My husband did crack cocaine while I was away

[JennaP44]

Bit of a backstory - been married 20 years. He's my one and only. We have one child, who is now a teenager. About 7 years ago, I found out my husband was addicted to cam sex, where he was performing for other men for money online. I stuck it out for our kid. I found out last February that he had never really stopped, and had been at that addiction for a long time still, despite knowing that it was my limit. He also drinks way too much but is a happy drunk. We've been trying to reconcile this past year, but I am physically repulsed by him and sex is really problematic. I went away for the weekend and came back to find evidence that he did crack cocaine while I was away. I'm completely shocked, yet again. He was doing so well with going to therapy and being a good partner this past year. He does not know that I know yet. I'm not sure if I should mention it now, or figure out what to do first. I'm so confused. I'm SO confused. I feel like I'm drowning in what if's. He did this while he was home alone with our child, which is what really makes me mad.

OP “And he makes a lot of money. The cam was not for money. It was for kicks.”

But sure have it your way - I know once you’ve patiently mansplained something to All The Women, you’d rather spoon your own eyes out than back down, despite what @JennaP44 and everyone else has said.

And you’re clearly better acquainted than the rest of us with the inner motivations of sex workers and crackheads.

He's home and everything feels so normal. I feel emotionally numb to all of it. It would be so easy to pretend nothing ever happened. I'm really nervous. The implications feel massive and I don't know if I can follow through. I have almost nothing left in me.

What's best for your child

A split would be so devastating to my child. I am rereading all of your comments for some kind of strength.
I wish I could feel anger.

Their father drinks too much, uses crack while caring for them and leaves crack around for them to find. Surely you can see that all of this makes it impossible for you to stay and the need to protect outweighs any feelings your child might have about separation.

He did this while he was home alone with our child, which is what really makes me mad. @JennaP44

Here you expressed anger. Lean into this point.
Don't look away now op

He took crack cocaine, probably not for the first time, whilst home alone with your precious child in the house.

Whilst he was trusted to look after and protect your child.

Not only did he take crack but he endangered your child.
There may have been other people in the house, potentially dangerous people.
Whilst your son was there.
Who were these people?

Where would your son have been in relation to where the drug taking took place?

Really lean into it, imagine it ALL. Visualise it. Don't look away. Stay with the feeling of anger and channel it into motivation.

It's ok to feel anger. It's ok to get mad.

This man who you forgave, time and time again, who you entrusted with your own blood, your most precious creation, has taken crack cocaine in the house with your child.

Do you know what would be more devastating for your child…,you staying in a miserable marriage with a drug addict and forcing them to continue to grow up in this toxic miserable household.

Hi Jenna, wanted to add a couple of perspectives of my own which could help you with what sounds like a decision you’re really struggling to make.

(1) I had to go no-contact with abusive relatives some years ago. Once out of a bad situation, you wouldn’t believe how much calmer and at peace you feel, in daily life. Right now, you don’t know any different. But the effect on you mentally, is immense, and gets better every month in your new stresses-free life.

(2) I grew up in a turbulent home environment. In my opinion kids can smell a mile off any tension between parents, and any unhappiness in a parent. You say your daughter is so happy but I wonder how much she actually knows but doesn’t dare talk to you about. Even if she doesn’t know details she might know something is ‘wrong’. I personally would pick a happy calm home and stability, every day, over a ‘better’ school and problems at home. By happy calm home I mean one that actually is, not one that pretends to be.

A final thought is also, what sort of example you’re setting for her. If she sees you successfully rebuild your life after an unhappy marriage, she sees you don’t put up with mistreatment, that’s setting a good example for her to follow. If you stay, and keep all your relationship problems an unspoken secret, is that teaching her to put up with things herself when she starts dating?

Wishing you all the strength to make this important decision. Do get help from charities which specialise in supporting women leaving a relationship. They are so experienced in navigating this.

I will tell you how to pull the trigger. It is what helped me do it when i was in your shoes years ago. A lawyer explained to me that if social services ever finds out that you knew about drug use in the hosue and did not protect and remove the children, YOU will loose custody of the children and they will remove the children from a mother that does not protect them. And they do NOT care how much you love their father, this does not matter them at all.

When i realized I could loose my kids due to his crazy behaviour, i had the courage to take action. I finally got the courage to do it and i have never looked back.

This is phenomenal information. Thank you.

I hope that the info about social services finally galvanises you into throwing the waste of space junkie out of your family home! You and your child deserve to be safe...

If you won't leave for yourself, leave for your poor child.

We are all rooting for you.
No split is easy but please find that courage for your child.

“A lawyer explained to me that if social services ever finds out that you knew about drug use in the hosue and did not protect and remove the children, YOU will loose custody of the children and they will remove the children from a mother that does not protect them”

That’s not true as a rule I’m afraid. Only in extreme circumstances would this happen.

He's a junkie OP! What normal person even knows how to take crack. Added to that, he's a sex worker. Chuck him out, who knows what else he's hiding.
I hope you have separate bank accounts.

When, not it if, when your child finds out about his dads vices, hes going to wish for your sake you left him earlier! Stop holding your child in the way of splitting up. Your H is a fucking liability. Get rid woman! Divorce him using the online form £600

Any update OP. I hope you are doing on.