likeable enough. I know that will sound weird but it’s true!
I’m also an introvert whose social battery runs out pretty quick so in that sense I’m fine with not having friends because it’s less stressful.
I’ve always liked my own company. I must admit I too sometimes feel lonely though. That’s partly why it’s joined the choir, I thought maybe some friendships based on a shared interest or activity could be good. Maybe that could work for you?

As people have said, you can't generally leap ahead into that.

Maybe that's why other friendships have foundered after a while, because in the same way as with romantic relationships, too much too soon is a red flag and likely to mean a crash & burn?

Yes, introversion has little or nothing to do with your capacity or appetite for making friends. The only impact being an introvert will have on your friendships is that you will need to factor in enough solo time to recharge after seeing them. If you’re someone who struggles to make friends or doesn’t want friends, that has very little to do with your introversion or extroversion.

My close friends are like family to me, I live in a household of adult males, so I love my friends and genuinely think of them as sisters.

I've had friendships through the years but very few have really lasted and I'm fine with that.
I'm early 50s and have 3 people I would say are my besties, (1 male, 2 female) but a lot of the times we plan a meet-up most end up flaking at the last minute. I used to be disappointed when that happened but now I'm relieved!
As much as I like spending time with them I find it exhausting and need alone time to recover.
I've always loved my own company and enjoy my hobbies which are all solitary, I'm also happy to go to the cinema, to my local for a pint etc on my own and am looking to go on a singles holiday next year. A girly holiday was planned for this year but they've pulled out. I refuse to miss out on travelling because of other people so will make my own adventures from now on.
I'd love to spend more time with my daughter but she's busy enjoying her life and having fun so my happy place is usually me and my animals.

Totally agree! I really didn't like one of my best friends when we met. 35 years later she's like a sister to me.

Im trying to have a few friends as my old neighbour relies heavily on her daughter. It is hard with people flaking on plans. Got badly burnt in a friend two yrs ago so think this is why am guarded now. Met few nice girls through work.

I do believe having friendships is part of a healthy emotional life, and a sign of maturity.

Oh I don't think it's necessarily a sign of maturity. Any old doofus can have mates 😊 And some of the meanest posters on MN claim to have lots of good friends.

I do believe social connections are important and there are many ways to get them, we just need to find the level that's right for us.

Those of you with sociable hobbies- what are they?