My husband did crack cocaine while I was away

[JennaP44]

Bit of a backstory - been married 20 years. He's my one and only. We have one child, who is now a teenager. About 7 years ago, I found out my husband was addicted to cam sex, where he was performing for other men for money online. I stuck it out for our kid. I found out last February that he had never really stopped, and had been at that addiction for a long time still, despite knowing that it was my limit. He also drinks way too much but is a happy drunk. We've been trying to reconcile this past year, but I am physically repulsed by him and sex is really problematic. I went away for the weekend and came back to find evidence that he did crack cocaine while I was away. I'm completely shocked, yet again. He was doing so well with going to therapy and being a good partner this past year. He does not know that I know yet. I'm not sure if I should mention it now, or figure out what to do first. I'm so confused. I'm SO confused. I feel like I'm drowning in what if's. He did this while he was home alone with our child, which is what really makes me mad.

I have to say I don't know whether it sounds like heroin or crack but I'm not sure it matters. I wouldn't say I've lived a sheltered life - I don't particularly want weed or coke, but if I wanted them, which I don't, I'd know who to talk to. I can't even imagine where I would start if I wanted heroin or crack. I don't think it's something that anyone is going to casually come across as a one-off. It surely must be an ongoing situation.

I'd hazard a guess at meth.

Performing cam sex for men for money screams gay, and meth use is quite high in the gay community.

If you'd have left 7 years ago you'd have had a year, maybe 2, of the rough ride of going through a divorce and financial separation, and you'd now be 5 years into your new life. 5 years of being settled and stable. Do you want to still be here in another 7 years?. Or do you want to be settled and stable and content and happy away from this arsehole? Your life is ticking away.

Selfish bastard. If you are struggling to leave get some support from one of the domestic abuse organisations. Make a plan and go. Personally, I would be kicking his sorry arse out. He's a revolting person who cares only for himself. Please seek help and look after yourself and your child.

Leave. He’s an addict and showing no interest in not being an addict. Your life will be so much simpler without him in it. Your anxiety will reduce and you can be you.

This will be impacting on your son.

Leave. This is not your mess and not your responsibility to fix. He’s endangering your child and you and he might whine how sorry he is whilst doing nothing to fix it. I have an elderly relative with Parkinson’s, a few years ago his wife caught him looking at porn, it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary but it was a deal, breaker for her. She was livid,she felt used and abused and that he had crossed all her boundaries, she has incredibly strong views about pornographers preying on young vulnerable people (she’s right). As part of his Parkinson’s there is a tendency to fixate or become addicted to risky behaviours, with the correct medication all this is under control but she threatened to end a 50 year marriage over it and has made it clear she still would if he broke her terms again. Gay sex cams and crack? She wouldn’t have given him the time of day. She would have divorced him.

Your husband is a drug addict. He is possibly also gay but bowed to societal pressure to be with a woman.

He is absolutely not your one and only.

You deserve better than this.

He won't change. So accept that this is your life, or considering leaving to find someone better than him.

There are a number of (basically gay but won't accept it) men who define themselves as men who have sex with men.....but not gay or bi.... I don't understand but it's not my place to dictate how people define themselves

Don’t start having a go at the OP. Life can be complicated!! People come on here for support not a kicking.

His redeeming features are rare. It’s not OPs fault that he’s got a hidden darker side.

He's gay

He's unfaithful (wanking in front of multiple strangers is worse than cheating)

He's a junkie

You can't possibly make this marriage what you want it to be. You can't make him straight.

It's hard to leave because he is the only man you've been with. I get it. He probably feels like your "family". But he's not the one for you.

I left my first H after 20 years, because he cheated many times. It was so hard. But guess what? I met someone else who is WAY better.

There are literally thousands of other men out there who would be a better fit for you.

Look at your finances and start making a plan.

This. Addicts are very selfish op. Unless he wants to change he won’t and my tolerance for bullshit would be a lot lower because you have a child.

So he's a (closeted) gay, alcoholic drug addict and you're wondering what to do?? Get rid and get tested for STI.

He's a closet gay man. That's the biggest issue here. The crack is skanky AF and an absolute deal breaker, but your relationship is dead already, crack or no crack, because he is a gay man clearly struggling to live a straight life and no longer even pretending. He doesn't care about humiliating you and being disrespectful. He's gone way past that point.

I suspect this 'addiction' to cam sex with men isn't so much an addiction as his only outlet for his true sexuality. He's not addicted to cam sex, is he? He's addicted to being gay and there's no cure for that.

Just tell him to leave and put an end to all this nonense. If he was free to have sex with whomever he wanted when he wanted, I imagine this web sex 'addiction' would become much less all consuming, because he'll have replaced it with real physical sex with men instead. Just a gay man doing his gay thing. See the light and reclaim your life and your dignity. Please.

Yeah, I'd get tested. Wouldn't trust for a second that he hasn't been playing around.

I get frustrated by threads like these.

OP you have your own agency. If you don’t do anything about this mess, there is a point at which you become complicit in it.

I’m sorry to sound harsh but that’s the situation. I get life is complicated but if you choose to support continue this farce, that’s on you.

I wish you luck I really do.

@EnjoythemoneyJane You’re deluded if you think there aren’t men who perform on camera to satisfy fetishistic desires

In this situation though, there is a clear financial motivation, which is the need to pay for drugs. That's why he's not performing for free.

As the OP said in her updates, her H doesn’t need the money

Oh right. Cocaine is free now?

There's a chance it's heroin but you usually get a yellow-brown residue from smoking that. Also a small chance it's crystal meth.

To be honest, though, it doesn't really matter. Either way, neither crack, heroin or crystal meth are exactly entry-level drugs, and I doubt this has come from nowhere.

Its not a kicking! She has agency here. She overidentifies with her “nice/kind/forgiving” side and under identifies or ignores her child’s safety. She has known for a long time that her husband was living a double life (thrill seeking, addict, alcoholic) .

Imagine a bucket of diamonds with a turd thrown in.

Would you reach in and grab the turd?

Well that’s what you are doing by staying with this disgusting man. Holding on to a turd.

End it, he doesn’t love or respect you. Not caring for your your feelings and his desire for ever more sordid activities is not the basis of a loving relationship.

I would be extremely worried he is engaging in risky sex as well. Do get tested, go to a GUM for bloods properly. Not just the home kit.

Thank you everyone. Yes you're right about the physical repulsion and my ignoring that for so long. I know what my body is telling me - I also have heart palpitations and gastro issues just from the stress of the last few years. I stayed because I have been financially dependent on him. I have been working very hard the last year (since I found out that he lied about stopping the cam work) to getting myself financially dependent. I was a SAHM and then started my own business which was not sustainable. It was difficult to find work in this area, but I did it and I'm really proud of that. I've been working with a therapist to try and understand what is wrong with ME that I keep putting up with this even though I know I shouldn't. It's like my heart won't connect with my brain. I have this weird problem where I don't feel anger, and that's a long term issue that I'm trying to resolve in order to take necessary steps. Not feeling anger is not helpful in this situation, and reading all of your comments helps me to feel something instead of nothing.
If he's gay then he's gay, I just wish he had told me instead of hiding and lying. I'm very open minded and could have made that work in a practical way, years ago. Its the dishonesty that really messes with my head. I will need to talk to him about the drug stuff I found, because my entire behaviour has changed and he can tell, and feels guilty so is bombarding me with "i love you"s and trying to get physical affection on a constant basis. When he feels guilty he becomes overly attentive to me and it's annoying.
I'll do some writing this morning of things I need to do. I started taking copies of important documents yesterday. One step at a time. I'm tired already.

I'll find one good friend I can talk to in real life about this, along with my therapist. I have no support system in real life (no parents, siblings, grandparents or extended family that I can rely on in any way). Its helpful to have all of you.

If he's gay then he's gay, I just wish he had told me instead of hiding and lying. I'm very open minded and could have made that work in a practical way, years ago. Its the dishonesty that really messes with my head. I will need to talk to him about the drug stuff I found, because my entire behaviour has changed and he can tell, and feels guilty so is bombarding me with "i love you"s and trying to get physical affection on a constant basis. When he feels guilty he becomes overly attentive to me and it's annoying.

Sounds like you've started finding your anger. Good. I repeat the advice to get tested. And, most of all: good luck. Keep posting here if it helps. People will listen.

I really feel for you, especially not having a support system in real life. It almost forced you further into the relationship because it feels like you have no other options.

I've seen a lot of people get a lot of support and help on mn so keep asking for help as much as you need 💐

Well done! Baby steps are still steps in the forward direction.
It takes a huge push from yourself to make that final break and sometimes it is easier to do it a bit at a time - a bit like dipping a toe into the icy water before you plunge head first.
Just keep it up - do something towards your new life every day.

I am in a similar position so I can really identify with not having that support network around you. I do think in some ways that has made me so much more stronger and independent and when I do something for myself that I would have leant on him for, those feelings of satisfaction and pride are better than any drug.
It rang lots of bells with me when you said that he can feel you distancing and therefore is extra lovey and needing your affection and approval - which you find more repulsive. Yep - that was me too. I think that's all good. Those feelings are good for you - your brain is adjusting to the reality rather than the fantasy of what life with him is/was/could be like.
I have only recently learnt that its okay to not be okay. I will cry if I need to now, whereas a couple of weeks ago I was too scared to cry in case I didn't stop and then who holds everything together. But these episodes of crying are helpful. The bucket was brim full and needed some to be tipped off. I go and sit somewhere quiet and peaceful, I have a good cry and then I'm okay again - I haven't fallen apart.

Like you, I cannot get angry! There is nothing there - like I'm just a grey sky. That was quite worrying. Why am I not angry or even a tiny bit annoyed?
Maybe that will come later and maybe it wont. I like to think I am a naturally calm person, not easily riled and he has caused so much drama that I am reverting to my natural state of 'peace'.

Whatever you feel is normal - you are normal - its the situation that is not normal and we don't know how to react to abnormal situations as we rarely experience them (thank goodness.)

Keep moving forwards x

Omg I'm so glad you wrote! I've never met anyone calmer than me or who feels very little to no anger. I bet I've just become numb to existence. hah. I'm afraid to hurt his feelings. Which is silly, because he sure has hurt mine enough.

Maybe I'll watch a sad movie one day or something. I cannot cry, I haven't cried in a very very long time. Again, no feelings. I should try though. There's definitely a lot in here that may explode.

I have to go to work now. Ugh. Big headache and just misery and fear but here we go, keep on keeping on. I don't know if I will be able to pull this trigger. I don't know how but I'll work towards it and somehow maybe I'll get there.
Thank you.