My husband did crack cocaine while I was away

[JennaP44]

Bit of a backstory - been married 20 years. He's my one and only. We have one child, who is now a teenager. About 7 years ago, I found out my husband was addicted to cam sex, where he was performing for other men for money online. I stuck it out for our kid. I found out last February that he had never really stopped, and had been at that addiction for a long time still, despite knowing that it was my limit. He also drinks way too much but is a happy drunk. We've been trying to reconcile this past year, but I am physically repulsed by him and sex is really problematic. I went away for the weekend and came back to find evidence that he did crack cocaine while I was away. I'm completely shocked, yet again. He was doing so well with going to therapy and being a good partner this past year. He does not know that I know yet. I'm not sure if I should mention it now, or figure out what to do first. I'm so confused. I'm SO confused. I feel like I'm drowning in what if's. He did this while he was home alone with our child, which is what really makes me mad.

Someone has to put the child first

How many abusive relationships have you been in?

Actually I have been abused. I just don’t understand why this woman didn’t dump him on any of the previous occasions, especially where there is a child concerned. At this point I ONLY care about what her child is being exposed to - she needs to step up for him andI think deep down she knows this.

What has that got to do with child protection?

OP, I'm sorry to raise yet another spectre in the nightmare of your life. But I'm going to. He's doing cam sex for money, to buy drugs that seriously impair his judgement. He has a child. what do you think he'll do when his customers offer a large amount of money to include the child in his sex show?

As PPs have said, this is already a case for social services and the police. Your child is in danger. It IS going to get even worse. You need to get him out and make sure he stays out. Please call for help.
https://www.nationaldahelpline.org.uk/

@JennaP44 I’m sorry if my first post seems harsh, but I grew up in a household where DV was served up with the cornflakes and escape was into the arms of a Sexually abusive neighbour. I only ask what I asked my mother over and over again - how can you stay with him now? You’ve stayed before despite the sex cams, despite everything that followed and you know he isn’t going to get better. Your son is being exposed to this, has been left in his care. Please boot the guy out, and seek some counselling because low self esteem is usually the reason why people put up with this shit. You deserve better. Your son deserves better. You are without doubt the better half of this relationship - it is he who needs you.

Living in a long term abusive relationship totally fucks with ones idea of what is normal or ok.

But you know that.

So in your own words your "husband was addicted to cam sex, where he was performing for other men for money online", "he also drinks way too much but is a happy drunk", "I am physically repulsed by him and sex is really problematic" and I "came back to find evidence that he did crack cocaine while I was away."

Your life decisions are your own to make, but I would suggest that this is not a healthy relationship. Perhaps not performing sex acts for other men for money and avoiding crack cocaine could be minimum standards?

I am not sure how to deal with you being physically repulsed by him. If he addressed the other issues you mention, could you get over that? You don't need to.

@JennaP44, someone needs to step in and safeguard your child. He/she lives in an unsafe, toxic home with an alcoholic father who is a long-term prostitute and hard drug user. That he was using crack while alone with your son/daughter is horrifying.

With respect, you have been enabling this deviant addict for years, and are still afraid that he will successfully ‘sweet talk’ you into backing down if you challenge him.

Please, please put your child first and end this train wreck. Get out. Access IC to strengthen your self-esteem and coping strategies.

I should have been more specific. How many abusive adult to adult relationsips have you been in?

And what did your miother say when you asked her?

Those kind of relationships leave you questioning everything. You think that you are stupid, naggy, asking too much and not giving enough.

You literally dont trust your own mind to the point where women have left their kids with the abuser because the abuser has convinced them that that is the best thing for the kids. It happens.

He's depressed over being with a woman. He is a gay man and is seeking a way out. He needs rehab and you need a divorce.

There are so many troubling things about this situation and I do think you need to get out of it ASAP. Do you have some safe you could go to? I do agree that it would be better for you to go if possible. I wouldn't normally say that but I wouldn't want him potentially having access to your home. I know this sounds really awful but I would be looking out for hidden cameras as well. He sounds as though he's possibly got some kind of sex addiction and I wouldn't trust him an inch.

You have been with this man for a very long period of your life. You know that he has a sex addiction and a drug addiction.

You have been away for a long weekend and found evidence of serious drug abuse.

These are facts that your head is challenging you with the "what if's". @JennaP44 what are the what if's you are struggling with? is it being alone, sharing custody of your family, financial implications, just the fact that your were both to work and yet it isn't?

This is vile OP. There is only one thing to do: protect your child. Have love and respect for you and your dc, because they’re currently in an extremely dangerous situation.

You’re condoning all this behaviour, which your teen is def aware of. They’ve probably already seen their dad high af & doing cam work. How about the fact that they might potentially get a hold of the drugs. I wouldn’t put my child’s life at risk. Your dh has gone too far! Forget the trauma bond and love, this is about survival.

Do you even know who might have been in your home or on your property whilst you were away? (Dealers, gangsters, clients, other addicts…). Your teenager is unlikely to say anything. Pack dh’s bags, and send him packing.

If you leave OP, which you should do, then I wouldn't mention this until you've actually left. Please leave very, very safely. He may well turn aggressive once he realises you're going for good.

Stay quiet, make plans and tell people around you of your intentions. When it comes to leaving make sure you have someone with you when you get your things out etc - perhaps speak with a DV support worker who can talk you through how to get out in the safest way possible.

Wow, there isn't a single reason that I can think of why you should stay. The drugs, the drinking, the camerawork, the lack of attention to your child - it's atrocious.

You need to leave and if necessary, ask a charity if they can temporarily foster your animals until you're settled elsewhere. Not ideal, I know - it would break my heart to do the same but you have got to get yourself and your child out of there.

Can you really see your child growing up well-adjusted in this environment?

Hello all. Thanks for all of your responses. I really do appreciate the clarity, and will read them when I'm feeling weak.
Just clarifying some things - our child is almost an adult. Typical older teen, spends all time away at significant others or in room chatting/gaming. Husband used to spend a lot of time alone in garage or basement. Would cam when we were both out of the house. As far as I know it's stopped BUT that doesn't matter because its not a sustainable abstinance and I know it. We talked a lot about is he gay. He denies it, I don't believe he's not at least bi. I just wish he had been honest about it from the start. Regarding the drugs, I am SHOCKED because WHAT?? We live in a small, isolated farm town. We know everyone here. For sure he got it from a friend, I know one who would be able to get harder drugs. I'm just sort of waking up to the fact that he did this, and that means he had to plan it, buy it, bring it home, with intention. And no one does that on a whim. So it was not a first offence at all. I'm still shook though. And he makes a lot of money. The cam was not for money. It was for kicks.

It could be meth - people smoke it. Also, they use it during hook-ups which would explain how it found its way to a rural area.

I'm not trying to make things worse or kick you when you're down but I would be surprised if he were taking it alone.

Either way, you need to leave this man. He is objectively dreadful.

Also—and perhaps someone else has pointed this out—you are showing your “near adult teen” that men are fucked up sex addicts, liars, sex workers, and drug addicts who are so scared of their own sexual identity that they would rather live a lie with a woman and child than live an authentic life as a functioning gay man.

How will your child know how to live an authentic life, based on courageous choice, when both father and mother have shown a complete inability to live free of delusional misery? Your dh has lied, revolts you, and you still tried to heal this broken relationship with sex? You have overridden every sane cell in your body whuch must have been screaming to get out. Stop accepting this role of confused doormat. Anything would be better than this.

You don't have to be mean. It's not helpful.

He's like one of those very high functioning addicts you would never suspect. My kid knows nothing except the beer. I'm aware that could change and I should go.

But you knew? Your child may not know all the details but how can they look to your husband as a role model? How can they know what a healthy marriage looks like?

Ewwwwwww

I suspect they do know, I'm not being mean. Can you think about protecting yourself and your "almost adult" child? It's ultimately your choice.

I am so sorry OP.

I'm not in possession of all the facts here. But I strongly suspect the cam sex stuff was helping fund a drug addiction he hid from you for a number of years. It's only now you've caught him out.

You need to find a safe living situation for you and your child, whether that means you leaving or asking your DH to move out.

It's very sad. You obviously care deeply for your DH. But he is clearly unwell and struggling with a number of issues where he needs to seek help, from serious drink and drug problems to what sounds like possible confusion with his sexuality.

You can love someone a lot and still recognize that the only option you have left is to end the relationship and live apart.

Sending you love. You sound like a kind, compassionate soul who has tried your best to help him and give him chances. There is nothing more you can do other than keep you and your child safe.