Do you think you need friends to be happy?

[cor97]

I've always found it difficult to make friends, even more so as I've got older. I'm still young (late 20s), but it often feels like I'm never going to make any genuine friendships. Don't get me wrong, I've had friends that come and go, but none that have lasted. And after a recent bad experience with a so called "friend" I decided I'd had enough. I have a DP and DD who I love dearly, and that provides me with so much. But often I wonder if my life is lacking... I just can't decide if that's due to a lack of friendships or if its something else. I've had a lot of trauma and hardships in my life, so I'm naturally weary of most people. I have work colleagues who I just couldn't ever consider friends. They can be lovely, but there's no "connection" there, it all feels so superficial. Not to mention most people seem to be quite two faced, and that puts me off the idea of a friendship completely. So what do you think? Do you need friends to be happy?

I don't think everyone needs friends to be happy.

But I think most people who start threads on mumsnet about being lonely/ not having enough friends etc., probably do.

I met a few through walking. My friend in a choir. Hiking good too.

On the whole, yes, although most of us also need times of solitude too.

I used to feel sad that I didn't have a big friend group when I was in my twenties. I'd occasionally get invited to things but was always on the periphery and a bit of an afterthought.

I'm now in my late 30s and have realised I actually don't want lots of intense friendships as they often come along with drama which I just can't be bothered with!

I have 3 good friends, who I see individually from time to time in person but we message most days and a couple that Im in contact with more sporadically.

Yep.

If you’re genuinely happy without friends, you wouldn’t be posting on social media with a whole list of reasons about why friendships are so awful, lol.

I do think there are people who aren’t that fussed about making (or keeping) friends but humans in general are a social species - even though MN would try and persuade you otherwise!

I think for me, I wanted to ask the question to see how many people feel they NEED friends. I think I would like friends and it would probably add something to my life, but I'm not convinced I need them to be happy. I've suffered depression for many years. I was depressed when I had friends and I've been depressed when I haven't had friends. I don't think friends equate to happiness no more than I believe a relationship can make you happy. I believe what I've always believed - only you can make yourself happy. Everything else can only serve as a bonus. But it's definitely been interesting reading so many other people's opinions :)

But you're coming at this all wrong, OP. No one has ever suggested friendships are a cure for depression, or will prevent you from becoming depressed -- you mention a life of hardships and trauma which is surely more likely to have contributed to your depression than the presence or absence of friends? If you have never had lasting friendships, and you've moved around and encountered people in different social contexts (ie if you haven't lived and worked in the same small town your whole life or something), then it's more likely to be something that you are doing than simply bad luck. It's up to you whether you want to try to figure out what that is, whether it relates to the traumas you mention ,or your limiting beliefs about other people etc. I'd suggest therapy with someone good if you do.

I have the exact same- texts / suggestions go unanswered and it makes me feel lonely.

I don't need friends and my happiness and anxiety levels are both much better when I don't have any. I do feel deeply lonely though but generally only with other people, as I'm quite odd and just have never grasped social communication. I would love to find people I can have that safe, comfortable feeling of just being myself around but actually I've only felt it with family members when I was a child and not friends or with family now I'm an adult. I don't feel lonely when I'm alone in nature though.

Def harder as an adult your told join new things. Am trying meet an old neighbour since end Jan. People take ages to commit. You thinking is it worth all this! People arent really loyal now either

Honestly as I approach 50 this year I have lots of school mum friends who also have youngest child aged 17 & some seem to have no real friends outside their marriage & family life. Some see their Mums everyday and rely on them for social life/holidays. Some are besties with their teenage kids. My youngest will hopefully go off to Uni Sept 2026 and I'm already feeling them pulling away. I'm so glad I've kept in touch with a large group of my Uni friends plus 2 friends I've known since I was 14 plus a local friend I met when our daughters both did ballet aged 3 (DDs are now 21). When my DH is pi**ing me off I need these friendships in my life. Some people will reach an age where their kids all leave home and turn round and realise they have no proper friends. It's very sad I think. Husbands may leave (or die young). Some friendships are forever.

Loyal how?

Well, nobody needs friends but very few people want to go through life without them. Humans are sociable by our very nature - it’s normal for us to want to interact with others and to spend time with them.

Nobody has said friendship is a cure for depression either - like you say, you can be depressed with or without a friendship group - but it’s just that friendship enhances things for most people.

I think MN can give a very skewed view of friendships and social situations because forums by their very nature are going to attract the introverts and those who tend to spend their time online.

Life without friendship sounds incredibly dull to me - my friends bring so much to my life and while of course they’re not a cure-all for all of problems, they can certainly go a long way to making things better.

I really appreciate all of these opinions. It's given me a lot to think about. I got so caught up with the idea of having a friend who I can have deep, thoughtful conversations with that I didn't stop to consider that that might not happen straight away. I think it usually takes A LOT for me to call someone my friend. And in truth, that makes me feel like an arsehole because I know there are people who consider me to be their friend but I wouldn't feel the same. I need to start letting people in and actually be more open to friendships, even if those "friendships" aren't my perfect ideal

Selina as in quick to pull out of plans. Flaky behaviour. A few friends good I think as not relying on one person

Relying on one person is risky at the best of times and more so now that more and more people seem to just drop out of being around others or even just communicating with other people.

This.
What would you do if you break up and when your DD is an adult and you won't see her that much? If you'd be ok being all by yourself, then it is fine but I doubt it is...I am an introvert but I need my friends, even if I don't see them that often

I find socialising tiring and enjoy being alone. But if I gave up being sociable at all, I'd be stuck in my own head without any other ideas coming in to make me think differently. I have plenty to do alone, and I don't expect anyone else to make me happy. But part of my strategy for keeping myself happy is to talk to other people every now and then, who might make me see something I've felt negative about in a more positive light; who might make me rethink the way I've been approaching a problem, or make me realise I'm not the only one to feel a certain way, or tell me about a nice place to go or a good book to read, or to do or say something I can tell my dp about later on.

As I know socialising is stressful for me, I tend to get involved in group activities where there's no pressure to turn up every time or to arrange individual meetings. I don't do much one on one. I don't expect to have deep, meaningful conversations or become their best friend or have them turn up in the middle of the night. But somehow, though this could be extremely superficial, there are always moments when someone says something real and there's a valuable human connection. It might just be a single second, a look or a word, but it's something I value. I hope the other person gets something out of it too. Life's not easy, and it's not just about me being happy, is it?

I get what you mean, I left my ExH just over a year ago (abusive relationship) and we met when we were 18&19, because he was jealous when we first met I distanced myself from my then friends and his friends and girlfriends, who turned into wives were my main friendship group, you could say they were “his” friends but I’d known them 17 years, when we separated because of whatever he told them they all completely cut me out. I’m close with my sister, but she has her own friends (bottomless brunches and mummy’s weekends away etc.) and I have a few work colleagues I get on really well with and occasionally go out with but they are very different from me, and again they have their own “proper” friends. When I left my marriage I tried going to different groups and classes to meet people but found a lot of the time people go to such things with a friend or two whereas I was literally on the sidelines smiling at people nervously. I’m quite content with my own company, so in the day to day it doesn’t bother me, but I’ll admit it does get to me, things for example like competitions on social media where you have to share something and tag three of your friends… because I simply don’t have anyone to tag. And with how my ex “friends” cut me out it’s made me reluctant to bother trusting people or trying to meet new people.

But you ditched your own friends ages ago because of a jealous partner. The ones you subsequent hung around with were his friends’ girlfriends/wives, not people you were organically attracted to independently of him. They were situational friends, and they didn’t outlast the relationship. I get that this is disappointing, but I don’t think this is a reason to write off other people, or the idea of friends. If you like, it’s an object lesson in never dropping friends for a relationship, or drifting into situational ‘approved’ friendships. You can absolutely make new friends if you want them, but you have to treat it like a job.

Have you tried to reconnect with your friends from before the abusive relationship? Some might be glad to hear from you, even if it's been a long time.