My husband did crack cocaine while I was away

[JennaP44]

Bit of a backstory - been married 20 years. He's my one and only. We have one child, who is now a teenager. About 7 years ago, I found out my husband was addicted to cam sex, where he was performing for other men for money online. I stuck it out for our kid. I found out last February that he had never really stopped, and had been at that addiction for a long time still, despite knowing that it was my limit. He also drinks way too much but is a happy drunk. We've been trying to reconcile this past year, but I am physically repulsed by him and sex is really problematic. I went away for the weekend and came back to find evidence that he did crack cocaine while I was away. I'm completely shocked, yet again. He was doing so well with going to therapy and being a good partner this past year. He does not know that I know yet. I'm not sure if I should mention it now, or figure out what to do first. I'm so confused. I'm SO confused. I feel like I'm drowning in what if's. He did this while he was home alone with our child, which is what really makes me mad.

I’m so sorry to read this & hear what you’re going through. It must be completely overwhelming for you & I just wanted to give you a virtual hug. I understand what you’re saying is that you’ve been with this manipulative man all your adult life, living in an isolated location & you’ve not had any experience perhaps of being a single adult & knowing any different/independent adult life. You’ve had a massive, life changing bombshell this weekend & are obviously in shock. You’ve also just started a new job & are trying to hold your shit together, at the same time as you’re probably lying in bed next to this man, wide awake & posting on Mumsnet at 2.30am.
I grew up in a rural English county & can think of 4 men who lived in villages/small market towns & either died from or have heroin/crack additions. I mention this because hard drugs are available everywhere.
It sounds like you need practical steps on what to do next. You mentioned you’d prefer to leave the house so it’s probably a good idea to speak to a solicitor about that. You also mentioned you have animals & live in a farm house, if you’re husband’s a farmer then it would need to be you leaving the home, though it’ll be more expensive for you financially if it’s you (rather than him) having to find somewhere else to live. If your animals are pets it’ll be harder to find somewhere to rent so you may need to leave them, or foster them temporarily. Speak to Women’s Aid to get advice on those practical steps to get yourself & your child out of this. It’s time for you to move on & start a new chapter in your life without your husband. An unknown future & sudden change of circumstances is really intimidating but you will find joy in your life again. You can do this, we’re all with you.

Ahh sweetie this is shit.

It’s time for you to look after yourself.

Speak to your GP and start from. It will be really hard but it will be the best thing you can do for yourself.

Oh you poor thing! Terrible dilemma.

Few thoughts:

• Are you sure it’s him? Could he have had a mate round?
• Could it be your teen or their friends?
• Could it be a one off? Still bad, given he was with your teen etc, but not the same risks as dependency
• Are you sure it’s not heroin? May be more likely if using regularly without noticeable effects
• Either way, dependency will be costly. Are you sure he’s not in debt, which you may be liable for?
• Dependency could affect what maintenance he can pay you, so may not be a good idea to rely on getting any and aim to be financially dependent
• Have your own bank accounts, gradually moving your share of joint money, if you don’t want to arose suspicion
• If this is a new thing and he becomes dependent, better to divorce asap and have control of half the assets before he blows it all
• What are your teen’s plans? When are they taking exams? Are they hoping to go away to uni? Could you hang on to avoid upheaval for them?
• You only need a two bed with outside space for pets. How easy are they to rent where you live? Would a mobile home on some land work?
• Have you applied for UC and checked how much local housing allowance you’ll get to rent?
• Believe you can build a life for yourself. Your DC is nearly an adult. More possibilities will open up, e.g. if they live with you as a working young adult they can help with rent and bills
• Try to build a strong support circle, both locally and online. Reconnect with old friends, make news ones.
• See a solicitor. One step at a time. Write a to do list, where he won’t find it and start to cross off what you’ve achieved.
• You’ve got this! 💪💐

What on earth 😱

I’d have said sounds more like heroin than coke. Listen, it’s your choice if you stay or not, your child is nearly an adult, do you imagine yourself spending your retirement with this guy? He is clearly gay or bisexual, you don’t do cams like that if you’re not. I’d walk personally.

There’s no virtue in being forgiving though, people know what they’re doing wrong. It’s just kicking the ball down the road.

I can relate to the camming. Married since uni. First proper relationship. XH was addicted to it and he didn't care if he performed for women or men. He's definitely not gay.

He was addicted to the thrill. He was addicted to being seen. He was addicted to the bump it gave his self esteem. I tried to stay married for 4 years after I found out about it, but he wasn't willing to put the effort in to stop. So we got divorced 4 years ago. 20+ years married.

Our teens were upset, but they're now doing ok. Their dad is still on chaturbate and fab, so I know it was the right decision.

From one to another, ending things when you're in your position feels really really hard. I know. BUT end things you must. This is never going to change. Your husband is seeking out that dopamene thrill more and more, as he's no longer getting the high from the drink and camming. He's just done crack. What will be next?

You will get through @JennaP44 , your teen will get through and you'll be looking back in 5 years wondering why it took you so long to leave.

All the best.

@JennaP44 sending you strength… another thing to consider is that if you stay - you are exposing your son to this.

There is nothing - nothing - positive for your son in growing up seeing, knowing, watching his primary male role model doing crack and with a lifestyle full of addiction.
Whilst he is absorbing that, he will also be learning that women will stay regardless and that it’s all an ok situation to be in and acceptable patterns of behaviour. You know it’s not.

im not telling you this to make you feel guilty - im saying this because you seem to think ‘staying for’ your son is better. It’s absolutely not.

I also think the fact you said you are ‘forgiving’ and a good person is important. This is not forgivable. You do not have to forgive. It’s ok to think someone has crossed a line and you won’t tolerate that shit - forgiveness is overrated. You will still be a very good person with less forgiveness and less kindness. Your bars for these things are way way way too high and that makes for bad news for you & your son who is counting on you to keep him safe.

You sound very much like you are an enabler and helper - this is all misplaced. Can you go to counselling and unpick this and get some support whilst you leave; I thought maybe women’s aid could help you also.

wishing you the very very best of luck xxxx

This. Get out of this awful situation. It’s only going to get worse

I'm really nice and forgiving and kind.

This is the problem. Forgiving someone like this doesn’t help you, your son, or him.

He did crack at home with your child in the house????

jesus OP. You have to leave

OP any time he tries to sweet talk you remind yourself that he takes crack. At home. With your child.
He is addicted to performing on cams. He is a liar. And a drunk.

repeat that to yourself any time you waver.
maybe he has a nice and charming personality. But he is not a good guy and doesn’t have your or your child’s best interests at heart.

get away from him.

So did you excuse the sex cam stuff because you depend on him financially?
And you really have no idea what drugs he does or how much . Or for how long.
So really could have been years.
Whist bringing up a child.
And you don't know what to do?
Honestly do you not think your child will either know all of this or find it out? Teenagers are alot smarter then you realise.
You are both setting him up for longterm mental health problems

What’s worse than a man doing crack?

He’s done a lot more than just Sex Cam work to journey into the crack cocaine realm.

You think you know but you have no idea.

Best thing for your DS is to never entertain rekindling a relationship with this man again. Ever.

Gosh. When I’m away Dh goes on extra long bike rides.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. You probably aren’t aware of the potentially dangerous consequences but you are likely to be putting your safety and the safety of your child at risk by not separating. Eg he’s getting his drugs from someone, who are they? Have they been to the house.

Your teen likely knows more than you think, and understand a that you just put up with it.

Please call women’s aid for practical, professional assistance.

'He's funny, smart, charming, helpful around the house, good conversationalist, buys me flowers on the regular, all these things, which make it really hard to wrap my head around it all'

But respectfully, he's a sex worker who is on crack. There is no going back from this no matter how helpful he is round the house!!!

I know it's scary thinking of leaving and it will be hard for a few months even years but I can promise you once you walk out of that house and don't look back, you will feel so much weight of the world has been lifted off you. everyday you will wake up, relieved and gradually over time you will start to find little pieces of yourself starting to shine through again. pieces of you that you had lost so deeply that you become this amazing strong women again. I have walked away from abuse with just the clothes on our backs and it was the best thing I ever did for me and my children.

He's a lying crackhead and addicted to cam work. It shouldn't matter that he's funny and charming. He also doesn't appear to give two shits about you or his kid. If he did, he wouldn't have lied to you about the sex work.

You should want more for yourself and your child.

What a shock to find that sounds like it’s the final straw for you, and you need a practical plan to leave?

Start with a good list, somewhere your ex can’t find it.

Maybe seek out some counselling for yourself also, to help you reinforce boundaries, if you’re concerned that your ex will talk you round.

The physical repulsion you feel is your body's way of telling you to stop; that this man isn't right for you.

Why are you so determined to ignore your own instincts in favour of a man who is behaving so appallingly that your whole body is warning you against him?

OP….i have a liberal lifestyle, shall we say, and even I would not be OK with this. I don’t really see how this could be made to be better. The web cam sex, I could actually forgive if he had stopped when he said originally. The fact he didn’t stop….again, possibly I could forgive over time. For me the act of what he had been doing wouldn’t be such a problem, more the fact he’d lied about it for so long. The doing crack cocaine when he’s in sole charge of your child….nope. This is a hard no from me. He was in sole charge of your child! We’re not talking smoking a bit of weed or whatever. This is serious. The fact you found the stuff means he hadn’t hidden it that well either. Which means your child could have come across it! Good grief!!! There’s actually not much he could say that would make that OK in my view. Maybe he’s a nice bloke but he isn’t going to change. He’s already shown you that when he didn’t stop the web cam sex. This is getting worse. Please do your future self and your child a massive favour and get out now. You cannot fix this man’s problems. In fact if you forgive him this time then you’re enabling him. He needs help and while he’s got you he won’t seek it. Not anything other than lip service to try and keep you where you are. You have no option than to leave and I don’t say that lightly. I’ve just left my partner and it is hard! But it is also OK. Sending strength. Xx

You’re deluded if you think there aren’t men who perform on camera to satisfy fetishistic desires - I’m no prude and very aware of the depths of male depravity but I’ve read some things on here regarding male sexually-motivated cam work that have made my jaw drop.

As the OP said in her updates, her H doesn’t need the money, he’s doing it for kicks - he’s an addict and a thrill-seeker, and he priorities those impulses over everything and everyone else.

OP, you sound as if you’re resolved in what you need to do and have been mentally preparing for quite some time, you just keep second-guessing yourself and need a handhold to get you over the line. I hope you find the strength and support here to do that if you have no one IRL. There’s a better, brighter, happier future for you out there without this sleazy, manipulative crackhead in it.

You’ve posted countless reasons as to why you shouldn’t be together including lying, deceit, drug taking, child endangerment and the fact that he physically repulses you.

What more needs to add to that list to make you end it?

Get your legal advice and get rid.

Show him the photos of what you found and make him pack a bag and leave.