My husband did crack cocaine while I was away

[JennaP44]

Bit of a backstory - been married 20 years. He's my one and only. We have one child, who is now a teenager. About 7 years ago, I found out my husband was addicted to cam sex, where he was performing for other men for money online. I stuck it out for our kid. I found out last February that he had never really stopped, and had been at that addiction for a long time still, despite knowing that it was my limit. He also drinks way too much but is a happy drunk. We've been trying to reconcile this past year, but I am physically repulsed by him and sex is really problematic. I went away for the weekend and came back to find evidence that he did crack cocaine while I was away. I'm completely shocked, yet again. He was doing so well with going to therapy and being a good partner this past year. He does not know that I know yet. I'm not sure if I should mention it now, or figure out what to do first. I'm so confused. I'm SO confused. I feel like I'm drowning in what if's. He did this while he was home alone with our child, which is what really makes me mad.

Gay cam work,crack, could he also be doing chem sex?
In fact I wouldn't bother finding out.. just get rid.

Oh for goodness sake. Kick him out. Tomorrow.

You haven’t left because it’s really scary. That’s ok. It is scary making massive changes to your life. Talk it through, either on this thread or with someone you trust in real life. Put a plan together. Think about the things you’d need to organise.

Where could you stay? Is there a relative or a friend you could go to at first? If not, can you afford to rent somewhere? Do you need to be near your DC’s school, your work or anywhere else specific? What about the pets?

If you are able to keep this to yourself you are in a better place than you think. You must be somewhere closer to having the mental capacity to move forward with a separation.
You already know what he will say to placate you & this time you can’t be bothered listening. You know the script.

He’s a huge problem. It’s absolutely fine if he wants to live this way but not with a wife & child. If he loved you, even platonically, he would be honest with you about who he is and allow you to make an informed choice about your life. As it stands he’s manipulating & deceiving you. Completely for his own benefit. He needs a wholesome facade to his dark character.

Sexual deviance & hard drug taking is not a one off event. Crack is not an easy drug to tolerate. He couldn’t just take it for a first time and manage a normal weekend with your child. I’d put good money on it being a regular occurrence. You just caught him this time. Eventually your child will catch him doing something and they’ll be no undoing that trauma.

You're right to be repulsed by him. He’s not who you think he is. Put whatever energy you have left into making a new life for yourself and your child.

Crack?? Fucking hell. That’s a whole world away from a line of coke in a bar, OP. And he’s also an alcoholic and addicted to wanking for other men on camera? And you have a teenager in the house?

You’d be insane to stay with this man. Especially when you have a kid.

I would also advise getting STD tests done, because I strongly doubt his sexual activities with men are limited to doing it on webcam. He’s also hanging out with the kind of people who sell crack, apparently.

Also, don’t have any kind of sex with him. I doubt it’s just an online thing. He’s probably having sexual contact with people and getting his drugs from this same circle.

One thing chatgpt is very good at is planning and process. I suggest you work with chatgpt to orchestrate the best possible exit. That might not be you walking out tomorrow, but obviously you need to end your marriage to this man and the app will help you do that in the way that benefits you best.

I think your instinct it right - don't talk to him about the crack. For what? You know what you found. You don't want an apology. You want a life without this nonsense.

Thank you, I really appreciate your kind comments. I'm not blind. I've been in this one relationship for so long and he's been very emotionally manipulative over the years, I just lost myself I guess. And any ability to have a backbone.
I will see where I stand financially tomorrow. I just started a new job this week. I am financially dependent on him for many things but he would owe spousal support. I have started looking around at places I could potentially go. It may be better for my child if I stay here, because of school, but I really don't want to, I don't think I'd feel safe staying here.
I'm able to keep things together and keep keeping on for a very long time, as I'm used to that. I guess I need to start getting my ducks in a row.
It's such a..what do you call it....cognitive dissonance. He's funny, smart, charming, helpful around the house, good conversationalist, buys me flowers on the regular, all these things, which make it really hard to wrap my head around it all.

I'm assuming it's crack?? I'm not sure. I found tin foil with burn through it, and a straw and a lighter and residual white powder. I'm assuming that you smoke crack and don't smoke cocaine?? But I dont know, and it doesn't really matter I guess

Ooh love this is so bad I can’t even… do you think he’s just sitting at home and smokes a bit of crack…once. Like he just is normal and pottering around the house the rest of the time your back is turned but just has a funny five minutes where he does crack? Like it’s just a sneaky fag or something? The guy is absolutely up to this eyeballs in debauchery.

I’ve lived a strange life with some unappealing characters in it and even I can tell you that this guy is an absolute piece of work and is unsalvageable. He is not just having the odd wank. He is a sex worker and, I’d hazard a guess, a drug addict but at the very least he’s a drug user/abuser.

He had been living a double life and you are only seeing the tip of the iceberg. And it’s a bloody huge fucked up tip so god knows what the rest is.

is he seriously presenting as a normal stand up guy the rest of the time in front of you and his daughter?

is he gay or is he just a straight up sex worker - and why do you think he’s addicted to cam work? Like is he addicted or doing it for money? And do you think he’s addicted to the money or addicted to men watching him perform. And what does he do for a day job? Does he need the money? If he’s addicted to men watching him wank…I don’t really get why you’re thinking he’s not gay/bi. If he needs the money is it for drugs?

please go urgently to the sexual health clinic and get tested. Check the house for cameras too as people do weird shit when they’re desperate for money. Also please forget about the damn pets and the living away crap. You need to leave urgently. call women’s aid and get the hell away from this person.----

Pack his bags and leave them on the doorstep, get the locks changed, he’s an addict a weirdo and a loser, you and your son are better off without him.

Sounds more like Heroin OP

rocks of cocaine aka crack are smoked with a pipe like a glass tube

Stop being confused and just kick him out!

As both a recovering addict, and someone who’s dated an addict in the past, you can’t make him change. He has to want to. Don’t let him make any promises to you. Leave and take kid with you.

Crack and heroin can be smoked the same way . Heroin would look brown and tarry after smoking so it likely was Crack.

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I'm sending a huge hug and some of my surplus strength - lord knows where it is coming from but please have some!
You know what you have to do and there are no more ifs, buts and maybes.
Get busy planning your exit and get yourself and your child away from this specimen.

Of course the are lovely most of the time and that keeps us chained to them, waiting on the next 'good time' - but this is not a safe or healthy environment for your child or you. I'm afraid as her only sensible parent in this partnership it is down to you.
Find that strength and find it now - leave him to his 'hobbies'.

The life you both deserve is waiting for you - get support from your GP, women's aid, social services, on here - just do it.
The gang on here have been amazing for me during my recent break-free from an abusive relationship - I used/still use it as a 'journal' as I don't have friends in this area. It helped me immensely to make sense of my thoughts a little and it was like chatting to old friends. I am 8 weeks in and getting there - come on, you can do it.

If you need an incentive to leave, imagine how you’d feel if your child found your husband’s drugs and ate them? They would die. Your husband would have caused that.
If you want to stay in a relationship and support him through rehab, fine. But he can’t continue living with you, it’s not safe,
If you have any valuables, jewellery, family heirlooms, get them out of the house. Your husband has already done sex work to fund his crack habit. Crack is horrendously addictive. Addicts would rob their own granny for money to buy more and it’s horribly addictive from the first time. ‘Just once’ is not a thing with crack.

I’m so sorry.
It’s hard to love somebody like that.
It’s best to pack up and leave now.
Just take the pets and go.
Someone will take you in when you tell them you’ve left him - they won’t be surprised.
Sending love. ❤️

You need to organise the practical steps to help you leave this man ASAP, your teenager shouldn’t be subjected to any of this! Then some therapy to figure out why you’ve spent so many years thinking this is all you deserve. I’ve never met you but I promise you, you are better than this and you deserve more.

If you leave him, you'll have a few very sad weeks.

Then the confusion will pass and you will be able to see clearly what has been going on.

After a difficult relationship, I keep realising more and more things that were wrong but I didn't notice at the time. Sometimes you will remember something else years later!

Don't waste your life on this twerp.

Some really good advice from posters so far. I hope you can find strength in their words to leave this person. They are no good for you or your kid and you deserve to live in a home that feels safe for you both and with someone you can rely on to not do drugs while they're meant to be looking after your child.

I do worry about you staying in the house. A PP has mentioned possibility of cameras in the house. The cam work shows that your partner seems to have some weird kink or sexual deviance within his nature. Recent stories in the papers show us that men have no qualms about selling vids/ pics of their unsuspecting loved ones. Theres no knowing the limits he will go to until its too late. Please please leave. Take your kid. Get your pets later.

@JennaP44 You are very wrong on one thing.

You DO have support. You have us.

We may not be physically able to help but we will give you all our love and emotional support. YOU ARE NOT ALONE.

Dont think for one second that you are.

So, going forward dont tell him you know. You know his tricks and your know your weakness. You want to believe his lies so dont give him the chance to lie. Play nice, keep saving and flee. If not for you but for your child.

We will be here for as long as you need us xx

Find it hard to understand how a person’s self-esteem can be so low she would allow a man who is such a hideous safeguarding risk to their child to remain in their lives.

Please, just get rid. And get some therapy yourself.

@JennaP44 is he gay or is he just a straight up sex worker

If he’s addicted to men watching him wank…I don’t really get why you’re thinking he’s not gay/bi.

People who do sex work on camera aren't doing it for their own pleasure. They are doing it solely to make money.

As you are aware, there are almost no women who watch men masturbate on camera, let alone pay for it. The audience for webcam models is almost entirely men; straight men who watch women, and gay men who watch men.

That's why he's not performing for women- because that audience literally doesn't exist.

OP explained that her husband has been doing drugs, so that's why he needs money.